Self Esteem
by labaker73
Summary: "Nobody gets a second date with Bella the Bitch..." She rules the school with a harsh tongue while he stays firmly in the shadows. To outsiders it looks like they don't even speak. Can Bella keep their true relationship a secret? Does she want to? Can Edward live with being her dirty little secret? Is it worth it? Will their secret romance change them?
1. Chapter 1: Bella the Bitch

**This is my first attempt at writing. I never intended to publish a story, but I just couldn't get this story out of my head, so I thought I'd give it a shot. At worst no one reads it or no one who actually reads it likes it, at best I share the inner workings of my twisted little mind with others. At this time, I have no beta, so any mistakes are my own. **

**I hope you will enjoy... that is if someone actually reads this...**

**Obligatory disclamer: ****SM owns the whole Twilight world and all its wonderful characters. I'm just attempting to write a semi-decent story... **

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><p><strong>Self Esteem<strong>

**CH. 1**

Edward:

Nobody gets a second date with Bella the Bitch. Newton knows that just assuredly as any other red blooded male in this school, so I shake my head and stifle a smile when he sidles up to her across the cafeteria and puts his arm around her shoulders. This is gonna be good. He thinks he's special just because he is the captain of the football team… and he's one of the few she actually said yes to in the first place. Apparently, he's already forgotten that it took him over three years of practically begging for her to go out with him in the first place. I watch out of the corner of my eye as she turns around with an incredulous look on her face, shakes her head, whips back around and stalks off in the direction of the exit. Oh thank God, one of her cronies grabs her stuff and follows closely at her heels (insert sarcastic remark here). I can't help but snort.

Now that the show is over, I can go back to eating my lunch and going over my notes in peace. However, peace doesn't come. My mind keeps wondering back to that small frame with delicate ivory skin, waist length mahogany hair, and endless deep, brown eyes… even with the look of pure ire they just displayed they are a sight to behold… and against my better judgment, I get a little excited for next period. I shake it off and force myself to study for the upcoming Bio test.

I am at the cafeteria door as the bell rings and jog quickly to my next class. She is already there. I just lift my chin once in a slight nod toward her and take my usual seat at the lab table next to her. She frowns slightly at my acknowledgement and lets her hair fall in a curtain around her face. I can tell she is texting under the desk. Mr. Banner walks in and sets the stack of papers on his desk watching Newton slide in as the tardy bell rings. What an idiot. The tests are distributed and we are cautioned to keep our eyes on our own papers. 45 minutes of silence later, I turn my paper over, close my eyes, and inhale her unique scent: strawberries and freesia and something uniquely Bella. I shake my head at my own idiocy and lean my forehead down on the cool black table. She finishes her own test about a minute later and returns to her phone under the desk. The bell rings and I stand to let her move around me stiffening slightly when she runs her hand lightly across the hem of my jeans. I smile brightly… I would be seeing her later tonight.

Bella:

Nobody gets a second date with Bella the Bitch! Every male in this godforsaken school knows that by now… so why is Mike about to humiliate himself? While watching his progress toward me out of the corner of my eye, I throw myself into the mundane conversation I am having with Jess in hopes of discouraging him from approaching. Unfortunately, his giant ego outweighs his sense of self-preservation and he continues walking toward me with a cocky grin on his face… idiot. I feel him slide his arm around my shoulders and I immediately stiffen. I turn around slowly giving him a chance to back off, but his arm remains. Once facing him, I give him a disbelieving look, challenging him to say anything. He finally gets it and takes a step back. I turn on my heel and storm off in the direction of the bathroom. I know Jess will grab my things and follow like the good little disciple she is.

I can't believe he would be so stupid! Mike Newton had been asking me out since half way through first semester freshman year and I always turned him down… I have absolutely no interest in him whatsoever… but Jess actually does. So, after three years, I decided I would let him have is one date allotment, so he could move on, hopefully in Jess's direction Everyone knows that I don't do relationships, hell… I don't really date either. I'm no prude, but drunk hook ups at parties and one-night-stands are not actually dating. I have been so unimpressed by the real "dates" I have been on over the years, I figured it would be better to just forego the whole mess until I get the fuck out of here next year. Small towns do not leave a whole lot of fish in the proverbial dating pool. There is that one… but I refuse to go there. I shake my head to clear my thoughts of him. Even so, when Jess enters the ladies room, I find myself biting my lower lip – a nervous habit left over from when I was younger. If she notices, she doesn't show it.

"Hey… here's your stuff… I grabbed it for you." Jess hands me my things, but refuses to look me in the eye. I know she is pissed at me for going out with Mike, but I was actually trying to do her a favor. How was I supposed to know that he wouldn't realize I was just as off limits now as I was before our date… to the diner… in the middle of this shit town… where I had to leave the tip or the waitress (who incidentally has known me since I was five) would not have gotten a dime from his cheap ass.

"Jess, don't be that way. I was actually trying to help you out. Everyone knows I don't really do the dating/relationship thing, so I figured once we went out he would get over his weird fixation and move on. I was planning to help him move on to you." She smiles then and raises her eyes to mine.

"Really? I thought…" she didn't finish the statement, but I know what she was going to say. I've done it before. When Lauren became a self-important, know-it-all with an ego to match, I used my knowledge of her long-time crush on Tyler to squash her little uprising before it got too far. At least I got a nice dinner in Port Angeles and an "upgrade" to my reputation for that one.

"No… it was for you. I didn't even kiss him (yuck!). I have no interest… at all… when we get to Bio, make sure you are there to pick up his fragile feelings and assure him it's his loss. I'll back off for awhile and let you guys bond." Maybe this would work out and I could kill two birds with one stone. I wouldn't have her as my shadow anymore and Mike would stop being my stalker. I sighed as I thought about all things I do to keep my popularity in place, but shake it off quickly… that bed was made a long time ago, I need to sleep in it now. Oh well.

The bell rings and I smile just a little more brightly realizing I have Bio next. Oh, fuck! We have a test! At least I have my notes on my phone… thank you mom & Phil for the smart phone! I'll look over my notes a little before class. I'm sure I'll do fine… I have a 4.0 GPA; I just don't like to advertise that I actually care about and sometimes work at my grades. They are my ticket out of Forks-Hell and I intend to use them.

I am the first one in class so I pull up the app on my phone and lean down so my hair will cover up what I'm actually doing. Then I feel it from across the room: that pull. So I lift my head up ever so slightly to see him walk in. He raises his head with a serious look on his face and I frown as I get that inevitable jolt of electricity that flows through me when in his proximity. Why does he have to be so gorgeous! The unusual dark hair with natural, bronze highlights, the angled jaw with full lips and sparkling green eyes, all set in a 6'2 package with long slender fingers that can… stop! I have to force myself back to my notes. When Banner comes in, I put away my phone and catch Mike walking in at the bell. He does not look happy. I quickly glance at Jess and give her a slight smile and nod. She smiles brightly and watches Newton as he sits next to her at their table. Before I turn my head, I see her patting him sympathetically on the arm. He turns with a slight smile in her direction. Good. It's about time. With his ego, her eagerness to please and their combined IQ of about 120, they really are perfect for each other.

I turn my focus to the test now lying in front of me. Edward finishes about 5 minutes before me… show off, but as I finish I know I kicked ass. I catch him smelling me and smile as I hide behind my hair and lower my head and stare unfocused at my phone. I too take in his scent. He smells like soap, with a hint of something woodsy, and boy. Clean and unbelievably attractive. God, I want him. As the bell rings, I make sure to run my hand softly against the top of his perfectly fitting jeans. A signal I know he will understand. I feel, more than see him look up and smile straight ahead before leaving the room to my last class: gym. I fucking hate gym. At least, I have some pretty bronze haired, green-eyed eye candy to look at. I can hardly wait until later tonight.


	2. Chapter 2: Suddenly, Last Summer

**Usual disclaimers: Stephanie Meyer owns all things twilight including the characters. I am just playing a little.**

**This story is rated M for a reason. If you are under 18, please don't read!**

**Thanks to those who have read this and put me on alert. I even got a few reviews, which totally made my week! I am going to try to update once a week. The next couple of chapters are basically written, they just need to be edited a little.**

**Again, I have no beta, so any mistakes are totally mine! I hope you enjoy.**

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><p><strong>Self-Esteem: CH. 2 Suddenly, Last Summer<strong>

I am sitting in the middle of the black leather couch in my room in nothing but my boxers and a t-shirt. I look at the alarm clock on my nightstand for the 10th time in the last half hour. She's late, but then again, she's always late. As I stare out the glass door leading to the attached second floor balcony with easy access to the ground, I have to smile at how I ended up with this room.

Last year, mom decided she wanted a Jacuzzi tub so dad could soak his feet after a long day at the hospital. One that was large enough so she could join him. EWW! But the current master bathroom wouldn't accommodate that addition without major structural changes, so mom, being the architect/interior designer she is, decided to build a new-and-improved master suite on the first floor. When mom and dad moved out of their old master into the new, the oldest child moved into their old room. Not me. Nope. I'm the youngest in this little family of five, even if Alice is only 4 minutes older, which she never lets me forget. So a very happy Emmet (he's just a little over a year older than Alice & me. In age at least) moved in and got comfortable, apparently little too comfortable. One night a couple of months after the room change, mom heard noises from his room and went to check on him. Much to her surprise- and Emmet's mortification - she opened the door to him and his long-time girlfriend, Rosalie, in the throes of passion. Fuckin' dumbass didn't lock his door! The parental units had not taken the balcony into consideration: oops! A very irate mom, helped move a very unhappy Emmet back to his old room the next day,

Alice then assumed she would get the room. She argued that it should've been hers all along because it was the only bedroom, besides mom and dad's new suite, that had an en suite bathroom and a huge walk in closet… and she is the "second oldest." However, dad shot that idea down immediately with his world renowned 'are you kidding me' look. He knew his daughter well, and rightly figured Jasper, her boyfriend (and ironically Rose's brother), would be sneaking in as soon as the mess with Em died down. So I got it. Me, the single one. Me, the one who has never been in trouble a day in his life. Me, the one with the 4.2 GPA. Yep. Me, the trustworthy one. I have to say even before this past summer's… situation, it was nice to have my own bathroom and enough room in my closet to accommodate not only the clothing of my choice, but also the wardrobe my sister insists on buying me.

Damn! Its 12:30. Where is she? Why do I keep doing this? Oh yeah, because I may be a quiet, bookworm and a little bit of a nerd, but I am not a fucking idiot. When Bella the Bitch Swan, the drop-dead-gorgeous, most popular girl in school wants to allow you to do dirty, sexy things to her, you don't say no. How did I get myself into this situation? Just 3 months ago, my life was a lot less complicated- boring and tedious- but less complicated all the same. That all changed at the end of the year party this past June.

_I tagged along with Alice and Emmet as designated driver for the annual drunk-fest known as the First-Beach-end-of-the-school-year-thank-God-its-fucking-summer-bash._ Last year I had been called at 2:30am to pick up my drunk-ass brother and his equally messed up girlfriend. Never mind that I was still 10 days away from actually getting my license. Never mind that if I got caught I wouldn't drive until I turned 18… not to mention I wouldn't see the light of day until school started in fall. Never-fucking-mind that this was the first year mom & dad trusted us without a babysitter while they went to the annual medical conference in Seattle. But he is my brother and he does do a lot of shit for me… plus he said he'd come clean if we got caught, so I caved. Then he puked all over my brand new Volvo! I hadn't even officially gotten the keys yet! This year Alice was going too. So, I decided just to go to the party with them. That way I could keep an eye on them and drag them home if they got into any trouble. But by 2am, I was not only tired, but tired of watching drunk assholes slobber all over themselves and their significant others. Plus, I was tired of fending off wandering hands by extremely drunk girls declaring that I was '_really good looking, if only I wasn't such an uptight dork'_ or that I '_would be worth a good romp in the sand_,' but it had to stay there, because they "_had a reputation to protect_." Fuck this! I went searching for Alice and Emmet. It was time to go home. However, before I found them, I came upon a very drunk, half-passed out Isabella Swan trying, in vain, to push an equally drunk, extremely large Quileute boy off her small frame. I could tell she knew him, but it was obvious that she did not want him manhandling her, at least not right then.

"Bella, baby. You know I love you. I've loved you my whole life. Just let this happen. You know it will, stop fighting it. I want you so bad" He slurred much louder than he must have intended.

"No, Jake. We're friends. Just Friends! And we're drunk. This would be a mistake. Just back-off. It's not gonna happen. Ever!" She gave his chest a slight shove, but the boy- Jake- leaned in and tried to kiss her. She managed to flop her head to the side so his lips only met her cheek.

I decided I couldn't just stand there and even though _Jake_ was extremely large, he was extremely drunk, so the odds were sort of evened out. Hopefully. I strode down the beach to the prone couple, yanked Bella out from under the big ape's massive, unresponsive body and helped her up, half expecting a fight from at least one of them. "I think she said 'No' If you really _love_ her, if you're really her friend, then just let it be. Talk to her when you're both sober."

I braced myself for the backlash, but luckily, he just rolled over to his side with a barely audible "OK. See ya' later Bells" and he was out.

I walked Bella to my car and set her down in the passenger seat, giving her one of the plastic buckets I brought so my siblings wouldn't defile my car this year.

"Do you have a ride home?" I questioned.

"No. Dad's at work. Was gonna crash with Jake or Jess."

"Well, Jake will most likely be sleeping it off on the beach tonight. Where is Jessica?"

"Dunno. Think she left with that skank Lauren and a couple of boys from the Rez."

"Was she expecting you?"

"Nuh-uh. Came with Jake."

"OK." I took a deep breath and pushed it out. "I'll call your dad." I was NOT looking forward to calling the chief of police to tell him he has to pick up his drunk daughter from a party where most of the combined adolescent residents of Forks High School and the local reservation had been drinking all night. But what else could I do?

"NO. No. no. you cannot call my dad!" She spoke with a relative clarity while adamantly shaking her head back and forth. "If you do, he will ground me for the entire summer, bust up the party and I'll be a pariah for the rest of my existence in this horrible little town. Can't I just stay with you…" she looked up at my face, finally wondering whom she was talking to "… Edward." Then she smiled. And I was done for. Shit.

"I don't know. It's probably not a good idea…" my mouth uttered while my brain screamed at me to shut-the-fuck-up. She pushed her bottom lip out in a full pout and looked at me again with those big, brown, puppy-dog eyes and said

"Please, Edward. I'll sleep on the floor in your room. I'll be really quiet and I promise, no one will find out" at this she drunkenly brought her pointer finger to her lips and whispered "shhhhh"

God, like I could say no to that. And mom and dad weren't home so… "OK. I think I can work something out. Let me just find my brother and sister and we'll go home. Just stay here. Alright?" I gave her a gentle smile "Oh, and if you feel the need to… you know… either lean out the door or use the plastic bucket by your feet." She nodded almost imperceptibly and leaned her head on the head rest.

What the hell was I thinking! God Damn it! I raced back to the beach trying to locate Alice and Emmet, running my hand through my hair like a madman. Instead, I found a surprisingly sober-looking Jasper Hale. "Hey, Jazz. You seen Ali or Em?"

"Yeah, they went swimming." He gestured toward the shore. I looked out at the waves to find some of the party-goers had decided to body surf in their clothes.

"Ugh… of course!" I instinctively squeezed the bridge of my nose in frustration. "Can you help me get them out? I have to get home." I shook my head furiously.

"What's up, man? Just chill. Moms and Pops are outta town and the night's still young." He was always like that. He just had an aura of calm around him. Usually it was contagious, but now I just wanted to get home to take care of Bella.

"No. I have a very drunk Bella in my car and I want to get home before she pukes all over my leather seats."

"You mean get her to **her** home, right?" I just shrugged and he lit up like a firefly. "You mean **you** are taking Bella to **your** home? Wow! I didn't think you had it in you. We all know you've had it bad for her for years now, but you've never done anything about it. Good for you, man… good for you…" I just stared at him slack-jawed. He knew I '_had it bad for her for years_.' What. The. Fuck! "… but I can't let you ruin Ali's fun. She would pout, and you know I can't handle it when she pouts. Good thing I haven't had a drink all night. Rose insisted I be designated driver tonight in case she and Em got into it. You know how they are… and we had to head home instead of to your place. I'll make sure they get home safe and sound- even if they do get into a tussle. No worries, my man. Just go have fun." He slapped me on the shoulder with a sly smile on his face.

"It's not like that, man… she is drunk, her friends bailed, and she has nowhere else to go." I reasoned. Jazz just rolled his eyes and reiterated his promise to get everyone home safely. I thought about arguing, but it just wasn't worth it. I knew it wasn't like that and I'd set him straight in the morning. Alice always seems to know my business, sometimes even before I do,- a twin thing I guess- so she'll back me up.

I returned to the car to find Bella passed out with her head still on the headrest, breathing steadily in and out. I held my breath as I reached out tentatively and ran my finger along her cheek. She smiled and I had a brief fantasy that she knew it was me and she liked it. I had wanted to do that since the 8th grade. I pushed all the breath out of my lungs and smiled in spite of myself as I went around to the driver's seat. Pulling out onto the highway, I couldn't help thinking maybe things would change after tonight. I had missed her since she became Bella the Bitch…

I am pulled out of my memory by the slight noise outside on the balcony. I looked up just in time to see her fling her leg over the railing, land lightly on the decking, and reach for the doorknob. I look at the clock and sigh, 35 minutes late… at least she's here. At least she's mine, if only for the next few hours.

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><p><strong>I would love to hear what you thought. <strong>


	3. Ch 3: I Once was a Kindergarten Bride

**Author note: Much to my dismay, I don't own anything in SM's Twilight universe**

**Thank you very much to those that have reviewed. It makes me really kinda giddy and shit! To those that are reading and not reviewing... I still want to thank you, but I'd also like to encourage you to write something. Reviews really do make me very happy and I really could use some of that right now.**

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><p><strong>Self-Esteem: Ch. 3 I Once was a Kindergarten Bride<strong>

Gym, well… Gym sucked. I got hit in the back of the head by a flying volleyball. I reared my head around to glare at whoever had done it, only to find a very, surprised and frightened freshman girl.

"OH MY GOD! I am sooooo, soooo, sorry!' she screeched with tears in her eyes. "Um… Bella. I didn't mean to hit you… it was an accident, I swear. I'm sorry. You believe me, right? If it will make you feel better, go ahead and spike the ball at me. I won't even duck. Just, please, don't be mad." My initial reaction was to smile and say it was just an accident, but I heard Jess & Lauren giggling and I knew they were expecting a show. I groaned internally. Being Bella the Bitch was sometimes a lot of work.

"You need to watch what you're doing _freshman_ " I said through clenched teeth "you know one word from me and your next four years at this institution will be a living hell." I sneered and flung the ball at the cowering girl, internally cringing as I heard it thwap against her bare leg. I could hear the minions snickering as I quickly walked to the locker room.

After changing, I head toward the doors, only throwing a slight wave to Jess & Lauren on the way out. Between what happened in Gym and what was going to happen tonight, I was in no mood to talk to either of them. I felt stretched tighter than a rubber band. Living two lives was definitely getting the best of me. But what else can I do? I can't give him up… I've tried… repeatedly… but something about him just won't let me stop. And there is no way I can give up Bella the Bitch. She's how I have survived the cesspool that is high school. Without her what would I be? Just plain old Bella and I refuse to go back to that. I turn on the radio in my truck and sing the lyrics to my favorite Breaking Benjamin song to drown out my thoughts, thankfully by the time I pull into the driveway, I have managed to successfully push my prior train of thought into the depths of my mind.

I walk through the house to the small kitchen and drop my bag on the table. I smile a little as I hear Charlie fiddling with the DVR. He works a revolving shift, one-week days, one-week afternoons, one-week overnights and repeat. Tonight was his first overnight shift. As chief, it is within his rights to work the day shift exclusively, but this is a small town, and he refuses to make his guys do anything he won't do himself.

"Hey, dad. Whatcha doing?" I ask taking in the frustration on his face.

"Hey, Bells. I'm trying to watch the game I recorded on this DVR thing last night, but its giving me trouble. Why can't we just use a VCR?" I have to laugh, but I show him how to get to his precious game. "Thanks. What's for dinner?" I shake my head at him good-naturedly. "I mean, how was your day? Do you have a lot of homework? Oh, and by the way, what's for dinner?" He says teasingly.

"Baked Ziti, but I do actually have a lot of homework, so Prego makes the sauce tonight, not little old me."

He absently mutters "Sounds good, Bells" as he turns back to the flat-screen. I roll my eyes. He may not know exactly how to use the 'DVR thing', he may mostly use his department laptop as a paperweight, and he may think twitter is a bright, yellow bird, but we have a 60-inch high-def Sony with surround sound in the living room. Oh well.

I grab an apple and flip open my Calc book to get started. I'm pretty much done 45 minutes later when I need to start dinner. Baked Ziti is great, boil the pasta, throw on some sauce, toss together with cheese, pop in the oven for a while, and presto. I throw a bag of pre-made salad into a bowl and call it done. After dishing up a couple of plates, I call Charlie in. He grabs his plate with a distracted 'thanks' and goes to sit in front of the tube. Sighing, I pick up the novel we are reading in AP English and dig in, too. After dinner, I do the dishes and finish my homework while Charlie gets ready for work. I go about nightly routine, making sure Charlie is aware I'm getting ready for bed. I grab a book and hop into bed.

"Night, Bells. I'll see you when you get home from school tomorrow. Have a good night. Call if you need anything. Love you, kid."

"Night, dad, be safe"

"Always am"

I listen for the telltale sound of his cruiser leaving the driveway before texting him.

_?- B_

I wait for his response, trying to seem cool and collected, I'm not sure why. I'm the only one here and I already know I've gotten in too far.

**8-)** -E

A large smile breaks across my face. How the fuck did I get myself into this? Oh, right, the summer…

"_Thanks for dropping me at Jakes dad."_ I stated stepping out of the passenger side of his cruiser.

_"_You're sure you'll be OK? I know I leave you alone too much, but you must be getting pretty desperate to voluntarily spend the night at the Black's, Jacob always seem to get under your skin after a time… You are sleeping on the couch, right?" His voice raised almost an octave and his eyebrows shot up to his hairline as he spoke the last line.

"Yeah, dad. It's Jake. Of course it's just the couch. Don't worry, Billy will be there." Maybe, he'll make Jake give me the bed… I know he won't offer it to me himself. I swear, just because we've been friends since diapers, doesn't mean I wouldn't appreciate a little gentlemanly behavior. I snorted thinking of Jacob and gentlemanly anything in the same sentence. "Good night. Please be careful."

"You know I always am. OK. If you're sure then have a good night and be good. Call if you need anything." I closed the passenger side door and he turned the car around and headed back to town.

Just then, Jake pushed the front door of his small 2-bedroom ranch open. "Hey, Bells." He managed through his yawn, stretching as if he had just gotten up. I rolled my eyes. It was 3pm.

"When did you get up?"

"Which time?'

"The last time"

"Um. When I heard your dad's car in the driveway" He shrugged and smiled sheepishly. "It's the first day of summer vacation. I'm catching up on a whole school year's worth of not sleeping in on weekdays. Plus I wanted to be well rested for tonight. This is always the party of the year. Who knows what'll happen!" He waggles his eyebrows at me and I roll my eyes.

Jake was a little less than a year younger than me and a year behind in school. He's barely 16, although he sure doesn't look 16. He's 6'5 with beautiful russet colored skin and shoulder length jet-black hair; a smile so warm and brilliant that it could melt ice with a personality to match. It's really too bad that I couldn't see him as anything but a brother- much to his dismay.

"You ready for tonight?" He said.

"I guess so. Hey, maybe you can finally find yourself a chica of your very own. What do you think? Is tonight the night you I lose you to another woman?" I asked dramatically putting my hands over my heart, trying not to let the hope sneak through. I was well aware of Jake's feelings for me. I knew he just needed someone else to fixate on.

He scowled and replied with forced sarcasm "You know you're the only woman for me."

"Yeah, right." I responded with a playful slap to his chest. "You ready? Lets head down to the beach to stake a claim on a good spot."

"OK. I'll grab a couple of towels and a blanket and we can go on down."

Thirty minutes later, we were arriving at the beach and everything was still being set up. The band – really just a couple of Quileute boys messing around with instruments- was still in set up mode and there were only a few others around. We set up the blanket close enough to the fire pit to feel the heat, but far enough away not to get singed by it. As soon as the kegs were in place Jake jumped up to grab us a couple of beers. After a couple of hours, Jess & Lauren dropped by to gossip about hot guys and bitch about everyone else before taking off with some of the boys in the band for who knows where. The rest of the night went just like that: Jake got the drinks, people stopped by to chat or gossip and I laid on the blanket drinking, my head pleasantly fuzzy as I stared at the sky.

It was getting pretty late, and I was ready to get going, but Jake was talking to some girl over by the rapidly emptying keg- and I _so_ did not want to interrupt that. And Jess & Lauren were off doing something… or someone. So I decided to take a walk to clear my head. My head spun as I stood up "Whoa. Head rush" I stumbled a little and put my hands out to steady myself. I probably shouldn't have gotten up so fast. But I did manage to stay on my feet, so I trudged down the beach for a little night air, trying to stay focused on keeping myself upright. Left, right, stumble… left, right, stumble and repeat when I heard Jake run up behind me. He threw his arms around my waist, spun me around and planted me on with a thud, right on the wet sand; his body landing half on me, half on the beach. "Hey! What the fuck are you doing?"

"Just goofing around. I didn't want you to wander off by yourself. You never know what's gonna getcha." He smiled.

"OK. Fine. Thanks, I guess. Just get off me now." I tried to push his body completely off mine, but he was a dead weight. He turned is face down toward mine and looked at me seriously. Uh-Oh!

"Bella, baby. You know I love you. I've loved you my whole life. Just let this happen. You know it will, stop fighting it. I want you so bad" I heard him talking but he sounded muffled, as if speaking through a paper bag. Wait… did he just call me _baby_! Fuck Me!

"No, Jake. We're friends. Just Friends! And we're drunk. This would be a mistake. Just back off. It's not gonna happen. Ever." I said while trying to shove his big chest off me with both hands. And when I looked in his eyes and saw the look of determination there, even through my alcohol-induced haze I knew he was going lean in and kiss me. I managed to turn my head to the side so that his lips landed on my cheek instead.

All of a sudden, I felt myself being pulled out from under him and held against a very firm, male, body. I probably should have been concerned, but I was too upset and drunk to care. I kept my eyes on the sand trying to focus on not throwing-up all over this nice smelling boy.

I heard a melodious voice next to me say "I think she said 'No' If you really love her, if you're really her friend, then just let it be. Talk to her when you're both sober" I think I heard Jake mumble something, but by the time it registered I was being walked up the beach toward the parking lot and settled into the passenger seat of a very nice looking car.

"Do you have a ride home?" My rescuer asked.

"No. Dad's at work. Was gonna crash with Jake or Jess."

"Well, Jake will most likely be sleeping it off on the beach tonight. Where is Jessica?"

"Dunno. Think she left with that skank Lauren and a couple of boys from the Rez."

I heard him sigh in frustration."Was she expecting you?"

"Nuh-uh. Came with Jake."

"OK. I'll call your dad."

That woke me up a little "NO. No. no." I shook my head for emphasis. "You cannot call my dad. If you do, he will ground me for the entire summer, bust up the party and I'll be a pariah for the rest of my existence in this horrible little town. Can't I just_ stay with you…"_ it was then I realized I had no idea who I was even talking to. Apparently, I have the situational awareness of a gnat when I drink. So I finally looked up into his eyes_"… Edward." _I turned my best smile on him. I had nowhere else to go and I knew I would be safe with him. I'd known him since kindergarten, even if we hadn't really talked in a couple of years. I knew him. We'd gotten married in kindergarten for fuck's sak! He then tried to tell me it wasn't a good idea, so I gave him my best pout and matched it with pleading eyes._" _Please, Edward. I'll sleep on the floor in your room. I'll be really quiet and I promise, no one will find out. _shhhhh"_ I put my fingers to my mouth to emphasize my intended silence.

I watched him battle with himself for a few seconds before rewarding me with a crooked smile "OK. I think I can work something out. Let me just find my brother and sister and we'll go home. Just stay here. Alright?" Before walking away he turned back and said "Oh, and if you feel the need to… you know… either lean out the door or use the plastic bucket by your feet." I nodded to him in understanding and rested my head on the back of the seat. After who knows how long, I felt a soft warm hand on my face. I smiled knowing it was Edward. I _knew_ he still had a thing for me.

The next thing I knew I was laying in the middle of a big bed. It was still very dark, and at first, I wasn't sure where I was. I started looking around for something familiar until I saw the head full of messy, bronze hair on the arm of the couch. Ohhh, right. Edward. I took in my surroundings and realized this wasn't the same room he had as a kid. I think it used to be Carlisle and Esme's room. Huh. As my eyes adjusted, I could see that there was a bathroom in the room. Thank, God! I really had to go. I got up and ran into the bathroom closing the door as quietly as possible so as not to wake him up. However, when I came out, he was sitting up on the couch, awake…

I shake myself out of the memory and get ready to leave. I looked at the time. Damn. Only 11:45pm. I can't be on time. He has to believe that he is just a means to an end. That I can walk away at any time. I sit on the stairs bouncing my knees until midnight and sneak out the back door to the woods. I uncover the old dirt bike I had "appropriated" from Jake and walk down the block before kicking it to life. I have to keep to smaller side roads and dirt roads so as not to be seen, but at least if dad or one of the deputies drives by the house, my truck is still there and nothing will look out of place.

The 20-minute ride to Edward's house is nice. I like being out alone late at night, especially on the bike. It's peaceful somehow. I turn the engine off at the dirt-road turn in and walk quietly up to the house. I carefully climb the tree flanking the balcony and swing my legs over the railing, landing as lightly as possible. He notices me and the look in his bright, green eyes makes me feel I might melt away. As I stalk closer to him I repeat the mantra in my head… this is just a convenient arrangement… this is only physical…. This is just a convenient arrangement…. God he's gorgeous – Stop! This is just a convenient arrangement…

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><p><strong>Things are getting pretty busy for me, but I'm slowly plugging away. the next chapter is written and just needs to be edited. Again, I'll try to get it out next week. Let me know what you thought of the chapter! <strong>


	4. Chapter 4: Crush

**Obligatory Disclaimer: SM owns everything… lucky bitch! **

**If you are under age… please stop reading now! Just don't! I do not want to be responsible for corrupting young, impressionable minds…. Only slightly older ones****

**Author Note: My first lemon here, guys… so try to be kind. I hope you like it!**

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><p><strong>Self-Esteem: Ch. 4 Crush<strong>

I blow out a breath that I didn't know I was holding as I try to hide my smile. Thank, God tonight isn't one of those nights she decides to blow me off last minute. I really want to see her tonight. Although usually when she sends a text she shows, there have been quite a few nights where she said she was coming and didn't make it… never telling me she wasn't coming… never giving me a reason why. Usually, I go to bed after an hour of waiting. I suppose I could have always sent her a text asking where she was, but that would be as good as admitting I want this to be more than physical. I can't have her know just how much I really want her here; she already has too much power in this… whatever it is. I can't give her any more, it would break me. She slips through the glass door into my room in a pair of dark blue jeans and a vintage Nirvana t-shirt. I want nothing more than to jump off the couch, throw her onto the bed, and kiss the living shit out of her, but by now, I know that she needs to feel in complete control of these encounters.

She slowly saunters over to me without a word; the lust evident in her eyes. When her knees meet the couch, she places one leg on either side of my lap and sits until she is straddling me, all without breaking the intense eye contact. Her eyes are like deep pools of milk chocolate with flecks of caramel. I take in a breath but before I have the chance to say a word, she reaches up and puts her arms around my neck, pulling me down forcefully to latch her lips to mine. I run my tongue along her top lip and she automatically opens her mouth. I tilt my head to a better angle so I can deepen the kiss. When I move my hands to her perfect ass and squeeze the way I know she likes, she moves in closer and fists her hands into my hair, pulling, just hard enough to almost be painful- almost. She uses her grip on my hair to snap my head backward giving her better access to trail soft, open-mouthed kisses down my jaw and neck, biting softly where my neck meets my shoulder. I can't help but let a small moan escape my mouth. I run my fingers under her shirt to feel her soft, creamy skin, making small circles with my fingers, while reaching for the clasp of her bra. She shivers lightly and pushes herself down hard onto my swollen cock, making us both moan quietly. My hips buck involuntarily at the feeling. I can feel the heat radiating off her center through her jeans and my boxers. Before I know it, she yanks my shirt up over my chest. I help her pull it over my head and throw it across the room. As soon as I'm free, I return the favor, running my fingers across her overheated skin as I drag the shirt and lacey bra off her body, tossing it next to my shirt on the floor. Once we are both free, she returns to attacking my mouth with hers, and runs her hands over my chest. I massage her breasts slowly, playing with her nipples one-by-one.

Suddenly, she stands grasping my hands in hers and sucking her bottom lip between her lips and looking at me through her luxuriously long eyelashes. I rise to meet her just as quickly and we walk back until the back of her knees hit my bed. Lifting her up, I finally get to throw her on the bed and she lets out a small giggle. Her legs circle my waist as I lay on top of her using my arms to hold my weight off her slight frame. I feel her grind her hips into mine. I know she can feel what she does to me, I'm so fucking hard. I trace wet butterfly kisses down her neck, stopping nip her collarbone and suck the sensitive skin there. I continue my trail downward until I reach the taught, pink peak of her right breast. I flick her nipple with my tongue a couple of times before sucking it in and biting lightly on the hard nub. She hisses and arches her back, while dragging her fingernails roughly through my hair. It feels so fucking good I almost can't stand it- almost. I massage her other nipple with my hand and then switch to give them both the oral attention they deserve. I continue trailing open-mouthed kisses down her stomach, taking the time to gently pull that sexy, silver belly-ring with my teeth, which makes her shiver in pleasure.

"Mmmm. Edward." She sighs

Before it is even a cognizant thought, my hands are unbuttoning her jeans, sliding down the zipper and ripping them and her panties down in one swift move. I smile mischievously as I catch her staring at the large bulge in my boxers. Her teeth have recaptured her bottom lip, which is now swollen with the force of our kisses. I take a second to admire her. God, she is beautiful. Gorgeous breasts that fit perfectly in my hands. Pink nipples that are sensitive and responsive to even the lightest touch. Flat stomach and rounded hips, attached to long, slender legs.

Shaking my head to snap out of my Bella-induced stupor, I pull her left leg up and place small kisses down her leg from her inside of her ankle to the top of her inner thigh, repeating the procedure with the other leg. She is now fisting the sheets with both hands on either side of her body with her head thrown back in anticipation of what she knows is coming. I finally make my way to the apex of her thighs, groaning as I smell the sweet scent of her arousal. I take my time and lick the length of her wet folds a couple of times, stopping flick my tongue rapidly over her swollen clit on each pass. I always love that first taste of her and moan in response. Her flavor is divine and her smell drives me wild: all musky, sex and Bella. I feel myself grow impossibly harder as I latch my lips around her engorged clit and suck lightly.

"Oh, God! Edward!" she whispers just loud enough for me to hear. She knows the story of how Emmet lost this room and has no intention of ever getting caught here herself.

"Mmmm. You taste so good." I murmur as I return to lick her clit and plunge one finger inside her. She gasps and bucks her hips, encouraged, I add another finger and she rewards me with a quiet moan. I move my fingers in and out while continuing to lap and suck her clit. I know she is starting to get impatient, when she tries to pull me up her body, but I resist. I could stay here all night, but she squeaks out a small "Please." And lord knows I cannot deny her. So I slowly make my way up her body and she helps me push my boxers down with her feet. She licks her lips as her eyes see my now exposed cock, hard and ready for her. I love that she wants me insider her so badly. I kiss her forcefully on the mouth, our tongues fighting for dominance.

She breaks the kiss, twisting to reach over to the nightstand where I keep the condoms. Taking one out and tearing open the package with her teeth, I watch in silent awe as she uses her soft hands to role it down my shaft. I position myself at her entrance, teasing her with just the tip. She is so fucking wet. I can barely wait to be buried inside that perfect heat. The look in her eyes says she is just as desperate as I am. I finally push into her slowly, feeling her wet, hot, slick walls envelope me inch-by-inch. "OH. GOD!" we gasp simultaneously. Her legs wrap around upper thighs giving me an incredible angle… I am so deep this way.

I take a moment to relish the feel of her, the soft sounds she makes, the sight of her on my sheets, the feral look in her eyes. Then I start to move; slowly at first, building speed to find the best rhythm that will take us over the edge. I know I've got it when she slams her head back into the pillow and cries "shit." I can't help but smile. She leans up and takes my mouth, pushing her tongue inside mine in sync with the pace of my hips. When her hips begin thrusting up to meet mine I know she's close.

"Oh. Yes! Fuck. God! Yes, Edward! Harder… faster. Fuck me, just… fuck me." She cries as her eyes shut tight in ecstasy. I push as hard and fast as I can without hurting her, trying desperately to last until she comes.

"Oh. God! Bella, Bella, Please." I plead with her to come so I can let go myself. I move a hand between us to circle her clit rapidly as I slam into her again and again.

"Edward. Oh, Edward. I'm coming! God… fuck… I'm…" Finally, I feel her walls convulse and grip me even tighter. Her entire body goes rigid and she momentarily stops breathing as her nails dig into my shoulder blades. I'll have to change for gym in a stall tomorrow, but I don't care. It is so fucking worth it. While she is still riding out the wave of her orgasm, she whispers in my ear "God, I love fucking you" She traces the shell of my ear with her tongue and scrapes her nails down my back "Come for me, Edward. Edward. Please." She mutters breathlessly. So I do: hard.

Spent, I collapse on top of her with my head on her shoulder still stabilizing my weight on my forearms as we spend a few moments riding out the waves of our orgasms, catching our breath and letting our heartbeats calm, before I pull out and throw the condom in a tissue to be disposed of properly. Later. Right now, I want to savor whatever time I have left with her in my arms. I roll over on my back pulling her into my side. She lays her head on my chest and runs her hand gently along my side as I absently run my fingers through her long hair. A few minutes later, I feel her eyes on me and look down to meet them, afraid of what I'll see.

"Edward. I… You… We… Are you OK?" She stammers.

I quirk my brow up and give her my best crooked-smile "That's a really odd question considering what we just did." I try to lighten the mood enough so she won't go there. Not tonight.

"Don't. You know that's exactly _why_ I'm asking. I mean, what we just did. How can you stand it? I don't understand?" She picks her head up so she can look directly into my eyes. I can't help but sigh. She does this all the time. She asks me why I continue to see her in secret even though she won't acknowledge me in public. She tells me she would understand if I told her not to come. She tells me we should stop doing this. But, I'm not in the mood for any of that tonight. It's been over a week since I've had her here, and I know she will be slinking out any minute now, and then I don't know how long it will be before she comes to me again and I just don't want to waste the time.

"Don't do this now, Bella. We've been over this. This _thing_ we have between us" I use my hand to gesture between us "is mutually beneficial. I have told you several times that if it stops being advantageous for me, I will stop it."

"But, Edward, I'm using you for sex." She looks away and vehemently shakes her head back and forth biting her bottom lip.

"Let me tell you something, 17 year old guys don't care if they are being used, as long as they get off in the end. I get to have amazing sex with a beautiful, popular brunette. I am one lucky, lucky bastard." I try to give her a smile, but inside all I can think is: at least until she gets tired of me and moves on, but I don't even want to begin thinking about that right now.

She opens her mouth as if to argue, but closes it and lays her head back down on my chest. A few more minutes pass until she sighs deeply and pulls herself up to clean up in the bathroom before she takes her leave. While she's out of sight, I rub the heels of my hands into my eyes and yank at my hair in frustration. I just don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. I quickly lay my arms at my sides when I hear the bathroom door open and smile when she re-enters the room.

"I've got to go. It's really late, and we have school in the morning." I look at the clock,. Shit, she's right it's already after 2am. "Goodnight, Edward." She turns and heads for the glass door to the balcony.

"Will you be OK getting home? You know I worry about you being out there by yourself this late at night. I wish you'd just let me go to your place. Or at least that you'd drive your truck. I hate that damn dirt bike."

She gives me a hard look "I can take care of myself, Edward. I don't need to be coddled… especially by you. I'll be fine." Then she whips her head around and reaches for the door.

Despite the harsh way she just spoke to me, I want to go to her and kiss her good night properly. I want to hold her in my arms and refuse to let her go, but I don't. I just lay on the bed feigning indifference as she quietly closes the door and disappears over the railing of the balcony. Even though I ache a little inside every time she fucks me and leaves me, this has still been the best couple of months of my life. I grab the used condom and head into the bathroom to clean up before crashing, I can barely keep my eyes open and can't wait to close my eyes. But before I can stumble back to bed, I see a figure perched on the edge.

"You have explaining to do. Don't even try to lie to me. Out with it, Edward. What's going on?" I start to panic a little. I knew this would eventually happen. I knew someone would eventually figure it out and I would have to explain it, I was just hoping for a little more time. If this were to get out, I'd lose her.

"Damn it, Alice! What the fuck are you doing? It's late. I'm tired and going to sleep now." I walk right past her and crawl into my bed.

"Nope. Not gonna happen. Out with it. Now." She turns and gives me her I-know-your're-up-to-something-and-I'm-not-leaving-until-you-come-clean look.

"Nothing is _'going on'_ Alice. I couldn't sleep so I was up reading and had to use the bathroom before crashing, when I came out and found my annoying sister in my room at 2 in the fucking morning. Now go away so I can sleep" I have little hope that that will work. She knows me too well, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

"You think I don't know when something's going on with you? I've known for a while now, but I was giving you time to tell me on your own before forcing it out of you. I know you're seeing someone, Edward" With this statement, she stands up to her full 5'1 height and puts her hands on her hips, glaring at me menacingly. I meet her eyes and we stare each other down in silence for a few moments. Of course, I break first. She resumes her seat on the edge of the bed, impatiently waiting for my answer.

"Ugh. Fine. OK. Yes, there is someone. Tell me what you know and I'll help fill in the blanks." I sigh deeply and bury my face into my pillow, so I don't have to look at her. I'm not about to just spill everything. I need to know what she knows first so I know how much I can get away with keeping from her.

Suddenly, her dark, forceful demeanor changes and a brilliant smile crosses her face. "I KNEW it! I knew it." She claps her hands together and rubs them back and forth while bouncing on the edge of the bed. "So, who is it? How long have you been seeing her? Is it serious? Why haven't I met her? Are you embarrassed of her? Wait… are you embarrassed of me? I know she's been coming over at night for weeks now… are you guys having sex?"

She finally stops her endless stream of questions to catch a breath. My head is spinning. What should I tell her? It would be nice to be able to talk to one person about this, even if it is my sister. "I've been seeing her for a couple of months now. It's not serious per se. Yes, she comes over some nights. It's none of your business whether we're having sex. I am not embarrassed of her _or_ you, it's just really complicated."

"AND?"

"AND… what?"

She shakes her head in frustration. "You forgot the most important part. Who exactly is the mystery girl?"

"Huh, miss 'I know when something is going on with you'. I figured you'd already know who it is." I say sarcastically.

"Who, Edward?" She quirks her eyebrow at me.

I quickly calculate my odds of getting out of answering that one. They aren't good. For someone so small, my sister is a large force to be reckoned with. "OK. If I tell you, you cannot tell _anyone_, I mean _ANYONE_. Not Rose, not Emmet, not even Jasper." She looks at me incredulously.

"OK, I won't tell anyone. So who is she?" She returns to bouncing on the bed.

"No, Alice, I fucking mean it. No one can find out! I want you to swear to me- as your twin, your favorite sibling that you have been with since _before_ birth that you will. Not. Tell. A. Soul." I look her right in the eyes so she can tell how serious I am

Her face turns serious all of a sudden and she leans over to put her hand on my leg. "OK, Edward. I promise. If it means this much to you, I won't tell anyone, not even Jasper."

Ripping the band-aid off quickly, I sit up and breath out "its Bella." And quickly look at her face for a reaction.

"Bella… as in Isabella Swan… Bella the Bitch… wow. I don't know quite what to say to that. How'd it happen? Wait… you said you never had her here the night of the First Beach party. That she was able to stay at a friend's house after all. _WHY_ did you lie to me? More importantly _HOW_ did you lie to me?"

"Let's just say I was extremely motivated to keep this a secret." I smile wryly.

Her face takes on an air of pity when she looks at me and pats me gently on the shoulder. "Are you OK with this arrangement? I'm sorry, Edward."

Leave it to my sister to cut through the bullshit and hit right on the mark. I just shrug and try to look cool about it. Alice sighs.

"I know how you… _are_ about, Bella. I know how you feel, even if you have been trying to hide it. It's got to hurt when she won't even acknowledge you in school."

"You don't understand, Alice. I don't care about what happens at school as long as I get to have her _some_ of the time."

"You're right, Edward. I don't understand. You're my brother – my favorite sibling who I have been with since _before_ birth- I can tell when you're hurting. Tell me about it, so that I can try understand."

I run my hand through my hair, squeeze my eyes shut tightly and take a deep breath, as I get ready to let my sister in on my "secret _relationship_" with Bella.

"OK. If you must know…

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><p><strong>OK, next chapter is Edward's version of what happens after Bella wakes up the night of the First Beach party. It's in the works, but I have papers due, and finals to take, so It may be a couple of weeks… I'll try to get it out sooner. <strong>

**Ahem… I might be motivated to lose a little sleep and finish it if I get some reviews! Also, I would really love some feedback on this chapter. Like I said at the beginning, I've never written a lemon before, so it's a little nerve wracking, and I would love some suggestions as to how to make future ones better! **

**I am also open to ideas about which parts/scenes/chapters anyone may want to see from either Edward's or Bella's perspective.**

**As always, Thanks for reading the inner workings of my warped mind!**


	5. Chapter 5: Dirty Little Secret

**Obligatory Disclaimers: SM owns everything… sigh… **

**If you are under age… please stop reading now! Just don't! **

**OK, finals and papers are done, I have some time off before my next classes start, so I hope to get a bunch of chapters done while on break! We shall see how it goes.**

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><p><strong>Self-Esteem: Ch. 5 Dirty Little Secret<strong>

I tell Alice about finding Bella on the beach drunk with her equally drunk friend hitting on her; finding out she had nowhere else to stay; her begging me not to call the Chief and then taking her back to the house. I gloss over the details as much as possible, I don't need my sister knowing the specifics… but that doesn't mean I don't remember every second of that night with perfect clarity.

_Through my sleepy haze, I heard her coming out of the bathroom. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me sitting up._

"You're awake" she breathed

"Yes. I am. So are you." I returned not knowing quite how to react.

"Do you know what time it is?" She followed my eyes as I deliberately turned my head slowly to the nightstand where the alarm clock read 4:26am. "Oh. Thanks? Look, I'm pretty foggy about everything, but I seem to remember you saving my drunk ass from sleeping it off on the beach or having to call my dad, so, thank you." Her face looked very serious.

"When will your dad be home? If you don't want to get caught I should take you home before he gets back."

"NO…" she shouted a little too forcefully. " I need to go to Jake's. That's where he expects me to be. How are we going to get out of here without your parents catching us?" She looked genuinely afraid at the thought.

"My parents are out of town for the weekend, so no problem there."

"Hey, this isn't your room. Wasn't this your parents' room?" I explained about the new master sweet and Emmet's big fuck up.

"Oh. I like it. It's large and roomy, but very comfortable. Um…" She started looking around as if searching for an escape.

"I can take you to Jake's now if you want. Let me just get dressed." She actually looked a little frightened… I guess she has to be drunk to be in a car alone with me.

"Or you could call him to come get you if you'd rather." I couldn't even look her in the eyes as I spoke.

"I don't think sneaking into Jake's in the middle of the night, without Jake, would go over very well. I'll text him and let him know I'm fine and to call me when it's safe for me to go. You can drop me back at the beach and I'll walk from there." Now _she_ wasn't meeting _my_ eyes.

"I can take you all the way to his house. It's no big deal." I shrugged

"NO!" she, again, shouted a little too forcefully. "That probably isn't a good idea… I… um… don't want you getting in trouble too if we get caught." She tried to give me a small smile, but I knew what she really meant.

"Sure. Whatever, I'm going back to sleep. This time _you _take the couch and _I'll_ take the bed." I stood up abruptly and stormed over to my bed, punched the pillow a few times, and laid down on my side away from her.

"Edward… I…I'm… Sor…" but I cut her off.

"Don't even bother. I know Bella the Bitch cannot be seen with Edward the geek. I got that memo years ago. Don't worry about it. I'm over it." I huffed and punched the pillow again before closing my eyes. I thought I heard her mumble 'I'm really sorry', but I couldn't be sure and by the time I turned around to look at her, she had straightened up. I literally watched the Bitch appear. Her eyes met mine with a challenge and straightened up to her full 5'4 height.

"That's right. I'm glad you didn't forget." She growled as she typed out a text. "I'll just curl up on the couch until Jake lets me know its all clear. And then you can drop me at the beach so I can get back to my life." I could tell that her face was flushed even in the darkness as she angrily stalked toward the couch, but her foot caught the edge of my comforter that was half thrown on the floor and down she went. I was up and to her side in seconds.

"Are you OK?" I asked as I took her elbow and helped her up. The second my skin met hers I could feel a hum of energy radiating between us. My first instinct was to let her go, but that was the last thing I actually wanted to do.

"I'm fine. Just fucking great!" She yelled and I could tell she was crying. She was trying to discretely wipe her tears away with her free hand.

"No you're not. You're crying. Are you hurt?" I held her at arm's length looking her over for injuries, but found none.

"No. I'm not hurt. I'm just… I'm just… UGH!"

She snatched her arm away from me and looked me in the eye taking a step closer. The look in her eyes was almost feral. We were only inches apart now and I could smell her strawberry shampoo. I was waiting for her to unleash her fury; to slap me even. Suddenly she stood up on her toes, pulled my face down to hers, and planted her lips on mine roughly. I was so shocked at first that I couldn't respond. When I felt her teeth graze my lower lip, I finally snapped out of my daze and responded eagerly. It was heaven! The electric spark I had felt earlier was nothing compared to the lightning bolts that were now shooting from where our mouths met down to my groin. At which point, I came to my senses… much to the dismay of my swollen extremity. I put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her away.

"Wait. What the Fuck was that? You just finished telling me I can't take you all the way to your friend's house for fear of being seen with me then fucking kiss me! What is wrong with you?" As the words were leaving my mouth, a large part of me was screaming to shut the fuck up. Every nerve in my body wanted to go back to the kissing. Instead, I just stared at her with my hands on her shoulders. She pulled herself out of my grasp and glared at me with her arms across her chest.

"I don't know. I don't know what came over me. You're right this _is_ stupid. Maybe I'm still drunk. Maybe I'm just happy you rescued me. Maybe I thought you'd expect that from me. I mean, why else would you have let me sleep it off in your room, with your parents out of town? I know my reputation, Bella the Bitch goes home with a guy, he ends up all smiles with a great story to tell in the locker room on Monday. You could sure use a bump in your reputation." She was really mad now. She was flushed from her shoulders to her hairline, breathing heavily, and glaring into my eyes.

I looked down at the floor, "I wouldn't expect that of anyone, no matter what they what their reputation is. I'm not like that, Bella. I just wanted to help someone who I've known practically my whole life. We used to be friends… good friends… I couldn't just let that drunk Neanderthal maul you on the beach and I couldn't just let you stay out there unprotected all night."

"I can take care of myself, Edward. Jake was drunk, nothing would have happened and I've slept on that beach before." Her normally warm, chocolate eyes remained cold, boring into mine, never wavering. We were so close that I could feel the heat radiating from her body. She slowly moved her hand up to my face and caressed my cheek. I found myself automatically nuzzling into it. She whispered "I know I'm not who I used to be. I know it's been a long time since we've been friends, but that doesn't mean I don't still care about you. I'm sorry it has to be like this. High school sucks." With that, she dropped her hand and looked at the floor.

Before I realized what I was doing, I had pulled her into my arms and was kissing her, softly at first and then with more passion. She ran her nails softly across my scalp and leaned further into me. It felt so damn good, I couldn't help the moan that escaped my mouth. My hands moved down to rest on her hips and we stood there, just like that, kissing as long as possible before gasping for breaths, just to start all over again. I felt her drag her nails down my back and raise the hem of my shirt. Every nerve in my body wanted her to rip my shirt off, but my brain, just wouldn't shut up.

"Bella. Wait. What are you doing? We have to stop. This isn't leading anywhere good and you know it." My traitor brain forced my unwilling mouth to utter.

"I thought it was going somewhere _very_ good." She retorted lifting her eyebrows and crossing her arms over her chest.

"It may not be any big deal for you, but for me it is. I am not the kind of guy to just have a one night stand with some horny girl" Again, I couldn't believe that actually left my mouth—I swear it was involuntary! She took a giant step backwards and looked up into my eyes. I had no idea what was going on in her head. I thought she might slap me. She should have slapped me. I thought she might run… and I would have understood. Instead, big, fat tears started running down her cheeks. She hid her face in her hands and sunk onto the bed. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. I had no idea what the fuck to do. Anger I was expecting, tears not so much. Finally, I walked over to sit next to her on the bed. "I'm sorry, Bella. That was incredibly rude and very insensitive. I shouldn't have said that." I stroked her hair softly while she cried.

She turned to me and laughed sardonically through her tears. "Why not, Edward? Isn't that exactly what everyone thinks? Isn't that who I am? Just some horny slut who fucks anything with a dick!"

"No, that's not who you are. I've known you a long time, and even though you have not necessarily been acting like yourself lately, I know the Bella I remember is still in there." I poked her chest above her heart with my index finger. "You think I don't see the insecurity in your eyes when you think no one's watching. You think I don't know your 'no dating' rule is to keep people from being too close to you… so they can't figure out that underneath that seemingly icy exterior is really a soft-hearted, sweet person who dies a little inside every time she hurts someone she used to care about. I know. I do."

"And THAT, that right there is why it is not a good idea for us to be friends. You know me too well. You can see through my bullshit into my soul. I can't have that, Edward. I need Bella the Bitch."

"Why? Why do you do this to yourself? Just stop. Stop using your brilliant mind to belittle people, stop using your beautiful body to feel something. Just stop."

"I don't… I…" she flopped onto the bed so she was now lying on her back. I spun around, sitting cross-legged so that I could see her face. She was biting her bottom lip and looking up at me with an odd expression, tears still running down her face. "If I tell you something, can you promise not to tell anyone? Anyone… even Alice?" She spoke so quietly, I barely heard her.

"I don't know, Bella. It depends on what it is." I looked at her warily.

"It's nothing bad… as a matter of fact, it will probably make your day. I just can't have anyone else knowing. It'd ruin everything." I ran my hands through my already untamed hair and nodded.

"OK. My reputation? All the stories about the party hook-ups? I started them. I started them and then the boys just ran with it, and I never corrected them. OK? I am not really the slut people think I am." She looked at me with fear in her eyes.

"Are you kidding me? Why would you do that?" I asked in a harsher tone than I had intended.

She rolled her eyes, shrugged one shoulder and snorted without humor, "Because, Bella the bitch-slut, fit better with my new persona than Bella the virgin-bookworm."

"Yeah. Right._ Virgin._" I muttered under my breath. But when I saw the look on her face, I knew she was telling the truth. "Virgin? Jesus, Bella! The entire school thinks you fucked half the male adolescent population of the town and you have never corrected them—ever, and you're still a virgin?" Then it was my turn to snort without humor. I looked at her with disbelief. She was so smart, so beautiful, why would she allow others to treat her like that?

"Yes, OK! I have never had sex, but who the hell are you to judge, you haven't either." She gave a small tight smile and her eyes challenged me to contradict her.

"How would you know? We haven't been friends in a long time, you said it yourself. Maybe I have a steady girlfriend who can't keep her hands off me! Maybe we fuck every day and twice on Sunday!" I just couldn't let her assume, who the fuck was she.

She let her eyes drop to the floor, "Because, Edward, while you were watching me parade around as the ice queen all these years, I've been watching you. I've watched you walk through high school like a ghost. You walk through the halls hugging the walls, so no one will notice you, you don't talk to anyone outside of your family, Angela, and the Hales, you sit in the back of every class and scrunch down in your seat; you don't even volunteer to answer questions in class when I know you know the answers. It's sad, Edward."

"You… you've been… watching me? Why?" I just did not understand her at all.

"Because you're right. Inside, I _am _still insecure. It _does_ bother me to act like I care about no one and nothing. You were the last true friend I had and I couldn't just let go of that." She whispered and finally looked up at me.

I don't know what came over me then. I leaned down and kissed her with a force that would bruise both our lips. She responded, immediately, pushing her hands into my hair. I moved so that I was lying on top of her with our feet hanging off the edge of the bed. This time when she went for the hem of my shirt, I let her lift it over my head and throw it on the floor. She took to tracing the lines of my chest with her fingertips, pulling on my nipples lightly. My eyes closed at the sensation. Everywhere she touched left a trail of electricity. I wanted to take her shirt off so badly, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Fortunately, she saw my eyes lingering on the hem and pulled it off herself.

I watched carefully as she leaned slightly forward to undo the clasp of her bra. When I finally found my senses, I slipped the straps off slowly, my lips following the path of the straps down her shoulders.

She was stunning. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I let them travel slowly down her body stopping at her perfect breasts and then down to her stomach. I couldn't help but mutter a low "Fuuuuck" as I saw the silver belly button ring shining in the light from the windows. It was just so sexy. I was still looking at her body in awe when I felt her finger run along my jaw line as she leaned up to kiss me.

Our lips crashed together as we fell back to the bed. Our hands were everywhere exploring the newly exposed skin. I kissed my way down her neck and chest to her breasts. Kissing each nipple before flicking my tongue and sucking on one and then the other. She made a low moan as I sucked gently on the right, while fondling the left with my fingers.

I felt her remove her hands from my back where she was scraping her nails gently in between my shoulder blades and push me backwards. I allowed her to roll me onto my back so she could straddle my hips. She kissed down my jaw to my neck and continued until she reached my left nipple. She gently bit down and I couldn't help but hiss. The next thing I knew her lips were on mine and she was seemingly in a frenzy. She moved her hands to the button of my jeans and began pulling, but I stilled her hands. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she smiled at me while working on the fly of my jeans.

"It looks like you're trying to take off my pants. But what for?"

She huffed "What do you mean what for? Why do you think? I want you Edward." Her eyes and her voice were both full of lust.

"I didn't really mean 'what for?' I meant, stop. Of course, you're right. I have never _been_ with anyone. My entire sexual history consists of heavy making out with a family friend when we visited them in Alaska over spring break. And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You just confessed that you haven't had sex before. We have barely talked in years and all of a sudden, you want to lose it to me? I thought you couldn't be seen with me. I thought you 'needed Bella the Bitch'

"We don't need to be seen in public to fuck in private, Edward. I'm offering myself to you; shouldn't you just take it and thank me?" Her smile returned as she yanked my zipper down.

I stopped her hands before she got any further. As much as my body wanted to, I just couldn't do this. "I'm sorry. I can't. If you've suddenly decided it's time for you to live up to your reputation, please do not start with me." My body ached because it wanted nothing more than to plow into Bella as hard and long as possible and my heart ached because I've longed for this to happen for years. But I couldn't. Not like this.

"Oh, I think you can" she stated using her soft hand to rub up and down my rock hard cock through my now exposed boxer briefs, smiling widely.

"You know that's not what I meant." I pushed her hand away, but God. I wanted her to do it again. "Of course _I can_ it's just I shouldn't"

"Come on, Edward. I know you want me. It's just tonight. Just this one time. No one even has to know – hell, no one can know." She added in a whisper.

My resolve was starting to crumble. I am a 17-year-old boy! I should not be turning down a chance to have sex – ever- let alone turning down the girl that has been the object of my obsession for I don't even remember how many years now.

"I don't know, Bella"

She smiled. She knew she had me. She leaned up slightly and whispered in my year "Please, Edward. I want this. I really want you. I just want to feel good- human- for one night. Let me make you feel good." Then she nipped at my earlobe and I was gone.

I took her hand and placed it back on my cock. She began rubbing me as I undid her jeans. She lifted up so I could pull them down her hips and she helped me remove them once they were too far down to reach. She pulled down on my jeans, so I lifted my hips up to accommodate her and pushed them down into the now growing pile of clothes on the floor.

"I don't want to hurt you, and it could hurt you" … and I don't want you to hurt me and it could hurt me, just not in the same way.

"All the more reason for you to be my first. You're right. It probably will hurt. You'll be caring and gentle. You won't hurt me anymore than you have to… besides, you may not last long" she smiled sarcastically.

I sighed, "You're probably right, I don't know how long I'll last, it is my first time." Before I could finish my statement, her mouth was on mine.

My hand trailed down to her panties. She was so wet. I moved my fingers to circle her clit through her soaked panties. She continued to rub my cock through my boxers and began to moving faster, She lifted her hips up and I got the hint she wanted her panties off. I removed them quickly and resumed my assault on her clit.

"Bella… fuck. You are so wet, so ready, but I want to make sure you feel good." I gently pushed one finger insider her. GOD! It was so wet and hot. She stiffened, and I stopped, but then relaxed and nodded, so I began to push in and out of her opening while using my other hand to rub her clit. When she began to moan, I added another finger, and this time she didn't even flinch. She just growled and thrust her hips up. She was so tight. Her moans were getting louder and her panting became faster, when I felt her walls clench around my fingers as she cried out my name.

"Edward. Oh my God, Edward" She once I removed my hand she sat up and helped me remove my boxers. She looked at my fully erect cock and actually licked her lips! She licked. Her. Lips. And tried to reach for my cock with her soft hands, but I stopped her, because there was a very good chance that I would come if she touched me right now, and I wanted to be inside her when that happened.

I started to get up but she grabbed me. "Stop. We are doing this. Now. Don't leave me.'

I just looked at her and said, "I'm going to get a condom. My brother keeps a back-up stash in my closet, so mom won't find them." I snorted. "He knows they'll be safe and untouched with me and mom wouldn't even think to look in my room." I rolled my eyes

"I'm on the pill. We don't have to use one." She looked down at her hands.

"I just don't want to take any chances. OK?" She nodded quickly. So I scrambled to the closet to get protection. And Emmet thought they would be untouched. Hmph!

When I returned to the bed, I looked her in the eyes. "Are you sure? We can stop at any time you know." She looked up at me through her eyelashes and nodded. So I tore open the condom and rolled it down my length. I leaned my body over hers, lining my dick up with her entrance and kissed her hard. She opened her legs wider for me. "Please, let me know if it hurts and I'll stop. OK?" She nodded, but I wasn't convinced. "I mean it."

"OK. If it becomes too much, I'll let you know."

"Ready?"

"Uh-huh" And with that, I pushed forward slightly into her heat. She tensed and I stopped, but she relaxed a little, smiled and nodded for me to continue. I pushed forward little by little at one point. As I moved through her barrier, she winced and tears ran down her face. I began to back away, but she locked her legs around my hips.

"Please, Edward. It's fine. It hurts a little, but I really feel all right. Don't stop." I nodded at her in response and kept going. When I was finally all the way in, I stopped. HOLY SHIT! I had never felt anything like this before. It was heaven. I wanted to scream, but I just rested my forehead on her shoulder.

"Tell me when it's OK for me to move."

After a few seconds, she thrust her hips up against mine and I took that as the sign, so I started to move. She scraped her nails down my back as I thrust in and out. She started to whimper.  
>"MMMMM. Edward. God."<p>

"Oh, Bella. Oh, Fuck! You feel so good, so fucking good. I've never felt anything like this. I don't' want to ever stop."

"Yessss. Fuck. Yesss."

Our skin slapped together until I felt a tightening in my stomach and I knew I was close. "Bella, I'm going to come. God, I'm gonna…." And I erupted with a grunt, stilling my body as I did. When I finished, I leaned my head back on her shoulder and let my weight fall carefully on her body, resting a moment before pulling out of her, removing the condom and placing it in the wastebasket on the side of the bed. "I'm sorry. I wish I could have lasted longer. You didn't come." I felt ashamed, like I had failed.

She just ran a hand through my hair and said, "It doesn't matter. You gave me one awesome orgasm before we even did it, and we weren't sure I would even enjoy it the first time, but let me tell you, orgasm or not, that was amazing."

"I know I hurt you. I felt you tense up and I can see the blood on the condom."

"Yea, it did hurt, at first, but then it just felt, good. Really fucking good."

I rolled over next to her naked body and ran my fingers up and down her torso. "So what now? What do we do now?"

"Well. First I thank you." And she leaned over to kiss me. "Then we get cleaned up and you drop me off at First Beach and things go back to the way they were yesterday."

"No. I don't like that plan. Didn't this change anything? Anything at all?"

She looked away and uttered "No. It can't change anything." So low, I thought she might be saying it to herself rather than me. When she looked at me, she smiled and ran her hands down my chest.

"Edward. I appreciate you doing this for me. I'm glad my first time was with you, and I don't regret a thing, but we talked about this. This is how things have to be. This was just a one night, a mutually beneficial, fuck. It didn't mean anything other than one old friend helping another out." Then she got up and went into the bathroom.

I just laid there staring at the ceiling. I wanted to cry. I knew I shouldn't have done this. But it's too late now and I'll just have to let her walk away. When she came out, she was dressed and holding her phone.

"Jake texted. He said his dad went fishing early this morning, so I can sneak in any time."

"Ok. Let me get dressed and I'll take you. Are you sure I can't just drop you off at his house?"

"No. It's better to just leave me at the beach. I told him that I ended up at Jessica's so I couldn't explain you dropping me off."

We walked downstairs, into the garage and got into the Volvo in silence. The ride was silent as well. It was just after 7:30am and the sun was peeking out a little from behind the clouds and trees. When we got to the beach, I pulled into a spot and turned the engine off, so I could get out and open the door for her, but she stopped me.

"Don't. I don't want to chance anyone seeing us together. Thanks. It was great." Then she kissed me on the cheek, hopped out of the car and ran down the beach.

That's when it really hit me. I had just slept with Bella. Bella, the girl I'd been in love with since kindergarten. We even got married for Christ's sake- sure, we were five, but still! 'Thanks it was great but don't talk to me on Monday' what a fucking idiot I am! I tore down the road back to my house and ran upstairs. I ripped the sheets off my bed, dragged them to the laundry room and threw them in the wash, then ran up to scrub her scent off me. After my shower, I calmed down a little.

I guess I did get to sleep with the girl I'd been in love with since kindergarten. I was her first. She was mine. We would always have that, no matter what else or who else happened, even if it was only for 1 night.

I clear my head of that memory and look at Alice for her reaction. She looks less than pleased.

"Edward, this is going to hurt you. I don't want you to get hurt. Have you thought about pushing her boundaries… trying to get her to lighten up at school? Maybe, if she really is _our_ Bella deep down, you can help her find the strength to be herself."

"Alice, I'm afraid I'll lose her. I don't want to lose her." I shake my head staring at the floor.

"You don't really have her, Edward. What do you really have to lose? Just think about it. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone, so your secret's safe with me, but someone will find out eventually, you know nothing stays secret in this little town, no matter how careful people are. Just think about it." With that, she stood up and left me alone in my room.

I don't have her… I _don't_ have her… I don't have _her_. The thought keep replaying as I fall asleep. I dream of Bella: that Lauren finds out and Bella denies everything and never comes to me again; that Jessica finds out and Bella confesses everything and we walk hand-in-hand down the hallway at school. But most of all I dream of what we could have if she would just let it happen. I wake up with a new mission: Make Isabella Swan mine.

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><p><strong>AN: I really would like to hear how you guys like the story. There are a lot of you who have me on alert, but not a lot who review… I am not to the actual begging stage yet, but I am starting to worry that people don't really like the story. So any words would be appreciated!**

**Even if you don't review, know I appreciate everyone who reads my little work of fiction. Thanks!**


	6. Chapter 6: In the Beginning

**Disclaimers: SM owns everything… sigh… **

**If you are under age… please stop reading now!**

**I am updating a little early because I'm going on vacation for a couple of weeks and I don't know if I'll have access to post while I'm gone. I am hoping to write quite a bit while I'm relaxing, but I will be with my mom, so it all depends on what she has planned for me… sigh.**

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><p><strong>Self-Esteem: Ch. 6 In the Beginning<strong>

Bella:

I run down the dirt road to where I left the bike hidden in some trees as fast as I dare. It is still a nice, warm, night, but there are clouds moving in and I do not want to get caught in a middle of the night Washington rain storm. I push the bike to the max barely making it inside before the skies open up. I kick my shoes and jacket off in the foyer then slowly plod my way up to my room. I change back into my boy shorts and tank for bed and go to throw the clothes I'd warn to Edward's in the hamper. But, as if compelled, I raised the shirt to my nose to breath in Edward's lingering scent. MMMMM, I love his smell.

As a wide, silly smile spreads across my face, I snap myself out of it, dropping the shirt into the hamper as if it's on fire. This is just sex, just physical, just a convenient arrangement. We both get our itches scratched… nicely I might add… I continue to rule the school and he gets to keep hiding in the shadows…. That's it! Hopping into bed, I glance at the clock "Fuck. It's after 3am. Today is gonna suck." I mutter aloud to myself as I curl up on my side to sleep. I am so tired, I figure I'll be out in seconds, but my mind won't stop spinning.

My thoughts assault me: I need to end this. _The way he tastes_. Someone will find out and I'll lose everything. _The way he smells._ I'm using him; it's not right. _The way his hands feel on my skin._ T_he way his eyes look when he's inside me, oh God!_ This is going to end badly; there is no other way for it to work out. Either I'll finally get him out of my system and stop making the midnight booty calls and he'll get hurt - - although according to him he is just using me for sex, so maybe not, right? OR He'll get tired of hiding and start locking the balcony door and I'll get… nope, not even gonna go there. OR, most probably, Someone will find out, I'll lose my status of queen bitch for fucking the biggest nerd in school; he'll be brought out into the spotlight and we'll both end up hurt… or maybe we could end up together?

Maybe it's time I give up Bella the Bitch. The whole thing is a front anyway. It started as a misunderstanding I just never corrected and it grew from there. It was the first day of second semester in 8th grade, my first day back in the Forks school system since 5th grade.

One day in the middle of 5th grade I got home from another usual day of school to find mom's old truck packed with all our stuff. _Here we go again._ Whenever they fought, mom would take me and we'd head off for a few days until she cooled off.

Mom met me on the porch steps. "You have 15 minutes to grab anything you need from your room that I missed. Keep in mind there isn't much room left. We leave in 20 minutes whether you're ready or not" The truck had never been that full before, we had never left without telling Charlie good-bye before and she wouldn't meet my eyes. I started to get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Mom, where are we going?" I looked up at her with questioning eyes. "Where's, dad? When will we be back?"

"We're leaving, baby. Daddy isn't coming… don't look at me like that. Please. We just have to go." I didn't miss the fact she didn't really answer any of my questions.

"What? Why? Is he OK? We've always stayed to say good-by to dad. What's the big rush now?" My heart was pounding a mile a minute in my chest. This was not good. Not good at all.

"He's fine. You're down to 15 minutes" she looked at her watch for emphasis.

The look in her eyes showed me that she was serious, so I tore into the house, ran up the stairs to my room and looked around. My closet and dresser were basically empty and most of books and CDs were gone. She had done a very thorough job. I grabbed my small photo album and the stuffed Lady, from Lady and the Tramp that Edward had given me, and dashed downstairs into the kitchen. I flung open the junk drawer, found paper and a pen, and wrote a note to my dad.

_Dad,_

_I don't know what's going on, but mom says we have to go and we don't have time to say good-bye. I didn't want you to worry though. I'm sure whatever happened, we'll be back in a couple of days. We always come back. I'll try to call when we stop for the night._

_Love,_

_Bella_

When I got outside, mom had already gotten in and started the car. I dragged myself to the passenger side door. As soon as I was buckled in, we took off at full speed. When we passed the sign that said Thank you for Visiting Forks, Please Come Again. I started to cry, using Lady to hide my face as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

We never stopped for the night, we just drove and drove. We ended up settling into a small house in Phoenix, where mom proceeded to flit from job to job trying to "find herself." I talked to dad on the phone sometimes, but he wasn't what you'd call verbose, so they were short calls and we would spend a week each year at Lake Tahoe, but that was it. I never called any of my friends. At first, it was too hard and then so much time had passed that I didn't think they'd even want to hear from me. I didn't get to say good-bye to anybody, my dad, my friends, to Angela, to Jake… to Edward…

The summer between 7th and 8th grade, mom met a minor league ball player, Phil Dwyer and apparently fell hard. He was quite a bit younger than her in age, but their maturity levels matched perfectly. By December of that year, they were married and he was traded to a team in Florida. They were newlyweds—in every sense of the word, and it was hard being around them, so I was filled with a certain amount of relief when Mom asked if I would mind moving in with Charlie for a while.

So, there I was walking into the same school I'd left 3 years prior not knowing what to expect. I was so nervous. Would anyone remember me? Would they wonder what happened? Would they even care? I doubted it. Well, maybe Angela… and Edward. I looked up when I heard a familiar laugh… speak of the devil. Edward was standing in the hallway with his back to me talking to his sister with his arm draped around Angela. My breath caught in my throat and my body moved forward of its own accord. My heart was beating wildly in my chest and then BAM! I was so lost in my thoughts that I ran right into Lauren Mallory.

"What the fuck? Who do you think you are? Watch where you're going or I'll rip your head off, Bitch!" She was the biggest bully in 5th grade and apparently still was.

Everyone in the hall turned to see what the commotion was. I just stood there in the middle of the hall with everyone staring. The blush that had started in my cheeks had now moved down to reach my toes. I could hear the whispers_ "Isn't that Bella Swan?"_ "_What happened to her" "I heard she was put away in a mental institution" "I heard that she went to juvie for killing her mom."_ Lauren was still staring me down, waiting for my reaction. I opened my mouth to say 'sorry', but what come out was a choked sob. Lauren began to laugh and then they all began to laugh. And something inside me snapped. I dropped the books that I had clutched to my chest and pushed her backward so hard that she fell on her ass. She looked at me like I was insane. She tried to get up, but I stepped on her hand using the heel of my black converse to grind it into the floor. Leaning over her now squirming form, I looked directly into her eyes and said:

"Who do I think I am? I'm Bella Fucking Swan that's who. Who do you think you are? Watch where you're going you cunt, or I'll shove my pointy size 7 right up your ass until it reaches that walnut you call a brain and remove the rest of what you call brain cells. Now get. Out. Of. My. Way." I pivoted using the foot currently on her hand and turned to walk down the hall to hide in my first class. Inside I was coming apart at the seams! I had never done anything like that before. I had never even muttered the 'C' word before. I was shaking and having trouble catching my breath. The crowd parted to let me by, staring in awe at what they had just seen and whispering under their breaths. When I heard footsteps behind me approaching quickly, I froze. Uh-oh. I knew this would happen. What was I thinking?

"Hey, Bitch! Where do you think you're going? No one speaks to me that way. No one treats me that way and gets away with it." She sneered coming to a stop right behind me, breathing hard, with her hands on her hips.

My adrenaline was pumping and my fight or flight reflexes kicked in. The sane part of me wanted to run in the opposite direction, but the small, unhinged part wouldn't let me, so I turned around to face her. I looked her dead in the eyes and smiled. Without a word, I pulled back my arm and let my fist fly with whatever force I could muster. My knuckles landed right on her nose eliciting a sickening crunch. Blood gushed everywhere as she screamed "You fucking, Bitch! You broke my goddamned nose!"

I just turned back in the direction I was originally going, flexing my now painful and swelling hand, and tossed over my shoulder as nonchalantly as possible "Yep. That's me… Bella the Bitch… don't fuck with me." As I walked away, I heard people start to murmur behind me and heard a bit of a scuffle. I figured it was just people scrambling to get Lauren to the nurse. With all the excitement, I was the first one to class, so I took a seat in the back by the windows. People were openly staring at me as they entered the room, but I just kept my eyes on the textbook. It was about half way through the period, when I was summoned to the principal's office.

"Bella. I would say it's good to see you back, but I'm not sure if that is entirely appropriate under the circumstances." Principal Snyder, had of course, known me since kindergarten as this is the only elementary school in Forks and it runs K-8. She was looking at me with pity. I started to cry. Sob actually.

"I don't know what came over me. They were all staring and Lauren was being so mean, and it's my first day back, and they were all whispering terrible things about me, and I miss my mom, and my dad doesn't talk much, and I just, just, just.. I don't know what came over me."

"It's OK, honey. I know things are stressful right now, and this isn't the first time Lauren has gotten into it with someone. But you broke her nose. I can't just let it go. Seeing as this is the first – and I am assuming it will be the last- time anything like this has happened, I'm just going to suspend you for 3 days. When you come back, I expect your attitude will be much better. Now, go to the nurse and put some ice on your hand while we wait for your dad to come get you."

I had no idea how Charlie would react to this, but I assumed it wouldn't be good. So I just nodded my head and slowly retreated to the nurse's office. About 20 minutes later, Charlie showed up in his uniform, with a tight look on his face and his arms crossed over his chest. No words were spoken as I followed him to the cruiser where he opened the front passenger side for me. I was half expecting to be put in the back. The ride was silent until we pulled up in front of the house when he turned to look at me and sighed.

"What was that about, Bells?"

"I don't know, dad. I just kinda lost it."

"Is this going to become a habit?"

"God I hope not." I shrugged

"Well, OK. You'll make up the work, go back to school next week and never repeat this little incident again. How's your hand?"

"It hurts" I said in a small voice.

"Good. I hope you remember that. I have to go back to work. I'll be home for dinner."

And that was that. When I returned from my suspension people gave me a wide berth. Most still whispered about things they had 'heard' about where I was or what I had done, but the fight combined with my mysterious missing years, kept them from saying anything directly to me and I was OK with that, for the most part. I saw Angela and she gave me a small wave, but she kept her distance like everyone else. I looked for Edward everywhere, but couldn't find him. I figured he was avoiding me like the plague I had now become.

Later that week, Lauren sauntered up to me in the cafeteria, her nose taped and bandaged with 2 black eyes. I was fully expecting to get my ass thoroughly kicked.

"Swan. I told you no one gets away with this shit… but where ever you've been has turned you into a bad ass, and I could use that to my advantage. So how 'bout it? You wanna come sit with me and meet the gang?" I didn't, I really didn't, but I wasn't going to get into another fight if I could help it. So I dutifully followed behind her to her table.

That Friday, was the first time I saw Edward. I wanted so badly to go talk to him, but just as I made a move toward him, I heard Lauren laugh loudly and nod in his direction.

"What a fucking freak. He never talks to anyone but his sister and that loser Angela. He never even makes eye contact with anyone! He dresses like a 40-year-old with is button down shirts, kakis, and shiny shoes. He thinks he is too good to talk to anyone just because he has money. It's kinda too bad though, because he could be good looking. And his brother is such a hotty."

Then she turned on her heel and left, probably expecting me to follow, but I couldn't. During Lauren's little speech, Edward had looked at me with questioning eyes. I couldn't just walk away from him, so once the coast was clear, I walked over to him, standing a few feet away. He looked relatively the same, a little taller and a little more definition in his still boyish face.  
>"Hi." He smiled down at me<p>

"Hi." I smiled in return "Where have you been all week? I was looking for you."

"I… um… I was out for a few days, but I'm back now. I see you're hanging with Lauren and her lemmings now. How did that happen? The last time I saw you, you had hit her right in the face."

"I'm not really sure, but I figured it was safer to just go along with her." The floor was suddenly the most interesting thing in the room.

"So, how've you been?"

"Um, OK, I guess."

"Bella" he reached his hand out to touch my face "What happened to you? Where did you go? Charlie told my dad that you and your mom moved, but why couldn't you even say goodbye? You never even called."

"I got home from school one day to find all my stuff packed and mom just picked us up and moved us to Phoenix. I didn't really have access to a phone for awhile, and then so much time had passed that I figured everyone would have forgotten me." I shrugged, still staring at the floor.

"I could never forget about you. Belle Note." We both smiled at the use of the nickname he had given me in 1st grade after watching Lady and the Tramp for the first time… he thought it was funny that my name was in a song. "I am glad you are back. But you shouldn't keep hanging out with Lauren, she is bad news." I looked up at him and it was his turn to stare at the floor.

"Oh, well she says the same about you. You know. She says you're a freak."

"Oh, I know what she says about me. But _you_ should know that isn't true. I just like to keep to myself. I would really like it if we could be friends again."

"I don't know, Edward. I just got here, and despite my first day's activities, I don't want to make any enemies. I don't think I could handle being on Lauren's bad side. Besides, I have never been in the popular crowd before, and it's been kind of nice feeling important. People don't whisper nasty things about me anymore. I like that."

"Bella. Just because you don't hear them, doesn't mean they aren't saying them."

We stood there staring at each other for a few seconds before Lauren came strutting around the corner. "There you are. In case you didn't know when I leave, you follow. I know you're new to this, so I'll let it slide. Come on."

Then she seemed to see who I was standing with. "What are you doing talking to _him_?"

I looked helplessly between the two of them before realizing what I had to do. "I was just asking this loser over here, why he is such a freak. I mean, who dresses like that anyway?" I forced a sarcastic laugh "What's the matter, nothing to say for yourself? Really, get a fucking life. Get a change of wardrobe and don't talk to me ever again!" I spoke the words with acid in my voice, but my eyes were pleading for him to understand.

"Ok. I get it, Bella. I won't bother you again." He seemed so sad as he turned and walked away.

Lauren put her arm around my shoulder, laughing at my exchange with Edward. "Wow. You really are a Bitch. Wasn't he like your best friend or something at one point? You really have changed. I think this relationship is going to work out just fine."

So that is how it went. I became Bella the Bitch, one of Lauren's cronies and stood by, laughing and smiling at the proper times, while she picked on everyone she deemed unworthy. Even joining in when I had to. It was uncomfortable at first, but when I realized I could do whatever I wanted and no one questioned me, it got easier. It was easier being her. I didn't have to care, I didn't have to justify my existence.

Things stayed pretty much the same into the first couple of months of freshman year, but then Alec, a senior, captain of the football team and homecoming king asked me out. I didn't want to go, but at that point it wasn't really up to me. Lauren called the shots and she knew this would boost our – meaning her- reputation, so I went. He took me to a house party in Port Angeles, got drunk, tried to slobber all over me, puked in the bushes and then left me at the end of my driveway saying he didn't want to 'ruin the night' by running into my dad. By Monday, everyone was talking about us. Apparently, I fucked him in his car on the side of the 101. I. Was. Pissed. And about to tell him off and make him tell the truth, when I noticed everyone was deferring to me instead of Lauren. The boys buzzed around me, not her. Jessica started walking with me to my classes rather than with Lauren. I have to admit it. I was a little smug. I thought, that if one little lie could boost me that much, why correct it? I knew the truth and that was what mattered. So I let it continue. I stopped 'dating', and just started hooking up at parties - all the boys expected me to put out, and were pissed when I didn't, but come the next week, they were telling everyone they were the latest to get into my pants. At that point, I just didn't care anymore. I was the queen. I had all the power and every boy's attention… except the one boy I really wanted.

I wake up a couple of hours later feeling like I hadn't slept at all. I get ready for school avoiding the mirror as much as possible and force myself to face another day. I grab a Special K bar and a bottle of OJ and hop into my beast of a truck. I get to school with a few minutes to spare.

As I sit in my usual seat in first period, I am handed a flyer on mint-green paper by Tori, one of Forks own skanky cheerleaders. I scan the page:

**FRIDAY!**

**Newton's 18****th**

**If you have to ask when, where or what to bring**

**Then you don't belong!**

**Usual will be provided**

**PRESENTS ARE ACTIVELY ENCOURAGED!**

Great! Mike's annual b-day bash. I roll my eyes. Another night with the usual suspects out in the woods getting drunk and/or high on a Friday night… how original. There is a clearing at the edge of town surrounded by a thick forest of trees on all sides. You can't find it unless you already know it's there. The 'secret' location of the party pit has been passed down to the elite year after year. The reality is that everyone who has ever been invited to, or attended a kegger in this town, knows where it is and how to get there. I even sometimes wondered if my Dad used to party there. Hmm… I so do not want to think about Charlie being a partier.

"Hey, Bella. You're going right?" Tori asked nodding toward the paper.

"Of course, I wouldn't miss it, it's always a crazy good time!" Or lame, but I guess here, it is the same thing.

"I know right? Last year I got so drunk, I gave Mike a lap dance in the middle of the pit and practically fucked him senseless in front of everyone. It was a great time!"

"Oh, I remember. It certainly was entertaining." Or disgusting, but I guess to her it is the same thing.

"Yeah. We ended up finishing what we started in the back of his truck and then I passed out. Mike drove home and forgot that I was back there! I woke up around dawn, half-dressed in the bed of his truck sitting in his driveway." She shook her head with a slight smile on her face, as if she was recalling one of her fondest memories. "Hey, isn't that the party where you fucked Tyler in the woods and he ended up getting poison ivy on his junk?"

"Um… sure, maybe. I don't really remember." I can never keep all of my fictitious trysts clear in my head. "I was really drunk!" I added to keep up the façade.

"Yeah, you were!" She nodded her head and raised her hand for a high-five. Oh, are we doing high-fives again, joy! "Let's just hope the undesirables don't decide to crash." I was momentarily impressed. I didn't think her vocabulary included 'undesirables'. She huffed as she looked over her shoulder at Angela who was reading a book at her desk. I took a deep breath. I really missed Angela's sweet, calm, accepting demeanor… and intelligent conversation.

"Oh, who cares, if any rejects do show, we'll just make an example out of them and send them home crying to mommy." I watched Angela stiffen at my words and had to push away my guilt. Edward's words came back to haunt me… _I die a little every time I hurt someone I used to care about…_

Right after class starts, I feel like I'm being stared at. I looked around to see Alice Cullen giving me a strange look. I stare back, giving her my best bitch glare, but she just gives a slight wave and pulls her stuff out for class. Weird. We aren't exactly friends, but we have always been friendly. I refused to acknowledge the sinking feeling in my stomach that she knew something she shouldn't.

The rest of the week went by quickly and without incident. I managed to ignore Edward during school hours successfully and I didn't give in to my urges to make a house call. Mike's party was the main topic of conversation throughout the halls and in the cafeteria, so by the time Friday rolled around, the student body is chomping at the bit to go party.

After school, I trudge out to my car hoping to get a nap in before tonight. I know it's going to be a late one and I was already dragging ass. But when I reach the driver's side of my truck, I am greeted by a long-lean boy, with sandy hair and bright blue eyes.

"What's up, Riley?"

"Nothin' are you going tonight?" He asked through a toothy grin.

"Of course, wouldn't be anywhere else, would I? Why?" I was starting to get a funny feeling this was not just about my required attendance tonight.

"Oh. I was just thinking that you might want to drive together. You know, save on gas and shit."

"Well… I have a full tank, but thanks anyway!" I tried to unlock and open the door, but he put his hand on my shoulder.

"You know that's not what I meant." He ran his hand down my cheek and rested it above the rim of my t-shirt. "I think you're so hot. I want you to be mine tonight."

Internally, I sighed. Of course that's what he means. That's all I'm good for anyway. I should have known he would be sniffing around me. His popularity has been waning ever since Bree dumped him a couple of weeks ago. Who better to put him back on top than Bella the Bitch. I knew what I had to do.

I winked at him and put on my best sexy smile. "Well, that's different. You know I don't date, but if you find me at the party, I'll save a spot for you. Just bring me a drink on your way over." He just nods and backs away from the truck. Once inside the cab, I blow out the breath I didn't know I was holding and started the engine. Tonight is going to be even longer than I thought.

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><p><strong>During my editing, I have learned I have a love affair with ellipses… Sorr<strong>**y… I don't think its habit I can break on my own. If anyone knows any tricks I would love to hear them! Or if anyone knows/feels like being a beta or pre-reader, let me know! **

**As always: let me know what you think!**

**Question: Does anyone want to hear Bella's side about the night of the First Beach Party over the summer? Let me know, and I'll see what I can do!**


	7. Chapter 7: I Need You Now

**Disclaimers: SM owns everything Twilight Saga related… ****I wish I could make that kind of money from a dream!**

**This is rated M for a reason, please don't read if you are under age**

**A/N: I'm back. The beach was amazing. Thanks for being patient with me! **

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><p><strong>Self Esteem Ch 7: I Need You Now<strong>

**Bella:**

I'm drunk, really fucking drunk. I got here about 2 hours ago and was handed a beer. We- Jess, Lauren, Tori, Bree and I- then moved on to Quervo shots, and now I am really fucking drunk. Riley found me about an hour ago and has kept the beer and shots coming ever since. Now he has his arm draped around my shoulders and is licking my ear, like that is supposed to turn me on… I like it when Edward nips my earlobe with his teeth and licks it better. This guy is just slobbering all over me, I will probably need swimmers ear by the time he's done. He keeps trying to kiss me, but I have no intention of cooperating if I can help it, so he has been kissing my cheek and down my neck. I made the mistake of wearing only a camisole and he keeps pulling the strap down to lick my shoulder. Really? Ooooh, baby, lick my shoulder. What a putz!

"Bella, come on let's get out of here. This party is fine, but _our private_ party is gonna be so much better." I turn to glare at him for his audacity and he finally manages to connect with my lips. He is all over the place. He tastes like beer and vodka. I want to gag when he pushes his tongue into my mouth. I swear he is trying to lick my tonsils like he was licking my shoulder earlier. He groans and moves his hands to touch my breasts through my thin shirt and lacey bra. Oh, no, no, no, buddy! Watch those hands! I pull back as subtly as possible, but he looks disgruntled anyway.

"Come on baby, I have a blanket in the back of my car, let's go find a quiet spot in the woods." He waggles his eyebrows, I think he is trying to be sexy, but I can't be sure. He stands up and holds his hand out for mine. I reluctantly take it and he pulls me off the ground, but I immediately drop it once I no longer need it for support. I don't want to touch him any more than I have to.

I follow him to his beat up old Honda where he grabs an equally worn blanket and moves toward the woods away from the party. I sigh as he leads me deeper into the woods. This is always the worst and most tricky part. When he finds a little area covered in pine needles and low ferns, he stops and turns around.  
>"This OK?" He asks but before I answer, he is already spreading the blanket on the ground. He sits down on the ratty thing and leans back on his elbows with his legs crossed at the ankle. A smug smile sits on his face. I try to return the smile, but only manage a grimace. If he notices, he just doesn't care.<p>

I sit down next to him cross-legged, waiting for him to make his move. I don't have to wait long. He turns to face me and wraps his arm around my waist urging me to straddle him. So I comply. Once he has me situated on his lap facing him, he leans down and kisses me, once again shoving his tongue in my mouth. His hands move to cup my ass and he groans. I pull away and take a deep breath trying not to look him directly in the eyes while he continues his assault on my body. Licking my collarbone… what is it with this guy and licking?

"You are so fucking hot! I can't wait to feel you around me." He says as he attempts to kiss me again, but I just push on his chest moving him to the ground. He is already hard and I can barely stand feeling it between my legs.

"Well, we'll have to see about that one, but I am gonna make you feel good." I plaster a fake smile on my face as I slide down his legs so I can fondle him. I start to rub his less than impressive member through his jeans and he moans rather loudly. Thank God, we are in the middle of the woods where no one can hear him. He begins to pant after only a minute or two and I can tell he is already close. Maybe I'll get through this without having to actually having to touch him under his pants at all. But I spoke too soon and he brings my hand up to the button of his jeans. I open it, slide down the zipper and return to rubbing him through is underwear.

"Oh, fuck, I'm gonna come." He is now writhing beneath my hand. A couple more stokes and he lets go. I knew he wouldn't last five minutes. I can only imagine how short it would have been if there was any skin on skin contact. He has his arm thrown over his eyes as he comes down from his high and I am already off his lap. "That was a nice warm-up. I can't wait for the main event. Just give me a little bit." He leers at me.

"Uh, I don't think so. Buddy. That's all you're getting from me tonight." And here it comes…

"What the Fuck? You fuck everyone else out here, but me? Come on, baby. You know you want it." He is sitting up running his hands up and down my arms trying to look sexy. Idiot.

"Nope. Not gonna happen champ" I pat his chest soothingly. "Besides, maybe I don't fuck everyone else, maybe they just say I do." That is my standard line. It gives me an out if anyone were to figure out my ploy and puts the idea in their heads.

"Yeah, Right. Come on, Bella. I need this. I need to get Bree back. I need to make her jealous enough to want me back." He whines like the baby he is.

"I saw her watching us as we left. You should have seen the evil look she gave me. She's already jealous. I don't need to fuck you for that."

He sits up and crosses his arms over his chest "You know I'll tell everyone we did it anyway, right? So what's the difference?" He sneers with a satisfied smile on his smug face. Hm. Usually, they don't just announce it like that. They just go and shoot their mouths off. At least he is being honest with me. Thank God, he has one redeeming quality… I am beginning to feel sorry for Bree.

"The difference is that I don't want to tonight. You know if you tell everyone we fucked, I'll tell everyone the truth: that I gave you a hand job and you didn't even last 5 minutes before jizzing in your pants." I raise my head to meet his eyes. I can almost mouth the next line out of his mouth before he says it: _who do you think they will believe…_

"Who do you think people will believe? You've already fucked half the school. Why would anyone believe that a slut like you would turn ME down when you haven't turned anyone down in the past 3 years?" He sneers.

I look down at the ground. I know he's right. Even if I wanted to deny it, no one would believe me. It's the only reason this whole situation works, but it still hurts to know its true. "Whatever, Riley, I'm leaving now. Go back to the party and find Bree." I turn heel and walk off. I hear him call me a bitch as he gathers up the blanket.

The best part about these parties in the woods is that it is less than a 10-minute walk to the Cullen's house. I am starting to lose my heavy buzz so I swing by and grab a shot and a beer for the walk. I sneak off making sure no one watches as I head through the woods toward Edward's. I can't wait to get to him. I need to feel his touch to erase the feeling of Riley on my skin. I shiver at that thought.

Once I reach the house, I look up through the tree to the glass balcony door to see if the light is on. It's not. Oh, well. He never locks the door anyway, just in case I come by unexpectedly. I climb the tree as carefully as possible. I can hardly scale this thing when I'm sober, so I always count my blessings when I make it safely to the balcony when I'm not. I pull myself over the railing, open the door, and step inside. I inhale his scent. It's everywhere.

The moonlight illuminates his prone form. He is sound asleep on his stomach with one arm hanging off the bed and the other raised above his head gripping his copper hair. He even molests his hair in his sleep, cute. His black sheet is hanging off his naked back that is rising and falling evenly. He really is breathtaking. It is almost a shame to wake him… almost.

I make my way over to him and crawl into bed beside him. I run my hands up and down his exposed arm and chest before leaning forward and kissing him between his shoulder blades. Mmmmm, so good. He stirs a little, but doesn't wake up. I start to place open mouth kisses on his spine before sucking on the sensitive skin at the base of his neck. I hear his breath hitch and suddenly I am on my back underneath him.

"Hi." He says before kissing me in earnest.

"Hi, yourself" I smile.

"You've been drinking. You taste like tequila and beer. Were you at Newton's party?"

"Of course, where else would I have been? I have to show at all these types of functions as a requirement of my job as queen bitch of Forks High." I try to keep the mood light.

"Oh, yeah? Well, then what are you doing here your royal highness?" He asks between small kisses to my neck.

"I wanted you. Badly." I return before pulling his head up to my mouth for a searing kiss and grinding my hips up into his. Things are going really well when he sinks his nose into the crook of my neck before nipping at my earlobe, but then he stiffens and pulls back a little looking at me questioningly.

"Who have you been with tonight, Bella?" His voice is soft and rough… a cross between hurt and anger.

"Let's not talk about that. Let's just have a good time," I say as I try to lean in for a kiss, but he stops me.

"No. Who?" He demands, his emerald eyes blazing.

"Riley O'Leary. But he has nothing to do with us. With this." I gesture in between him and me then reach out to touch his cheek, but before I make contact, he sighs deeply and rolls off my now aching body onto his back beside me. I try to look at him, but he is averting his eyes and pinching his nose between his thumb and pointer finger. He does that when he is really frustrated. Shit.

"Hey. You know it's just what I do. Nothing serious happened. You know you're the only one I let touch me this way." I grab his hand and pull it to the crotch of my jeans that is heated from my want for him.

"But am I the only one you touch in the same way? How far did it go this time, Bella? Hand job? Blow job? Dry fuck? What?

"You knew what this was going into it. Don't get all possessive with me now. Let's just make the most of the time we have together. Come on, Edward. Please fuck me. I need to feel you inside me." I roll over on top of him and start kissing his chest. Nipping and sucking my way down his stomach to his boxers. By the time I reach his waistband, he is panting, hard, and ready. I sit back on his thighs and pull my shirt over my head, then lean back and unhook my bra, letting it slip slowly down my arms. He leans forward, undoes my jeans, and helps me take them off. I lean down to kiss him, but he grabs both my arms and flips us over so that he is now straddling my legs and I am pinned underneath him.

**Edward:**

She is drunk, really fucking drunk. I can smell it on her. But, even if I hadn't smelled it, I would know because this is what she does when she's been drinking. All summer long, she would go party in the woods, get drunk, and stumble to my house to get laid. At first, I loved it… knowing she left her friends and admirers to come to me. Not to mention the sex is incredible!

As the summer went on though, she would come in smelling like other men. She said she had to keep up appearances. I made the mistake of asking what that meant and she explained her little ruse. She hooks up with some guy from school, takes him into the woods and helps him blow his load with as little actual touching as possible, then leave him there to concoct whatever story he was going to tell his friends. She assured me that she wouldn't let anyone else fuck her while we were 'together.' In her mind, it is not a big deal because she isn't _actually_ fucking anyone and we aren't _technically_ in a relationship.

Now it just plain pisses me off. I don't want to be anyone's sloppy seconds. I want her to want ME not a hook up with some random guy. It's like she has no sense of self-worth. It is sick. She is more interested in her bad girl reputation than taking care of herself. Every time I vow not to give in to her, but then she kisses me and grinds her hips against me and I am lost. I am not proud, I am a man possessed.

However, it is starting to wear on me. I figured once we had been together for a couple of months, she would see that I am better for her than all her twisted little groupies and her status, but so far, that has not happened. Every time I hear there is a party, I wait with anticipation and dread for her to come. Why can't she just realize that we are meant to be together already?

Tonight I smell another guy on her even through the booze and I snap. "Who have you been with tonight, Bella?" I growl, trying hard to push away the hurt and show only the anger.

"Let's not talk about that. Let's just have a good time" she replies trying to kiss me.

"No. Who?" For some sick reason I need to know who she has been with tonight. I know, I know. I am a glutton for punishment.

"Riley O'Leary. But he has nothing to do with us. With this."

The hell he doesn't! A voice inside of me screams. I roll off her body forcefully and pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration.

"Hey. You know it's just what I do. Nothing serious happened. You know you're the only one I let touch me this way." She brings my hand to rest on her jean-clad sex. I feel her wonderful heat even through the thick material. My body really wants to just let it go and fuck her, but my head and heart can't.

"But am I the only one you touch in the same way? How far did it go this time, Bella? Hand job? Blow job? Dry fuck? What?" I don't really want her to tell me, it might make me sick to hear it, but part of me needs to know… like I said, glutton for punishment.

"You knew what this was going into it. Don't get all possessive with me now. Let's just make the most of the time we have together. Come on, Edward. Please fuck me. I need to feel you inside me." She climbs on top of me and begins kissing down my torso. She pulls her top off and then her bra. Once I see her glorious breasts, my need for her overrides any sense of pride I have. I growl. I'll show you possessive.

I roll us over so that I am on top of her legs and I hold both her wrists in one hand above her head. I have never been this bold with her. She is always in charge, but tonight, I need this. I need to show her she is mine… at least while she is here with me.

I lean down and whisper in her ear: "My parents went to Port Angeles tonight for dinner and decided to make a night of it. They won't be home until morning. My brother and sister are at that fucktard's party and won't be home until real late, we have the house to ourselves and I want to hear. You. Scream." I punctuate each of my last words by licking her luscious lips. "Mmm, Isabella"

"Oh, God. Edward. Please. Yes. Please." She almost moans.

She tries to move her hands to touch my face, but I won't have that. "If you want to feel me fuck that tight, sweet, pussy of yours tonight, I'm in charge." I smile and kiss her hard and she whimpers into my mouth.

"I'm going to let go of your hands, but you are not going to move them, right?" She shakes her head no, as I kiss and suck my way down her body. I make quick work of her jeans and panties and greedily plunge two fingers into her heat while I suck on her bundle of nerves. Her hands automatically come down to tangle in my hair, so I stop.

"Ah-ah-ah." I scold and push her arms back over her head. "I guess I'll just have to hold those wandering hands. They seem to have a mind of their own." I briefly let go of her to grab a condom and roll it down my length. I use our combined hands as leverage so I can use my other hand to line up with her entrance. "Ready?" I whisper.

"Oh, please, yes. Yes, so ready" she whispers back, so I push into her fast and hard. She is so fucking wet! She feels so fucking good I have to stop to collect myself before I start moving. Every time we do this it feels like coming home -like I belong with her. I place my free hand on one side of her head and let my forehead rest on hers.

"Ffffuuuuccckkk!" I hiss the same time she groans "Yesssss!" I've never been this way with her and I like it. I have always let her take control because I was too afraid she would stop seeing me, but I am too angry tonight to care, and it seems to be working out in my favor.

She starts to whimper quietly as I thrust inside her, but I want to hear her… really hear her. "I said no one's home tonight. I want to hear you. Let it go, baby." Her eyes shoot open to look into mine. I know she doesn't like to be called baby, but I couldn't help provoking her. She doesn't disappoint. She lifts her head and bites my neck, hard enough to leave a mark.

"Oh my God! Harder, fuck me harder, baby!" She screams. I falter a little when she calls me baby, but I quickly recover when she moans my name "Edward."

I let go of her arms so I can change positions and deepen my thrusts. I lean back on my haunches taking her with me. I am now pounding her so hard her little body jolts with every thrust and she is screaming and speaking gibberish, not really finishing any of the words she starts. When I feel her begin to tighten around me, I lean down and whisper: "When you come, Isabella, I want you to scream my name so loud that you are horse. I want you to make my ears bleed. Let me hear you."

With that, she stiffens and screams my name louder than I thought possible as she rakes her nails down my back. I want to come so badly, but I am not quite done with her yet, so I hold back. Once she starts to come down, I pull out of her and flip her over so her ass is in the air and her arms splayed out in front of her holding her up. I want to possess her, make her mine. I nudge her legs open a little with my knee and run my still rock-hard cock up and down her soaked lower lips. She starts to moan and pant.

"Oh, Fuck, Edward, what are you doing to me? I want to feel more of you. I can't get enough of you." I'm glad her face is lying on the pillow away from me right now because the satisfied smirk on my face would definitely get me in trouble.

"You want more, Bella? You want me to make you come again? What do you say?" I think I hear her mumble 'please', but I want to be sure and since I am already going to hell, I may as well do it thoroughly. "Say it like you mean it. I want to hear you say it. Out loud" I start rubbing her oversensitive clit with my fingers while my dick is poised at her entrance.

"Please, Edward. Please, fuck me from behind. I need to feel you inside me again. I want you to make me come again. Please." Hm… I didn't know how that would go, but apparently she is playing along tonight

"Ok, baby. As you wish." I slam into her wet sex so forcefully her knees lift slightly off the bed. I pull her hips back to me with each thrust, digging my fingers into her soft flesh. I can't get enough of her.

"OH MY GOD! Fuck. Jesus. Fuck. Thank you. Thank you." I can hear her murmuring nonsense into the pillow. I am so close I know I can't hold off much longer.

"Are you gonna come for me? Are you going to come again, Isabella?"

"Yes. Almost there, Yes." She responds. So I move a hand down to her clit and start to circle quickly. She screams in pleasure and I feel her begin to tighten again. I move my thumb down to where we are joined and gather her juices then run it experimentally along her back opening. She stiffens slightly, but only momentarily. She doesn't stop and doesn't complain, so I begin to slide my thumb in and I hear her moan. She fucking moaned! Yes! She is mewling and pushing back at me with every ounce of strength she possesses and I am moving inside of her pussy and her ass while still working her clit. Finally, I can't take it anymore.

"Bella, I need you to come, I can't hold back anymore, please, please come." With those words her body clamps down around mine

"Edward! Shitfuckdamn… ohmymotherfuckingcocksucking… goddamn!" She pounds her hands on the bed as she lets her string of profanities out and I come harder than I ever have before. It has never felt this good. I don't know if it is the position, the fact she let me play with her ass, or the fact that I took charge, but I definitely want to feel that again. It was beyond words.

She is breathing heavily "That was a-fucking-mazing!" She exclaims as I pull out from her and lean forward to rest on her back. I lightly kiss her shoulder blades before moving over to my side, taking her with me so her back is against my chest. "Just… wow!" She says.

I am beaming. I know I am in love with this girl. I have been trying to push that thought away because I know she may never feel the same, but the fact that she trusted me enough to do something so intimate with her gives me hope, and I can no longer deny it. She even let me call her baby without taking my head off and she called me baby in return… I know it was while we were fucking, but hell, I'll take it!

She is still smiling as she turns over to look at me. She reaches up and kisses me passionately, moving one hand to twist my hair between her fingertips. "Where did you learn that little trick?" she asks as she pulls her lips away from mine, I am disappointed at the loss.

"Um… I heard my brother and Jasper talking about it a few weeks ago. I didn't know whether you would like it, but I figured that since we were already pushing our boundaries tonight, I'd try it. It looks like it was a success." I smile. She is still playing with the ends of my hair and giving me little kisses all over my face, neck, and chest. It feels nice. She is usually not so affectionate after. I use the momentary closeness to run my hands along her magnificent body. Her skin is always silky smooth, like satin. I love the feel of her under my fingertips.

She smiles in return. "Yes, a success. I was not sure at first, but then I just gave myself over to the feeling and let go, so I'll say it again… wow." Her smile fades slightly before saying, "What was all that 'I need to be in charge' crap about? You were very demanding. That is not how this works, Edward." She gives me a stern look, but does not remove her hands from my hair.

I sigh. I knew it was too good to last. "When you came in smelling like someone else, I just needed to know that when you are here with me, you are here with me, mine. I needed to know that you want me as much as much as I want you. I guess I was kind of … staking my claim on you?" I raise my eyebrows in question and look at her skeptically. I don't know how she will take this admission. It could go very badly for me.

She sits up so she can look me directly in my eyes and places her hands on either side of my face. "Edward, when I'm here with you, _I am here with you_… You don't ever need to worry about that. I know I sometimes come off as a controlling bitch, but I want you to get what you need from this too. I could sense that you needed this tonight… besides you were incredibly hot… it was incredibly hot! I don't want you to feel like I don't want to be here. I do. I want you. You always make me feel incredible."

Well, this is sort of a victory I guess. She didn't lose her shit on me, but she also didn't comment on her earlier activities, so I take a deep breath and try again. "Bella, I hate that you feel you have to be someone who you aren't. I hate that you let people use your body to get something." I am expecting her to blow up at me and storm out like she has in the past, but she just sighs.

"They aren't using my body, they are just telling people they are. There is a difference." She says quietly, looking down at my chest and playing with the light dusting of hair there.

"Is there really a difference? Even if you don't fuck them, you still get them off. You don't show yourself the respect you deserve. You are an incredibly smart, beautiful woman who deserves so much more from life than a bad reputation and fake friends."  
>" No, Edward. I don't. This is all I am good for. I was nobody before and I can't go back to being the butt of everyone's jokes. Just clumsy, plain Bella who is afraid of her own shadow. I can't. And if that means I have to have to give a few guys a hand job and surround myself with mindless idiots, then that is just what I have to do." She says it, but without conviction.<p>

My skin crawls when she says 'hand jobs,' but I choose to ignore that for now. "You were someone before… you were someone to me… to Angela and Alice… to your dad and even that idiot Jake. You still are. You just have to open your eyes. You don't see yourself very clearly you know."

"Let's not do this again. Not right now, OK? I have to go soon and I just want to bask in the afterglow for awhile… alright?" I could see the unshed tears in her eyes, so I decide to let it drop. It feels like what I am saying is starting to affect her and I don't want to push her too far too soon and scare off.

I am so tired, but I know she will be leaving soon and I just want to keep her close for as long as possible, so I fight to keep my eyes open and just feel her, but I inevitably, I start to drift off. Right before I fall into a deep sleep, I kiss her head and mutter, "Just let me love you, Bella. Just let me love you." Then I lose the battle and fall into a dream of the dark haired, fucked-up girl that would be sneaking out of my house any minute now.

"Edward…" Someone is calling my name, but I don't want to get up yet.

"Edward" The voice is louder now. "EDWARD!" I groan as I recognize the voice of my sister. The light is streaming into my room, so I roll over and put a pillow over my head. "Go away, Alice. I'm sleeping." I am struck by the sense that I am not alone in my bed. I look over to find Bella, naked and sleeping soundly. She is curled up on her side facing me with a smile on her serene face. The biggest smile I have ever had graces my face as I reach out to touch her. Then I realize: the light is streaming into my room… sunlight, fuck. It is morning. I bolt upright.

"Alice, what time is it?"

"That is why I'm trying to wake you, dumbass. Its 7:30am. Mom and Dad will be home in a couple of hours so you need to get her out of here. Also, I covered your (motioning her head toward both Bella and me) asses with everyone last night. We were at Newton's party and Bella disappeared with Riley, but then he came back alone. He said she was going home, but when everyone started to leave around 2am, her truck was still there. People began questioning. I figured that she had made her way here, so I told everyone that her friend Jake from the Rez and I found her passed-out-drunk in the woods and he brought her back to his house. Everyone laughed, but believed it. Luckily, her truck was parked off to the side and not visible from the road. You are going to have to tell her to let Jake in on our little cover-up in case people ask. Also, she should probably get over to Jessica's soon, because that is where she was supposed to spend the night." She barely took a breath between sentences; I briefly wonder how she does that. She looks smug, taking in the sight before her with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Thanks, Alice. I owe you one. Now leave. I don't want to have to explain you to her… wait a minute you know…" unfortunately, Bella chooses that moment to wake up. "Shit."

"Where…. What…" she mutters sitting up and looking around. Then her eyes focus on me. I swear I see her smile before a panicked look comes across her face. "Oh, fuck. What time is it? I fucking fell asleep! Shit!" and then she sees Alice smiling over at her. She looks terrified and Alice just smirks.

"Hi, Bella." She says with a little wave.

"Um… hi?"

"Alice!" I scream. "Get the fuck out of my room!"

"Ok, don't get your panties in a twist brother of mine, I'm going." Then she turns back to Bella "It is really good to see you again, Bella. I'm glad you are with my brother. I always thought you two were perfect for each other… remember I was a witness at your wedding when we were five. But don't worry, I won't out you until you are ready to come clean yourself…" Then she stands up to her full height, leans toward Bella and says "… as long as you don't break my brother's heart." Alice continues to stare her down for a few moments, then smiles and skips out of my room.

Bella turns to me clutching the sheet to her naked frame. "So, Alice knows? I caught her looking at me earlier this week and wondered, but I chose to ignore it. You know this can't get out, Edward."

"Alice won't tell anyone. I'm her twin. We share a special bond and she knows I will fucking kill her if she says anything. We can trust her. Besides she saved your ass last night." Her eyebrows quirk up in question so I explain what Alice did at the party.

"Thank God… but now I have to figure out what to tell Jake. Fuck. At least it won't get back to Charlie or out to anyone else. I can't believe I fucking fell asleep. You must have really worn me out, huh?" At that, she smiles. I'm glad she isn't too upset. I have to say I would love to wake up to her in my bed a lot more often.

"I guess so." I lean over and kiss her neck. "It's early, we could…" I kiss the sensitive spot right behind her ear "wear you out again." I finally make it to her lips. She eagerly responds and drops the sheet, exposing herself to me. But when she moves forward, I see her wince. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you? Are you OK?" I am concerned.

"No, we just really went at it hard last night and my body is a little soar. I'm OK." She goes to kiss me again, but I pull away.

"Well I have just the thing for that." I get up and pull her with me into the bathroom "I'll start you a nice, hot bath. That will help." I smile at her, while she stands there looking stunned.

"You don't have to do that, Edward. I'll be fine," she says barely above a whisper  
>"I know I don't <em>have<em> to do it, I _want_ to do it… let me take care of you this morning, Bella. Please?" I pleaded with my eyes.

"OK, but then I have to go. I'll have to go straight to Jake's and come up with some kind of explanation." I let the hot water run a little before putting in some bubble bath… Bella giggles and I roll my eyes.

"Yeah I have bubble bath, fucking sue me. When I am stressed out, I like a long hot bath. This is under the 'no one can ever know' category though." She just rolls her own eyes and steps into the steamy water. However, as she is about to sit, I notice marks on her hips. I had left finger marks all over her hips.

"Bella, I am so sorry." I say, "I didn't mean to hurt you.' I kneel on the side of the tub and kiss each black and blue mark before helping her sit down. Bella looks at me with an expression I have never seen on her. "What?"

"Nothing… um, thanks… for everything." She ducks her head as a crimson blush graces her face and creeps down to her chest.

"OK. I'll let you relax in here. Call me if you need anything." I lean over and kiss her forehead before walking out and closing the door behind me. I start whistling a random tune as I put on some boxers and prop myself up in my bed to stare at the bathroom door.

Bella had actually spent the night. I had spent the entire night with the girl that I love. I am on top of the fucking world right now. Maybe this can work. Maybe she will let me in. Maybe she will let me love her the way she should be loved. Things are looking up!

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><p><strong>As always, I would love to hear what you thought! Thanks for reading!<strong>


	8. Chapter 8: Revelations and Determination

**Disclaimer: ****I truly love Stephenie Meyer for creating these characters that I am having a bit of fun with… I'm not making any money on them, just using them as a creative outlet for my twisted mind!**

**Over 18 eyes only, please!**

**A/N: ****All of those who read this make me very happy. When I see that people are actually enjoying my little story, it makes it worth making time to writ it. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, you all make my day!**

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><p><strong>Self Esteem Ch 8: Revelations and Determination<strong>

**Bella:**

I watch him walk out of the bathroom and shut the door. I pull my knees up to my chest and rest my forehead on the tops of my knees. I cannot wipe the goofy smile off my face no matter how hard I try. Last night was incredible. He has always let me take charge of our encounters, I am sure it's his fear that I will take off and not come back that has kept him so docile… I can always see it in his eyes, and I admit, I have used it to my advantage on more than one occasion. But, last night, instead of fear I saw anger, jealousy when he smelled Riley on me. I always figured that once he stopped being so complacent with my ministrations I would find him less appealing and be able to walk away, but that is so not what happened.

The fervor of his assault on my body, rough, but gentle enough not to really hurt me, made me to feel completely desirable and wanted, very sexy. I was filled with more passion than I thought possible. My body was on fire. We have always had this strange electricity, this pull between us, but last night it felt like he burned me in the most delicious way with each touch. I felt a jolt everywhere his skin touched mine. I have never wanted anything more than I wanted him last night. Feeling his strong hands on my body- and hearing his dirty mouth- was almost enough to do me in… almost.

When he said we were alone and that he wanted to hear me, it was very liberating. I even kinda liked it when he called me baby. We always have to be so quiet, so careful. It was incredibly sexy to know he wanted to hear me. Something about that knowledge heightened everything just that much more. It helped me reach my first incredible orgasm of the night. And OH MY GOD! When he took me from behind while I was still so sensitive and coming down from my first high, I was like a wild woman. He was so deep, the angle allowed him to touch spots inside me that he never has before. Every time he thrust into me I felt it throughout my entire body. When he added a finger to my back entrance, I was momentarily anxious and the thought of stopping him flashed through my mind, but then I decided to keep my mind out of it and just feel and it felt so fucking good.

I had the most intense orgasm I have ever had. I don't know if it was his attitude, the way he talked to me, the way he touched me, the knowledge that we could be as loud as we wanted, or a combination of all of those, but I don't really care what it was, I just want to make sure it happens again. We have always been a good match physically, but DAMN! Last night was something else… that thought finally wiped the smile of my face. Yeah, last night was something else…

When we were finished and coming down, he laid his chest against my back. The weight of him was wonderful. He placed butterfly kisses on my back between my shoulder blades and up my neck. I feel myself shiver from that feeling even now. It was so… so… _loving_. He pulled me into his chest after and his arms around me felt so good. As we began to talk about why he reacted the way he did, I realized just how insecure he really was about me. I know I haven't given him a lot of signs outside this room that I want him, but I keep coming back to him. I sneak out of my house and leave friends' parties just to see him… well fuck him, but isn't that the same thing, really? Or even better?

I reassured him that he is the only one I want this way, but then he started in on the whole 'you deserve better… you're a better person than you give yourself credit for… blah, blah, blah' I hate it when he does that. I hate it! It makes me think about how cold and bitchy I am to people, and how my friends are really just harpies riding on my coat tails, and I feel ashamed of myself. Usually, I can shake it off, but after the intensity of our activities and all the alcohol, it really got to me, I could feel tears coming and I could not lose it in front of him, so I put an end to the conversation by talking about leaving. He looked at me cautiously and kissed the top of my head before pulling me even closer to his warm body. It felt nice, comfortable, like I belonged there.

Whenever that feeling starts to come over me, I know it's time to leave, but last night I just wanted to hold him a little longer. I was still clinging to him when I heard him murmur, "Just let me love you, Bella. Just let me love you." My heart jolted a little in my chest. Love? Really? I thought I should get up, run away and never come back, but my body automatically snuggled deeper into him, thinking, I'll just lay here a few more minutes…

The next thing I knew I heard someone calling Edward's name. "Where… what…?" and then I saw him in all his morning glory. I couldn't help but smile, but luckily, I quickly came to my senses and the panic started. "Oh, fuck. What time is it? I fucking fell asleep! Shit!" I asked looking around the room for his clock. My eyes landed right on Alice, Edward's sister. Uh-Oh. Busted. Fuck! But she just smirked at me.

"Hi, Bella." She waved her fingers at me.

"Um… hi?" Not quite sure what to do with this situation.

Then Edward screamed "Alice! Get the fuck out of my room!"

She looked briefly back at him cautiously. "Ok, don't get your panties in a twist brother of mine, I'm going." But then she returned to meet my eyes "It is really good to see you again, Bella. I'm glad you are with my brother. I always thought you two were perfect for each other… remember I was a witness at your wedding when we were five. But don't worry, I won't out you until you are ready to come clean yourself… as long as you don't break my brother's heart." Alice gave me a steely glare and puffed herself up to look more intimidating in her tiny frame, while staring me down. I was frozen in her stare, but then she then smiled and skipped, yes actually skipped, out of the room. I momentarily remember how much fun Alice used to be.

Well, that explains the weird looks she has been giving me. "So, Alice knows? I caught her looking at me earlier this week and wondered, but I chose to ignore it. You know this can't get out, Edward." I start to panic that she will tell someone and then the whole thing will be ruined.

"Alice won't tell anyone. I'm her twin. We share a special bond and she knows I will fucking kill her if she says anything. We can trust her. Besides she saved your ass last night." I questioned him with my eyes and he quickly explained how Alice helped. Huh. If she really is trustworthy, it could be good to have someone else in on the secret. Helpful even.

"Thank God… but now I have to figure out what to tell Jake. Fuck. At least it won't get back to Charlie or out to anyone else. I can't believe I fucking fell asleep. You must have really worn me out, huh?" I was thinking aloud at that point, trying to figure out my next move.

"I guess so." Edward leans over and gently caressed my neck with his lips. "It's early, we could…" he said suggestively as he kissed the spot behind my ear that drives me crazy "wear you out again." And then he crashed his mouth to mine and I returned with equal passion dropping the sheet covering my naked body… as long as I'm still here, I might as well reap the benefits, right? But when I leaned in for more, I winced a little. I'm delightfully sore this morning for some reason.

Edward must have noticed because, he stopped and looked down at me "What's wrong? Did I hurt you? Are you OK?" His voice full of concern. He is so sweet.

"No, we just really went at it hard last night and my body is a little sore. I'm OK." I went in for another kiss, but he backs away. Damn it.

"Well I have just the thing for that." He says as he pulls me out of the warm comfortable bed in the direction of the bathroom. "I'll start you a nice, hot bath. That will help."

A bath? Instead of fucking me, he is drawing me a bath? What teen-age boy does that? Maybe he wants to do it in the tub. But when I glance at him, I only see concern and determination, not lust. He really is one of a kind, and I really do not deserve him. "You don't have to do that, Edward. I'll be fine," I manage to whisper.

"I know I don't have to do it, I want to do it… let me take care of you this morning, Bella. Please?" He looked at me like I would be doing _him_ a favor by taking a bath. So I relented. He ran the hot water and poured in some bubble bath. Wait, isn't this his private bathroom? I can't help but giggle a little at the thought of Edward in a bubble bath.

He rolled his eyes at me. "Yeah I have bubble bath, fucking sue me. When I am stressed out, I like a long hot bath." He looked at me with a serious face. "This is under the 'no one can ever know' category though." Like I would tell anyone, so I just returned the eye roll and got in.

All of a sudden, he looked at me with concern and knelt by the tub. "Bella, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." It was only then that I noticed the bruises in the shape of fingertips on my hips. From his position on the floor, he leaned in and kissed each mark reverently. I have never felt so cared for, so precious and … loved in my entire life. I looked at him and felt it. I loved him. I could no longer push the feelings away. The look on my face must have betrayed something because he said "What?"

"Nothing… um, thanks… for everything." I lowered my eyes down to the water in front of me. I just couldn't look him in the eyes. I knew I would be blushing from head to toe, and prayed he would just let it be

"OK. I'll let you relax in here. Call me if you need anything." He kissed my forehead before walking away and shutting the door.

I let out a deep breath that I have been holding too long. I can no longer deny it… I am in love with him. And if last night was any indication, he was in love with me too. This is not good, not fucking good at all. This was supposed to be just physical. A fling to scratch a mutual itch. Just fucking. Just fun. How did this happen?

Why am I even asking myself that question? If I am truly honest with myself I know how it happened… I have basically been in love with him my entire life, that's how. I just refused admit it to myself. That is why I did what I did the night of the beach party over the summer. That is why I keep coming back to him. That is why the thought of not being with him makes my chest ache. I guess the real question is, now what? What the fuck do I do about it now?

There is a knocking on the door "Bella, it's almost 8:30 and I don't know when my parents will be home or when your dad is expecting you."

"Thanks. I'll be out in a minute. I unplug the tub, step out and wrap myself in the big, fluffy towel Edward laid out for me. Mmmmm. It smells like him. I exit the bathroom to find him lying on the bed in nothing but some black boxer briefs, looking through a notebook. "Hey, thanks for that. You're right the bath helped my sore muscles." I give him a shy smile as I pull my clothes on quickly.

"I brought you some juice and a muffin. In case you're hungry." He smiles and nods toward the low table by the couch.

"Thanks. I am pretty hungry." I finish buttoning up my jeans and tuck into the breakfast he got for me. Again, so sweet, so thoughtful. Ugh, why can't he be a jackass like all the other boys in this town!

"I would say I'm sorry for falling asleep, allowing you to spend the entire night, but I'm not. I liked waking up with you in my bed." He isn't looking at me, but I can practically feel his smile from where I sit.

"Well, we can't make a habit of it, but I guess it was OK." I say determined to keep my own smile from breaking through. It is now 8:45 and I have to get over to Jake's and call Jess, so I know I have to leave. "I gotta go. Last night was incredible. But I have to go."

"Yeah, it was. OK. Let me just put on some clothes and I'll walk you to the clearing to get your car." He smiles as he sits up and reaches for a pair of jeans tossed haphazardly by the side of the bed.

"No. You don't have to do that. If I can get here in the dark, drunk, by myself I think I can get there now just fine without assistance."

"Bella, I am trying to be nice. To be a gentleman. I want to walk you, please let me walk you." He kind of pleads, looking so vulnerable.

I quickly weigh my options. Do I hurt him and tell him that I am worried someone would see us. It is not uncommon for people to crash in the woods after s big party. Or do I risk it and let him be my knight in shining armor. "I don't know, Edward, what if" He cuts me off

"Please, Bella. I'm not ready to let you go yet." It is just barely above a whisper and he is staring at his feet. "Please"

I sigh. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I have to, but I just cannot risk it. I need time to think about my revelations this morning, whether I am ready to risk my popularity and status and give in to my true feelings. So I walk over to him and pull his chin so he looks at me. "I just can't. Please understand, Edward. We can't" I almost give in from the look in eyes… almost, but he nods and sits back on the bed. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulls me closer, and puts his head on my stomach. I gently run my hands through his thick, luscious hair. We just stand there for a few minutes in comfortable silence before I lean down and kiss him on the top of the head, like he is so fond of doing to me. Right now it is the only way I can tell him that I care about him.

I back away as he watches with a conflicted look on his face. I open the balcony door and climb carefully down the tree. When I hit the bottom, I look up towards his room. Hoping to see one last glance of him, but he isn't there.

I trudge back through the woods toward my truck. My head is spinning. What the fuck am I going to do? Should I risk everything and just tell people about us? That would undoubtedly ruin me… but do I really care that much? I know I like not being picked on and laughed at. I like being able to do what I want without question… even if it is just to stay at home and study or hang with dad most nights.

But I hate having to be so fake to everyone, to be so mean and downright cruel sometimes. I hate hanging out with empty shells, idiots, and those who just want to get into my pants for popularity sake. Jessica isn't too bad, she could be a true friend, I think, if I would let her get to know the real me, but everyone else, I can barely stand.

I hate having to keep up my 'reputation' just to stay on top. I never liked making out with all those boys, but now it can make me physically ill to have to touch them or to let them touch me. There is only one person who I want like that… Edward. Just the thought of his name, even in the midst of an internal crisis, makes me smile. I guess that should be my answer.

When I finally reach my truck, I notice a sleeping couple in the back. I walk over to see Bree and Riley asleep wrapped in each other and that nasty blanket from last night. I shake my head and pound on the side of the truck. "Hey, wake up. Get the fuck out of my truck!"

They both startle awake and Bree shoots straight up. "Bella, we were just… um… making sure your truck was safe out here. We didn't want it to get stolen or anything, right Riley?" She looks at him pleadingly.

"Right. Well, you might as well know, Bella, Bree and I are back together. I realized what a mistake I made with you and that I only want Bree. I told her everything and she agreed to give me a second chance. Sorry, but I guess last night was a one time thing." He says looking at me with a straight face. Fucker.

"Oh, well are you sure you told her _everything_?" I ask daring him to challenge me.

"Yeah, Bella, he told me everything. I wish it didn't have to take him fucking you in the woods for me to come to my senses and take him back, but at least he realized the same as me, that we really are good together, right babe?" Bree looks like she wants to rip my head off as she speaks and puts her arms around him possessively. "If you weren't one of my best friends, I don't think I could ever forgive you." She smiles tightly with a look that says she wants to rip my head off.

I internally shake my head. What morons. They deserve each other, but I decide to play my role. "I'm sorry, Bree. If I had any idea you still had feelings for him we never would have done anything, but I'm glad it worked out in the end." For the first time, I actually feel a tinge of… something. Guilt, maybe. Anger, maybe. Sadness, maybe. I'm not sure. But I ignore it. "Now can you please get out of my truck so I can go home?"

"Sure. We'll see you Monday." Riley answers as they scoot out of the truck-bed. His smile is smug and I want to punch him and break his perfect teeth, really badly.

Once they are clear, I hop in, opting to text Jess rather than call. I am too angry and I don't want to take it out on her… after all it's not her fault, its Riley's… and Bree's… and _mine._

**B- Spent the nite at Jake's if dad asks, tell him I was there, but got up early for breakfast with Jake.**

**J- Alice Cullen told us where you were last night. Man you really get around. No worries I've got ur back.**

**B-Get around? Thanks for covering.**

**J- Yeah, silly, first Riley then Jake in one night, I'm impressed. I wish my hooha was getting that much attention.**

**B-It's not like that with Jake. He's been my best friend since diapers. **

**J-OK, right. Like you would spend the night at that hunk of meat's house and not attack him? I don't think so. I know you, you slut! Luv ya.**

**B-lol. It really isn't like that, but whatever you need to believe. Ttyl.**

I am really fuming right now. I throw the phone across the seat where it lands with a thud against the passenger side door. I turn the key a little too roughly and head out to La Push. I suppose I could call him, but I really haven't seen much of him and I kinda miss him. Besides, it will be easier to ask him to cover for me if I can use my puppy dog eyes and pouty lips. It always works like a charm.

I pull up to the Black's little house hoping that Billy is either sound asleep or out. I knock three times, but get no answer, so I open the door and call out, but no one answers. I stumble across a note in the kitchen reminding Jake that he is fishing with Charlie and then going to the Clearwater's for lunch. That is pretty convenient actually, because Charlie will know that I wasn't here earlier this morning. He never used to question when I wanted to spend the night at Jake's, but recently he has been grilling me before and after. I think he is worried that we are becoming more than friends… if only, that would make things so much easier. I know how Jake feels and I don't want to hurt him, but it just isn't gonna happen.

I knock on Jake's bedroom door, knowing that if he is still asleep he will never hear me, he sleeps like the dead. When he doesn't answer, I open the door and peek in cautiously - hoping that he is clothed. He is curled up on his side, with his hands shoved under his pillow, looking so young.

"Hey, Jake. Wake up. I gotta talk to you." I say loudly. When he doesn't stir I move closer to the bed and shout "Jake. Wake up!" He moves a little, but still doesn't open his eyes. So I touch his shoulder, intending to shake him awake yelling "JACOB, WAKE THE FUCK…." But before I can say 'up' he grabs my hand from his shoulder and pulls me over him into his bed so I am facing him. He smiles from ear to ear.

"Hey. I thought I was dreaming you. I didn't think the real Bella would sneak into my bedroom.. " he says waggling his eyebrows. What a horndog.

"I need to talk to you and you were sound asleep, what else would I have done." I say ignoring his suggestive tone.

He purses his lips and closes his eyes. "Well if that's all you want to do, then I'm going back to sleep. See ya' in a couple of hours"

"Jake, come on. Don't be like that." I put my hand gently on his face, thinking he is really hurt, but then he smiles. "Oh, so we are playing a game are we? Well I think I can make you wake up." I quickly move my hand down to his side and tickle him. Sometimes it pays to know someone since infancy.

He starts to laugh, definitely awake now, but before I can remove my hand, he rolls his massive body over and straddles me, pinning both my arms to my sides and attacks my ribcage, where he knows I'm extremely ticklish. He has me laughing so hard I can't breathe. "OK. OK. I give. You win." I huff out between bouts of laughter. He stops, but doesn't move off me.

He gives me this weird, determined look. Uh-Oh. He leans closer to me never leaving my eyes, so I say "Jake, stop. Let me up." Trying to pull my arms from his vice-like grip. When he realizes I'm struggling, he sits back on the bed, releasing me with a gush of breath.

"OK, Bells, what is so fucking important?" He bites out obviously frustrated.

"Um, were you at the party in the woods last night?"

"Yeah, me, Quil and Embry crashed. It was off the hook. Why?"

"Oh, did you, um… talk to Alice? Alice Cullen?" I squeak out.

"The little pixie with the short, black hair that never shuts up? Yeah. We talked for awhile… mostly about you come to think about it. Again, why?" Now he is curious.

"Well, I kind of left my car in the clearing and she told everyone you took me back to your place to sleep it off. Can you cover for me if anyone from my school asks? Please?" I rush out in one breath.  
>He crosses his arms and leans back against the wall. "Charlie knows you weren't here this morning. He picked dad up early as fuck to go fishing. He'll know I'm lying."<p>

"I don't want you to tell Charlie that. He should never ask, but if he does, I was at Jessica's, OK?"

"Is that where you really were?" He presses.

"Ummm… Yeah. Course I was." I say while picking invisible lint off my shirt.

"No you weren't. Where were you, Bells?" His voice is low and dangerous.

I am really not in the mood to get into this today. I know it probably won't work, but I try to argue my way out of it anyway. "It's not really any of your business, now is it? Just drop it." But as I look at him, I see his determination. "Please. Jake" I plead.

"No, Bells. If you want me to lie for you, I deserve a straight answer. Where. Were. You?"

I have to think fast. I can't tell him the truth, it will hurt both of us. But I don't know what else to say, so I opt for a half-truth. "I was with a guy from school." I refuse to meet his eyes.

His usually perfect russet skin is now purple and he shakes with the strength of his anger. "God damn it, Bells! I know all about the fucking rumors, but I never believed them. I defend you every chance I get. The Bella I know isn't like that. She has more respect for herself than to open her legs for anyone who asks politely. And now you're telling me they are true?" He seethes through clenched teeth.

"I didn't say that." I try to defend myself. "Jake you know me better than just about anyone, you know that's not true, right?" My heart is beating hard in my chest. It doesn't matter to me that everyone else thinks I'm a slut, but Jacob's opinion matters… Jake matters.

"I didn't think so, but you just said you were off with some random guy. What am I supposed to think?"

Before I can stop myself, I blurt out the truth. "He's not some random guy. I've been seeing someone for a couple of months now, but no one knows… no one can know."

"A couple of months? Really?" I literally watch his anger turn into sadness. "Why can't people know. "

"My 'friends'" I say using air quotes "don't like him. They think he's a dork, and if they find out that I'm with him, I will lose all of them." I say quietly.

"Well considering you just used air quotes around the word 'friends' it doesn't sound to me like you should care what they think. What is going on, Bella? The boys are not the only thing I hear about you, you know. People also say you're a real bitch and people are scared… of you…" he kind of laughs at that idea "I just don't understand."

So I take a deep breath and tell him all about Bella the bitch. How it started, how I got on top and how I stay there. He watches silently, until I finish. I feel so sleazy and ashamed of myself. I can't help the tears that stream down my face.

He scrubs a large hand over his face and looks at me seemingly conflicted. Finally, he says, "I love you, Bells. You know that. But what exactly did you expect would happen? You're telling me that you spent the last 3 years letting everyone think you fucked anyone with a dick without correcting them. For what? Popularity? That's not you, Bells, that's just not you. I never thought you'd care about any of that shit. Why?"

"At first, I was just flying under the radar. I didn't want to go back to being a sad little nobody, so I followed along like a faithful puppy. Then, when everyone fell over themselves to give me what I wanted and complimented me… ME… on my clothes and hair, and everyone wanted to be around me, I liked how it made me feel. I admit it. For a while, it was actually… fun… to put people down; to make someone else's life miserable. It made me feel powerful, better about myself. And that's when I lost myself. It just became easier to hide behind this other persona. She is courageous and popular and no one messes with her. Every girl wants to be her and every guy wants to be _with_ her. I rode high on that power trip, but, lately, that has changed." Yeah, ever since I started up with Edward Cullen. "I don't want to be mean and put people down anymore. I don't want everyone to think I'm a fucking doorknob and wonder who will get the next turn. I am tired of fake friends and fake feelings. I want something real, genuine." By now, the tears are fully flowing down my cheeks, and I am holding myself across my middle, trying hard to not break apart.

"You know none of that is real, right? People may be nice to your face, but that isn't what they really feel. People don't _like_ you, they just want to be in your good graces, to gain popularity themselves, or to keep you from ruining them. You said it yourself, it's all fake." He keeps trying to look me in the eyes, but I avoid him.

"I know. I've always known, but I was power hungry… apparently power does corrupt."

"You've become the very thing you always told me you hated."

"I already said I know. But I have no idea how to fix it."

"Well, you can't go back, and people are always more willing to believe lies than truth, especially after so long, but you could try coming clean and letting go of this Bella the Bitch."

"I don't know if I can do that. Things will get so much worse. _EVERYONE_ will hate me. The people I hang out with now will turn on me like rabid dogs and go out of their way to make my life hell…"

"Like you did to so many others?" He interrupted.

"Yeah. Only worse, because I will have no one. I ostracized anyone who used to care about me. They could never forgive me." I don't know if I can ever forgive me.

"Bells, you'll always have me… and I'm not going anywhere. You couldn't get rid of me if you tried." He says as he grabs me in a signature Jacob Black bear-hug.

"You always make me feel better, you know that? Thanks, Jake."

"Bells, are you… serious… with that… guy you're seeing. Have you told him everything?" I really do not want to do this right now.

"Yeah, he knows everything and I'm not sure what this is between us. Right now it can't go anywhere because of my, um, situation and if everything gets out in the open, he may not want to be seen with me. I wouldn't blame him."

"Oh. Maybe you should stop seeing him then… just while you are trying to work this out. Then see how he feels after." He sounded hopeful at the thought.

"Maybe. I'm gonna head home. I have some thinking to do. Bye, Jake."

"Bye, Bells. Call if you need me." He said placing a kiss on the top of my head… what is it with that? Both he and Edward do it all the time.

I dash through the rain that started while I was inside and into to my truck. I try to pay attention to the road while driving home, but my thoughts keep assaulting me. Should I start telling the truth? Should I tell everyone that those boys were liars? Would anyone believe me if I did? What do I do about Edward? How do I handle my feelings for him? I don't really deserve him. I should let him go. I don't want to let him go.

By the time I reach my house, I have a pounding headache and all I want to do is take some aspirin and a nap, so of course there is someone sitting on my porch. I don't think I can take one more emotional relvalation today. Why the fuck is Lauren standing on my porch?

"Hey, Lauren, what's up?" I question. I have never invited her over so her showing up is a big surprise.

She gives me a shark-like smile "Oh. I was at Jessica's when you texted her about spending the night with your friend… Jake is it? And I thought I'd come see you do the walk of shame myself." Her odd smile gives me the creeps.

"As I told Jessica, it's not like that with Jake. We are just friends. He was worried about me and took me home. I slept on his couch. But I know you don't really care about that. What do you want? I have a headache and want to lay down." I stare at her expectantly.

She just gives a little, high-pitched laugh. "Ok, Bella. I'll get right down to business. I watched you walk off into the woods last night and followed you for a while. You seemed to be moving rather quickly in a specific direction."

I cross my arms over my chest and pull up my eyebrows telling her silently to keep going while trying desperately not to show my fear at what she had just said. I have to know how much she knows before I react. "And…"

"And, I decided not to ruin my night over you, so I turned around and went back to the party." She shrugs and is still smiling smugly. I don't get it.

"Um… OK… Why are you telling me this?" I try to make my voice low and scary.

"Would you like to tell me where you were off to in such a hurry?"

"I wasn't in a hurry, I was just walking. I had to pee and I didn't want to go near the party."

"Yeah, that's kind of what I figured at first, but then you know what happened? When the party was winding down, I saw Emmet and Alice Cullen along with the Hales head in the same direction you had gone, so I asked them where they were headed. They said 'home.' Apparently, they live real close to that clearing, Bella. Did you know that?

FUCK ME! "No, I didn't know that. What exactly are you getting at?"

"I think you know. I don't have any proof yet, but I know you went to see Edward Cullen. I feel it in my gut. I. Will. Ruin. You." She barked out.

SHIT! "I don't know what you're talking about, Lauren. You are delusional. I don't talk to Edward Cullen. Hell, I barely speak to any of the Cullen's." I walk past her to unlock my door. "You better watch what you say. You know I could easily make your life hell for the next two years. You are lucky I let you hang around me. So don't piss me off." I slam the door behind me, and lean against it, but I hear her say: "Just wait you bitch. I'll get proof and then you're fucked."

FUCK! Now what? I leaned back on the door behind me. Just that little confrontation with Lauren had me shaking all over. Although by now I'm pretty much an expert at covering up my true feelings, she made me feel like I was that lost, wimp of a kid from 5th grade and I didn't like it. At all. I don't know how I would make it if I decided to give up being Bella the bitch. If I had to go through that, or worse, every day for the rest of high school, I don't think I would.

I steel myself and realize what I have to do to survive. I have to let Edward go… and do it cold turkey. I have to stop being such a fucking pussy and do what I need to do to stay on top, no matter what that means. It's only another 2 years until college… I can do this until then, right?

Knowing now what I have to do and having a plan of action. I feel much better. Things are looking up! _So why do I feel so miserable?_

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><p><strong>End Note: Please let me know what you think! Thank you for reading!<strong>


	9. Chapter 9: Ripped Inside

**Disclaimer: Thank you Steph for giving us these wonderful characters to play with, I know I don't own them, but I do love them! **

**Please remember this story is rated M for a reason, don't read if you are under age, please.**

**A/N: Couple of things: This chapter may piss some people off, just remember that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Also, there is a semi-attempted sexual assault (its really very minor), but I promise, no one gets hurt, but if you are especially sensitive, let me know and I'll send you a quick synopsis of the chapter. You should be OK to read it up until the party scene.**

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><p><strong>Self Esteem Ch. 9: Ripped Inside<strong>

Bella:

The rest of the weekend goes by quietly and quickly. I just stay in, clean the house, do my homework, and read a book. I am able to avoid contact with the outside world on Saturday with a text to Jess, stating I am hung over like a motherfucker, and no one really bothers me on Sunday's anyway. I am successfully able to push away my thoughts about the confrontations with Jake and Lauren and every little thing about Edward, by promising my psyche I'd deal with it 'tomorrow.' So Monday morning comes around and I start to get anxious and jumpy. I don't know what today will bring. Lauren has no proof, even if her theory is true, but you never know what she will say. I have a stress stomachache, so I forego breakfast in favor of a longer shower and grab a glass of juice before I head out.

I arrive at school right at the usual time, early enough to get a good spot for my old Chevy and share small talk with people, but not early enough to seem overly eager. I make my way to my locker half expecting to be accosted at the door, but thankfully there is no one around. I sigh as I realize, no matter how much I want to 'cold turkey' my thing with Edward; I will have to see him every day in Bio. I briefly wonder what it would take to switch lab partners, but my heart lurches at the thought. I should be able to deal with him for 50 minutes a day without wanting to throw him on the table and fuck his brains out… or profess my undying love for him. I shudder at the thought and place my head against the cool metal of my locker.

After grabbing my books, I stroll down the hallway, smiling and nodding when appropriate, but not stopping to talk to anyone. So far so good. Morning classes go pretty well, I start to think maybe everything will go well today… alas, famous last words.

I walk into the cafeteria, grab my lunch and sit down at my usual table where Lauren, Tori, and Bree are already huddled together. Uh-Oh.

"Hey, guys. What's up?" I ask tentatively

"Oh, nothing much, Bella. We're just talking about Mike's party." Lauren replies with a sly smile on her face.

"Yeah? It was pretty sic, but Mike's parties always are." I take a bite of my pizza keeping my wary eyes on the trio.

"Really? You didn't seem to see much of the party. First you go off with Riley" Bree winces, and Lauren's smile widens "Then you pass out in the woods and get rescued by your Quileute friend who takes you back to his place to _crash on his couch_. Right? Isn't that what you said?"

Just then, Jessica sits down on the chair next to me and adds "Yeah, _on his couch_, right Bella." She taps me in the arm with her elbow and winks in my direction.

"YES!" I say a little too loudly, "I spent the night at Jake's. On. His. Couch." I grit out through clenched teeth.

Tori looks at me thoughtfully and says "I thought I saw your friend talking to Alice Cullen a while after you disappeared… he is the gorgeous, 6'5, guy with his hair in a low ponytail, right? But… how is that possible if he took you home?" She was obviously prompted there is no way she would have noticed anything like that between the alcohol and her tongue down James's throat.

"I wouldn't know. I was passed out on his couch. Maybe he went back after dropping me off."

"Right. He looks at you like you hung the moon and the stars, like he would leave you alone in the middle of the night when he had you, at his place, drunk , all to himself" Lauren rolls her eyes. Then I notice the other three sets of eyes looking at me inquisitively. Shit!

I stick to my story. "Maybe Tori got her timing wrong, she was pretty smashed herself. Like I already said, I was passed out drunk. I don't know what happened. Besides, it's not like that with Jake and me. We're just really close friends." I try to shrug it off.

"Hmm. I saw you walk off into the woods; you said you were taking a piss, but then later I saw the Cullen's walking in the same direction you had gone. They said they were headed home. Did you know that their house is only a few minutes' walk through the woods from the clearing? How convenient for them." The look on her face is devious now.

"Nope, I didn't know that. I may talk to Alice and Emmett sometimes at school, but we don't really hang out."

"You know who else lives there? Edward, but you _already _know that, don't you?"

"Um. Of course I do, you fucking idiot! He is their brother. Dumbfuck." There is a split-second flash of embarrassment on Lauren's face, but she recovers quickly. I start to get nervous and agitated. The other three girls just watch our back and forth in silence, taking everything in.

"You know that's not what I meant." She says quietly in a low, threatening voice.

I decide to bite the bullet. I know she only has suspicions, nothing concrete, so maybe if I blow her theory out of the water now, she'll drop the whole thing before it gets out of hand. I sit up higher in my chair and lean over the table towards her, challenging her with my eyes. "What exactly are you trying to say?" Tori, Bree, and Jess flash from me to her with wide eyes waiting breathlessly for whatever comes next.

"I'm just making sure you were safe and sound and where you were supposed to be. You know it's my duty as a friend and all." She says sweetly.

"Well, I was fine, as you can see. No need to worry yourself." I sit back in my chair wanting nothing more to throw my tray at her face and storm off, but that would just give weight to what she implied. Instead, I turn to Jess with a smile and say, "Hey, how're things going with Mike? I saw you two together. You guys look so cute."

"I know, right!" Jessica smiles and nods agreeing with me and she's off. She is so easy. Get her talking and it gets hard to get a word in edgewise. I am grateful for the reprieve. Lauren keeps looking my way and smiling every few minutes, but I pretend not to notice.

After lunch is Biology. Usually, I can't wait to get there. It is the only time I get to see Edward during school, and even though we can't really talk about anything serious. I get to hear his voice and see his face. Today, however, I have to be extra careful. I know Jess isn't the brightest bulb, but she is likely to be watching me with him after what happened at lunch.

He is already there by the time I get to class and I have to squish behind him to get to my seat. God he smells so good. My hands want to reach out and touch him. Anywhere, everywhere. They just want to feel his skin, his lips, his hair. But I can't do that, so I force my hands to behave. From the corner of my eye, I see him nod in my direction with a small smirk. Shit, I'm busted… be more careful, Bella! I force myself to turn away and roll my eyes. I seek Jessica out of the corner of my eye and sure enough, she is looking pointedly at us. Shit. Luckily, Mr. Banner starts class. About five minutes in, he says we are watching a documentary on… something. Great! Just what I need. To sit right next to Edward, in the dark for the next hour. God, please tell me why you are fucking with me today?

The lights go off and the movie plays while everyone settles in. Some watch intently, some only half watch. Some sleep and some blatantly ignore the film in favor of Facebook on their phones. I try to watch. I really do, but that thing- - that pull between Edward and I is there and it's strong. I am surprised no one can see the electricity flowing between us in the darkened room. It feels like there should be a blue current blazing from him to me. All of a sudden, I feel his leg wrap around mine under the table. I stiffen, worried someone may see, but only momentarily, because even this little bit of contact calms me. Besides, no one is going to see that subtle movement under the lab table in a dark room. The current is now a steady stream moving from where his leg is wrapped around mine throughout my body. It is hard to stay in my seat and not climb into his lap and kiss him.

When the bell rings, he removes his leg and I immediately feel the loss. As we clean up our books he leans a little closer and whispers, "Well, that was interesting," before throwing his back pack over a shoulder and walking across the room. He felt it too. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Well, my resolve to end things with him certainly crumbled quickly. I shake my head. I'm an idiot. I know this, but I can't decide whether it's because I want him so badly, or because I am already pledging a new resolve to stay away from him. I guess only time will tell.

I follow Jess to gym class. Have I mentioned I hate gym class? At least we're almost done with volleyball. I can't wait to learn what new torture will be force upon us next. I break one nail and hit two people with the ball in the chest… all things considered, not too bad. After changing out of the wonderful uniforms, Jess and I meet Lauren, Tori, and Bree in the hall. Tori is walking backwards animatedly telling some story about Tyler Crowly getting detention for offering sexual services to Mrs. Cope in exchange for changing his grades, when we turn the corner and Boom! She runs right into Angela Webber, and they both crash to the floor.

Lauren says, "Hey fuck-head watch where you're going!" At first I think she is talking to Tori, after all, she was the one who turned the corner walking backwards, but by her line of sight, I see she is actually addressing Angela.

"I didn't… I mean, I was… I… I will from now on." Angela sputters out while gathering her books as quickly as possible. "Sorry, it won't happen again." She can't even meet any of our eyes. At this point, everyone is laughing at poor Angela's reaction.

"I, I, I, I'm s-s-sorrrr-y-y-y. Pathetic loser. You better be sorry. You don't even deserve to breathe the same air as us." Lauren spits out as everyone else starts to laugh. To my internal horror, my wretched cackle is right there with them. I know I'm the worst one of them because Angela and I used to be good friends. Angela is now just trying to get away, but Lauren sticks her foot out and trips her sending her sprawling to the floor of the hallway again.

As we are standing their laughing, I see a mop of bronze hair stalk down the hall, help Angela up off the floor, and pick up her books. Always the gentleman, I sigh. As they walk away, I hear his velvety voice say "Just ignore them, you know they are just insecure bitches."

Lauren turns to me with a look of triumph and says, "You aren't going to let him get away with that, are you?" I only have a split second to think. I can let it be, but that would call attention to Lauren's intimations from lunch or I could lay into him and hurt his feelings, maybe even cause the end of us… my heart beats faster and I feel dizzy with that thought, but isn't that what I've been saying I need to do?

With that thought in mind, I say, "Hey, fucker, who do you think you are to say that shit to us?" He stops dead in his tracks and turns around slowly with an indecipherable look on his face, but doesn't respond. It's almost enough to make me stop… almost "You heard me. You don't get to talk about us, you fucking freak. Just go back to skulking around the hallways and living in your own little world and mind your own business." He just stands there staring at me silently, Angela has walked away, presumably to get out of the line of fire, and the girls are laughing their asses off.

"Still not gonna answer? Well I guess that's fitting… at least now you remember your place. You know you aren't good enough to talk directly to me… or any of us. Next time you think about saying anything about us, me in particular, just remember this little moment." I look around pointedly at all the afterschool stragglers watching the show down. "I will always put you in your place. Don't ever forget." He is still staring with the same look in his eyes. Finally, he just nods, ever so slightly, turns, and walks away.

Watching him walk away from me like that is almost enough to make me go after him… almost. But, I push the horrendous feelings trying to break through and turn back to the girls with a smile and a shrug. At least I know there will be no more questioning me about my involvement

Wwth him. Then I walk to my car like the queen I am with my subjects following close behind.

I drive home in silence. No radio. No phone. Just me and my big-ass mouth trying hard not to break down. I rush inside knowing I'll have the house to myself because dad is on second shift this week. As soon as my back hits the door, I lose it. The tears pour down my cheeks and sobs wrack my body. I clutch my hands to my heart. I am such a fucking coward.

Fuck! What the hell did I do! I just humiliated the best person I know to save my reputation as a bitch. I am shit. I am lower than shit. I try to rationalize that he can move on now; I can stop living a double life and things can go back to normal. I mean it's not like we were ever really together, together. It's not like this should hurt him, he always said it was purely physical, right? But so did I and I know it was more than that for me. Why am I so weak? Why can't I just be true to myself and how I feel? I hurt in ways I never thought I could hurt, but I know I have no one else to blame, but myself, so I try to suck it up.

I decide the best way to push away my thoughts is to follow my usual routine. It's Monday, so that means homework, then grocery shopping. I sit at the kitchen table staring at my Calculus book trying to grasp the information, but all I can see is the look in Edward's eyes. After half an hour, I give up and decide to go grocery shopping. I make a quick stop in the bathroom to survey the damage of my earlier outburst. What I see sickens me… I look fine. I look like I did this morning and the day before that. Shouldn't I look different? Shouldn't there be some kind of evidence of my cold, heart on my face? But there is nothing, just me. I spit at my reflection and leave the bathroom without another glance.

15 minutes later, I have my cart and have started to walk the aisles. There is something cathartic about doing this mindless, necessary task. I am in the middle of deciding between Captain Crunch and Fruity Pebbles, when I hear a familiar, tinkling voice.

"Bella." Shit!

"Hey, Alice. What's up?" She looks at me with a disturbingly familiar stare. Why do they have to share the same green eyes?

"What's up? Really?"

My eyes are now glued to the floor as I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood. Good. I hear her walk close to me and when I look up she is standing right in front of me. "Can you please tell him I'm sorry for me?" I whisper. The next thing I know I feel the sting of her hand across my face. Her whole body is shaking and she is bright red with anger.

"You're sorry? Do you know what you've done to him? He already has enough problems without being trounced on by you. I was hoping you would come to your senses. I had hoped you two could help each other, but apparently, I am a poor judge of character. You really are a cold-hearted bitch. If you want him to know how _sorry_ you are, tell him yourself. But I'm telling you right now, if you ever, EVER, hurt him like that again, I will end you." For such a small thing, she can be extremely fierce. Her voice is low and menacing and I have no doubt that she means what she says. Good. I deserve it. But all I can do is mutter a weak apology to her.

She laughs incredulously, "I had every intention of bringing you down. I couldn't decide which of your lies to expose first or maybe I'd just call daddy the next time you're out partying… but you know what Edward said. He said 'don't, Alice, she can't handle it. I can.' Do you know what you just gave up? He is an incredible person and he deserves so much better than you." She shakes her head as she storms away forgetting her groceries in the process. All I can think is, yeah, I know.

He is sweet and caring, and wonderful. He makes me feel special. He is so smart. He can have an intelligent conversation on everything from politics to Ferris Bueller's Day Off. He is honest and loyal to those who deserve it. I on the other hand am a fucking idiot! I put both boxes of cereal in the basket and leave with whatever I already have. I know I have to get out of there before I lose it.

I barely make it to the truck before the tears come. I trace my fingers along the hot skin on my cheek from Alice's slap. The sting feels good. I should hurt. I don't remember the drive home or even putting the groceries away. I don't eat dinner or do my homework. I just crawl into bed in my clothes and pray for sleep to overtake me.

But when sleep comes, it is no reprieve. My dreams are filled with bright green eyes, bronze hair, and a smile that melts your soul. They are filled with empty nights and nothingness and of cackling laughter and dropped books. I wake up feeling like I haven't slept at all. Good. I shouldn't get to sleep peacefully.

The next day, I dread Biology. To everyone else, it would just be the same thing as every other day: two students tolerating each other for the sake of a grade, but I know it might break me. I don't know what to expect, so I walk in hesitantly. He, of course, is already there; however, instead of squeezing by him allowing me to touch his delicious body like usual, he gets up from his seat allowing me access without having to touch him. I hear some snickers from across the room. I bet his gesture of moving for me seems submissive, when in fact I know he just doesn't want me to touch him.

Apparently, we are not finished with the damn documentary, because the lights go down and the TV flickers to life. I still feel that pull and wonderful electricity, but instead of leaning into it today, he leans as far away from me as possible. When the bell rings, he grabs his stuff and walks out without even a sideways glance. My heart breaks a little further. Good. It should break.

The rest of the week goes much like that. To everyone else, nothing is different, but I feel like I am dying inside. All I want to do is hold him and tell him I'm sorry. Tell him that I'll change if he can just forgive me and give me another chance, but I know it's too late for that. How could he ever forgive me? He shouldn't forgive me. I can't even forgive myself.

Another Friday night comes and with it another party in the clearing. However, unlike usual, I am looking forward to it. I need to get drunk and dance and just let go. I decide to let Jess drive so I can do just that without concern for my car. I am 4 beers, 3 shots, and 2 hours of dancing in when I feel a body grinding against me. It doesn't even occur to me to look who it is until I feel hands grasp my hips and pull me even closer. I turn my head enough to see that it is James.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be grinding against your girlfriend? I don't think Tori would like you being so close to me." I smile and hook my thumb to the now fuming Tori across the way.

"Well, I don't have a girlfriend right now. We broke up a little while ago. So I am free to be _close _to whomever I want." I am drunk, but not drunk enough to realize that he is definitely hitting on me or that he used correct grammar… Edward uses correct grammar.

I push back a little into his body and run my fingers through my hair. He is pretty cute in a rugged kind of way, with longish, dirty blond hair, bright blue eyes and the body of a basketball player, tall and lean, but defined. I decide to flirt a little, "You and Tori always break up, but then you get back together, making the rest of us sad and lonely." I extend my bottom lip in an exaggerated pout.

"But for now, I'm a free agent, and I think it's time for you and me to get to know each other better." He whips me around and plants his lips on mine. They aren't the right lips, the ones I constantly crave, but I'm too drunk and miserable to care, so I kiss him back. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I know this isn't right, that he and Tori will be back together before morning, and I'll have one more thing to feel shitty about myself for, but I don't stop. I hope that maybe this will help heal the hurt in my heart.

When the song changes, he takes my hand and leads me to the keg to grab another beer. "To getting to know each other better" he smiles as we clink our plastic cups together. After a few more dances and several minutes of playing tonsil hockey in front of everyone, he pulls me off into the woods, not stopping until we hit a smaller clearing. He pushes me up against a tree, assaulting my mouth with his tongue and moving down my jaw line to my neck and further down to my chest. His hands are surrounding my head while his body pins me to the trunk of the ancient tree. The rough bark digs into my skin.

I begin to think; maybe this is what I need. Maybe I need to fuck him out of my system. Maybe it's time I start actually earning my reputation. I throw myself into the kiss. His hands come down to palm my breasts through my shirt. He is a little rough, but I don't really care. It's not until he lifts me up by my ass and grinds his hips into mine causing me to put my legs around his hips for support that I start to feel uncomfortable. I try to back off, but he has me totally pinned. I manage to put my feet solidly on the ground to give myself more leverage to push him away. He just ignores my futile attempts and leans down and bites my neck. Ouch! "Hey, not so rough OK. A little nibbling is one thing, but biting is a no, no." I smile trying to play it off, although now I'm getting a little nervous.

"Oh, come on. I know you like it rough. I've heard the stories." He slams my body back against the tree and grabs at my breasts painfully. I begin to panic. I can't do this. This isn't right.

I use all my strength to push him backwards a little and look up into his icy blue eyes. "I don't care what you've heard, I'm not into pain. I think we should head back now. We're done."

"We are nowhere near done." He sneers before pushing me back against the jagged bits of bark on the large tree. He starts trying to pull open the buttons on my shirt.

Trying to stay calm and appeal to his better side I say, "Hey, I said we're done. Besides, you know Tori is looking for you by now, probably wanting to 'make-up' with you. Go get her, tiger." His mouth seems to be now permanently attached to my collarbone, biting, sucking, and licking.

"She can fuck off. I'm tired of her shit. She always makes me work for it. Why bother when I know I can have you whenever I want, however I want." The look on his face is almost deadly now.

"No, James. This isn't happening tonight. We're both drunk (although I am quickly sobering up) and your long-term girlfriend is one of my best friends. You know once you sober up, you'd regret it. Let's just head back." I try.

He laughs loudly enough for it to echo throughout the little clearing, "You don't have friends, Bella, you have followers. You use people and they use you. That is what your purpose is. So shut up, and fulfill your purpose." He grabs at my shirt ripping the top three buttons off. I am momentarily stunned into submission, but I regain my thoughts as he reaches for the button on my jeans.

"Alright asshole, we're done. I'm going back to the party now before you do something you're gonna regret." He lets me push him off me and take a couple of steps away before I feel him grab my arm and swing me down on the ground. By now, I'm trembling all over. He is everywhere. He has his legs on either side of my thighs holding my arms down and sitting on my legs, so I can't even struggle very well. I buck and squirm as much as possible, and when he goes to kiss me, I bite his lip. He just smiles and wipes away the blood.

"See, I knew you liked it rough." He starts to pull his shirt out of his jeans and I start to cry.

"James, No! I said, No. Please, don't do this…" but my resolve is faltering. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe this is what I get for the past three years of my life. Everyone thinks I'm a whore, maybe this is all I am really good for. I start to shut down and just let it happen. I allow my thoughts to turn to Edward, his warmth, his kindness, his voice… then I hear it, his voice.

"Get the fuck off of her you pig! She said, NO!" I have never heard a more lovely sound, I think as James is shoved off my body. I crawl away and watch in horror at the scene in front of me.

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><p><strong>Endnote: RL, a nasty summer cold, and a bout of food poisoning kicked my ass the last couple of weeks. Sorry I posted so late. I hope that it won't be too long before chapter 10! <strong>

**OK, let me have it folks!**


	10. Chapter 10: Heartbreaker

**Disclaimer: SM owns Twilight & all its words & Please don't read if you're under 18**

**A/N: A little fluff, a little heartbreak, and a peek into Edward's mind, life and relationships… I hope you enjoy!**

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><p><strong>Self Esteem Ch. 10: Heartbreaker<strong>

Edward:

The rest of Saturday, I have a difficult time keeping the smile from my face. Bella spent the entire night in my bed and she didn't rush off the second she woke up either… she let me take care of her. I feel like things may be changing for the better. For the first time since this whole thing started, I actually allow myself to believe we can be together. I allow myself to really hope for a future. It feels good.

I spend the rest of the day puttering around and doing homework. That night I sleep like a baby, with happy dreams of chocolate eyes, mahogany hair, and warm touches. I spend Sunday practicing the piano and playing my guitar, but Sunday night is 'family night' sometimes it includes Jasper and Rose, but tonight it's just us, and it's my turn to pick what we do, which means Scrabble, pizza, and a sci-fi movie. I love Scrabble. I don't always win, but I do usually have the most unique words and I hold the record for the most points scored in a single game!

I enjoy the evening laughing and joking with my family, offering to help mom clean up after Blade Runner is over. I find myself humming a nameless tune while bringing the popcorn bowls into the kitchen.

"Hey, sweetie. You are awful happy today. Not that I'm complaining, but what's got you feeling so good?" Mom asks while rinsing the bowls and putting them in the dishwasher.

"Nothing, mom. Can't I just be happy?" I counter

"Of course you can, honey, but I know you. There is something up." She smiles knowingly.

"Yeah, there is." I beam "I kind of met a girl. I really like her- - like _really_ like her." I lower my eyes, not wanting to see her reaction.

"Oh, sweetie, that's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Have you asked her out yet?"

"Like, as in a date?"

"Yes, Edward. A date." She laughs

_No, mom, we don't go out, she sneaks into my room to have sex sometimes spends the night you know the usual…_ "Not really a date. I don't know if we are ready for that, yet, but I'm hoping soon."

"Well, I'm sure she would be delighted. You are such a catch!" She says as she ruffles my hair playfully.

"I can only hope so, mom. I hope so." I say as she walks out of the room.

The next day is just like every other school day, get up, get ready, grab breakfast – thank you mom!- go to school, hit the library until the bell rings, then walk through the halls careful to keep my head down and my body close to the walls. If I could blend in with the lockers so no one would notice me, I would be happy. When lunch comes, I take my usual table in the library and talk about Vonnegut with Mrs. Hill, the librarian until it's time for Bio. Biology has been the high point of my day ever since school started, but today I am downright ecstatic. I am the first one in the classroom, so I go over my notes while everyone starts to file in. When she enters the room, the air becomes thick. I desperately want to look at her, I want to hold her hand and put my arm around her shoulders, take her books and walk her to her seat, but I don't. I have to remember… baby steps. Things look good right now, but I don't want to blow it.

She has to push her body against mine to make it to her seat. Sure, I could move out of her way or she could lean against the next lab table, but this way is better. I get to feel her body against mine and sometimes even feel her breath on my neck. Today she lets out a slight sigh as she rubs up against me and I smirk in her direction. She rolls her eyes, pretending to be upset with me, but I know better… busted! Mr. Banner starts a movie a few minutes into the hour, this should be good, I have enough trouble keeping my hands to myself in a brightly lit classroom full of people, and I don't know what it will be like in the dark.

Wow! I always feel a connection, or a kind of pull toward her, but sitting this close to her in the dark, is absolutely electrifying. My body tingles from my head to my toes. I just can't take it I have to touch her. I slowly move my leg to hook around hers. Alarm flickers through her initially, but then she relaxes and we spend the next 45 minutes playing footsy under the lab table. Unfortunately, at the end of the hour, the bell rings, and she snaps her leg out from under mine, but I can't let it go quite yet, so I bend over as if I'm picking something up on the other side of the table and whisper "that was interesting." Her eyes bug out of her head and her cheeks turn a lovely pink. I walk away smiling. See, progress. I knew things were changing. A few weeks ago, she never would have let that happen. This is gonna happen. I just know it! I just need to take it slow.

My last class flies by, but I stop to ask Mr. Berty a question about a paper, so by the time I get to my locker, the halls are pretty cleared out. Just as I close my locker, I hear a commotion around the corner. I can hear Lauren Mallory… her screechy voice is difficult to miss, but I don't know who she is belittling now. I peek around the corner to see Angela trying desperately to pick up her books and get away before she starts to cry.

"I, I, I, I'm s-s-sorrrr-y-y-y. Pathetic loser. You better be sorry. You don't even deserve to breathe the same air as us." Lauren squeals.

At least it's over, I think, but just as Angela picks up her last book and takes a step, Lauren trips her and she falls face forward onto the tile floor. Everyone standing in the hallway is laughing, including Bella to my horror, but not my surprise. I can't just let Ang do this alone, so I grab my balls and walk over to help her. As we are walking away I lean in and whisper "Just ignore them, you know they are just insecure bitches." I don't really intend for anyone to hear me, but if Bella does, then it serves her right. She has to stop this shit!

From behind me I hear, "You aren't going to let him get away with that, are you?" Lauren, of course. I think to myself that this would be a great time for Bella to make a stand, to tell that bitch to back the fuck off and leave us alone. I try my best to psychically connect with her and tell her just that. I pray to whatever powers that be that she just lights into Lauren's ass.

Well, she takes a stand all right. I hear the voice that I love say, "Hey, fucker, who do you think you are to say that shit to us?" and I stop. I feel Angela slink away as I turn around slowly. I almost can't believe she is doing this… almost. She is going to have to look me in the eyes if she really going to do this. I stare at her, wiping all emotion from my face. "You heard me. You don't get to talk about us, you fucking freak. Just go back to skulking around the hallways and living in your own little world and mind your own business." Bella's face is bright red, usually I would say it's very sexy, but right now, it makes her look almost ugly… almost. The rest of her groupies are laughing like hyenas.

"Still not gonna answer? Well I guess that's fitting… at least now you remember your place. You know you aren't good enough to talk directly to me… or any of us. You're no one… nothing. Next time you think about saying anything about us, me in particular, just remember this little moment." She stops and scans the small crowd dramatically. "I will always put you in your place. Don't ever forget." I am not sure what to do. I want to hit her, to make her feel some of the pain that is radiating through my chest! I have never wanted to hit _anyone_ so much, let alone a girl… especially the girl I have basically been in love with most of my life. At the same time, I know she is going to hate herself for this and part of me wants to comfort her, but another part… the pissed off, hurting part, wants her to feel every ounce of that pain. I don't trust myself to speak, so I just give her a slight nod, turn around, and walk away leaving my heart, broken and bleeding on the bottom of her shoes.

I am so lost in thought, I don't even remember driving home or going up to my room. I couldn't even tell you if anyone is home or if I talked to anyone. I don't know how to feel. My emotions are in overdrive right now, providing a sense of calm, but I know something is coming. I just don't know if it will be anger or pain, or a mixture of both.

I can't believe I thought things were changing! Bella is right. I AM a loser. I have let her use me for months thinking that with time and patience I could release the girl she was, the one she could be. I saw glimpses of her, I know she is there, deep, deep, down, but maybe I'm not the one she needs to help her. Maybe I'm just not enough. I gave her my heart and she ripped it out. Ah, there's the emotion… self-pity, wonderful!

Or maybe she really doesn't want to change. She never actually told me she would be willing to change. She always told me it was just physical, but I just couldn't believe it. We have more than just physical chemistry, damn it! I know on some level it had to mean more to her. I saw it… especially this weekend.

Or maybe I'm just fooling myself. Maybe I just saw what I wanted to see. Well, my eyes are open now. I deserve more than this! I am not just a piece of meat that she can fuck whenever she wants and disregard when she feels like it. She can't fucking treat me like this! I won't let her do it anymore. "I. Am. Fucking. Done!" I scream aloud to my empty room as I yank almost painfully on my hair. I look around me, every CD, book, and record (yes I collect vinyl), perfectly alphabetized and shelved. I can't stand the clean, neat, and pristine appearance of my surroundings. My world is falling down around me. My thoughts and emotions are in chaos and I can't talk to _anyone_ about it. Suddenly, I feel the need to be surrounded by chaos on the outside as well as inside. Anger… so much better than self-pity.

Not caring how much noise I might make, I pull books off my shelves, sweep everything off my desk, throw CDs at the walls and toss my clothes to the floor. By the time I'm finished, I am out of breath and sweaty and I briefly think _I have a lot of work to do before the next time Bella comes over…_ and then I break. I slide down the closet wall holding my head in my hands and let the tears come.

I hear a tentative knock on my bedroom door and the voice of my mother, "Edward. What's going on in there? Are you OK?" She must have tried to push the door open, but something is blocking the way. She sighs through the crack and says, "If you don't answer me, I'm coming in even if I have to break the door! Honey, I just need to know you are all right in there. We don't have to talk about it right now."

"Yeah, I'm OK. Thanks for the concern, mom… and for understanding that I don't want to talk. Don't worry, I'll clean the mess up. I promise." My voice is so gravely, I almost don't recognize it.

"I know you will, sweetie. Just know that your dad and I are here when you're ready. I love you." Subtly saying she will let it be now, but she expects to talk about it at some point. She closes the door softly.

I awoke some time later, still on my closet floor surrounded by my clothes. I feel someone sitting next to me, rubbing my hair… Bella? I think in my groggy state and then I remember, and my heart breaks all over again. I open my eyes to see my sister clinging to me with big, fat tears running down her pale cheeks. "You know what happened already?" I ask. She nods and sniffles, using the back of her hands to wipe her face. "Well that didn't take too long. I don't want to talk about it, OK?"

She just pulls me tighter into her sisterly hug and nods that she understands. We sit there for an immeasurable amount of time before she looks up at me. The look on her face is murderous. The ONE thing you don't do in this life is fuck with Alice Cullen's loved ones, she can be very scary.

"I'm. Going. To. End. Her." She growls out through clenched teeth.

I actually manage a small smile "I know you will, Sis."

"No, Edward I'm serious. I am going to make sure everyone knows the truth about her. I'm going to make sure she is a pariah in this town! I'll tell everyone she has herpes… I'll tell people that she is into bestiality… I'll call her father the next time she parties in the clearing." She ground out in one breath "Maybe I'll kick the shit out of her in front of her little cronies and then tell everyone she does a donkey show in Mexico three times a year!"

From the look on her face I know she is serious, but I find myself chuckling, "Bestiality, Alice, really? Where'd you come up with that one?" It feels good to laugh, if only briefly.

"I don't know. I'm just so angry. You made a huge mess of your room. I think you even put dings in the walls with your CD cases… I noticed you didn't touch your guitar or the vinyl though." Now she smiles.

"Yeah, I don't care how pissed I am, I'm not touching my babies." I sigh and lay my head on her shoulder, knowing she is going to hate what I have to say. "As much as I would love for you to avenge me and make my nemesis pay, you can't."

"Oh, yes I can! I will. In multiple ways and many times over!" she seethes.

"No, Alice, I mean. Don't. Please." I whisper. She straightens up and pulls my chin so we are green eyes to green eyes.

"Why not, Edward? You know she deserves it. She is a fucking bitch! And we have enough real information between the two of us to bury her."

"Alice, I don't want you to, OK. I know your heart is in the right place, but… just, please don't."

"I don't understand. You know you deserve more than this. Just because you're quiet and don't talk to the 'right' people, you don't deserve to be treated like dirt. Please tell me you're not going to keep seeing her."

"I know I'm worth more and there is no way in hell I'm going to keep seeing her, but I still don't want you to do anything… she can't handle it, I can."

"Well, that's just… you… you're always taking care of everyone else, even to the detriment of your own self preservation. You know you are pretty awesome… I wish you would open up and let more people in… I hate that you are so closed off."

"I know, I know. It's just that even the thought of talking to most people makes my stomach hurt and my palms sweaty. I know I'll say something wrong, or trip over my words. Besides, I did let someone in and I got crushed. I don't think I can go through that again."

"I meant someone who doesn't have the reputation of being a high-and-mighty bitch to everyone" I cringe at that and Alice notices, "Sorry. You know I'm here for you Baba, right?" She reminds me using the nickname she called me when we were little.

"Yeah, I know, thanks, LahLah." I return.

"So what are you going to tell mom and dad? Mom was baking up a storm when I got home, a sure sign that she is really worried."

"I'm going to go with a half-truth and an apology, then pray that they leave it alone. I have the advantage of being the "good-one." I don't do stupid things and get in trouble." I try to smile at my slight joke, but fail.

Alice notices and jumps up offering me her hand "Hey, you know what we need? A sci-fi, junk-food fest like when we were kids!" I look at her skeptically as she continues. "Come on, we can watch Star Wars – the original trilogy of course- and eat popcorn and mint-chocolate chip and fall asleep on the couch. Just you and me, OK? It'll be fun."

I sigh, but shake my head yes and mutter OK. She jumps up and down clapping her hands with glee. "Yeah… you start cleaning up this mess and I'll run to the store to grab the necessary supplies… I love you, you know."

"Yeah, I love you, too. Go on you little pixie, I've got a lot of cleaning to do. I'll meet you in the den." She practically runs out of my room. I survey the damage. Shit! What was I thinking! I guess I really wasn't thinking. I start by hanging all my clothes up haphazardly, just to get them off the floor. It wouldn't do to have them wrinkle. Then I start throwing the books and CDs back onto shelves randomly… I will have to fix them later. Right now my dour mood is overpowering my OCD tendencies for alphabetization and color coordination, so I'm just gonna go with it and organize everything later. Just as I pick my bedding off the floor, there is a knock on the door and it opens to reveal both my parents. Shit, I was hoping to avoid this conversation until tomorrow.

"Hey, Edward. Are you feeling better?" mom asks

"Not really, but I am making an effort to clean up my mess… sorry about all this" I wave my hands around the room. "Dad? What are you doing home? You're never home this early?"

"Mom, called me. She was so worried, that I decided to come home. You always take priority over work. Can we talk about it, son?" dad says with a serious look on his face. I was half expecting to be grounded over, what was basically a temper-tantrum, but all I see is genuine concern.

"I just over reacted. I know better. You know I value my things and respect this home; I just kind of lost it. It won't happen again. I promise." I say while putting the sheets back on my bed so I don't have to look at either of them in the eyes.

"We're not worried about that, sweetie. Things can be fixed or replaced. We know how responsible you are, that is why we are so concerned. What happened?" mom asks coming over to help with the sheets.

"Remember that girl I liked?" mom nods and dad looks confused, but I push forward, knowing I have to just get it out. Mom looks at dad and mouths _I'll tell you about it later_. "Well, she isn't who I thought she was." I lower my head to stare at my hands "I've never felt this way about anyone, you know, and it hurt that she didn't feel the same way about me and I got so angry. Angry with her, angry with the world and angry with myself for… I don't know… I just kinda lost it."

"Well, I can't say that I approve of how you handled the situation, but I suppose everyone is allowed to be a little childish sometimes… especially when they are hurting. Dad says as he walks over and puts his hand on my shoulder, "Don't let anyone do this to you, son. I don't care how much you care about them or who it may be, but this is just not you. OK? The next time you feel this strongly about something, please talk it out before 'losing it' and causing mass destruction in your room. You know everyone in this family will listen if you want to talk… about anything, anything at all."

"Yeah, I know, OK." I finish stacking the CDs on the shelves as they move toward the door.

Mom looks back and says, "We know it's hard to talk about details right now, but if, in the future, you want to talk to us, just let us know. Are you coming down for dinner?" and I realize then that I have the best parents ever.

"No, Alice and I are having a sci-fi junk food fest tonight. She already went to the store to get 'supplies," I manage a small smile, which, in turn, brightens mother's face exponentially.

"Oh, that's good, honey. You really don't spend that much time with just your sister. Let me know if you want to order a pizza or something." She smiles as she shuts the door behind her.

25 minutes later, my room is a little more picked up and I am in the den waiting for Alice with the DVD all set up. I hear the door slam and walk out to see if she needs any help. She has a sour look on her face, but once she sees me, she puts on a smile.

"You've been gone quite awhile. What took so long, I was just about to start Episode IV without you."

"Oh, I forgot the mint chocolate chip! I'm such a ditz sometimes. Anyway we can't have a proper junk-food-athon without it, so I went back to grab it." She holds the bag up meekly, but she doesn't meet my eyes.

"Alice, what did you do?" I know she is guilty of something. "You didn't do anything to Bella after I asked you not to, did you?"

"No, brother of mine, I didn't _do anything_ to that self-absorbed, bitch, even if she does deserve it. But, I did quickly stop by Jasper's to kiss him goodnight because I won't see him until school tomorrow. I feel a little bad because I know you're hurting and I promised it would be just us." She still won't meet my eyes, but this is a plausible explanation, so I choose to let it go.

"No, problem. Mom said we can order pizza if we want." We head into the kitchen to put away the rapidly melting ice cream before settling into the big overstuffed couch in the den. 'Thanks, for this, Sis… ready?"

"Yep, let's do it!"

I feel a little better after stuffing my face with pizza, popcorn, M & M's, and ice cream, but the aching in my heart is still there.

Tuesday morning comes much too soon, and I groan as I realize that I will have to sit next to and work with Bella for the rest of the year. I wonder how difficult it would be to change classes… or at least change seats. Most of the day goes by quietly. Angela thanks me for helping her and apologizes for pulling me into her mess, but I assure her it was fine. When I get to Bio I see the television set up and inwardly groan. Great! Another hour sitting in a dark room next to _her_. Yesterday, it was awesome. I touched her, she touched me. I thought we were making progress. I snort air through my nose… progress, right. Today is going to suck.

I feel her walk in the room and look up as she walks toward the lab table. I move quickly and quietly out of the way without meeting her eyes. There is no way I can have her touching me. I know I won't want her to stop. She slips into her seat and stares straight ahead. Once the lights go out, I feel that damned electric pull between us, so I lean as far away from her as possible without falling out of my chair. I make the mistake of looking at her through the corner of my eye only once. I want to see pain. I want to see sorrow. I want to see guilt and apology, but I see nothing. She has completely shut me out, so I grab my bag as the bell rings and get away from her as fast as I can.

The rest of the week is very much the same. I wake up, go to school and do what I need to do to get through. I now have a love/hate relationship with Biology. It's the only time during the day that I see Bella so I dread it all day and it is an incredibly awkward 50 minutes, but is the only time that I see Bella, so I look forward to it all day and relish that I get to spend those awkward 50 minute with her. DAMN IT! Why can't I just hate her? By Friday, I am so thankful for two whole Bella free days, I actually sigh with relief as I pull into my driveway.

I head directly into the kitchen to grab a snack before doing my homework and run into Emmet. He seems to have been avoiding me the past couple of days. We really haven't talked at all since I threw my tantrum on Monday. "Hey, Em." I smile.

"Hey, Bro. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing much, gonna grab a snack and do some homework. What about you?"

He doesn't answer right away and I stiffen, knowing some kind of 'big-brother heart-to-heart' is about to occur. "No, I mean. What's up? I heard about what happened on Monday. You don't do that shit, dude. I know something happened, so talk to me."

"Em, it's just girl trouble. I over reacted and acted like a three-year-old. Everything's fine now." I hope he'll accept that answer and just drop it, but that just isn't who Emmet is.

"Girl trouble? I didn't even know you were involved with anyone. Who is it? What'd she do that got you so angry that you trashed your room? I mean I heard what happened with Bella's pack of hyenas, but I don't see how that could have…" he stopped mid sentence and looked right at me. "Bella or Angela?" he asked

"What do you mean '_Bella or Angela_'? I don't know what you're talking about." I try

"Oh, yeah you do." He replies and crooks his head to the side "… Bella… or… Angela?" He says each name slowly, obviously looking for a reaction to one of the names. I try my best not to react, but I know I fail as his face lights up with a knowing smile.

"Are you fucking kidding me? How? When? _Why?_ What the fuck were you thinking, Bro. She is way too much for you to handle. That could never have ended well."

"I don't know what you are referring to." I retort pouring myself a glass of milk to go with my blueberry muffin.

"You have always had a thing for Bella, dude. I figured you'd get over it in time, but you never did. Don't lie to me, you know you can't lie to me, besides, you don't have to… you know that right? No matter what happens you are my little brother and I'll always be on your side." During his declaration, Emmet makes his way over to me and puts a large hand on my shoulder. I'm not used to him being so emotional. He's usually just a big goof.

"OK, but you can't tell anyone… no one… especially not Rose because she'll just kick the shit out of Bella on principle. Promise, me."

"Sure, I won't betray your trust, Edward. I wouldn't do that to you… not even to Rosie. OK? Now spill."

So, I tell Emmet the story, being as vague as possible. When I get to the part about Bella being a virgin, he scoffs, and I expect him to have the same reaction I did, instead he surprises me by saying, "I always thought those jackasses were full of shit! I just couldn't understand why she would let them all – and there are many – get away with it. Rosie thinks I'm biased because she used to hang around here so much when we were kids… that I feel like brotherly toward her or some shit. I don't know about that, but I am glad to know I was right… I wish I could rub it in Rosalie's face…" I turn the full force of my angry glare on him. He promised! He holds his hands out in supplication "… dude! I was just sayin' I _wish_ I could, but I won't."

I continued the story, not mentioning how I began to think we could be more or how I'm in love with her, ending with Monday's confrontation. I look up to meet his eyes, waiting for him to pass judgment. To tell me I'm stupid for even getting into this in the first place. Instead, he just stands there, leaning against the counter, taking it all in.

"That just sucks, Bro." he shakes his head "I knew there was something going on, but I didn't know what. I can't imagine _almost_ having the girl you've been dreaming about forever, but not actually _having_ her, and then losing her altogether… that just fucking sucks ass!"

Emmet always had a knack for putting situations in the best and worst light in a way that made it crystal clear to understand. "Thanks, Em, that helps a lot!" I say sardonically.

"Sorry, Bro, I'm sorry it happened."

"Thanks, Em." I say with sincerity this time.

He hooks is arm around my neck and says, "So, you are coming out with us tonight… no excuses. You need to blow off steam and you need to show her that she didn't break you! Besides, maybe you'll have fun. Maybe you'll meet someone worthy of your sorry ass."

"I don't think, so. I'm just going to stay in…"

Emmett hushed me by waving his hands in my face. "Hello? Did you hear a question in my words, smart boy? That was a statement, an order if you need it to be. You ARE coming out with us tonight. You ARE blowing off steam. And you ARE going to try to have fun! Get it?"

I know it would be no good arguing with him, so I relent, "OK, Em. I'm gonna take a shower and change. Come knock on my door when you're ready to leave. I'll be ready." Emmet just chuckles.

As I walk toward the stairs, I hear Alice yell, "Wear one of your vintage band t-shirts and black jeans. It'll bring out your eyes and set off your hair!" Great, she is in on this, too.

After showering and getting dressed in my favorite faded black jeans and old Metalica shirt, I lay in my bed trying to calm down. I know this will be good for me. Alice was right. I do need to get out there more… I just don't know how… I don't know if I can put myself out there. I try to clear my head by shaking it back and forth, and grab the book we're reading in English – Ordinary People – it's good, but depressing as hell and matches my current mood well.

Em and Alice come get me around 8pm and we walk through the woods to the clearing. Music is pumping through someone's speakers and I can hear people talking and laughing loudly. I hesitate at the tree line, but Alice smiles up at me, takes my hand, and leads me over to where Jasper, Rosalie, Angela, and her boyfriend, Ben are standing talking about who can hold their breath longest. Emmet walks up to Rose and puts his arms around her saying that he wins hands down because of all the practice he gets. We all look quizzically at him then Rose says "I'd lay my money on him… he's gone at least a minute or two without breathing… he's got a very talented mouth." Everyone looks anywhere but at them except me. I tare in confusion, not getting it. Then it hits me… Fucking gross! I shake my head and walk off to grab a beer.

I make sure to stay close to my comfortable little group all night, taking special care to stay away from Bella. Unfortunately, I can't avoid her completely. She has been dancing ever since I got here. I can't pull my eyes from her, there are actually quite a lot of eyes watching her as she moves her body sensually, dancing like there is no one else watching. I don't like it. I have to constantly fight the instinct to go pull her into my arms and dance pressed against her soft body, but I know I can't. She would freak out on me again and I know I need to start letting her go.

Then I see that prick James watching her like she is something to eat. He needs to stay the fuck away from her, he was a disgusting pig in 8th grade and I can only imagine how far down the rabbit hole he is by now. He walks up behind her and starts grinding into her body with his. She continues dancing as if he's not even there until he pulls her closer to him by her hips. I can only hope she dispatches him quickly. My resolve is wavering and I need to get out of here, but I won't leave her with him.

She looks back and says something that makes her smile, and then points across the field. I think he says something back to her, but when I see her push back closer to his groin, I lose my train of thought. I'm seeing red. I just want him away from her… now. My body steps toward them of its own volition, but I'm stopped by a pair of large hands on my shoulders.

Emmet leans down and says "let it, go Bro. Let _her_ go." So I stop and drop my gaze to the ground. By the time I look up they are walking to the keg, they toast to something and then he leans down and kisses her… roughly. I can't watch this, so I turn my back, hoping someone will distract me. Alice, always the psychic, starts prattling on about what we should do for mom and dad's anniversary. It's their 25th, so she wants to do something "spectacular." I try to listen around the sound of blood pumping through the veins in my head, but I only catch a word here and there.

After about 15 minutes, I can't take it anymore and look for Bella, but she isn't dancing or by the keg. I finally find her disappearing into the trees being led by James. Fuck! Without a second thought, I take off in their direction only to be blocked by Emmet again.

"Get out of my way, Emmet! You saw who she went off with, didn't you? I can't just leave her out there alone with that creep."

"Bro, that's exactly what you have to do. She is a big girl and can make her own decisions." He says putting his hand gently on my sternum.

"I know she is. I know it's her choice, but not him. You know how he is. He has forced himself on more than one girl, but because he is the captain of the state champion basketball team, no one ever prosecutes. I have to go get her."

"We don't know if that's true. They are just rumors… and if you've learned anything from this situation with Bella Swan it should be that rumors aren't always true." He reasons.

"Let me through. I'm going. You can't stop me." I grit out, clenching my fists ready to fight if I have to.

He takes a step back removing his hand from me and shrugs. "Don't say I didn't warn you. You are just gonna get your heart stomped on all over again when you see that she is really into him. But you're right I can't stop you if you are that determined."

"I know something bad is going to happen. I feel it." I start walking toward where they disappeared.

"I won't be there to get your back, so be careful. OK?"

"I can handle myself, you know that."

"I do, but be careful anyway I don't want you getting hurt. And, Bro? Don't lose it and snap his neck either. Got me?" I nod and move into the forest.

I keep walking in a straight line, hoping they were too drunk to travel too far. After a few minutes I hear James, "See, I knew you liked it rough." I freeze. Great!

I briefly worry that maybe Emmet was right and she is really into him, but as I start to turn around I hear Bella's alarmed but quiet voice squeak out "James, No! I said, No. Please, don't do this…" I can tell by the inflection of her voice that she is crying, so I run at full speed toward the sound of their voices.

When I see them, he has her pinned to the ground, and is in the process of removing his shirt. Bella is shaking and sobbing underneath him. "Get the fuck off of her you pig! She said, NO!" I scream as I rush through the trees toward them.

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><p><strong>AN: Hope you liked if from Edwards POV. I've already started on the next chapter so I hope to have it out next week… I'll try my best! As always, let me know what you though!**


	11. Chapter 11: Heartbreak Beat

**Disclaimer: SM owns everything, I own nothing & Please don't read if you're under 18**

**-I know it's a little shorter than my usual already pretty short chapters, but I needed to end it where I did. I hope you understand. **

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><p>Self Esteem Ch. 11: Heartbreak Beat<p>

Edward:

The surprise is obvious on James' face as he momentarily looks up at me before I use my foot to push his body off Bella. She scrambles out of the way clutching at her shirt. I am momentarily distracted by her wide, scared brown eyes and James uses that time to slam a right hook into my jaw. Damn, that hurt. But as he pulls back to hit me again, I sweep his legs out from under him, causing him to fall onto his knees.

"Just walk away, James. It's over." I stare down at him hoping that this would be the end of it, but my string of bad luck keeps coming and he throws his body forward, using his weight to tackle me to the ground. I knee him in the chest on the way down, but I still end up with my back in the dirt and pine needles with James sitting on my chest.

"Not over until I thoroughly kick your ass for interrupting my date." He throws a couple of punches to my face, but I am able to use my hands to block most of the momentum from the blows while using my torso to buck off the ground putting James off balance enough that I can throw him on the ground and get back to my feet and into a basic fighting stance.

"That wasn't a date asshole. That was you trying to take something that didn't belong to you." He gets to his feet and takes another jab at me, but I'm faster and do a jab, cross, combo ending with a side kick to his hip, causing him to stumble back. His nose is bleeding from where I made contact, I can tell it isn't broken, but it still must hurt. "Ready to let it go yet?"

"If I recall, the last time you and I got into it was over this little whore. Didn't you learn your lesson then?" He runs at me, but I twist out of the way, hitting him in the back of the neck on my way around.

"Don't call her that, motherfucker. I don't want to have to hurt you... much" I say doing my best to keep just out of his reach.

"You're right, she's not a whore, they get paid for their services. She just gives it up for free." He smiles and wipes his nose free of blood again, then takes another jab at my face, making contact with my jaw and snapping my head back and to the left. OK, enough playing around. I'm done now.

I step forward just enough to land a right cross to his jaw, a jab to his already bleeding nose, and a roundhouse kick to his ribs. I hear the crack as his nose breaks and blood spurts all over. He puts both hands up to protect his now bloody and beaten face and bends over in pain. "Don't ever say anything like that about her, or any other girl ever again… and yes, I learned my lesson, don't you think? I said it then and I'll say it again now, don't ever, EVER, lay a hand on her. Next time, I won't just break your nose. Now get the fuck out of here. You might want to head to the ER, but beware of what you say, remember how this started… you were assaulting the daughter of the chief of police." I smile, but don't relax my stance, just in case.

"Fuck you, jack-hole!" Then he turns to Bella and says, "you'll regret this, you cunt" and takes off, assumingly toward his car.

I'm still all jacked up, the adrenaline is still rushing through my veins and I'm having trouble coming down, until I hear crying from behind me. Bella! I rush over and crouch down at her side, feeling her face, looking for signs of bruising or abrasions, but luckily – for James – I find none. There is a bite mark on the side of her neck, but it doesn't look too bad "Are you OK?" I ask settling down close enough that I can see her face through the thick curtain of hair she is hiding behind. Her tears are coming slower now.

"Yeah, he didn't really hurt me, you got here just in time. He was… he was…" she began sobbing again, so I put my arms around her and let her cry into my shirt.

"It's OK. It's alright. You're OK, now, I'm here." I whisper into her ear soothingly. She clings to me, pulling me as close to her as possible without actually being inside her body. By the time she loosens her grip, my shirt is soaked through and she is hiccupping as she tries to catch her breath.

"Edward, thank you. Thank you so much. I thought… I thought he was…" her words trailed off, but I know what she was thinking, but she surprises me by saying: "Why?" She looks up at me, showing her red-rimmed, puffy eyes and biting her bottom lip.

"What do you mean?" I can't believe she would ask me that? Who does she think I am?

"Why did you do it? Why were you out here in the first place? You have been nothing but kind and understanding to me and I have been so horrible, cruel even. So, why? I don't deserve your kindness." She looks at the ground hiding her eyes.

"Yeah, you have been pretty awful, but no one deserves to have that happen… no one. I don't care who they are or what they've done."

She snorts and half-laughs sarcastically, "Well it would have been kind of fitting, don't you think? I mean, the class slut gets raped in the woods? No one would believe me, and rightfully so. Right before you showed up, I was thinking that I probably deserved it… I mean it was only a matter of time before someone got tired of being _the only one who Bella the Bitch doesn't fuck_, and took what they wanted anyway." Somehow, she sounds angry, sad, scared, and resigned all at once.

"Bella." She still refuses to meet my eyes, so I pull her face up by her chin. "Bella, I meant what I said, no one deserves that, no one, but you have to be more careful. That asshole is probably not the only fucker who would just take what he wanted from you and then leave you in the woods alone."

"You are absolutely incredible, you know that." She reaches up and strokes my cheek, then looks quizzically at me. "What did James mean when he said you fought over me before? When did that happen? I don't remember you ever getting into a fight before?

"He didn't mean anything. He was just shooting his mouth off." I evade.

"Come on, Edward, tell me. Apparently I owe you yet another thank you for something, I would like to know what it is."

I am not sure I want to get into this now, but I am also not ready to let her go so I sigh and recount the story. "It happened when you came back in 8th grade. You had just gotten into that fight with Lauren and everyone was saying things and talking about what they had _heard_ about you. About where you'd been and why you were back." I adjust our bodies so we are now resting against a tree.

"I was standing in the hallway with everyone else and James was watching you from across the hall. After you told Lauren off and left, everyone was talking. Some couldn't believe it, some took it as confirmation that you had been in a mental institution or Juvenile Hall, most of it was very unflattering and obviously untrue. I wanted to shut them all up, but I knew I couldn't, so I figured I would go see if you were OK. But as I was about to walk away, I heard James talking – loudly- to a bunch of his friends about you. It was derogatory and sexual, and I got angry, so I hit him. We got caught and got suspended. That's all." I shrug and glance sideways at her. She seems to be taking everything in, I know I left out quite a few details, but I hope she just lets it go.

"I can't imagine what he said that would make you that angry. You can barely bring yourself to speak to anyone in school. What did he say?"

"Just some shit, you know. It just got to me." Again, I hope she'll let it go, but she twines her fingers through mine, rests them on my leg and squeezes.

"Just tell me. Please? It can't be that bad. Considering what everyone has been saying about me for years."

I sigh, there is no way in hell, I'll tell her everything. I just hope a half-truth will be enough. "He said that he knew you were back in town. That he had met you the day before in the park and that you gave him a blowjob and that he couldn't wait for you to do it again…" Bella cringed; I can only imagine her reaction if she knew what he actually said.

"_She's spicy that one. She sucked me off so good that I knew she was experienced. I came so fucking hard in her mouth and she swallowed everything I gave her… I'll have to thank Chief Swan for teaching his daughter how to suck cock like a pro…" by the end of that statement, I was across the hallway and throwing him up against his locker. He just sneered at me and said "Don't worry, Eddie, I'm sure you'll get yours. I hope you don't mind sloppy seconds, because I'm first in line to hit that tight little ass" And then I hit him. _

"I couldn't let him get away with what he said, so I hit him. Unfortunately, he was bigger and better than me and he kicked my ass. He got suspended for the rest of the week for fighting, but I started it, so I got over a week's suspension."

"Well you seem to know what you're doing now."

I shrug, "Kickboxing at the gym."

"Well thanks for defending my honor back then… I bet if you'd known what was to come, you would have let it go. How were you to know_ I'd_ be the one to ruin my own reputation." She pulls her hand from mine to pick at some pine needles on her jeans and hangs her head again. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so, sorry, Edward. I should never have talked to you the way I did. I didn't mean it, you know that don't you?" Then she whispers, "I miss you."

I'm not sure what to do. I love this girl. I want to be with her. I want to believe she will change, that we can really try to make this work, but the last time I thought that she ripped out my heart and stomped all over it for the sake of her own pride and self-preservation. I know I deserve more than that. "Bella I…" but she cuts me off with her mouth against mine. Her lips are needy and full of greed. Our teeth clink and our tongues wrestle. I try to maintain clear thoughts, but it is becoming increasingly difficult. When she reaches for the hem of my shirt, I snap out of it.

"Bella. No. I can't" I still her hands with mine.

She smiles slightly, "We've had this conversation before. I know you can. You've shown me plenty of times. Come on, Edward we're good together. You know we are." She returns to the hem of my shirt, slowly lifting it up my stomach and chest running her hands along my skin as she does. She leans over and kisses one exposed nipple, and I groan. I feel her smile widen.

I pull her up to kiss her mouth. I know this is wrong, but I just can't help it. I pull her over so she is straddling my lap and she starts grinding against me. I'm already so hard. She moans into my mouth before sitting back and slowly unbuttoning her shirt. "I can't believe how incredible you are. I don't deserve you, I'm not worthy of you, I know that, but GOD do I WANT you." Her flannel is now open revealing a plain white tank underneath. I finger the bite mark at the bottom of her neck. I gently lay tender kisses there to let her know how sorry I am that it happened and how much I want to take care of her, if she'd just let me.

"Bella, I want you, too." I manage between kisses.

Just as she is about to take of her tank, she looks to see if anyone else is around. "Hopefully we won't be disturbed anytime soon. I can't imagine anyone coming out here and catching us, but you never know." I look at her. Does she mean what I think she means?

"What difference does it make? People get caught fucking out here all the time. No one cares." I really hope I'm wrong.

"Well, we can't be seen like this, you know that. We are also going to have to come up with a good story about what happened with James. People will be wondering why you were out here in the first place." She starts to pull her tank the rest of the way up, but I stop her.

I push her back gently by the shoulders so I can look directly into her eyes. "What do you mean _we can't be seen like this_?" Still in disbelief.

"You know, this… us." She gestures between us. "You know people can't know, but that shouldn't affect our relationship. It didn't matter before." She just stares at me, blank faced.

I push her off my lap onto her ass, she lands, hard. "It DID matter before. It still does. I promised myself I wouldn't do this again. I am NOT going to be your dirty little secret anymore. I deserve better than that." My voice started low, but is becoming louder and stronger with each breath. "I can't believe you, Bella! We both know that this isn't just physical. It never was. I hoped, for months, that you would come to your senses and be the girl I know you can be. I thought deep down, you wanted to change, but I guess I was wrong. I can't do this anymore. I won't." I grab my t-shirt from the ground and stand up leaving Bella sitting by my feet. She is crying again. It takes every ounce of self-control to keep from sweeping her into my arms to comfort her. Instead, I pull my shirt on and cross my arms across my chest.

"I know you deserve better than this… better than me. It's just that… Edward, I… I… I… can't. I'm not strong enough to stand up to them, to stand up for myself. I still want you. It's very selfish, I know. Please, Edward. Maybe if you just give me some time… or something. I can…" her voice is barely above a whisper.

"No, Belle Note, I'm done. I have to start treating myself better, even if that means walking away from you." I say trying desperately not to let any tears fall. "I don't want to leave you out here alone though, so get yourself together and head back to the party. I'll follow a few minutes later."  
>"Of course, you'd still take care of me. Of course." She pulls her tank down and puts her flannel over it, leaving it unbuttoned. She looks at me as if she might say something, but then turns and heads back without a sound. "What should we say about James?"<p>

"If they ask about anything, just fucking make something up. I'll go along with whatever you say." I fold my arms defensively over my chest.

"What if he tells people that it was you? What should I say then?"

"I really don't think he will. He heard my warning. He's too scared of your dad. If he does, we'll figure it out then, but we will have to tell the whole story… I'm not getting sued or arrested for that leprous-puss-boil."

She nods her head and starts walking back toward the party. I wait long enough that she will have a good head start, but not so long that I can't hear her if something were to happen. When I reach the edge of the forest, she has just found Jessica. They talk for a few minutes before heading toward Jessica's car. I head out into the clearing quickly finding Emmet pacing back and forth, like he was waiting for me.

Em rushes over to me and says, "You look like shit, Bro. James came screaming through the clearing a while ago, I was just about to go make sure you were safe, when I saw Bella walk through the trees."

I shake my head, "What did he say? Who did he talk to?"

"Nothing, nobody, he just got into his car and took off, like a bat out of hell. What happened out there?"

"I don't want to talk about it, OK?" I plead.

"No, not OK. Tell me what happened."

"He was trying to… he tried to…. force himself on her, but I got there in time. We fought. I broke his nose and sent him to the ER with a warning not to talk about what happened or I'd tell everyone what he was trying to do."

"Yeah? Good for you. What happened with Bella?"

"Nothing good. It's really over, man. She is never gonna to change. I have to walk away for my own self-preservation."

He puts his hand on my shoulder, "Sorry, man. That sucks. I think you should get really, really wasted tonight and forget all about it." He says handing me an only slightly sipped, warm beer.

"Thanks, Em, but that won't help. When I wake up the pain will still be there and then I'll have a headache to deal with too. I'm just gonna go home."

"You really love her, don't you?" He says with sympathy.

"Yeah, I really do. I'm a fucking idiot, but I do. 'Night, Em. Tell Alice I'm OK and I'll talk to her in the morning."

"Will do. Take care of yourself, little Bro. If you need anything, call me on my cell. I can be home in 10 minutes." He pats me on the back as I turn toward home.

Walking through the silence of the dark woods gives me an opportunity to think. I have always been the shy one… the anxious one. My brother and sister are both outgoing, have lots of friends and enjoy being social. Most social situations just make my stomach hurt- always have. I am afraid to say the wrong thing. To make myself look like a fool or to be outright rejected… afraid I'll have a panic attack. It is still lonely at times, but it has never been enough to make me open up to people outside the family.

But, being with Bella was nice. Not just the sex, but the companionship. I have always been content with surrounding myself only with my family. Even though Jasper and Rose spend almost as much time at our house than at theirs, it still took me a long time to feel comfortable enough to open up around them. But they are now so wrapped up in each other that I feel like an outsider all the time. They do try to include me, especially Alice & Jazz, but I don't want to infringe on their time together, so I usually decline.

When I get home, the light in Dad's study is still on. I don't want to go to bed with all this shit rattling around in my head, so I grab a couple of cookies and two glasses of milk from the kitchen and head over to the study. Dad is poring over some charts, but he looks up when he feels my presence.

"Hey, son. What's up?" I hold up the cookies and milk and sit down in one of the overstuffed chairs on the opposite side of his desk. He gives me a look trying to suppress his smile. "Now you know your mother doesn't approve of me eating anything this late, but since you went to all the trouble of getting it and everything." His smile breaks through as he grabs the late night snack from my hands.

"Hey, Dad. I'm not ready for bed and I saw the light on so…" I shrug and take a bite of the chocolate chip deliciousness.

"OK. Is this a 'hey dad I'm alive and well, just checking in' kind of conversation or a 'hey dad I need your fatherly advice to survive the next few weeks' kind of thing?"

"Well, a little of both, I guess. What were you like in high school?"

"I was quieter than most of my friends and at the top of my class, but still the captain of the varsity soccer team in both 11th and 12th grades and senior class president. I see so much of myself both you boys, and even in Alice… sometimes."

"Yeah, Alice is her own brand of unique, but I know what you mean. I can see you in Emmet, he may be a giant, but he has your open, easygoing nature and people are just drawn to him, the way they are to you. Alice is determined and always sees the good in people, just like you. But I don't see much of myself. Mom says I have your smile, your chin, and your bone structure, but other than physical things, I just don't see it… I wish I was better, more like you." I stare down at the glass of milk in my hands so I don't have to meet his eyes.

"You don't see yourself very clearly sometimes, you know. You are incredibly intelligent and have a thirst for knowledge that is unrivaled. You are sensitive and loyal, almost to a fault. You are a good person and have a big heart…"

I scoff, "Yeah, a big heart…the perfect target to get broken. Sometimes I wish I could just close myself off from the world."

"Well, Son, you may not want to hear this, but I think you have already closed yourself off. I worry about you."

I sigh deeply, "You may be right about that."

"You can't let fear dictate your life. Sometimes you just have to put yourself out there."

"I already did that and look what happened." I say barely above a whisper.

He gets up, rests on the corner of his desk and puts his hand on my shoulder. "I know. I'm proud of you. The past couple of weeks, you were happier than I've seen you in a long time. Please do not let that chase you back into your protective shell."

"I'll try, dad." I say as I stand to leave, but just as I reach the door he speaks.

"You know what else we have in common? When we fall in love, we fall for life."  
>I stiffen, "What does that mean?"<br>"The girl, its Bella, right? You've been in love with her your whole life. I can't believe you would react so viscerally if it was anyone but her."

"I haven't been in love with her my whole life. What are you talking about?"

He chuckles, "I met your mother when I was nine and she was eight and we have been together ever since… accept for a few months in high school. We got into a horrible fight and broke up. I can't even tell you what the fight was about now, but we eventually worked our way back to each other.

"I always thought that. Even when she basically disappeared for those years when we were younger, I knew she would come back. I knew we were meant to be together, but now… I just don't know anymore. She is different. When we're alone, I see the girl I love in there, but otherwise she is this different person. I don't know. I think maybe I've been wrong. Maybe we aren't meant to be together."

"It will be alright, son. It will, just try not to force it. If it's meant to be, its meant to be. It will happen when the time is right."

"Thanks for the talk, dad. I would appreciate it if you kept it just between us. I just need some time to think. 'Night."

"Good night… and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't tell your mother about the late night cookies and milk."

I chuckle and not my head as I head up the stairs. I look around my room. It's now back to being clean and organized just like it was before I flipped out… you almost can't tell it ever happened. I look at the glass door and think of Bella. My heart wishes she would walk through that door and tell me she was wrong, that she needs me more than Bella the Bitch, but my self-esteem, my pride, and my common sense tell me I have to move on. So I do something that I haven't done since June… I walk over and lock the door.

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><p><strong>A<strong>**/N: It will probably be a couple of weeks for chapter 12. I'm not exactly sure how many more chapters there are, but it is winding down. I got some good feedback for the last chapter. I love it. Keep it coming. I know there are mistakes- I never did get a beta- so if there is anything that is bugging you, let me know and I'll fix it or explain it! As always, thank you for reading and tell me what you think!**


	12. Chapter 12: Low, Low, Low

**Disclaimers: SM owns everything. If you are under age… please stop reading now!**

**A/N: This is the longest one to date… I hope it makes up for the shortness of ch 11. Enjoy!**

**Self Esteem Ch 12: Low, Low, Low**

**Bella:**

My heart sinks with every step away from him, but I force myself to keep moving toward the party. It almost physically hurts… almost… wait, no, it actually, _does_ physically hurt. My body aches a littl from wrestling with James, and my heart and soul burn from hurting Edward.

I was caught off guard when I heard his voice. I thought maybe it was just wishful thinking. But, no, he was there and he managed to kick the shit out of James. At first, I was scared that James would hurt him, but after a few minutes, I realized Edward can handle himself. I watched as his muscles flexed and released. I couldn't take my eyes off him as he danced around, striking with power and precision. When he sent James packing, all I wanted to do was run over and fling my arms around him, but I was unsure of what he wanted… we were not on the best of terms.

But he came to me anyway. Our conversation started out a little strained, but it got more comfortable as we talked. He told me how he had defended me against James all those years ago, before any of this shit happened even after not seeing me for two and a half years. I have to wonder what would have happened if Edward had actually been there that first week, but it's done and can't be changed now.

I apologized and kissed him, not really giving him a chance to argue. For a little while, things were OK. I thought we might actually be able to go back to where we were. I know, I'm an idiot, why would someone as wonderful as him want me after what I said and did earlier in the week… after what I've been doing to him the last few months. I knew it was only a matter of time before I pushed him too far or he realized what shit I am and wanted nothing more to do with me. I know he deserves better than what had been going on between us… better than me.

When I reach the clearing, I make a b-line for Jess. All I want to do is go home. Luckily, she's alone. "Hey, Jess, I'm ready to go. I know I'm supposed to stay with you tonight, but can you take me home instead?"

"Um… I'm waiting for Mike. We were going to take a walk… or something. Can't we stay just a little bit longer?" I see Mike walking towards us out of the corner of my eye, juggling a blanket and two cans of Coke with a huge, goofy grin on his face. Jess beams back at him. They really like each other.

"You know what? I'll call Jake. I'm sure he'll come get me, that way you can spend as much time with Mike as you'd like without worrying about me."

"Really? Thanks, Bella. I'll owe you one… but if Jake can't come get you, text me and I'll take you home, OK?"

"Yeah, OK, but I'm sure it'll be fine. Go have fun." She takes me to her car so I can grab my bag, before giving me a little hug and running back to Mike.

I take a deep breath and dial Jake's number. I know it's late, but he has always been a night owl.

"Bells? What's up? Is everything all right?" He says sounding a little panicked.

"Everything's fine. I didn't mean to worry you. I know it's late, but I'm kind of stranded at the clearing and was hoping I could count on my oldest, bestest friend for a ride home?" I ask hopefully.

"Of course, you know I'd do anything for you. Give me 15 minutes"

"Cool, thanks, Jake! I appreciate it." We hang up. I take one more look around for Edward, but he's nowhere to be found. He probably went home. As I turn back toward the gravel road, I run right into Tori. "Hey, Tori." I say nervously.

She puts her hands on her hips and stares icily at me, "James and I broke up earlier."

"Oh? Sorry to hear that… but that's what you guys do, right? In the nine months you've been together, how many times have you guys broken up and gotten back together. I'm sure tonight won't be any different… have you, um, seen him?" I add trying not to look too interested in the answer.

"Yeah. He had his paws all over you and then you both disappeared. When he came back, he went straight to his car without saying a word. I was really pissed. I called him every ten minutes until he finally picked up, telling me he was at the hospital and would call me tomorrow. What the fuck happened out there?"

"Didn't HE say what happened?" I inquire trying to buy some time to concoct a believable story.  
>She snorted. "Yeah, HE said YOU were stumbling drunk and had to pee, so he followed you to make sure you weren't alone if you passed out again, but he was busy keeping an eye on you, he tripped over a log and landed face down. He didn't sound very convincing. I want to hear it from you."<p>

Oh, thank, God! And thank God, that she's dumb enough to tell me his side before asking for my side, "Ouch! That sounds painful." I say trying to cover. "So that's what happened to him? I wasn't that drunk and he was obviously more drunk than he thought. I didn't know he was following me until I heard him curse. By the time I got there, there was blood spurting everywhere." I am very grateful for all the practice I've had over the years making up stories on the spot.

Tori cocked her head to the side as if she was deciding whether to believe me or not. "Well, if that's what happened, what took you so long? He was gone for over half an hour before you sauntered out of the woods." Why would she pick now to become so damn observant?

"Oh, well, it's embarrassing really, but you know how I don't really like blood? I still had to pee and James said he'd be fine so he left to get medical attention, but after he left, I got dizzy and tried to walk… the next thing I knew I was lying face up in the ferns. I had no idea how much time passed."

"So nothing else happened? Nothing?"

"Do you think I would lie about it if something did? When have you ever known me to do that? I'm nothing if not truthful, even to the detriment of myself and my friends' feelings… I mean, look at Riley, right?" I. Am. A. Lying. Bitch!

"True. You've never cared about hurting anyone before. OK, I guess I believe you. I'm going to surprise James at the hospital. When we talked he said he would still be awhile."

"Did he say if he was going to be OK?" I ask innocently.

"Yeah, he broke his nose, so his face will be bandaged and bruised for awhile, but he'll be fine… I've always wanted to have sex in a hospital room. I wonder if he'd be up for it? I know his face will hurt, but I'm sure they'll give him good drugs. Cross your fingers for me? See ya on Monday!"

I let out the huge breath that I had been holding. Maybe I should have told the truth. I mean doesn't he deserve to be punished for trying to force himself on me? But then there is the matter of my reputation. Who would believe me anyway, besides nothing _actually_ happened… thanks to, Edward. Fuck! I don't want to start that again. I already feel bad enough about myself. Luckily, before I start the inevitable downward shame spiral, Jake pulls up.

"Hey, sexy, want a ride?"He smiles leaning across to open the passenger side door of the Rabbit.

"Thanks, Jake. I owe you one." I say as I get in and slam the door.

"Ah, don't mention it, Bells. What happened? Did your ride bale?" He says making his way down the long gravel service road.

"Kind of, yeah. She's out _walking_ with her boyfriend. I suppose I could have waited, but honestly, I've had a horrible night and I just want to go home and go to bed."

"Oh is that our destination? You know I'd never turn down a chance to _go to bed_ with you." He smiles mischievously, "and after all, you do _owe me one._"

I sigh and shake my head, "Jake, please, not tonight. I had a REALLY bad night. Please just be my friend." By the time I finish my statement I am fighting back tears.

Jake looks over at me, the concern clearly written on his face, "What happened tonight?" He asked softly. "Are you OK?" I just shake my head no and allow the tears to fall. He reaches over and pulls me closer. I lean my head on his shoulder and he uses one hand to steer while stroking my hair with the other. "Bells, please talk to me." He pleads.

"I don't want to talk about it. I'll be alright, I promise."

"Was it, Edw… that guy you're seeing? Did he do something to you?" He puts both hands on the wheel, gripping it so tight his knuckles are white.

"What? No. As a matter of fact, that guy is the reason why I'm not hurt… or worse. He protected me…" even though I don't deserve it.

"Oh, so you're still seeing him then?" He asks barely above a whisper.

"No." is all I can manage. Jake sits up straighter and puts an arm around my shoulders to keep me close.

"I'm sorry about that, Bells." He tries to say the words with sincerity, but his tone and eyes belie his true feelings. We stay like that the last couple of minutes of the drive.

"Thanks." I say not acknowledging the false sincerity. I notice that Charlie's cruiser isn't in the driveway when we pull in. I was expecting he would be home, it's after midnight and his shift usually ends at 11:00pm. I really do not want to be by myself right now. "Hey, Jake, would you stay with me until my dad gets home? I'm OK, but still a little shaken."

"Are you sure you're really alright? This isn't like you?" He says with concern.

"Yeah, I just don't feel like being alone." He looks at me questioningly out of the corner of his eye, but turns off the engine and gets out.

Once inside, Jake walks to the living room, plops on the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table. "Wanna watch a movie? Or are you ready to talk?" he looks at me expectantly.

"I have Super Troopers, I know we both love that one." I say as I walk over to find the DVD and put it in the player.

"Movie it is then. Big surprise." He mutters under his breath. I choose to ignore it and sit next to him on the couch. He pulls me towards him and I automatically snuggle into his side. This is nice. It's familiar, comfortable. I wish, not for the first time, that I could feel something other than sisterly affection toward him. He really is wonderful. Maybe if I hadn't met Edward, things would be different. I stare unfocused at the TV while Jake's large hand rubs my upper arm softly. It's not until he hits mute a few minutes later that I realize I'm crying again.

"Bells, please tell me what's wrong."

"You want to know what's wrong?" I say suddenly wanting to diverge myself from the events of this horrible night. "I went to make out in the woods with some guy, a friend's on-again-off-again boyfriend no less, when he got rough and pushy." He froze and stiffened, so I continued quickly, "I already said, nothing actually happened, he tried though. If it wasn't for Edw… that guy I'd been seeing he might have succeeded, too."  
>"So how did Cullen know that you were out in the woods?<br>"Wait, you know I was seeing Edward? How?" This is the point where I usually would panic, but I feel nothing but relief.

"I'm not stupid, Bella. Between what you said and the way Alice Cullen grilled me at that party, I figured it out, but that's not important right now. What happened?"  
>"Edward knocked the other guy off me and broke his nose, so he left to get medical attention" I shrug.<p>

"What other guy. Tell me who it is so I can kill him myself."

"I'm not going to let you do that. I won't tell you who it is, because I know that's exactly what you'd try to do. Please, just let it go, OK?"

"Are you gonna report it? Your dad will have him in jail- or maybe six feet under- before you finish saying the bastard's name."

"No, I'm not going to report it. Nothing really happened and it would cause more trouble than it's worth. It would be his word against mine and you already know my reputation around town, but by some miracle, my dad doesn't, and it WOULD come out if I pressed charges."

"Bells, it kills me to see you like this. He should pay…"

But I interrupt him, he thinks that is why I'm so upset… and really shouldn't I be more upset about that? "That's not why I'm upset… at least that's not the main reason."

"Really? What could be worse than that? Wait… is this about Edward? You're more upset that you got dumped than almost being… you know. That's fucked up, Bells."

"No, I didn't get dumped, really… well OK, maybe I did, but it was all my fault. I said some horrible things to him and one of his friends at school this week, just to look good in front of the other 'mean girls,' and then he still followed me to make sure I wouldn't be hurt by that douchebag and he was willing to give me another chance. Then I blew it, again."

"How'd you do that?" He looks a little uncomfortable talking about Edward, but I really need someone to talk to, and he asked so…

"We were, um, making out and I told him I was glad things could go back to the way they were, but he isn't willing to do that. He wants to be out in the open and I just can't."

"Damn, Bells, that's cold as shit!"

"Jacob! You're not helping." I sit back and look at him incredulously.

"Well, someone's gotta say it. You obviously have feelings for this guy. You know he's the only one that you ever talked about from school when we were growing up? I was always jealous of that kid. Anyway, you need to hear this. Something's gotta get through to you."

"I know, I'm shit. I'm lower than shit. I just can't allow this to go public."

"You keep saying 'can't' you know it's not can't it's won't. You're too scared."

Damn perceptive son-of-a-bitch! "You're right. I know you're right."

"Well, then figure your shit out. Even if it's too late for _Edward_ you could still spend the next year and a half of high school being who you really are… or who you say you want to be, not some fake bitch that uses and hurts people just because that's what's expected of her. The Bella I know is strong and caring. She doesn't really care what people think about her, or at least not enough to let it change her."

"Yeah, I used to be like that, but I haven't been in a long time. I don't know if I remember how." I begin playing with the loose threads in the couch to keep my attention.

"Of course you do. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I believe in you, Bells. I know you feel like shit about yourself right now, so just stop doing the things that make you hate yourself. Just stop."

"I'm just so alone. I pushed everyone away that really cared about me and now I have no one." Especially not Edward, I can't believe he could ever forgive me, and he's the only one that would make it worthwhile to even try.

"It'll be OK, Bells. I'm here for you, I'm not going anywhere. I love you." He pulls me up against his chest and kisses the top of my head as I nod my head and start crying again. We sit there for a few minutes in silence and he holds me while I cry.

I feel him staring at my face, so I wipe my nose and cheeks thinking I must be a mess, but when I look up into his eyes, he is giving me _that_ look. The one that says he wants to be so much more than just a friend. I return his stare, but when he starts to pull away in rejection, I move closer, putting my head back on his chest. I just don't want to be alone. I just need someone to hold me. I want Edward, and I can't have him. But Jake is right here. He loves me, says he believes in me. Things could be so easy for us, if I'd just let it. Our relationship has always been easy.

He pulls my face up with one hand while securing the other around the back of my neck. I think: _maybe I can do this, maybe he'll kiss me and it will be magic, maybe what I need has been right here this whole time_, but my heart is breaking, it knows this is the wrong boy. Slowly, never taking his eyes off mine, he leans in and kisses my lips gently. Whisper soft. His lips are warm and dry. When I don't pull away, he kisses me again, this time with more pressure, but just as chaste. He closes he eyes now and goes in again, parting my lips just a little to suck on my bottom lip, and I find myself kissing him back.

Thoughts of Edward keep creeping into my mind, but I beat them back. I just need to not feel so alone… Now I feel Jacob's tongue slide along my lips asking entrance and I automatically open to him. His breath is hot and his scent is pine trees and the ocean combined. It's his own unique scent and it feels safe and comfortable. Jake turns his head to deepen the kiss and we move backwards to lie on the couch, Jake's body pressing mine into the frayed cushions.

"MMM, Bella. God, you have no idea how much I want you. How long I've wanted this," he whispers as he kisses his way down my neck toward my collarbone. I force my eyes shut tightly. I can't look, I just want to feel. I feel his hot hand at the hem of my shirt. He caresses the sensitive skin on my back. "I love you, Bells. God, I love you," he murmurs. I'm not even sure I'm supposed to hear it. I don't know whether he even realizes he said it aloud.

All of a sudden, alarm bells go off in my head… _this is Jacob. JACOB! Your best friend and you're USING him! USING HIM SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL ALONE! STOP! STOP NOW! Before it goes any further, before you do something you'll really regret!_ His hands are making their way up my back toward my bra clasp while continuing to kiss the sensitive skin on my neck.

"Stop." I whisper, but he either doesn't hear or is ignoring me because he doesn't stop. So I say a little louder. "Jake, stop."

This time he hears me for sure, "No, Bella. Don't stop. Don't think, just feel. We could be so good together if you'd just let it happen." He crashes his mouth onto mine again, urgent but not rough.

I push on his chest with my hands, "No, Jake, we have to stop," I say around his insistent lips, and then I add "please," for good measure.

He stops then and his head lowers to rest his forehead on my shoulder. I take my hand and run it through his hair comfortingly. Without looking up he asks, "Is it him?"

I want to say yes, it's him. I know that is the answer he wants because then it isn't _us_, he may still have hope, but I don't want to lie to him. He always gives me the truth when I need it. He needs to know that I just don't feel that way toward him. This can't happen again. "No, Jake, it's not. I do love him, but this just isn't right. I'm sorry."

He sits back now, looking at me through hurt eyes. "Why, Bells? Why did you let me do this? You seemed to like it too. Why isn't it right? We were made for each other. You have to know it on some level." He pleads.

"I did it because I didn't want to be alone – I know that's not a good enough excuse, and it may even sound cruel- but it's the truth. It felt good to have someone want me for me. I tried, Jacob, really tried, but I just don't feel that way toward you. Maybe we were made to be in each other's lives, I do love you, but we are just meant to be friends."

He stares at the images on the silent TV for a few minutes. "I can't do this right now. I have to go." He makes to get up and I start to panic.

"Jake, please. I need you. You're my best friend. You always have been. Please. Don't leave it like this." I beg.

"Deep down I always knew your heart didn't belong to me… I think you gave that away to someone else a long time ago, but I just hoped… that if you would just give in to me… once you saw how good we could be together you would… but I guess I was wrong. I know you're going through a lot right now, but I just can't be around you right now. I'm sorry." He rises and walks to the front door.

"Jacob, please we've been friends for too long, please don't just walk away. I don't know if I could take it."

"I just need time, Bells, time to accept that our relationship will never be anything more… you know how badly I want more… I just need to be away from you right now. Probably not forever, I love you too much, just not right now. I'm sorry." He turns and walks out the door without another word, looking completely dejected.

When I hear the engine of the Rabbit come to life, I start sobbing into the couch. I am such an idiot! I am so fucked up. I can't believe I caused the two people I love more than anything so much pain. I am so wrapped up in self-pity that I don't notice Charlie coming in.  
>"Bells? What's the matter? What happened? Are you OK?" he walks through the door, over to the couch and bends down to rub my back. When I don't say anything, he sighs deeply and goes back to the entranceway to put away his gun belt and shoes. I am still sobbing into the old ratty couch cushions when he gathers me into his arms sitting me on his lap on the couch. "Shhhh, baby. It's OK. Tell me what's wrong." He whispers into my ear trying to comfort me. When my sobs start to slow, I lean back and look at his concerned face. His uniform shirt is wet and snotty and while I'm sorry for that, I really needed my daddy after the night I had. His big brown eyes are studying me, looking for answers,<p>

"I saw Jake whizz past me on my way in. He was going so fast, that if I hadn't just worked 13 hours, I would have pulled him over. Did you guys get into a fight? Is that what all the water works are about?" I decide to take the out. The very last thing in the world I want is to tell Charlie everything that happened tonight, so I shrug then nod my assent into his chest without looking at him. I can't look at him. I'm too afraid that he'll see that there is more to the story… see what a terrible person I am… see all the awful things I've said and done.

"What happened, kid? You two never fight… did he try something with you? I know he's developed, um, feelings toward you."

"Yeah, it's kind of like that." Charlie stiffens and sits up straight, so I rush on, "He didn't do anything inappropriate, Dad. He didn't do anything I didn't let him do…"

"Anything you didn't let him do? What does that mean?" He still hasn't relaxed.

"We just kissed. I didn't have the best night, Jake was there for me, I know he has always wanted a different relationship, so when he tried to kiss me, I let him. I was…" _hurting, still reeling from earlier, afraid to be alone…_"curious."  
>"And…" Charlie encouraged.<p>

I took a deep breath, "And, it was a mistake. I don't feel that way toward him. He is too much like a brother."

"Oh… so he got angry and left?"

"Yeah, Oh." I take another deep breath, "I wish he was angry, he was just sad, so sad. Dad, I really hurt him."

"Don't worry. He'll get over it. I know he will. He cares too much for you not to come around. Just give him some time to adjust." He says rubbing his hand along my arm.

"Yeah, that's what he said. He needs time." I sit back onto the couch and stare unfocusedly out the picture window. Because of the lighting, I can see the trees and dark sky outside as well as the mirror image of the living room. I momentarily focus on my reflection, but I can't bear to look at myself, so I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling.

"So, what happened tonight? You said you had a bad night."

"Nothing really, just teenage drama, you know, the usual." I say somehow managing a small smile.

"Yeah, there seems to be a lot of that going around. Just as I was about to leave work, I was called to the hospital. A kid about your age came in with a broken nose, a cracked rib and some bruising. The kid said he tripped and fell into some trees, but that isn't what it looked like. So the Doc wanted someone to question him."

My breath catches. My first thought is, 'damn! Edward got him good, my second is, shit! What did he say?' "So what happened?" I ask tentatively.

"Well, the Doc was right. His injuries were not consistent with a fall. It looked like he'd been in a fight, but he never changed his story. Dr. Amun said there was no evidence of prior abuse, so it was most likely just a fight with another kid. Anyway, that's why I'm so late. Hey, why was Jake over here anyway, I thought you were out with the girls tonight?"

"Yeah, I was, but Jessica's boyfriend showed up, Tori got a call and had to leave," I saw recognition flicker in his eyes, I guess she had made good on surprising James at the hospital, but dad couldn't say anything about anything pertaining to an investigation, "and I wasn't about to stay alone with Lauren, so I called Jake. We watched Super Troopers." I pointed to the flickering screen.

"So is this _teenage drama_ you spoke of about Lauren?"

"It usually is…" I evade "anyway. I'm beat. I'm going up to bed."

"Are you gonna be alright, Kid?"

"Yeah" I lie.

"OK, Night, Bells. See ya tomorrow."

"Night, Dad."

I trudge up the stairs into my room. Leaving the light on I fling my shoes off in the general direction of the closet, then strip off my jeans leaving them in a pile where I stand, and flop into bed. I'm too exhausted to do anything else. I am hoping to fall right to sleep. I'm so fucking tired, but my brain- or maybe my conscience – won't let me.

My thoughts spin. It seems my mind is determined to torture me with every evil deed or wrong I've ever done, starting with that day in 8th grade when I blew Edward off for Lauren and ending with… well, when I blew Edward off for Lauren- and the rest of that gaggle of witches. I can't get the dead look in his eyes out of my head. I see it every time I close my eyes and it makes my heart ache, every damn time. I can't stand to see that look on his beautiful face. He is sweet and giving and smart and honest (when I'm not making him lie to everyone that is) and kind and loyal and so gorgeous (not that he realizes it) and I hurt him. He can see through all my bravado, all my crap and I hurt him. He hid our relationship from everyone, including his family because it would_ inconvenience_ me and I tossed him aside as if he was nothing. He burrowed through my walls one kind word, one unselfish act at a time and saw a good person inside… or at least the potential for me to be good person and I still hurt him.

I have felt bad about myself before, when I spread the rumor that Olivia Lovelace had herpes because she dared to dis my truck, when I made out with Lauren's first high school boyfriend and Tori's… and Bree's just because I could; when I made some random freshman cry because she dared to sit at my regular lunch table on the first day of school, but nothing, NOTHING, compares to the depth of my self-loathing over hurting Edward. I pull my stuffed Lady from its home on the bedside table and cry into the soft fur, hoping to feel some sort of comfort in holding something he gave me. I cry myself into a fitful sleep fraught with tossing, turning, and nightmares.

I hear the rain pelting down on the roof as I my peel my eyes open in the morning. The weather matches my mood. I lay in bed unmoving, staring at the ceiling while holding Lady to my chest. I don't know how long I lay there, but eventually my stomach growls. I haven't eaten anything since before the party last night. I have no idea what time it is as I stumble down to grab a cereal bar and some juice. I stand at the counter, staring out the small window, eating my breakfast, chewing robotically and swallowing without really tasting it. There's a note on the table from Charlie telling me he's fishing with Billy. Of course he is, it's his day off, where else would he be? I look around the kitchen and see that it could use a good scrub, but I have absolutely no motivation today, so when I finish, I head back to bed, where I sleep for another couple of hours. The next time my eyes creep open, I want desperately to go right back to sleep, but I know it's futile.

I sight and roll over; pulling my Ipod and a book I've been wanting to read, from the drawer in the bedside table. I open up my "too depressed to move" playlist, pop the headphones in and start at page one. After a couple of hours of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, I hear Charlie moving around downstairs. I sincerely hope he just leaves me alone to wallow.

I don't know how long I have been reading the same paragraph over and over when he yells up the stairs, "Hey, Bells. I was going to order a pizza for dinner. What do you want on it?"

"I'm not very hungry" I call back down "Get whatever you want and I'll eat if I get hungry later."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm not feeling so well today."

"OK." I hear him walk into the kitchen to presumably call in his pizza order. It's only then that I look outside and see how dark it is already. I realized I haven't looked at the time all day, so I lean over, pull my phone out of my pants, and reluctantly look at the time. 5:30pm, wow, I spent all day in bed, usually I would be done, or almost done, with my book by now, but I'm not even half-way through, my mind must have wandered more than I thought. I notice my message light is on. I must have silenced the damn thing at some point last night and forgotten to put the ringer back on. The first message is from Jess sent at 10:00am.**U get home OK last nite? Anything good happen? ;) - J**

The next one is from her too sent at 2:34pm: **Hey, you didn't text me back. I'm worried u r chopped up into pieces on the side of the road. Hit me back. - J**

Then a 3rd at 5:07pm: **If u don't text me soon, I'm calling ur dad. - J**

While I don't particularly want to talk to anyone, I really don't want her calling my dad either, so I text back: **I'm fine. Got home, Jake left, went to sleep, woke up with the flu. Been in bed all day, just saw ur texts. Didn't mean to worry u. Going back to bed. - B**

I know it sounds stilted, but it's the best I can do right now. The phone chimes after about a minute: **Glad ur OK. Too bad nothing good happened with ur "friend." You've been sick a lot lately, and passing out, ur not… you know… are u? – J**

Great, just what I need, people thinking I'm pregnant. **NO! I'm not. Don't even suggest it. Just a flu. Ttyl. – B**

I turn the phone off and sink back into bed with a "hmphf." I stare at the cracks in the ceiling for an immeasurable amount of time just listening to my breathing and trying to remain in the present. My mother took a psych class and she says this is called "mindfulness" just trying to stay in the moment and not think about anything but breathing. I'm willing to try anything to stop thinking about my life, about Jake, about Edward. Eventually, I give in and go grab a piece of pizza expecting Charlie to be in front of the tube watching some kind of game, but he's not. A few minutes later, he comes down in his uniform.

"Hey, Kid, you feeling better?" I just shrug and motion to the uniform. "Accident on the 101… a bad one. The weather is really nasty out there. I said I'd head in and help out… unless you need me to stay home?"

"Nah, I'm OK." I'm going to study for a test and read a little more in my book and then head to bed early."

"Bells, you've been in bed all day. You can't just hide in your room. You know things will be alright between you and Jake." He says the concern evident in his tone of voice.

"I know it will. Go ahead, I'm 17 now, you know I'll be OK by myself, it's not as if you've never left me alone before."

He snorted, "Oh, you're acknowledging you had a birthday, now? I thought we weren't allowed to discuss it."

"You're right, just forget I said anything. Go. I'm fine." I plaster a smile on my face hoping he will just leave already.

"OK. Call me if you need anything. I don't know how late I'll be."  
>"Be safe, Dad."<br>"Always am." He smiles as he grabs his rain gear and disappears out the front door.

As soon as the cruise leaves the driveway, I grab my phone to text Edward… God I miss him, and then I remember. I fucked everything up. The mind is an amazing thing, I spent all day either thinking about him and our situation or avoiding thinking about him and our situation, then forget within ten seconds when I have an opportunity to see him. I will never have the opportunity to see him outside of school again. He's done with me- rightfully so. He'll never touch me, taste me, or hold me ever again… I'll never run my fingers through his beautiful hair, or stare into those piercing emerald green eyes or smell his unique Edward scent, ever again.

Pain sears through my body starting at my heart and shooting through every nerve in my body. I start breathing quick and shallow. I feel like I may have a heart attack. It stops me dead in my tracks. I slide down the wall trying to catch my breath. I've been thinking those same thoughts for days and nothing like this has happened. I've felt an ache in my chest, like my heart is literally in pain, but nothing like this. I think it is finally hitting me. I. Lost. Edward. To my own pride and stupidity. The room starts spinning and I put my hands on the floor to steady myself. That's when it hits me… I Love him… don't get me wrong, I know I had this revlelation a couple of weeks ago… if I'm honest with myself, I've actually known I love him for a lot longer, like most of my life. But this is different. I realize that I'm really, truly _in love_ with this guy. He is so incredible; no one could ever be as perfect as Edward could, or at least as perfect for me. I know he is _the one_ for me, I'll never feel this way about anyone else, ever. I want… no I _need_ him.

I have to get him back… I have to do _anything_ it takes to get him back. I'll beg, plead, tell everyone about us, tell everyone about all the lies. I'll face down Lauren and anyone else who stands in my way. I know he is way too good for me, but I want to prove to him that I can change, that I can be a better person, to prove that I can become the person he sees – or at least saw- in me- to prove he is the only one I want, ever.

With that in mind, I grab my keys and rain jacket, not caring that I'm in an old pair of sweats and the t-shirt I stole from Edward. Not even thinking about the fact that it's already past 11:00pm.

It's pouring rain, so the truck it is… I don't really care right now if Charlie sees the truck gone or comes home to see I'm not there. I just want to get to Edward. After the longest car ride of my life, I pull right up the long driveway, boldly not caring if anyone sees me. It's really coming down. Even with the jacket, I'm going to get soaked. I briefly think about knocking on the door, but I don't want anyone to keep me from speaking to him, so I brave the tree in the rain. Somehow, I manage to get to the balcony without breaking anything, or slipping and falling to my death. I look into his dark room through the glass door and see his shape moving slightly under the covers.

I take a couple of deep breaths rationalizing that if the door isn't locked, there may still be a chance. I try the door, it's locked. Fuck! But I'm undeterred. I knock quietly, but he doesn't stir, so I knock again more forcefully. This time, he rolls over and opens his beautiful eyes. He sits up, looking around still slightly disoriented. Once his eyes focus, I think I see him smile, but it is replaced by a frown so quickly I may have imagined it.

"It's me, Edward. Please let me in." I say against the door. He doesn't move. He just stares at me, so I try again, "Please, Edward. Please. I need to talk to you."

He sighs and walks to the door, but instead of opening it he just says, "What do you want, Bella?" through the glass.  
>Well, at least he's talking to me. "I want to talk to you. Won't you please let me in? It's raining cats and dogs out here, and it's hard to hear."<p>

He looks down at his feet and says, "I can't, Bella. I just can't. It's over, it _has_ to be over" and then he rests is forehead against the glass.

I mirror his actions and say, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please I… I…" I know if I have any chance of ever getting him back, I have to admit my true feelings for him, but it's not easy. Once it's out there, I can't take it back and if he doesn't feel the same, then I may never recover. But I decide he is worth any risk I may have to take, so I look at him and say, "I love you, Edward. I love you."

**A/N: Please let me know what you think! Thank you for reading!**

**** I can't wait until I get my happy face…**


	13. Chapter 13: Unbelievable

**Disclaimer: I'm in grad school, I know all about citing my sources, Steph owns'em all, I'm just playing**

**A/N: To those who send me reviews, I am truly grateful, whether they are just a smiley face or a comment on the characters, or even a question. I love them all. Thank you!**

* * *

><p>Self Esteem Ch. 13: Unbelievable<p>

Edward:

I decide to allow myself the weekend to grieve. I will stop the pity party Monday morning. I refuse to give in to my desire to call Bella or go over there and shake some fucking sense into her, or to beg her to come over, or to tell her we can be whatever she wants to be if we can just be together. I have to start treating myself better. I also think a lot about what my dad said… about being so closed off and I decided I need to make some changes. There is still over a year and a half of school left, plenty of time to make meaningful friendships, maybe even have a healthy relationship… even if it's not with Bella. I wince at that thought

Saturday is a blur of homework, guitar, and self-pity. Emmet and Alice spend Sunday trying to distract me with movies and board games. Although it's really nice of them, it doesn't work that well… I still spend much too much time wallowing. By 8:00pm, I excuse myself to my room. I read a little, fiddle a little more with my guitar, and hit the bed by 9:30pm, allowing the storm to lull me to a fitful sleep.

I wake up to the sound of knocking on the glass door. A quick look at the clock reveals it's midnight. There is only one person who comes to the balcony door, especially this late… Bella. I move into a sitting position, smiling automatically when I see her… and then I remember and put a staunch scowl on my face.

"It's me, Edward. Please let me in." I hear her through the glass. I can't move, if I get up, I'll let her in, if I let her in, I'll kiss her, if I kiss her, I'll give in to anything she asks. "Please, Edward. Please. I need to talk to you."

I let out the deep breath I've been holding and walk slowly to the door. She'll have to say whatever it is through the glass. I lock my hands at my sides so they don't betray me by flinging open the door and pulling her close. "What do you want, Bella?" I force out.  
>"I want to talk to you. Won't you please let me in? It's raining cats and dogs out here, and it's hard to hear."<p>

I can't bear to look at her knowing she's out there in the pouring rain, so I look at my feet, "I can't, Bella. I just can't. It's over, it _has_ to be over" but I put my head against the cool glass, my body automatically moving to be closer to her.

She leans her head on the other side of the door and pleads, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please I… I…" I know she's sorry. She didn't have to come all the way over here in the rain to tell me that, and it doesn't change anything. I can't let it change anything. I feel her eyes on me as she says, "I love you, Edward. I love you." My head snaps up to meet her eyes; she looks scared, vulnerable.

My emotions flip from anger: _She… what? She loves me? What the fuck! Who does that shit to someone they love…_ to elation_: I don't know how long I've waited to hear those words from her mouth. Those might just be the best words I've ever heard…_ to disbelief: _She's only doing this now because I'm walking away. She's manipulating me_… back to anger:

"You love me? You fucking love me? I don't think you love me you don't even love yourself." My heart lurches, we both stand there frozen, looking at each other. When a bolt of lightning flashes across the sky, I can see her chest rising and falling and tears falling down her cheeks mixing with the raindrops. I want to open the door, pull her close, kiss away her tears and tell her everything is going to be OK, but I don't know if everything _is_ going to be OK.  
>"Edward, please…" I can barely hear her through the glass now, "I know I fucked up… I fucked everything up… I know I haven't been fair to you… or even nice to you most of the time, but I do love you. I do." She puts her hand on the glass and rests her head on her extended arm wiping away the rain and tears.<p>

"You know I… I _care_ about you, too" _care… a bold face lie, love, I love her_, "but I just can't. I can't. Please go home, Bella." I plead making sure not to look up at her for fear I'll crumble.

She flattens both hands on the glass, "OK, I'll leave, but I am not going to give up so easily. I'll prove I love you, I'll prove I deserve to be loved by you… I don't care what I have to do, or how long it takes." She sounds so determined, but I refuse to get my hopes up. She really, really hurt me, as much as I want her in my life, I will not put myself in that situation with her again. "I'll see you at school tomorrow. Have a good night." She says and then disappears over the railing and into the darkness.

I stand there stunned. I know she won't do anything to disturb her status quo. She's made that painfully clear this past week. When given the choice, she will always choose the easy way... how many times has she said she _needs Bella the Bitch._ Even if she does change, that won't change anything… will it? I start back to bed when I hear knocking on my bedroom door. Jesus! What now? It's probably Alice or Emmet… I wonder if they'll go away if I don't answer, but the door swings open slowly revealing my mother.

"Mom? What are you doing up here so late?"

"I don't think you know this, but I still walk around and check on all three of you when there is a bad storm… it's ingrained in me from all the years storms meant nightmares and hiding under the covers."

"I'm OK. Just got up to use the bathroom, I'm heading back to bed now." I say hoping that's the end of it.

"I heard you talking to someone. I didn't hear much, a random word here and there, but I could tell who it was by the tone of your voice. Are you sure you're OK?"

"Actually, no, I'm not sure. I don't know how to do this. I know I have to, I can't let anyone treat me like dirt, even Bella Swan, but it just hurts so much not to be with her. To think that I may never talk to her or touch her again."

"You'll be alright, baby." She walks over and gives me a 'mom' hug. I immediately put my head on her shoulder and wrap my arms around her to soak up as much comfort as possible. We haven't hugged like this in a long time, but man, do I need it now. I know I sound like a pussy, but sometimes it's just nice to get a hug from mom. "You really love her?"

"Yeah, I do. It sucks."

"I know you're hurting, honey, but give it time. You may eventually realize that you don't really love her, at least not the way you think you do now," I grimace and shake my head unbelievingly at those words, so she continues, "Sometimes people grow up and realize what's truly important in life. Or maybe Bella will change, she may become someone you can put your trust into… in time. Or maybe you will find someone more deserving of you,"

"She crushed me, mom. I feel like she literally ripped me open with her bare hands. I don't know if I can ever let her in again even if she does seem to change. I want to seal myself off and never take another chance to have my heart broken. But I know my emotions aren't real, that my love for her is real.

"Do whatever you feel you need to do. I am always on your side. I will always be here for you. I want you to be happy, no matter what that means. But I will say this, time heals and what is meant to be will happen… as long as you don't close yourself off to _any_ possibilities down the road." She smiles knowingly at me and backs away squeezing my hand.

"OK, mom, I'll try to keep an open mind."

"Good. Now get some sleep, it's late and you have school in the morning." She steps out of the room shutting the door behind her.

I fall back into bed, wishing for sleep to take me right away, but like Emmet always says wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which one fills up first. I spend the night tossing and turning while my thoughts race through my head at light speed. By the time I drift off, it's after 3:00am, but I've made some decisions that I feel good about.

First, I am going to stop clinging to the walls during school. I am going to walk down the hallways like I belong there. Second, I'm going to start keeping my head up, meeting people's eyes instead of staring at my feet. I'm also going to smile at people rather than scowl or look away. Third, I am going to start talking to my peers, in class, in the hallways, before and after school and during lunch, which leads me to number four. I'm going to eat in the cafeteria like a normal high school student. Finally, I'm going to move on from Bella, find someone who wants me as much as I want her, someone not embarrassed to be seen in public with me. That last thought makes my already aching heart hurt a little more, but I _have_ to. I can do this, I know I can.

Monday morning, I wake up a little earlier than usual to shower and shave, so I can head down to consult with Alice about my attire. I hear Rhianna singing about a _Rude Boy _as I approach her room. I knock loudly and after a couple of seconds she opens the door in her fuzzy pink robe and Oscar the Grouch slippers.

She looks at me curiously, "Edward? What's up? You don't usually stop by before school. Are you OK?"

"Um, yeah, I'm alright…" I say as I run my hand through my hair nervously. "I was hoping you would help me pick out something to wear for school?" It comes out as a question.

She just stands there with her hands on her hips, her mouth slightly ajar, staring at me as if I've grown a third eye. "Not that I'm not thrilled that you've finally come to your senses and asked me for fashion tips, but why?"

I sigh and lean against her doorframe, "I had a long talk with Dad on Friday night and that mixed with everything that happened with… made it abundantly clear I need to make some changes. I want to seem more approachable, friendlier."

When she's done clapping her hands and jumping up and down, she takes my hand and practically drags me back to my room. "You have all the necessary tools, Edward, you just don't know how to use them. She marches into my closet with me in tow and surveys what she has to work with. She pulls a couple of things from the hangers and heads back into the room. "OK, if you want people to actually notice you, you have to wear some color." I grimace when she says this, but she ignores me pulling out a plaid button down and pairing it with a tight blue short sleeved t-shirt and a pair of Diesel blue jeans I've never worn. She lays them out on the bed for my perusal; it's not my usual black jeans and grey t-shirt, but it's not outrageous either. I'm actually kind of relieved, Alice can come up with some weird combinations sometimes… they always look good, but I'm not ready for outrageous yet.

"Ok?" She asks looking for my approval.

"Yeah, not too bad. I can handle this."

"Good. Wear the ankle boots I gave you for your birthday. They'll complete the new look nicely." She smiles and heads for the door.

"Hey, Alice?"

"Yeah?"  
>"I'm thinking about heading to the cafeteria for lunch today, do you think I can sit at your table?" I ask feeling very vulnerable.<p>

"Of course, silly! You're always welcome to eat with us. Do you want to meet me outside the caf so you don't have to walk in by yourself?"

She knows me so well. It's obvious she can see how hard this is for me and she wants to support this new found interest in the human race as much as possible. I nod in affirmation.  
>"OK, see you then…" leaves the room, but pokes her head back in, "I'm really happy you decided to do this. I know it'll be hard for you, but we'll all be there for you. We love you." And then she disappears from sight. I hear her humming a random tune as she floats down the stairs.<p>

I pull into school 10 minutes earlier than usual to give myself time to psych myself up. Just because I've ignored almost everyone for years, doesn't mean it has to stay that way. "I CAN do this. I can." I say to myself out loud while gripping the steering wheel so hard my hands hurt. I take a couple of deep breaths to steady myself, grab my bag off the passenger seat and head into school.

Usually, I would walk straight to my locker, grab my stuff and head directly to 1st period ignoring everyone along the way, but today, I walk in and look around. I notice things I've never noticed – or at least never registered- before, like the fact that the walls above the chipping blue lockers are full of painted murals signed by past students, some old and fading and some newer and bright. Some of the ceiling tiles have signs of water damage and are sagging in the middle. People are looking at me as if I'm some kind of alien, but just before I start to panic, I feel Alice grab my hand. She whispers, "It's OK, just be yourself" and I feel better. I take another steadying breath as she leads me further down the hallway. Surprisingly, Emmet, Jasper, and Rosalie are standing around my locker as if this is where they usually hang out in the morning. I know what they are doing and while it sickens me that they feel the need to do this, I am extraordinarily grateful.

Once I'm sure I have everything I need for my first few classes, I close and lock my locker and turn toward my family, "So, I take it Alice told you guys?" I say turning my eyes toward the floor in embarrassment. I feel like an idiot. What 17-year-old boy needs to be surrounded by his family in order to act normal at school? "You guys don't have to do this."

Emmet steps forward and puts his hand on my shoulder. "We know you can do fine on your own, Bro. We're just trying to show you how happy we are you decided to come back to the land of the living." I look up to meet his eyes, searching for pity, but I see nothing but genuine happiness, so I nod my head slightly in acknowledgement. They all smile and return to the conversation they were having before my arrival.

"Rosie, I want to go away _alone_ over winter break. I don't want my little sister and your little brother hanging around. I want you to be able to scream my name in ecstasy a hundred times at the top of your lungs, and not worry about Alice and Jasper hearing."

Rose rolls her eyes and smacks the back of his head, "Emmet can't we keep our love-life to ourselves once in a while? Jeesh! You'd think all we do is fuck like rabbits!"

"Yes, _PLEASE_ keep those comments to yourself!" Alice interjects in a disgusted tone.

"Oh, no, baby, I'm no bunny rabbit. I'm more like a walrus." Emmet smiles proudly at his comment while Jasper, Rose and I stare at him in utter confusion.

Alice must understand what he means because shakes her head, covers her ears, grabs Jazz's hand and walks away saying, "Oh, no, no, no, TMI motherfucker! TMI!"

"What the fuck are you talking about Emmet?" Rose finally asks when it becomes apparent Em isn't going to enlighten us any time soon.

"You know, walruses have the biggest shlongs of like… everyone." He beams looking back and forth between Rose and me. "Alice and I watched 50 First Dates over the weekend… you know Adam Sandler's character tells Drew Berrymore that walruses have the biggest cocks in the world." The look on his face is so childlike and earnest while casually comparing the size of his penis to a sea mammal, that I forget myself momentarily and laugh, loudly.

Rose shakes her head at him in exasperation, but can't hide her own smile. "I love you, you big dumb, _walrus_! But sometimes I wonder about what goes through your head." She laces her hand through his, stands up on her toes, and says, "Come on, babe, let's go check… I'm sure a walrus has nothing on you." And my laugh dies quickly in my throat. Um, gross.

The bell rings, so I head to first period. For once, I'm not the first person in class. I catch Angela's eyes as I walk through the door and greet her with a nod and a smile. Starting with someone I'm already sort of friendly with seems like a good idea. She returns the gesture, but looks uncertain. We've been in this class together for weeks now, and this is the first time I've acknowledged her presence. I lean over the empty desk that is currently in between us and say, "Hi, Ang. How was your weekend?"

"Oh, it was good. How about yours?"

I should have thought that one through, of course she would ask me about mine, not wanting to dump stuff on her, but not wanting to lie either I say, "Enlightening. How's Ben?"

She smiles brightly, "He's so good. We're very happy."

I nod, "I'm glad. You two deserve it. Looks like class is about to start, I'll talk to you later." She nods in agreement and pulls out her notebook. Just as the tardy bell rings, Maggie Delaney rushes in and takes her usual seat between Angela and me with a huff. She begins muttering under her breath while shaking her head, making me chuckle.  
>She stops what she's doing and looks over at me seemingly startled. I don't blame her, we have had at least one class together every semester since 7th grade and I don't think she's ever heard my voice. After a few seconds, she smiles with a shrug and whispers, "I'm having a hell of a morning!"<p>

I nod in understanding and add with a smile of my own "me, too." She continues to smile at me on and off throughout class.

By the time lunch rolls around, I have actually had four separate conversations with four separate people - including Angela and Maggie during 1st period. I'm pretty proud of myself. It has been very stressful and I really had to work at it, but as the morning went on and people responded to my friendliness, I found it easier to keep my head up and smile. I am more tired than usual, for some reason being friendly has taken a lot out of me.

I dump my books in my locker, grab my stuff for Biology – Fuck! Biology… I don't even want to think about it now- and head to meet Alice in front of the cafeteria. Her smile lights up her whole face as she sees me coming.

"Hey there, Bro. How was your morning?"

"Good. It's been stressful, but good." I go to push the doors open, but she stops me.

"You ready for this? It's a lot of people. People you haven't talked to in years." She looks worriedly at me.

I take a deep breath, let it out slowly and run my fingers through my hair, "I'm good. Let's go" I push the doors open and walk in. I can feel several pairs of eyes on me as we make our way to the lunch line, but for the most part the chatter doesn't wane and people do not stop what they're doing just to stare at me. This is going better than I thought. Alice and I both grab a slice of cheese pizza and an apple juice and take it back to their usual table. I take the seat that is closest to the wall facing the door. I look around as I slowly eat my lunch. I tell myself I'm just taking in my surroundings, but I know I'm really looking for Bella.

About 10 minutes into the period, I'm laughing with Alice at my brother's expense. "What? You don't think mom and dad will let me? I'm 18, an adult. They don't have a choice!" Emmet whines, which just makes us laugh even harder.

Alice says through her giggle, "Go ahead, try telling that to mom. She'll love it! There is no way in hell mom is letting you take Rose up to the cabin by yourself, over Christmas!"

"She might…" Em tries under his breath. Alice and I look at each other and start the laughing fit all over again.

As I'm wiping the tears from under my eyes, I see her. She walks in with her groupies following her. They are talking animatedly, but she is quiet. She looks paler than usual, with dark circles under her eyes and the sparkle that usually graces her large chocolate doe eyes is missing. I wonder if she slept at all last night. I want so badly to walk across the room, take her in my arms and tell her everything is going to be OK, but I can't. Our eyes meet briefly, she looks surprised, then happy, then sad all within a matter of seconds. I try to make my eyes hard as steel. I need her to stay away.

I feel Alice's hand squeeze mine reassuringly, evidently having seen her walk in as well, but she keeps up with the current conversation at the table. I try to listen. I try to participate, but it's not really working. Bella is now sitting in her usual seat at her usual table, which faces away from me. I find myself getting really pissed off! What happened to _'I'll do anything to show you I love you.'_ She said she would prove it to me… well she is not off to a very good start. I knew I couldn't get my hopes up. It was just another manipulation. Goddamn it! While I am trying to bore a hole in the back of her head with my eyes she laughs, and I feel myself soften. I love her laugh.

And then all hell breaks loose. Lauren catches me staring and holds my eyes as a nasty, cold, smile creeps across her face. Shit! She leans over the table and says something to Bella nodding in my direction. I quickly look away before Bella can look over and catch me herself, so I miss what happens next, but I hear chairs scraping the floor and then raised female voices… one in particular, Bella. I look back to her table to find her leaning across the table, inches from Lauren's face. The screaming match continues and then, Bella pulls her arm back and hits her… right in the nose… again. She moves, but instead of walking toward the exit, she walks over to our table. As she approaches, I can see that she is flushed pink on every inch of exposed skin. I find myself extremely turned on. Damn it, not now! She greets me with a tentative smile and bites her lower lip.

"Um, Edward, can I talk to you in private? Please?" she asks quietly. My tongue is tied. I want nothing more to say, yes, but I know I should say, no, so I just don't say anything. The entire table is looking at her. Alice smiles and her eyes sparkle – What the fuck, I'll have to talk to her about that later- Rose looks utterly confused, mouth slightly agape, Jasper's eyes bug out of his head as mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water, and Emmet glares at her with ice in his usually calm blue eyes. Finally, she pleads again, "Edward, please… I just want to talk." I still can't seem to find my voice.

Emmet stands up to his full height and says down to her, "I don't think so. You had months to 'talk to him in private' and now you're done. I'm not going to let you hurt him again. Go away, Bella."

Bella looks like he slapped her and she starts to cry. She begins backing away; perhaps just noticing now that everyone in the entire cafeteria is watching this encounter. Even Lauren, who is holding blood soaked napkins over her nose, is looking this way. You can hear a pin drop it is so quit in the usually loud cafeteria. The door opens and the nurse rushes over to Lauren while the Dean makes eye contact with Bella. She's going to get suspended, for sure.

Suddenly, she stands up as tall as she can and she turns around, wiping the tears from her cheeks and stalks over to me. "If we can't talk in private, then we'll just have to talk here. I love you, Edward." She leans over and kisses me, hard and passionate, then looks at me. I have never seen her so determined, "I told you I wouldn't give up, that I would do whatever it takes to get you back, to prove myself to you. I'm done with _them_ and Bella the Bitch" her voice rings out through the room loud and clear. Then a little quieter she says, "I hope one day you can forgive me for being so horrible to you, for hurting you, and taking advantage of you. I really hope so, because you are it for me. I've loved you since we were little, I loved you when I was gone and couldn't talk to you, I love you now, more than ever, and I will always love you- always. I'll wait until you're ready—if you ever are —please just think about it." She leans over and kisses me one last time before turning on her heel and walking right to Dean Randall who is still standing at the door looking a little dumbfounded. She follows him out of the room without looking back.

I don't know what the hell to think let alone feel. This is what I've wanted since the beginning, I wish it wasn't quite so public, but this is what I always wished she would do. Hell, if this had happened last Monday I'd be outside kissing her, pushing her body up against the rough brick wall, but today, I can't allow myself to go there. I spent all weekend convincing myself to let her go. I actually made good on my promise to be more open to people, despite the fact that my heart feels like it's been through a meat grinder. Right now, I kind of feel numb… which is good, because I still have to get through the rest of the day. I look around to find everyone staring at me. There is a quiet muttering throughout the room—or maybe they are talking at a regular volume and I'm just stunned half-deaf. Lauren finally allows the nurse to take her back to her office and the rest of the groupies are staring at me in astonishment.

"Do you want to leave, Edward?" I hear my brother's deep voice laced with concern. I know he's really worried because he actually used my whole given name. I look up at him still dazed and shake my head no. He does a slow 360-degree turn staring everyone down; daring anyone to say a word or make a move. As he sits back down, the chatter in the room starts to get louder and louder until the atmosphere seems back to normal. I would believe it was a dream, but Tori, Bree, and Jessica are alternating between whispering amongst themselves and sneaking glances at me.

When the bell rings, I walk straight to Biology trying to ignore the looks and whispers around me. At least the Bio issue is solved, temporarily, I'm sure she won't be here today… probably for the rest of the week, maybe not next week either. I take my seat and pull out the textbook hoping that if I look busy, people will just ignore me. It seems to work until Jessica walks straight over to me and puts her hands down on the desk with a slap!

"What was that?" she asks. I look up at her briefly, and then go back to my book. "Come on, Edward. What _was_ that?"

I pinch the bridge of my nose with my thumb and forefinger to buy a second, and then run both hands through my already ragged hair before responding, "I think you should talk to your friend. I'm still not exactly sure what happened myself."

She takes her hands off my table and rests them on her hips, "You're not going to tell me anything, are you?"

I shake my head, "Nope" I say popping the 'P' at the end. She huffs and stomps off to sit next to Newton.

The rest of the day is quiet… literally quiet. Every time I walk into a room, everyone stops talking. My good mood from this morning and the strides I made at connecting with people are both forgotten. When the last bell sounds, I practically sprint to the sanctity of my car without even stopping at my locker. It seems for the first time in my academic career, I will not be completing all my homework assignments. I briefly consider waiting until the building clears out a little and going back, but decide against it. As I pull out, I see the Chief's cruiser parked in the lot next to Bella's beat up old truck.

I make it home in record time, which is really saying something with my driving habits, and run right up to my room without stopping to talk to mom. I just need some time by myself. Once I'm in my room I feel the blessed numbness give way to a multitude of emotions. Anger at the situation, at Lauren for pulling Bella into her evil web, at the boys who took advantage of Bella's naiveté and need to be liked, at the stupid middle school principal for suspending me longer than her, even at her mother for taking her away in the first place, but most of all I'm angry with her for allowing all of this to happen, for not standing up for herself and for standing up for me too late, and with myself for still wanting her. Sadness, for the situation, for poor Bella Note who thought she had to become someone else to fit in, and for me for still loving her. Happiness because she loves me… she really loves me! She wants me like I want her. I can have her… we can be together. Then finally, hopelessness, because I cannot allow myself to get involved with her again, I would look like an idiot, a fool. She could change her mind; this could have been a fluke wave of confidence and she could go right back to Bella the Bitch. I just can't let it happen… no matter how badly I want it to.

I hear knocking on the door and discover it has gotten darker out. I must have fallen asleep. "Come in."

"Hey, mom asked me to come get you for dinner." Alice says with a small smile. Remembering her look at lunch, I raise my eyebrow in question. "What?" she asks.

"What? What was that at lunch?" She smiles again and I want to slap it right of her face, "Alice, I'm in no fucking mood. What the fuck was that?" I bite out.

"I'm glad she finally came to her senses, that's what. It took her long enough, but she finally did it… very publicly, I might add." She says, smile still intact, I don't think I've ever been so pissed off at my sister.

"Again, what the fuck, Alice? Last week you wanted to beat the shit out of her because of the way she treated me and now you're all smiles?"

"Oh, I still want to kick her ass for how she treated you, but I know this will work itself out… as long as she keeps being honest with herself – and you." I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration and shake my head at her in disbelief. "I told you before, I had a _feeling_ you guys are meant to be… you know one of my special _feelings_, the one I got with Rose and Emmet and Jasper and me?"

"It's still high school. Sure, you guys all look happy and may be together forever, but you don't know definitively."

Alice waves her hand dismissively before saying, "I _know_, OK? If you want more proof, how about the time I made Emmet cancel that big party when mom and dad went out of town, because I knew something would happen, and what happened, they came home early and we all would have gotten busted… or the time I told you not to take main street and you didn't listen to me and you got a ticket… or the time I"

I put my hands up in defeat, "OK, OK, I get it, I get it, but think it's too late. I just can't. I can't risk having my heart ripped out again."

She shakes her head, "You've been in love with each other practically your whole lives… even if I did start doubting myself last week_._ She's ready to change, I know it."

"Whose side are you on? I mean, Jesus, she spends the last four months treating me like a damn disease, and makes one declaration of love and all of a sudden your all _'you belong together'' you love each other'_ _so forgive her and move on, as easy as that_" I snap my fingers in her face, "That's bullshit!"

"Whoa, I didn't say just forgive her and move on. I think that it will take a lot of work for her to earn your trust back, for you to work past your insecurities and allow her back in, for you guys to actually make it work for the long haul. I'm just saying it will all work out and that it will be worth it in the end. So, don't completely give up, keep an open mind. See if she really is trying to change."

I sigh deeply and hunch my shoulders before giving in and squeaking out, "You really think that? You really had a _feeling_ about Bella and me?"

"Ever since you got into that fight over her in 8th grade… I used to say it all the time…"

"Used to? See, even you thought it was time to give up."

"Yeah, used to… until last week. Bella had me doubting my special _feelings_ for the first time in my life after she pulled that shit at school and whatever she did to you at the party Friday night," I flinch when she says that. I had hoped that Emmet was the only one who knew, "but after lunch today, I realized my _feelings_ are NEVER wrong. I know how happy you two could be together… once all this shit gets cleared up." Finally, a small ray of hope in the abyss that is my life right now.

"I'll think about it, OK? For now, can we just not talk about it anymore?"

"Whatever you want, BaBa, now let's go eat. I'm starving and mom made homemade enchiladas." She says with a wide smile and a quick hug before taking off down the stairs. I walk down after her feeling a little lighter than I have in over a week.

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><p><strong>AN: Hope you liked it… they're working their way back to each other, it's just gonna take time. Ch 14 is started and basically written in my head, I just need to put it on paper, but the next couple of weeks are going to be pretty intense for me, so I'll try to post within the next couple of weeks, but I can't make any promises. Please don't hate me! As always thank you for reading and leave me a note! **


	14. Chapter 14: Brave

**Do I really need to keep putting up disclaimers? I don't think so… everyone already knows I don't own these characters and I'm not making any money from manipulating them. Also, by now, if you are under age and still reading this story, I have feeling my feeble little warning at the beginning of every chapter won't dissuade you, so from now on, no disclaimers.**

**A/N: I love the reviews, they are always so awesome! Sorry this took so damn long, but RL has been kicking my ass. I hope you are all still out there. Enjoy!**

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><p>Self Esteem Ch 14: Brave<p>

Bella:

"I love you Edward. I love you" There, I said it and now that I have, I realize that it doesn't matter if he doesn't return my sentiment. Just saying it aloud is cathartic. Even so, I stand on the balcony feeling very vulnerable, praying for Edward to say _something_. When he finally meets my eyes, I know it's going to be bad.

"You love me? You fucking love me? I don't think you love me you don't even love yourself." he yells. We just stand there looking at each other. My heart breaks for the pain I see in his eyes. I may deserve every bit of pain I feel, but he sure doesn't. I have to at least try to help him.

I lower my voice, but step forward so he can still hear me, "Edward, please. I know I fucked up… I fucked everything up… I know I haven't been fair to you… or even nice to you most of the time, but I do love you. I do." I wipe the mixture of tears and rain on my already soaked shirt

After what seems like an eternity, he finally speaks, "You know I… I _care_ about you, too… but I just can't. I can't. Please go home, Bella." Even though he is pleading with me to leave, I feel hopeful because he said he cares about me too! God how I wish he would just unlock the door so I can hold him and make him feel OK again. I put my hands flat on the glass, wishing that he would mimic my actions on the other side, but he just stands there.

"OK, I'll leave, but I am not going to give up so easily. I'll prove I love you, I'll prove I deserve to be loved by you… I don't care what I have to do, or how long it takes. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Have a good night." Then I quickly turn without another glance, climb over the railing and down the tree, hoping I won't fall.

I am literally dripping wet when I reach my truck. I think I see a light on the second floor flicker, but I'm too busy shaking from the cold and my argument with Edward to really care. I drive home quickly wanting to make it home and be cleaned up before Charlie knows I left the house. Luckily, his car isn't in the driveway when I pull up, so I rush inside, pealing my wet clothes off as I head up the stairs to take a hot shower.

While I'm waiting for the water to warm up, I look at myself in the mirror. I am a mess. My hair is plastered to my wet skin and my eyes are red and puffy from all the crying I have done this weekend. This has been one of the worst weekends of my life… but it helped me realize that I do not want to be Bella the Bitch anymore. I want a new life. One where I have friends instead of "_friends"_ in quotation marks, where I can trust the people around me. One where people respect me because I'm a good person, not because they fear me. A life where I'm not this shell of the decent person I used to be. I don't know how I will do it, but I'm going to try. I can only pray that Edward will eventually be a part of my new life.

I am just hopping into bed when I hear the gravel crunching under the cruiser's tires in the driveway. I hear the door close downstairs and then Charlie's feet on the steps a few minutes later. Poor dad, he must be exhausted, its 2:45am. Usually he goes right to bed, but I hear him open my door softly and walk in, I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. I feel his warm hand brush some stray hair off my forehead before he mumbles, "Love you, Bells, so glad you're safe." I wonder what happened, I know how much he loves me; we have an unspoken understanding, but he doesn't dole out affection without a reason. The feel of his hand on my forehead and the comforting smell of leather and gun oil soothe my racing mind and aching heart enough for me to relax.

I must have drifted off while Charlie was in the room because the next time I look at the clock, it reads 5:16am. I groan and try to fall back to sleep, but after several minutes of tossing and turning, it is obviously not gonna happen. I pull out my I-Pod and put on my "Edward" play list. It has a little of everything, just like his music tastes, some classical piano and guitar, some Breaking Benjamin, Muse, Florence & the Machine, some Buddy Guy, and even FloRida. I finally get out of bed an hour or so later, thinking I'll actually have time for a decent breakfast. I make pancakes and leave a plate for Charlie in the microwave, so he has something decent to eat when he gets up. I take my time getting ready for school and drive nice and slow to campus. I am not looking forward to today. I park in my regular spot and see my ever loyal 'groupies' talking animatedly while heading my way. They descend on me before I am even fully out of the truck.

Lauren speaks first, as usual, "Did you hear about that horrible accident last night?"

"Yeah, my dad was called in to help with it, but he didn't give me any details, why?"

"Alec Afton… you remember him don't you?" A wicked smile plays across her lips. Bitch!

"Of course I remember him!" I interrupt before she can say another word.

"Oh, well you've been with so many since him I wasn't sure… anyway he got arrested for drunk driving last night after hitting some woman and her teenage daughter. They are both in the hospital in critical condition."

No wonder Charlie was so upset last night. "Do you know who got hurt?"

"She was just some lady on vacation with her kid… why anyone would want to vacation near fucking Forks is beyond me, but that's the story I got." She tends to get this kind of gossip first because her mom is the registrar in the local ER. "Isn't that just horrible! Now Alec will have a record, he may even go to jail! What a waste of a gorgeous hunk of meat… and a damn good lay" everyone but Jessica nods their heads solemnly.

I look at her incredulously. She is upset about the effect this may have on Alec's life? What about the poor woman and her daughter… you know the victim of the dumbass drunk driver! I don't know why I'm surprised, I shouldn't be. They are making it much easier to pull away from them. At least Jess has the decency to look disturbed at their reaction; maybe we could actually be friends again at some point. She is really the only person from my life as Bella the Bitch that I am going to miss.

I walk toward the school, hoping they will take a hint when I don't respond to them, but they follow anyway. When we walk through the double doors into the school, I hear my favorite sound in the world, Edward's laughter. I follow the sound to find him by his locker surrounded by Alice, Emmet, Jasper, and Rosalie. He looks happy. The sight makes me smile, until I realize he is happy without me. When the bell rings, I wave the girls off and follow Edward down the hallway. He is wearing actual color, designer jeans and… are those Diesel boots? His head is up and he nods to a few people along the way. They look almost as surprised as I do. When he disappears into his classroom, I stand by the door listening. He actually makes conversation with Angela. I'm so stunned I can't move. Then Maggie something or other whizzes past me looking frazzled. When I hear the second bell ring less than a second later, I realize why. Shit! I'm late for first period and I haven't even hit my locker.

I quickly gather my things for morning classes and head to my first class, hoping I don't get detention for being tardy. No luck, Ms. Makenna is standing at the door with detention slip in hand. Double shit! Throughout the morning, I can't pay attention to my lessons, my mind is on Edward.

The way the deep blue of his shirt brings out the delicious green of his eyes. How the new jeans make his ass look perfect. Why is he so different today of all days? He has spent the first two years and a couple of months of high school, not to mention most of 8th grade trying not to be noticed. Not talking to anyone or really even acknowledging them—even his family. He was seemingly in his own little world during school hours. Maybe he really does feel better without me. Maybe now that he has me out of his system, he feels like he can move on? That seems pretty self-centered though. I don't know what to think. I want nothing more than for him to be happy; he deserves it more than anyone does. So maybe I should just leave him alone now that he is making an effort with people. I don't know. It may not even matter what I think because he may not ever want to speak to me again…" With that thought, my heart breaks a little further and I know I can't face him today… probably not until I figure out how to take my life back. I decide I'll skip Biology today and worry about it tomorrow. I don't like cutting class, but I just can't deal.

As lunch approaches, I walk robotically toward my locker where _they_ are waiting for me. Can't they just leave me alone? I know I'm going to have to actually say something, do something, so they know I want out… I just haven't figured out how yet. So, being the spineless jellyfish that I am, I go along with our usual routine.

We go to the bathroom so Tori and Lauren can fix their make-up, Bree can text Riley, and I can use the facilities. Then we walk into the cafeteria a few minutes late. I don't really want to be here. I am not hungry at all and I'm in no mood to deal with anyone's shit. At least he won't be here; he hasn't once eaten in the cafeteria since I've been back. So I'm stunned when I look around and find him sitting with his family in the middle of the cafeteria. He's laughing again, this time he is laughing so hard he's in tears. I die a little more inside. I briefly wonder if anyone can tell I'm the walking dead, but then I realize no one would actually care.

It is then that my eyes meet Edward's. He is still smiling and for a second I think he is smiling at me. A flicker of surprise flows through me, then happiness, then depression because I know that smile can't be for me… a fact that is proved a second later when he looks at me like he wants to push me off a bridge. Fuck!

We head to our table and I make sure I have my usual seat which faces away from Edward. I am staring into space not really paying attention while they chatter about nonsense around me, until I hear Jess say "Damn it, I broke a nail!" then she flips up her middle finger giving me the bird and says with a smile, "What do you think, Bella? Can it be saved?' I know she is trying to get me to lighten up; maybe someone does care if I'm the walking dead after all. I laugh at her childish antics. It's the first real laugh I've had in days. I am going to miss her.

Then out of the corner of my eye, I see Lauren sneer. She leans over and stage whispers, "Your boyfriend is looking at you again" she nods her head behind me in the general direction of Edward. I immediately stiffen.

"Leave it alone, Lauren." I warn.

"Leave what alone. That fuck head freak thinks he can stare all longingly at you when you aren't looking. Idiot. He shouldn't be allowed to eat with the rest of us; he is such a fucking loser! We should go over there and remind him of his place… you'd think last week would have been good enough, but no, he must be stupid too!" She laughs and Tori and Bree join her, Jess just stares at me with wide eyes.

My anger had been building since the beginning of her speech. I could feel the fury burning inside me with every word. By time she's finished, I know my entire body must be purple and shaking. "He is not a loser, you fucking bitch. I won't allow you to say that shit about him anymore… hell about anyone." I spit out as I stand and lean over the table, my face just inches from hers.

She laughs under her breath. "I knew it! I fucking knew it! You fucked him too, didn't you? You have really hit a new low to allow him to touch you… although you've never been too selective before, so I don't know why I'm surprised." She laughs louder now, while I stand there trying not to rip her head off. "He must be so happy… how often does someone like him get to fuck someone like you? Hmm, maybe you just ran out of choices and decided to throw him a bone!"

I know I deserve the way she talks about me so I ignore that, but I won't let what she said about Edward go, "He is the sweetest, kindest, most generous, wonderful person I have ever met. He is a gentleman, even when he doesn't need to be and he is loyal. He is not a freak, just shy. If you were to take the time to get to know him, you'd know… on second thought, you don't deserve to be in the same room with him. He's too good for you… a better person than you could ever hope to be!" My voice is much louder than I intend, and I can feel people starting to look at us.

"He's trash, a nobody. What, did he fuck all the sense out of you with is three inch dick in the back of his mommy's minivan?"

That's it, I've had enough! "I was right the first time, Lauren. You are a fucking cunt!" I scream back as my fist collides with her face for the second time. Blood starts pouring down her face. Tori hands her a stack of napkins. The hum of the cafeteria becomes frantic. I decide that I may as well try to talk to Edward again. I don't know what is going to happen to me… I'll at least be suspended, maybe even expelled for this. I don't care, it was worth it.

I try to smile as I approach him, but end up just biting my lip. "Um, Edward, can I talk to you in private? Please?" I ask barely above a whisper. He doesn't say anything, so I decide to beg, "Edward, please… I just want to talk." I can feel everyone's eyes on me. The room is deathly quiet. They are all waiting to see what happens next.

I don't move my eyes from Edward as Emmet answers me, "I don't think so. You had months to 'talk to him in private' and now you're done. I'm not going to let you hurt him again. Go away, Bella." I flinch at his words. He was always friendly towards me before, but now that I've hurt his brother, I'm seeing the side of him that makes freshman football players quake in their cleats. I walk backwards a few steps, tears flowing freely down my cheeks while pleading for Edward to talk to me with my eyes. Behind me, I hear the doors open and I turn around to see Dean Randall here, no doubt for me. I know I have run out of time.

It is then that I decide as long as I'm doomed anyway, I might as well make it crystal clear that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get Edward back. I straighten up, turn around to face him and walk purposefully over to him, "If we can't talk in private, then we'll just have to talk here. I love you, Edward." I lean over and kiss him with all the love and passion I can, hoping to show him I'm not going to back down.

"I told you I wouldn't give up; that I would do whatever it takes to get you back, to prove myself to you. I'm done with _them_ and Bella the Bitch. I hope one day you can forgive me for being so horrible to you, for hurting you, and taking advantage of you. I really hope so, because you are it for me. I've loved you since we were little, I loved you when I was gone and couldn't talk to you, I love you now, more than ever, and I will always love you- always. I'll wait until you're ready—if you ever are —please just think about it." I kiss him again for emphasis… and just in case it's the last time I ever can, turn around and walk directly to the doors, steadfastly ignoring everyone staring at me.

When I reach Dean Randall, he opens the doors for me and we walk down the hall in silence. "Mrs. Cope, can you pull Isabella Swan's file for me?" he asks as we breeze through the outer office into his much smaller—and somehow more intimidating- office. He sits behind his desk and looking at me while I squirm in the uncomfortable seat across from him.

"Here's the file," Mrs. Cope says sweetly, laying it on his desk in front of him. She offers me a small smile full of pity as she closes the door on her way out. Dean Randall shuffles through my file.

"Well, I've never seen you in my office before, but I have heard all about you from others." Dean Randall says. I cringe, but don't say anything… you know plead the 5th and all. "You're second in your class and other than some detentions nothing here indicates that you are prone to violence…" He trails off as he reads the next page, "There is a discipline note here from middle school. You were suspended for fighting in eighth grade... for fighting the same girl that you hit today it seems." He puts the file down and raises his eyebrows in question. I just shrug. He sighs. "Is there a reason you are so volatile with, Ms. Mallory?" He keeps his eyes on me waiting for an answer.

"She's a horrible person. She puts everyone down; she exploits weak minded, eager individuals for her own use and then throws them away. She has always been this way and I don't see her ever changing." I say back with confidence borrowed from some unknown source.

"I've heard the same thing about you." He counters. Jesus! Isn't there such a thing as student/Dean confidentiality?

"I know. I'm turning over a new leaf. I don't want to be that person anymore." I manage barely above a whisper.

"And you chose to do this by breaking another student's nose?" He questions. I just shrug again. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

I spend a few moments thinking… do I? Should I beg for mercy? Should I cry? Should I tell the whole sordid story? But in the end, I go with what needs to be said… even if I end up screwing myself over, "I'm not sorry I did it. She deserved it." I lean back in the chair and cross my arms over my chest, hoping to look more confident than I feel.

"Would you like to tell me what went down in the cafeteria? What she did to deserve it today?" I look down studying my now shaking hands, but don't speak, "OK, Miss Swan. School policy for a first-time offense like this – I will disregard the discipline note based on the fact that it didn't happen in my school – is suspension for up to 10 days." He leans back in his chair matching my position, "I've called your dad and he should be here any time now."

We sit in silence in our mirrored positions, apparently waiting for Charlie… Fuck! I am trying so hard not to cry. I don't know how this will go over with him. I may never be allowed out of the house again… not that I'll have any semblance of a social life after today. Plus, this could ruin my chances at getting into a good college and I've worked so hard to stay at the top of my class… 2nd, I'm sure Edward is 1st. I don't mind being second to him. Shit! I don't know how Lauren and the rest of the sluts will react after what I did to protect Edward. It could be bad for him and if I'm suspended for 10 days, I won't be there to put them in their place. I don't know how long my mind has been swimming, when there is a knock at the door. The Dean gets up and lets Charlie in.

"Chief Swan. I'm sorry to have to pull you out of work." He shakes Charlie's hand firmly.

He just nods and looks in my direction, "What happened, Bells?" He walks over and takes the seat next to me while Dean Randall goes back to his power seat. I avert my eyes so I don't have to see the disappointment in Charlie's eyes.

The Dean fills Charlie in when it's obvious I'm not going to say anything. "Apparently, there was a verbal altercation in the cafeteria, and Bella hit another student in the face. I'm no medical professional, but I believe her nose is broken. She will be suspended for 10 days."

Charlie sighs and shakes his head in understanding, "Yes, Lauren Mallory has a broken nose. She called the station wanting to press charges, but I talked her out of it. So… what happened, Bells?" Charlie looks at me sternly, and I break down. The tears I had been holding at bay start streaming down my cheeks and I can't find my voice, so I shake my head and shrug, not wanting to talk about it. I hear him sigh and pull his chair closer before feeling his arms around me, which only makes me cry harder.

"Chief, I'll um… give you two a few minutes." Dean Randall says uncomfortably already heading for the door.

As soon as we hear the click, Charlie sits back a little and looks at me. He seems to be struggling with what to say before finally saying, "Bells, I know I'm not the easiest person to talk to, but I am your dad. You can tell me anything."

"It's OK, Dad. I'm fine." I sniffle wiping the tears off my face.

"No, you're not. You've been getting more and more distant. This weekend you were like a zombie… this isn't because of Jake, is it?" He asks in a knowing voice. "Maybe you should go live with your mother… maybe it would be easier to talk to her?" He says quietly and I start to panic. It's one thing not to be with Edward, it's another thing entirely not to be able to see him or be near him. Besides, I can't live with Mom and Phil, at 17 I'd be the only adult in the house. I love them both, but he's an overgrown kid still playing baseball with his drinking buddies and she is still searching for what she wants to be when she grows up. I can't go back to that. "No, Dad. Please, I don't want to go… please don't make me leave." I plead.

"I don't want you to go, kid. I love having you here, but I know something is going on. You have to talk to me. I don't know what to do here." He admits, scrubbing his face with his hands. "You don't hit people; you don't sneak out of the house…" I blanch at that one knowing I've been busted, "you don't make scenes in front of the whole school…" I look at him with wide eyes, "Yeah, Lauren was pretty chatty with the deputies. You have to tell me what's going on so I can help you. I love you, kid."

With that I break. All of a sudden, I find myself spewing everything - well almost everything, I want Edward to live long enough to have children someday—that has happened since I came back in eighth grade. I tell him why I got into the first fight with Lauren and what happened as a result. I tell him how I treated Edward and Angela, and how I pushed away anyone who ever cared about me. I tell him all about Bella the Bitch. I tell him about the parties and – much to my own horror, - I tell him about Alec and what he did, about the rumors and how I did nothing to stop them. He visibly stiffens and clutches at the gun on his gun belt.

"Dad, I didn't sleep with any of them. I swear."

He holds his hands up in front him, palms out, in a stopping gesture, "Bells, I don't want to know. It's already taking everything I have not to hunt those boys down and put the fear of God in them. I have that Alec in custody for another matter and I will have to make sure I'm not left alone with him. And you - I don't even know where to begin with you, Isabella" uh-oh, the dreaded full name. "So, what happened today, what was that all about?"

"She was making fun of Edward and I had enough. I got so mad I couldn't think straight and I just… lost it."

"Well, you shouldn't have done that, that's for sure, but standing up for Edward is a step in the right direction. So, is Edward who you snuck out to see last night?"

I flinch, but tell him the truth, "Yeah. We had been seeing each other, but we broke up. I went to see him… to try to…" at that, I start balling again. Through the haze of my tears and the blood pumping through my veins, I thought I hear Charlie say 'shit' but I'm not positive.

"Did that boy break your heart? I've always liked the kid, but if he hurt you, I'll kill him."

"No, dad. Don't._ I_ broke _his_ heart which then broke mine. It isn't his fault." I eek out.

"You love him." It is a statement, not a question. Why did he have to pick now to be so damn observant?

"Yeah, I do. I really, really do. Daddy, it hurts so much… knowing that I hurt him… not being with him.  
>Just then, the door creeks open and Dean Randall pokes his head in, "Chief, we need to discuss the details of Bella's suspension."<p>

"OK. You, come back in," he says pointing at the Dean, then turns and points to me, "and you, go wait outside." I shuffle to the door, trying desperately to wipe any evidence of tears from my face because I don't want anyone who may be outside this door to see. I walk over and perch on the edge of one of the old brown office chairs across from Mrs. Cope's desk. Thankfully, my back is to the glass that opens into the school, but I still use my hair as a curtain for good measure. Luckily, no one comes in. I don't know how long I sit there, but eventually, Charlie comes out of the office shaking hands with a much happier dean.

"Thank you for being so understanding. I'll make sure my daughter understands just how lucky she is to get off so lightly."

"She's a smart kid. I don't want one poor choice to limit her school choices. Bye, Chief." Then he turns to me, "Bella, I'll see you next week. Make sure you keep up with your missing assignments." I nod my head and follow Charlie out. After a few steps, I realize how deserted the school is. School must have already let out. I thank whatever Gods may be listening for that little reprieve.

We walk to our cars in silence. I get into the truck, "Right home. No stopping." Charlie barks getting into the cruiser. He lets me pull out first, follows me closely the entire way home, and parks right behind me in the driveway. Once we're inside, he motions for me to sit on the couch in the living room and sits down beside me.

"You are suspended for the rest of the week. It's technically five days since your suspension started this afternoon… he's skirting the rules a bit. AND he's letting you complete your assignments while you are out. He's gathering them up for you and I'll pick them up at the end of the day tomorrow. You are very lucky."

"Thanks, Dad. I know you must have talked him down." I started to get up, but he cleared his throat indicating that he isn't finished.

"As for me, you are grounded. Release date to be determined and I will drive you to and from school until I feel I can trust you. Understand?"

"I got it. Can I go upstairs now?" He nods and makes to turn on the TV as I trudge up the stairs. All of a sudden, I'm exhausted. In my room, I change into Edward's now well worn, stolen t-shirt and crawl beneath the covers. Even though it no longer smells of him, the feel of it on my body makes me feel somehow closer to him. I hear the phone ring downstairs but don't move to get it. I don't want to talk to anyone right now, besides anyone who wants to talk to me would call my cell.

I'm thinking about Edward's lips running up and down my neck and just about to drift into a blissful sleep, when I hear Charlie yell, "Um, Bells, I…" He sounds a little distressed, but I don't have time to process it before my phone rings. It's my mom. Ugh! Just what I need, not today, Renee, please, not today. I plan to let it got to voicemail, but I hear Charlie yell, "you better pick it up, Bells, she is just going to keep calling… I'm sorry." Oh, fuck. What the hell has he done? I stare at the phone in my hand as if it's a snake about to bite me but it stops ringing before I can make myself answer. It immediately starts up again. Shit. He's right; I have to pick it up.

"Hi, Mom. What's up?" I try nonchalantly.

"What's up? Isabella, please, I spoke with your father. I know what happened." Her shrill voice comes through loud and clear on the phone. I'm not sure what to say, because I don't know exactly how much she knows, and I am NOT going to give her any additional information.

"Yeah, I got suspended. But only for a few days. It won't be that bad… I'm even going to be able to do my assignments while I'm out, so I won't fall behind." I offer.

"Fighting, Bella. Fighting the same girl from eighth grade, really? I'm disappointed in you."

"I'm sorry." I say because I am sorry that she is disappointed in me… I know exactly how it feels. Like when she went back on her promise to go to the seventh grade awards ceremony where I received a blue ribbon, a plaque, and a check for $50 for winning first place in a statewide writing competition - not to mention an award for perfect attendance- all because she was out with the newest love of her life. Or, when she moved us in with yet another boyfriend who was definitely "the one" after promising me we would stay in our own place after we moved out of the last idiot's apartment a few weeks prior. Or how about when she forgot my birthday last year… I don't care that I don't like to celebrate it; she's my mother for Christ's sake. How the fuck can she forget her only daughter's birthday! Yeah, I understood 'disappointment' well.

"Well, that's done and over with, there is nothing that can be done about it now. Right now, I'm more concerned about the reasons behind it. Charlie told me all about your alternate personality. How you used and belittled people. You allowed the entire school to think you had sex with multiple partners…"

I cut her off, "They were just rumors, and I didn't see the harm in not correcting them. They were about me after all, it didn't hurt anyone." I say, but deep down, I know that's not true.

"And you did nothing to perpetuate those rumors? I suppose they just made up lies about you?" She asks, already knowing the answer.

"Ummm, well… I …"

"I can't believe you would let people use you like that. I can't believe you would use others like that… that is not the Bella I know. And to let those boys…"

"No, I didn't. I did… stuff, with most of them… but nothing too serious!" _Most of_ "my clothing remained intact and so did" _most of_ "theirs." I swear."

Renee actually bit out a sarcastic laugh, "Isabella Marie, just because you didn't, have sex with them doesn't mean they didn't use your body and it doesn't mean you didn't use theirs." I can't believe my mother actually said that. I get ready to argue my point, but the reality is, she is right. And there it is… the plain truth of it. I _am_ sort of a slut. It doesn't matter that I didn't fuck them; I usually ended up doing something to get them off, a hand job or dry humping. Fuck, I am a slut _and _a cocktease! Now I feel even worse… about myself and about what happened with Edward. Thanks, mom.

"I know, mom. I already feel dirty and miserable about everything I've done for the past couple of years. You don't have to rub it in my face. I'm trying to turn it around now. I want to be a better person for…" I trail off.

Mom sighs, "Edward. I know. Your father told me about him too." _Jesus, Charlie, you pick now to become chatty with your ex. _"Look, I know I wasn't a very good role model growing up. But don't make the same mistakes I did. Don't become a better person for him, become a better person for you. Then if things work out, great, but if not, you have your integrity to hold on to."

I know she is right. I can't change for someone else… that's what got me into this situation in the first place. I changed to make others like me, but ultimately being that person is the reason I've lost the most important thing in my life. I don't even know if Edward will even give me another chance. So I whisper, "I'll try."

"Ok, baby. Just be the person I know you are in your heart and soul. I love you. And please, call me more often. I miss you and I want to know what is going on in your life."

"All right." I promise as we hang up. If I was exhausted before this conversation, I am completely done in now. I put the phone on the nightstand, pull the covers over my head, and hide from the rest of the world for as long as possible.

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><p><strong>AN: So there is a little more to go with Bella before we hear from Edward. Also, I want to rec a couple of my all time favorite fics! You've probably read them, but if you haven't you absolutely must read them! **

**-A Pound of Flesh by jaxon22: It's not complete yet, but it is almost there and the wonderful author is working on the last few chapters diligently. Each new chapter she posts is so worth the wait!**

**-Legendary by WhatsMyNomDePlume, its awesome… you don't find out whether there is a supernatural twist to it or not until the end.**

**-The Screamers by KiyaRaven: this fic has hands down the best Rob character I've ever read… there were times that I laughed so hard I cried. The plot is not all fun and games, but Rob's character does a lot to break the tension when needed.**

**As always, thank you so much for reading. I hope you liked it, and let me know what you thought. Take Care!**


	15. Chapter 15: Only the Lonely

**A/N: I'm sorry this has taken so long to post, but I really had a bitch of a time with it. I rewrote it a couple of times and it's still not the best chapter, but I hope you enjoy it anyway!**

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><p>Self Esteem CH 15: Only the Lonely<p>

My week in blissful exile goes by far too quickly. I work on my assignments. I think about Edward. I take care of Charlie. I read. I sleep. I dream about Edward then do it all over again the next day. I dread returning to school because I have no idea what is waiting for me. My phone has been silent. Not one call. Not one text. Nothing. That could be very good or very bad.

So, Monday, Charlie drives me to school in the cruiser and promises to pick me up at the end of the day. Joy! I walk cautiously up to the school my bag overflowing with all the work that I missed from the past week. As I enter the front doors, the normal buzz of the hallway starts to die down. Little by little, the chatter comes to a halt and people turn to look at me. No one says anything; they just stare. I can't stand to see the looks on anyone's face, so I tip my head down using my hair as cover, as I quickly stop at my locker and then hurry on to my first class. The usual hum of the hallway returns as I walk away. Shit. This is going to suck. It takes everything in me not to cry and I've only been here three fucking minutes.

The morning floats by in a haze. Tori is in my second class and she makes a huge production out of not talking to me. Bree is in third period and she refuses to even acknowledge my presence. But I figured it could have been worse… the new queen bitch herself could have cornered me in an empty hallway. Just as that thought flitters through my mind, the dreaded hosebeast herself catches me lingering outside of the cafeteria. Fuck, I spoke to soon, stupid, Bella! Her nose is taped up and her face is still black and blue, making her evil sneer more pronounced. I stop in my tracks, panicked at what is going to happen. She walks purposefully in my direction and stops right in front of me. I am waiting for her to hit me… I can't imagine Lauren not taking revenge, especially if it means kicking me while I'm down. Instead she just laughs.

"Well, you decided to come back, huh? Maybe I didn't give you enough credit. I thought for sure after ruining your social life, burning bridges with your only friends and publically professing your love for the school freak, you'd go running back to mommy." She is right in my face now - so close I can feel, and smell- her dragon breath. "Things have changed around here. You are no longer the _IT_ girl, don't try to come around MY friends, MY lunch table, MY parties - or anyone else's for that matter. You are nothing, no one. You are done at MY school." She laughs and I flinch, bracing for the fist I'm sure is coming. She just laughs harder at my reaction. "I'm not going to get suspended for fighting. You're not worth it… but don't worry, I will get you back. Just wait." She smiles maniacally and stalks past me into the cafeteria.

I let out the breath I had been holding and lean back against the cool wall trying not to cry. I knew this would happen. I am totally alone. I guess I deserve it, but it still hurts. I briefly think about eating in the library, but then I figure Edward would be there, and I decide I'd rather brave the cafeteria… I'll have to deal with him in Biology but this will give me another 40 minutes before I have to face him. The fact that I hurt him kills me.

I walk in and it is much the same as this morning. The noise gets lower, voices become whispers, and everyone sneaks furtive glances at me. I walk right to the back of the room and take a seat at an empty table in the corner farthest away from where I used to sit. I refuse to look up through my hair that is shielding me from unwanted gawkers. However, as I sit down. I feel Edward's presence. That damn connection I have to him allows me to know when he is near. I allow myself one brief look.

God, he is so beautiful! I know he feels me too. I can see it in his posture, but he refuses to meet my eyes and makes sure to sit with his back facing me. I want to run over to him, throw my arms around him, apologize for hurting him – taking advantage of him- and plead for his forgiveness, but I don't know how he would react. He is so shy and I already put him in the spotlight once, I don't know what he would do if I did it again.

I pull out my sandwich and nibble at it while trying to lose myself in my AP English novel: A Separate Peace. After a few minutes of reading the same paragraph over and over, I admit that I'm not really paying attention to what I'm reading, just using it to help guard me from the rest of the world. That's when I hear it. The best sound in the whole world… Edward's laugh… a deep, rich wonderful laugh. It briefly makes me smile. I have to look at him. He is wearing a red… RED! He doesn't wear red, it makes him feel too exposed. His brother is talking animatedly telling some story with his hands and Edward is laughing at whatever he is saying. There are others surrounding the table as well: a couple of guys from the football team and a couple of cheerleaders. Usually he would cringe at that kind of attention.

I guess I didn't hurt him as much as I thought. That thought should make me feel better. I should be happy that he seems happy, but if I'm honest with myself, I'm really not. Don't get me wrong, he deserves to be happy more than just about anyone else on this planet, but I thought I meant more to him… I thought he would at least be upset for longer than a week. I realize I'm staring when he looks in my direction, but before he catches my eye, I look down and stare at my PBJ like it contains the cure for cancer.

Eventually, lunch is over and it's time for Biology. I am hopeful his good mood from lunch will continue and we can at least talk. I miss him so much, but I am anxious as well, the dueling emotions leave me extremely nauseous. I am the first one in the room, so I make my way to my seat to wait for everyone – well Edward is all I really care about- to come in. I hear others walking in and taking their seats. I can feel their eyes on me, but no one says anything… not even Jessica. Finally, I feel Edward walk in right as the tardy bell rings and he takes his seat without a word or even a glance in my direction. He leans as far away from me as possible. My heart sinks… so much for talking. I sigh. This is going to be a long class.

Mr. Banner gets us right to work. We are doing a lab. Shit! Usually, I love lab days because it means I get to talk to Edward… to hear his beautiful, soothing, voice, but today, my stomach is twisted in knots. We get our lab materials and start working. Even with all the tension between us, we work together seamlessly. We don't really need to talk in order to know what each other needs… and it just serves to make me more upset.

"You have the directions, what's next?" He says stiffly without taking his eyes off the liquid on the table.

"Edward, I…" I begin, but his head shoots up and I see so much anger and conflict in his face I immediately stop.

"Don't, Bella. I'm not ready. Please just don't." he forces out and grabs the directions from my hands. We don't say anything other than 'pass me this' or 'put that here' for the next hour. I was right. It was a very long class. I can only imagine it will be an even longer week.

Gym class is going to be horrible… it's always been horrible, but now I'm sure it's going to be unbearable. The only reason people partnered with me before was because they wanted to be on the good side of Bella the Bitch and now that I am just plain Bella, I'm sure people will avoid me like the plague. I'm not wrong. I get stuck with a freshman who blatantly picks her nose in public… and even she looks loathe to partner with me. Somehow, I manage to make it through semi-unscathed.

At the end of the day, I gather my books up and wait outside on the curb for Charlie to pick me up. Conversation is still a little stilted with him, but it's starting to get better little by little. When I get home, I do my homework, make dinner, think about Edward and fall asleep early. The rest of the week is exactly the same.

By the following Monday, people have stopped outright staring at me and talking in hushed whispers as I walk by, but no one talks _to_ me either. Edward won't look at me and he only speaks to me if he has during class. Every day at lunch, I sit alone in the corner of the cafeteria… after realizing that Edward was no longer eating in the library, I briefly considered eating there myself, but I decided that I want to at least be able to watch Edward, to be near him. It was nice seeing him interact so fluently with his family… and even talking to people who stop by the table, even if it did make my heart feel trampled on. I almost lose it when that Maggie something or other from his first period class sits down next to him on Thursday, but I have no right to feel that way. He is no longer mine… hell, he never really was.

The days go by excruciatingly slow, Halloween passes. Usually I go to the big bash at Lauren's house, but that obviously isn't going to happen this year, so I hand out candy to the neighborhood kids. School becomes tolerable. I don't talk to anyone and they don't talk to me, but I'm not being outright ignored anymore. People will nod at me if they happen to catch my eye in the hallway. I'm definitely not happy, but I'm in a routine that works for now. The best and worst part about this whole situation is Edward seems happy. I am so grateful that he is finally making friends and feeling more comfortable at school, but it feels like an icicle piercing my heart when I realize that not only is he already over me, but thriving without me in his life.

The first week of November, I run into Jessica… like literally. I was looking at my feet, as usual, she was reading a text and we collided. I froze not knowing what to expect. Jess was sometimes annoying, but never mean to me; however, she has been ignoring me like everyone else.

"Hi, Bella." She says with a small, sad smile.

"Hi, Jess." I return softly surprised that she is talking to me.

"How have you been?" She asks

"Ummm, well… I'm not really sure to tell you the truth. Besides I know you aren't supposed to talk to me, and I don't want to get you in trouble with the queen bee, so I'll just apologize and be on my way." I start to walk past her, when she reaches out and touches my arm to stop me.

"I'm sorry this is happening. It isn't right. You should be allowed to love who you love, you know? And be friends with whomever you want to as well." _Hmm,_ who knew she felt that way? "Lauren is just a bitch that needs to be on top in order to feel good about herself…" she winces and looks apologetically at me, knowing that up until a few weeks ago, that was me as well.

"It's OK, Jess. I know who I was. I just couldn't do it anymore. I was tired of looking in the mirror and hating who I had become. I'm not sorry for doing what I did… Lauren deserved that and more and so did Edward." I say sadly.

"How is that going… you know with Edward? He is so different. He is still very shy, but he actually talks to people. He went to one of his brother's football games and he eats lunch in the cafeteria every day now." I soak up every morsel of information she tells me about him. I smile in spite of the huge hole in my chest.

"He isn't talking to me… but that's OK, I deserve it… it's my broken nose." I say with a shrug comparing my situation with Edward to me hitting Lauren.

"How can you smile if he is still ignoring you?"

"I want him to be happy… it sucks that I'm not a part of that and it kills me not to be with him, but I like hearing that he is happy. I don't know." I shrug again.

"You really love him don't you? That wasn't just for show?" I nod in response "Well then I think you should go get your man. I mean… in all the time I've known you, you have never backed down. Now you walk around here like a zombie just waiting for someone to take you out. You need to snap out of it, Bella."

I'm stunned into silence. I can't believe that just came out of her mouth. I backed down all the time… I never stood up for anyone that really mattered… not even myself. I treated Jessica like shit and she is rooting for me? I don't understand. Part of me thinks that this is part of a plot from Lauren to humiliate me further, but Jess seems so sincere. I have to ask, "Why are you being so nice to me? You haven't said two words to me in weeks and now you're cheering me on? What is going on?" I look at her skeptically.

She sighs and takes in a deep breath. "I get it. I understand why you did what you did. I can't say that I'm very proud of some of the things I've done and said to people in the name of staying in with the popular crowd. You just had the guts to do something about it… besides, you were always nice to me." I look at her in confusion shaking my head no. "No, you were. You never treated me like I was stupid or unworthy. You helped me and Mike get together…" I huff at this, but she puts her hands out, "I may not like the way you went about it, but we are together now because of you. You even tried to tell me the truth about your reputation."

I gasp, but before I can say anything she continues, "I know you don't sleep around."

"How did you… Why do you say that?" I question.

"After you told me nothing happened with Mike, I wanted to be sure. You know he told half the class that he fucked you, right?" I nod. "I asked him to tell me the truth after we had been together awhile, and he admitted he made it up. You have always denied sleeping with that gorgeous guy from the Rez, and I already knew the thing with Alec was a lie…"

"What? How?" In interrupt

"I was at that party and watched how you guys were together. You cringed every time he tried to touch you… then I was on my way home when I saw him drop you off and leave without a backward glance. I would have stuck up for you if you had denied what happened… but you didn't. At the time I thought it was strange, but when I saw what happened to your popularity status after, I understood." She shrugs. I had no idea she was so fucking smart… and observant. I am crying now. She really was my friend. She's just like me… trying to survive the horrible trappings of high school society the best she can.

"You don't have to let them treat you the way they do. Lauren, Tori, and Bree have always put you down and used you as their lap dog… if I was nicer to you, it's only because I saw the way they shit all over you… and how you never stood up for yourself. You can walk away. I'm here you know."  
>"I'm glad to hear that even the way I've treated you over the past couple of weeks you would still come to my rescue, but I'm just not ready… I've been thinking about it, ever since you made your spectacular exit, but I'm just not that brave. I can't handle the amount of scrutiny and cruelty you have been going through. I'm sorry."<p>

I cringe but say, "I'm OK" thinking it was just to placate her, but then I realize something: I really am OK. I miss Edward like hell and it's not pleasant feeling like an outcast all the time, but I feel better about _myself _than I have in a very long time. Maybe I can be redeemed. Maybe I am worth something. I made the right choice… finally, and even if Edward never comes around—I know I did the right thing. "Thanks, Jess. I appreciate everything you said. Remember I'm here if you need me." I smile genuinely at her, the first non-Edward induced smile I have had in weeks.

"Bye, Bella." She waves and turns. I stand there a few more minutes before walking out to meet Charlie by the curb.

"You're late, Kid." He says as I slip into the car.

"I know, sorry, Dad. I was just talking to a friend."

"A friend? That's good right? That you were talking to a friend?" he asks.

"Yeah, it is good."

We sit in silence for a few minutes before he says abruptly, "OK. You aren't grounded anymore and you can have your truck back… Jacob tuned it up for you, so it's good to go. But this is contingent on continuing your trustworthy behavior. No more sneaking out and taking the truck in the middle of the night… I know you only did it once, so I'm going to trust you won't do it again. And no more lying. I need to know what is going on with you, Bells. The truth, even if you think I won't like it. Understood?"

I hate starting our new found 'honest' relationship on a bed of lies, but oh my God, if he knew how often told him I was over at a friend's when I was getting drunk in the clearing or I snuck out of the house… not to mention the fact that I have an old dirt bike hidden in the trees behind the house that I used to facilitate that. I'd be locked in my room until I turn 30… not that it matters right now, but you never know down the road. I vow to myself to try to be honest with Charlie from here on out.

"Understood." I return, trying to muster the proper enthusiasm, even though I have nowhere to go, no one to talk to and nothing to do… yay, me! "Thanks, Dad."

He nods as he pulls into the driveway, stopping to let me out. I head inside to do some homework… my grades have never been better. I might even give Edward a run for his money for 1st in class if this keeps up. I see my car keys lying on the table in the foyer and sigh. I miss Jacob. I really want to call to thank him for tuning up the truck, but he asked for time and space and that is the least I can do right now.

Instead, I do some math, finish my essay on A Separate Peace, and then start dinner. Dad will be hungry when he gets in later tonight… he's on second shift again. So I make sure to make something easy to heat up in the microwave… tuna casserole. I am about to put it in the oven when I hear a beep. At first, I'm confused. I'm not sure where it's coming from, but then I realize it must be my phone. I take it out of my back jeans pocket carefully and stare at it. I haven't had one call, one text, one email since the day I publically professed my love for Edward. Nothing. The only reason I still carry it is out of habit. I am not sure I even want to answer. I have a bad feeling about this.

It beeps again and I'm just too curious not to look… maybe it's Jake, or it could be Jessica. I did tell her I'd be there for her if she needs me. But when I look, it's an unfamiliar number.

**We need to talk, but not over the phone, in person. **

**I'll meet you at the Glen Ave park tonight at 7:00pm. **

My head is spinning. Who could this be? What could they want? I stare at the number. Maybe it does look a little familiar… then it hits me, it's only one digit different from Edward's. I bet they got the phones at the same time, so their numbers are similar. OH SHIT! I bet it's Alice. Fuck!

**Alice? –B**

**Who else? Anyone else texting you lately? - A**

**I'm grounded, can't. Sorry – B** I try, not wanting to face her

**You just got off grounding today and you have your truck back, so don't try that on me. Don't even thing about standing me up. We're talking. – A**

How the hell does she know that? I am freaking the fuck out! She may be small, but she's pretty damn scary. I hurt her brother and she did warn me, but why now? She's had weeks to kick my ass if that's what she wants. I want to avoid her, but I know her. If she wants to talk to me, she will find a way. It's better just to do as she says and get it over with. So I text back,

**OK. C U later– B**

_Motherfucker!_ It's a damn good thing I finished my homework and made dinner already, because I don't think I'll be able to concentrate on anything until this meeting is over. I decide to scrub the kitchen to burn off some nervous energy... at least if I come home with a black eye or a broken cheekbone, I'll have a clean kitchen.

50 minutes and one sparkling kitchen later, I grab my keys and head out. The park is only five minutes by car, but I don't want to be late. When I arrive, the park is completely empty. I make my way over to the swings to wait. I remember playing here with Angela, Edward, and Alice when we were little. Back when things weren't so complicated. We always raced to see who got to swing first because there were only three 'regular' swings. The fourth was a baby swing. Angela and Edward used to justify getting a longer time on the regular swings because Alice and I were still small enough to fit in the baby swing… but what self respecting elementary student would want to sit in that. Remembering those days makes me smile, but it makes me sad as well. I can't believe how awful I've been to the people who did nothing but love and support me throughout my childhood.

Edward was the first person, other than mom or dad, that I got to call on the phone. I was eight and I wanted to meet him at the park to play 'pirates' on the jungle gym. The conversation was short, but I was so happy. Esme picked me up on the way and we played until just before it got dark. I was filthy by the time I got home, but smiling ear to ear. I was in the middle of telling Renee that we successfully kept the enemy from taking our treasure when the phone rang. Mom answered it and handed the phone to me. It was Edward. He just wanted to say good night. God, I miss saying good night to him. I'm such a fucking idiot.

With that thought, the tears that have been so easy to fall lately make their inevitable appearance. I just miss him so damn much. I didn't think anything could hurt this bad. All of a sudden, I was not only ready for Alice to kick the shit out of me, but I wanted her to do it. Maybe the physical pain will help alleviate some of the guilt and emotional ache that have been a constant over the past few weeks.

"Bella." I hear her high, bell-like voice call out from behind me. I quickly try to rub my tears away with my sleeve and hope she doesn't notice what a mess I am. When I turn around, she looks right at me with her big, green eyes and says, "Stop crying. Stop wallowing in self-pity and listen." I nod at her, she obviously means business, but she doesn't seem to want to hurt me, "You are going to help me help Edward." She states clearly.

"What? What's wrong with Edward?" I rush out, my heart sinking to my feet.

"Nothing… yet, and I expect you to help me keep it that way."

"I'll do anything for him. I meant what I said that day in the cafeteria. I love him." I state simply.

"Good." She nods, "because he is about to make a big mistake. He is really struggling right now." I look at her as if she's grown a third eye.

"Struggling? He looks pretty happy to me." I say dejectedly.

She winces at my words, "Bella, have you really watched Edward lately?"

"Yeah, I see him every day at lunch and in Biology. At lunch he smiles, he laughs, he seems more confident, he even talks to people and then in class he withdraws. I know that is because he has to interact with me… I know he hates me. I can't say as I blame him."

"Wow, you really are wallowing in self-pity. I thought you of all people would be able to see through his bullshit façade."

"Alice, I don't understand."

"Hmph" she pushes out a frustrated breath and crosses her arms over her chest. "You are only seeing what you want to see… or maybe he is only letting you see what he wants you to see I don't know… anyway, think; really think about how he is in Bio. You are right he does seem to smile and laugh… mostly when he knows you are watching. But that it is just on the surface. His eyes are flat and dead. His laugh is superficial and you know that is not the real Edward. He does talk to other people, but have you ever watched his body language during those interactions? There are days Em or I have to force him to get out of bed for school. He does try while he is there, for us… but it takes everything out of him. Once he goes home, he retreats to his room. He doesn't listen to music anymore. He doesn't play his guitar. He never opens the blackout curtains to the balcony and rarely turns on the lights. He is just going along, doing what he thinks he should be doing. I miss my brother." Alice finishes, the last four words barely audible.

I am having trouble understanding what she is saying… I thought he was truly happy. I thought his mood in Biology was only because of me. I have to admit I feel almost hopeful for a minute… almost. Finally, reality comes back to me and I manage to sputter out, "I don't see how I can help him. He hates me."

"No he doesn't, Bella. Yes, you hurt him and the way your relationship played out is fucked up!" She says as she steps in and lightly smacks the back of my head. "But he misses you like crazy. He really cares about you, Bella." I just shake my head at her words. "Trust me when I say, feelings like his don't just go away."

"What do you mean?" I ask while rubbing my head, actually feeling some hope seep into my aching heart.

"You'll have to talk to him about it. I've already said too much… he's going to kill me."

"I still don't get it. Why are you reaching out to _me_? Why not Rosalie or Jasper?"

"Well… you see… ummm… a girl…"

I put my hands up and interrupt her before she can say another word, "Alice, Edward deserves to be happy, but I can't stand here and listen to you talk about him with another girl. I can't it would break me." I grunt out.

"Well, you're gonna have to hear this. I don't care how far down in the depths of self-pity and depression you are. He is about to make a huge mistake and I won't let him do it to himself!" Her voice increases in volume with each word until she is shouting and it echoes in the dark, deserted, park.

"Alice, please… just let him be… let him do what he wants. Please." I whisper

"That's just the thing. He doesn't want. She wants… others want… and he can't say no. He is afraid of disappointing everyone. We have to help him. He is in the situation because of the both of us, so we have to fix it. You broke his heart and I kept pushing him to put himself out there and try to make friends even after watching how it affects him… I even let her hang out at our house thinking it would do him some good, but now I realize he is miserable… he wants you, Bella. Only you."

"I can't see how. He can't even stand to look at me, let alone talk to me. We have class together every day and he only speaks when he has to and he absolutely will not meet my eyes."

"But he is still your lab partner, right? Did you know that Ben offered to trade partners with him so he didn't have to sit next to you the rest of the year, but he refused? Banner even said he would be happy to allow him to switch, but he wouldn't. He still L…. has feelings for you."

"I don't know, Alice. I think you are just reaching."

"OK, well then let's take this from another angle shall we? You OWE him. You hurt him… badly. So here is your chance for redemption sister."

She is right. I can't argue about that one. I definitely owe him, but I don't know if this is the right way to pay that debt. The thought of Edward seeing anyone else makes me want to projectile vomit, but maybe that is exactly what he needs to be happy. I know I'm no good for him. So I try to appeal to Alice's sense of logic, "Have you ever thought maybe dating another girl would be good for him?" I manage barely above a whisper.

"Yes. I have." She says simply and as much as I know that is the best answer, it doesn't feel very good. "But not like this. Not when he is so obviously not over you, not when he is being pushed to do it by people who don't really know him, not when the girl is just using him"

"What? OK, I'll listen to what you have to say. I'm not promising anything, but I'll listen." The thought of anyone using Edward makes my blood boil… I know I am a hypocrite, but I've learned my lesson, and I will do everything in my power not to let it happen to him again.  
>"Do you know Maggie Delaney?" she asks practically before I finish my statement.<p>

"Not really. I know she's a cheerleader, Lauren used to complain about her. I did notice she was hanging out by your table the last couple of weeks. Is that the girl you are so worried about? She seems pretty nice, maybe you have it wrong?" My heart skips a beat. She seems so nice and now that I think about it, she seems to genuinely like Edward. Fuck me!

"Yeah, I thought that too. And she was at first, but now she is becoming pushy and wants to control Edward, to make him into something he isn't."

"Isn't that what you and Emmet are doing as well? I mean you said you pushed him, right? Maybe she just really likes him and wants him to come out of his shell a little more?" My heart is now screaming at my brain to shut-the-fuck-up and stop pushing another girl at the boy it loves.

"You be the judge: I overheard her in the ladies room at school talking to Tia Blake about him. I believe her exact words were 'He already has the money and the looks, he just needs a new wardrobe and a personality make-over. Throw in a hot, new car and he'll be perfect.' She said he is easily manipulated because he is too nice to say no and then laughed adding that he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. She thinks that Edward is her ticket to popularity because managed to fuck and then break the biggest bitch at Forks High." I wince at that last statement, "Sorry." She shrugs.

"Why don't you just tell him what you heard? If he really doesn't want to go out with her, then shouldn't that take care of it?"

"He won't believe me. He thinks I'm biased."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"That's not important right now. What is important is to keep Edward out of the hands of someone who wants to use him." She evades.

I wince and hang my head. I know I used Edward, especially in the beginning. What I did was so much worse than what Maggie has planned. I messed with his self-esteem. I made him think he wasn't good enough for me… which is so far from the truth it isn't even funny. At least she is planning to help him become more… better.

"Stop that right now!" she says forcefully, "You never asked him to change. You never asked him to be something he wasn't. She will try and morph him into another James or Riley… is that what you want?" I look at her in shock.

How the fuck did she know what I was thinking? I forgot the little pixie's ability to get into your head. I can't stand the thought of sweet, wonderful, incredible Edward being anything other than himself. Sure, he needs to stay out of the shadows and let people get to know the amazing person he is, but he doesn't need to change one thing about his personality. He is perfect the way he is.

Finally, I look at Alice right in the eyes, "No. That isn't what I want. So, what do you want me to do?"

Alice smiles and motions for us to sit on the swings…

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><p><strong>AN: Like I keep saying, I'm doing this on my own, so if anyone sees anything that should be changed or a mistake I made… or even if you have suggestions – I'm willing to listen! Please leave me a review/PM… Thank you so much for continuing to read! **

**** Story Rec(s) Anything But Conventional by Kyla713 it is so good! And anyone who knows about the Army, will recognize the truth of the themes throughout. It is complete and there are outtakes. She is in the process of writing a sequel called Don't Ever Forget and it is just as good as the first. She usually updates regularly. So if you haven't yet, go read them while you're waiting for my next chapter!**


	16. Chapter 16: Changes

**A/N: Here we go folks… I'll have you know that I blew off a paper to get this out tonight. It may be a little confusing, but don't worry, it will all make sense. Plus there is a little bonus at the end!**

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><p>Self Esteem Ch. 16: Changes<p>

I slam the off button on the fucking alarm clock intending on staying in bed all day. Yesterday… well, yesterday was weird… and I don't feel like dealing with the aftermath of that today. However, my sister has other ideas. Just as I'm about to roll over and try to sleep the rest of the day she comes running through my door.

"No, no, no, no, no—Uh-uh. You are not going to hide in bed. Forget it!" She jumps on my bed for emphasis… the little shit!

"Go away. Not going to school today. Leave me alone." I mutter into my pillow.

"Yes you are. You did so well yesterday. Even with all that business with Bella. Today, you are going to do even better… I feel it!" She runs into my closet and pulls out, what I assume she thinks I'll be wearing today.

"Alice. I'm sick" I cough for emphasis, "I need my sleep. Go the fuck away!"

"Not gonna happen brother of mine. Don't make me sick Em on you. You know how much he would love to drag your ass out of bed and throw you in the shower clothing and all."

I snort, "I'd rather face Emmet and an ice cold shower in my pajamas than go into school today. Not gonna happen, sis." I say definitively.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to go talk to mom then. She would love to know how _sick_ you are… and why." I can hear the goddamn smile in her voice. She knows I can't lie to mom and I do not want to have the Bella conversation with her… at least not yet.

"Fuck! Fine! I'll go, now go away so I can get ready!" I relent.

"I'll leave as soon as you are out of bed." I sigh and slowly get up. Sometimes I don't know why I even try. She is impossible once she makes up her mind.

Less than an hour later, I'm pulling into the lot at school. I brace myself for the reaction I may get. Nothing may actually have changed since yesterday… I realize that, but everything feels different to me, and I don't know what to expect. Yesterday started out with me making strides to become more social which led me to the cafeteria… and Bella and then ended with me reverting to my usual silent self. I know I don't want to be the center of attention, but I also don't want to go back to Edward the mute-freak of Forks High. The _thing_ with Bella at least helped me realize that I deserve to have a life - that I don't have to hide in the shadows.

Just like yesterday, I walk in the main doors holding my breath and look around. People start to look my way furtively and whisper to their friends as I walk down the hallway alone- so not like yesterday. I keep my head up and head directly to my locker. I lean in and grab my books for 1st and 2nd and use the opportunity to lean my head against the nice, cool metal. I don't know how long I have been standing there when I hear a familiar, high-pitched voice say "Would you like to walk to class with me?" I look up and I don't think I have ever been so grateful to see Angela in my entire life – not even when she brought me my homework every day the week I had the chicken pox the end of sixth grade.

"Yeah. Thanks." I give her a small smile. As we walk down the hall people continue to whisper and look in our direction.

"Don't pay any attention to them. They are just curious about what happened yesterday. They'll get over it."

"I know they will, but I just don't like being stared at and talked about… that is why I withdrew from everyone in the first place. I couldn't stand it." I hold the door open for her when we reach the classroom – it doesn't like to stay open- and as I'm about to walk in behind her Maggie ducks in under my arm.

"Thanks, Edward. It's so nice of you to hold the door for us" she smirks.

"You're very welcome, anything I can do to help a lady in need."

"Yeah, I've heard that about you..." she mutters quietly "anyway, how are you today?"

I am not really sure how to answer that. The tone in her voice seems to indicate that she is really asking about what happened yesterday, but I do not want to talk about it. It was bad enough that it all happened surrounded by most of the damn school, so I decide to go with non-committal, "Eh, I'm OK."

"Well I'm glad to hear it… I know yesterday must have been hard for you, but I won't ask you to talk about it… even though it happened in a very public way, it really isn't anyone else's business." She says as we take our seats.

"Yeah, like I said, don't let them get to you. I like this more open Edward" Angela smiles at me.

"Me too" Maggie agrees with a nod of her head.

The bell rings and we get right to work so there is no more opportunity to talk. I'm grateful for that. I can only handle most people in little bursts. I like Maggie, but she's giving me a weird vibe. When class is over I start gathering my stuff to rush to my next class, but I feel a warm hand on my arm.

"Hey, do you think it would be OK if some of us drop by your lunch table?"

"Um, sure. It's a public table." OK, now I'm really confused.

"Oh, good, I don't want to make you uncomfortable or anything."

"No, I'll be fine." I look at the clock and realize I will have to almost run to make it to the other side of the building for class, "I'll see you later, gotta run."

She smiles and waves at me as I take off, "Bye!" The rest of the morning goes by quickly and Maggie brings Tia Blake and Liam Overstreet over at lunch. I am worried at first, but they end up being pretty cool and don't mention yesterday at all. It is obvious that Liam has a boy crush on Emmett. He's a sophomore on the football team and hangs on every word Em says. Maggie is sweet and always tries to include me in her conversations with Tia allowing me to successfully avoid thinking about Biology until I absolutely have to.

I know she won't be there… the grape vine says she's suspended until next week, but it is still going to be strange. Instead of rushing to get there like usual, I take my time. I even head back to my locker to dump some books I don't need, but inevitably I get to class. Walking in and seeing our lab table brings out a wealth of emotions: Happy that she isn't here and I don't have to deal with her yet, sad that she isn't hear and I don't get to have her next to me, angry at this whole fucked up situation… I must have been standing in the doorway for quite awhile because Ben comes up and asks if I'm all right.

"Yeah, I just… I don't know…"

"I know. It's got to be weird for you. Do you want to change partners so when she gets back it won't be too awkward. I'm sure Banner won't care."

Do I? Do I want to give up the only time I get to spend time with Bella… I mean, the only time I have to interact with _her_? I catch myself at the last minute not ready to go there yet. "No. It's OK." I answer. Ben raises an eyebrow, but chooses not to push. I slide into my seat refusing to allow my mind to wander to the empty one beside me. Class drags on endlessly… as does the rest of the week.

Some of the guys that Bella supposedly hooked up with begin talking to me in the halls – well sort of. Tyler Crowly said "welcome to the club!" with a slap on my back. Eric Yorkie let me know that he "didn't know I had it in me." Felix, (the younger brother of Alec, the asshole that helped Bella start all this shit), told me not to be surprised if she "does" my brother too, because apparently "she's totally into that shit." Mike fucking Newton congratulated me on "breaking Bella the Bitch," and then proceeded to ask for tips on how to get her to do a threesome with him and Jessica, because "even though she's a mess, she's still the hottest piece of ass in school." Fucker.

By Friday, the whole school is in a homecoming frenzy. The game is tonight and the dance is tomorrow. So far, I have successfully avoided having a date forced upon me by my siblings, but it hasn't been easy. Alice has brought Maggie and Tia over after school to "study" three days this week and Em keeps pointing to various girls in the hallways and waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Hell, even Rose offered to set me up with one of her friends. I feel like I'm making some progress with the whole social scene. I talk to Maggie and Tia every morning and at lunch and I sit and did homework with them and Alice when they are at my house. I even debated with Liam over who was the better guitar player, Jimi Hendrix or Jimmy Page- Page is good, great even, but no one compares to Hendrix. However, I was not ready for a fucking dance. I keep telling myself that it's because I'm easing my way into the social scene, and that is true, but if I'm honest, not wanting a date is more about Bella. I still love her. I probably always will. I have loved her- and only wanted to be with her- my whole life and it is going to take a lot longer than a couple of weeks to get over that- if I ever do.

School ends and I am about to get away clean when Em strolls up behind me and puts his big arm around my shoulders, "You're coming to the game tonight?"

"Um, I actually don't think so. I am not a big fan of football – no offense- and I'm even less of a fan of big, loud, rowdy, crowds." I tell him

"Oh, I'm sorry, little brother, did that sound like a question? It shouldn't have. You are coming to the game tonight." He smiles at me. Fuck, I know that tone. He's not fucking around.

"Emmett. Come on man, I really don't want to go. I've never been before for a reason. I can't handle all the people."

"Not gonna fly, Bro. You have been doing great. Now it's time to have a real high school experience. You know hang out with friends, watch the big game, grab something to eat and get home way after curfew… It'll be fun. Alice will be there, and Jasper. Just stick close to them."

Great, I get to sit next to my sister who can't keep her hands off her boyfriend, who has been one of my best friends since 2nd grade, and I'll be the third wheel. I don't want to be alone. I want to have someone to wrap my arms around when she gets cold, someone to kiss when a touchdown is made. I want to look into her big, brown eyes and run my hands through her long mahogany hair. I want to feel her soft-as-silk skin and hold her hand so she doesn't trip on the bleachers. And – damn it- I don't want to go! Not without her – er, someone!

"No, Emmett. I can't handle the crowds" I try to walk out from under his arm, but before I make my move, he tightens his grasp on my shoulder.

"Ok, well then I'll have Rose set you up with one of her friends for the dance tomorrow night and you can go to the dance. She says someone on her squad is really into you. There will be less people there and less noise."

"NO! I am not going to the fucking dance, Em. Jesus! Just leave me alone." I try to get away again to no avail.

"It's one or the other. Alice and I agree you need to get out and do stuff with people, not just hide in the house and sulk over Bella. You spend way too much time alone. You need to get out there. You know you do."

I did know. I knew I should at least try to move on. How can I get over her if I don't even try? I sigh and rub my hands through my already messy hair.

That is all the confirmation Emmett needs; he pats my back with the force of a wrecking ball, "So suit and tie or jersey and jeans?"

"Jeans please." There is no fucking way I'm going to the dance, "What time will my torture commence?"

"Just ride with Alice and Jasper. Stop worrying, it'll be fine. Hell, you may even have fun."

Yeah, fun, right. The afternoon goes by too quickly and before I know it, I'm sitting in the cold on the metal bleachers, surrounded by screaming fans, and watching my brother run around the field. Alice and Jazz are actually watching the game instead of mauling each other- for which I am very grateful. The game is OK I guess. I can't say I am enjoying it, but it isn't like getting a root canal or anything.

"Hey, Edward, we're going to the diner with the team after the game. You coming?" Jasper asks, at least he is giving me a choice - just as I am about to ask him to take me home, Alice buts in.

"Of course he's coming, Jazzy." Oh, right, of course I'm coming, silly me for trying to make up my own mind. I glare at her. Fucking Alice. She just smiles innocently at me.

"Sorry, man. What the lady says goes." He shrugs. _Prick_

An hour later - the diner is packed with football players, cheerleaders, fans, and me. I am sitting in between Alice and Maggie. At least I am surrounded by people I know and like.

"You've never been to a game before have you?" Maggie asks.

"No. Not really my scene you know?" I shrug and she nods.

"Why now? What changed? You've talked to practically no one in years and now that there is all this drama you seem to be coming out of yourself?"

"I just got tired of being alone… I recently had some… um… company and I found I liked it. I don't want to be the freak who skulks around in corners anymore, but, I don't want to be Mr. popularity either. "

"That makes sense. Even though I'm a cheerleader – who everyone thinks are super popular - I don't really feel comfortable being a party girl like most of them. Tia and I kind of stick to ourselves; we get along with almost everyone – with a few obvious exceptions- but we aren't really big partiers."

I had noticed that they don't hang out with Lauren and the other bitches… you know, like Bella. Shit, why does my heart clench when I think about her. I rub my chest without thinking about it.

"You OK?" Maggie asks with a sympathetic look.

"Yeah, It's just…you know I really don't want to talk about it. I'm fine… I'll be fine."

"I'm a pretty good listener, if you ever change your mind." I nod letting her know I understand.

"You going to the dance tomorrow?" She asks with sparkling eyes.

"Um…" I hedge, luckily Emmett comes up behind us and wraps us both in a giant hug, squishing Maggie and me closer together .

"My Brother! Did you see that game! Did you watch your big bro kick Hoaquem's ass!"

"Yes, I saw, now get off me!" I shove him as hard as I can and push myself away from Maggie at the same time.

"Aw, don't be that way. You know you had a good time, and you shouldn't be complaining about being pushed closer to a pretty girl either!" Maggie and I both look at the table. My cheeks are red and my anger is rising. I get up and stalk over to the counter to get another coffee. At least Emmett's ill-timed man hugs rescued me from a very uncomfortable conversation. Maggie is nice, but I can't even think about seeing anyone right now.

"You are miserable without her, aren't you?" I turn around to look at my meddling sister.

I pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration, "What are you talking about? I've done everything you and Emmett have told me to do. I talk to more people than I have in years, I sit with everyone at lunch, I do homework with you and the girls afterschool… hell, I even went to the Goddamn football game – and let's not forget that I'm here with all of you. What more do I have to do to show you I'm fine. I'm moving on. It's not gonna work with Bella" By the time I finish my angry rant, I am breathing heavily.

She reaches up and puts her hand on my cheek, "I know you, BaBa. Yes, you are a whole lot more social. I've seen you talk to lots of people in the past week" I start to interrupt but she holds her hands up to stop me, "and I can tell you feel OK about it, but you're eyes have lost that emerald twinkle. The one that is so evident when you play your guitar or your piano or when you are around Bella. You smile and laugh, but there is something missing. I know how much you love her and I can tell that you are hurting."

Well, damn, why did she have to be so observant, "OK, you're right, but I am trying to move on. I'm really trying. Just give me some time, OK?" I plead

"Why don't you just talk to her? Tell her how you feel. Start over. You belong together, so why postpone the inevitable. You can tell how miserable she is without you. All you have to do is look."

"No, she is miserable because she is no longer Miss Popularity, the hot-bitch all the boys want to fuck and the girls want to be, not because of me." I run my hands wildly through my hair, tugging until it's almost painful to help ease the ache.

"You know that isn't true." she whispers back.  
>"I don't know anything." I lie stubbornly. "I'm done talking about this, Alice." I say as I walk back toward the crowd, avoiding the empty seat next to Maggie in favor of a stool at the counter and bide my time until I can lick my wounds in private.<p>

The rest of the weekend goes by quickly. Maggie and Tia end up spending the night with Alice after homecoming. Esme is in heaven being able to make her special chocolate chip, banana pancakes for everyone. She doesn't even get mad at Em when she catches Rose coming out of his room at 8:30 in the morning.

Bella comes back that next Tuesday and she is definitely no longer the powerhouse, mean girl she once was. She doesn't talk to anyone voluntarily and keeps her head down when she walks through the halls. She eats lunch by herself at a small table in the corner, her head shoved deep in a book. I can feel her presence, so when I feel her eyes burning into me I make sure to smile and laugh a little louder. I can't let her know how much I really want to hold her and take away her pain.

She doesn't seem to pay much attention in Biology, and more than once, she makes a lame excuse about feeling sick to avoid it. Not only will she not meet _my _eyes, but also she won't look at anyone else either. Biology is pure hell. Every once in awhile, I can feel her look at me as if she is going to say something, but after that first day when I snapped at her, she doesn't get up the nerve to try again. I look at her as often as I dare. I sneak glances in the hallways and during Bio whenever I can be sure that she – not to mention anyone else- isn't looking. Maggie has been… different since the homecoming game. She made sure to sit closely to me at breakfast the morning after the dance, she meets me at my car and walks with me to my locker and to 1st period, talking my ear off and asking a ton of questions, and she spends every afternoon at my house… Wednesday she even managed to ride with me. Fuck. This isn't good. She is very nice, but I'm just not there yet.

Somehow, that next weekend I find myself at Lauren's annual Halloween bash dressed in all black with slicked back hair, fake fangs and fake blood dripping from my mouth. Maggie said it would be cool, but I just feel like a douche. Alice says I shouldn't complain because if it had been up to her, I would be covered in glitter and wearing a grey peacoat, whatever the fuck that means. Thankfully, the deal was I only had to stay for an hour. So I hang out in a corner with Tia and Maggie nursing a warm beer and at 62 minutes in, I make a lame excuse and take off for home. I have had a new melody stuck in my head all day and I want to get home and see if it sounds better on piano or guitar.

On the way out, I have the displeasure of running into James. He is drunk and/or high. I try to avoid him, but he has other ideas. After he stumbles within ear range, that motherfucker has the audacity to smile and whisper to me, "Now I get what your deal is. You wanted to keep that sweet little pussy all to yourself… too bad everyone else had a turn first."

It was all I could do not to slam my fist into his only slightly healed nose, but I keep myself calm, retorting, "not you, asshole." I'm actually pretty proud of myself. I think I heard him say, 'not for long motherfucker,' but I didn't stop to find out, I'm sure he is just trying to bait me into another fight, it's not as if going after Bella would do him any favors right now.

On my way home, I find myself driving past Bella's house. God I miss her. I try like hell not to think about her at all, but the reality is she is always there in the back of my mind. I notice the light is still on in her bedroom. Part of me wants to march into her house, grab her, and tell her I love her, then kiss the shit out of her, but a bigger part is still hiding in the corner protecting my broken heart. Maybe what I need is to go out with someone else? Since the football game, Maggie has made it more than obvious she wants to be more than friends and she is really nice- not to mention good looking. I just don't know. I feel like I would be using her to get over Bella, and since I am all too familiar with being used, I would be a major asshole to do that to someone else. I shake my head, not ready for my thoughts to head down that road.

On Thursday of that next week, I find myself alone with Maggie in my car on my way to my house. She asked if I would help her with Trig since I took it last year. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but now that we are sitting alone in my car, silent except for the radio playing softly in the background, I am rethinking that. I can feel her look at me every couple of minutes as if she wants to say something. I don't acknowledge it though. I don't think I want to hear it.

"So, it's been nice spending all this time with you over the last couple of weeks. I'm really happy we are getting to know each other." I can see a smile on her face out of the corner of my eye, but her voice seems… off.

"Yeah, it's been fun." I nod my head and smile pleasantly in return.

"Edward, what are you doing tomorrow night?" She sighs out in one breath.

Uh-oh, shit. I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't know if I can do this. Hell I don't even know if I want to do this, but I guess it's time to make that decision ready or not. I try to stall by saying, "Why?"

"I thought, if you didn't already have plans, we could head into Port Angeles for dinner and maybe a movie?" Her voice squeaks a little at the end. It would be cute if I wasn't so terrified… and if it was coming from a certain brown-eyed girl.

"Um… I don't know…" I hedge as we pull to a stop in front of my house. I move to get out, hoping to escape the car and the conversation, but I feel her hand rest gently on my shoulder and turn automatically toward her.

"Edward, I don't know what happened between you and Bella, but if you still care about her then go talk to her." She looks at me earnestly.

Well, fuck. "I don't" I lie hastily. "I don't want to talk to her." Second lie. "I'm fine." And there's the triple play folks.

"Then let's go out tomorrow night. It could be fun. You never know what might happen if you give someone else a chance."

Now I'm sort of stuck. If I say I'm not ready then she'll know I still care about Bella. If I turn her down for some other reason, I may hurt her feelings, and despite not wanting to date her, she is a really great friend.

"Come on, we won't even call it a date, we'll say it's a _trial outing with potential for more._"

I had to smile at that. What the hell, "Ok."

"OK?"

"Yeah, OK. What do you want to do?"

"Like I said, let's do dinner and then see how we feel about a movie."

"OK… now do you really need help with Trig? Or was that just a ploy to get me alone?" I laugh so she knows I'm kidding… sort of.

"I do need help, but I have to admit getting you alone in the car was an added bonus." We both laugh nervously and I run a hand through my hair to calm my nerves.

We spend the next couple of hours immersed in the less complicated world of Trigonometry. Just as I'm about to drive her home, Tia shows up to drop Alice off, and offers to take her home, which I am really happy about. Maggie and I were fine while working on math, but somehow another strained ride in the confined space of my car, doesn't look all that appealing.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning. Lets meet up before 1st to talk about tomorrow night. Bye Edward thanks for the help!" Maggie waves as she gets into Tia's little Honda. I wave back and head into the house to figure out what the fuck I am doing.

Alice meets me at the door with a questioning glance. "What about tomorrow night do you two have to discuss?"

"I have sort of a date-thing with Maggie tomorrow night." I mumble on my way passed, trying to get to the stairs before the words actually hit her.

"A date-THING? What exactly is a date-thing?" she says evenly, not letting on how she feels about my revelation.

"Well, we are going to dinner in Port Angeles and then maybe a movie, but we aren't ready to call it a date yet, so it's just a date-like-thing. I don't really want to talk about it." I manage to reach the bottom of the stairs before she starts with the 20 questions.

"You asked her out? Did this just happen this afternoon? Does she really like you? Do you really like her? Where are you taking her? Are you ready for this? What about Bella?"

"No, yes, I think she might, not sure, don't know, probably not, and I'm not thinking about that right now. Now can I go upstairs please? I just want to be alone to think."

"You mean be alone to mope. Put on some emo-indie band and stare at your ceiling while berating yourself for whatever it is you think you've done wrong now… but I won't stop you because this time you ARE being a stupid shit." She gives me a push up the stairs.

I know her last statement is meant as bait, but I stupidly take it anyway. "Why do you think I'm being stupid? What did I do now?" I ask

"You should not be going out with Maggie. You should be making up with Bella." She says matter-of-factly.

I pinch the bridge of my nose hard enough that I start to see stars before answering. "We've been over this, Alice. It is NOT going to work with Bella and me. It's over." I say this even as I know in my heart and soul she is right. I am still in love with Bella. I ache all over I miss her so bad. That is why I have to do this. I _have_ to go out with Maggie.

"And you said you'd keep an open mind and now you are going out with someone else. How do you know it won't work unless you try?"

"She crushed me, Alice! I'M your brother, aren't you supposed to be on MY side? Why are you trying to push me back to her."

"I AM on your side. I just want you to be happy, if I thought you could find that happiness with Maggie… or anyone else for that matter, I would stand behind you a hundred percent, but you still love Bella. I can see it in your eyes. I can hear it in the music you play. Are you aware that every song you play – on guitar or piano- sounds like Bella? You miss her like crazy. I know she was shitty to you. I know she broke your heart, but she has done nothing but prove that she truly loves you since that day in the cafeteria. Don't you think she would have found a way to redeem herself by now if that was what she wanted? She wants you and I think she is willing to do whatever it takes to win you back."  
>" I have to move on Alice. I have to try." I plead with her to understand.<p>

"Well, maybe Maggie isn't the best choice."

"What do you mean? You were the one who started bringing her around. I was content to talk to her in 1st period, but you brought her over. You had me sit next to her at the diner, at breakfast later in the weekend, and don't think I didn't notice that you conveniently sit on the same side as Tia when we do homework over here. Hell weren't you the one who suggested I help her with her Trig? What the fuck?" I seethe.

"I know, but that was before…" I cut her off.

"No. I know what you are doing. Stop meddling. I am going through with this non-date tomorrow night. Support me or don't, but stay the fuck out of it. Got it?"

"Yeah, but…"  
>"NO, but!"<p>

"OK, OK, I give… but you _will_ take her someplace decent and allow me to pick out what you wear. If you insist on doing this, you are doing it right." She says as she marches past me up the stairs pulling out her phone.

"Fine" I concede, as I walk to the sanctity of my room, because really, I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I have never been on a proper date before. Irina and I went out once or twice while I was in Alaska over spring break last year, we even made out a little, but it wasn't like a real date… although I guess this thing with Maggie isn't technically a date-date. I sigh, I don't really believe that, but it makes it easier to take. I always thought Bella would be my first real date. Images of her flash through my mind… me picking her up, greeting her dad and promising not to be out too late, dinner at a nice restaurant, easy conversation. Me taking her home, walking to her door, kissing her as if my life depends on it… my self-flagellating reverie is interrupted by a text.

**Hey, how do you feel about Thai food? – M**

**I like it. Is that what you want to do tomorrow night? – E**

**Yeah, Tia says there is a great place in PA. – M**

**OK, sounds good. See you at school tomorrow. – E**

**I guess we're gonna have to find something else to talk about before 1****st**** ;-) – M**

**I guess so. – E** Fuck, she's flirting. I fall back into bed wondering what the fuck I am doing? I try to concentrate on tomorrow night, but my mind keeps drifting back to Bella.

Bella on the balcony in the rain, Bella taking off her shirt, Bella's mouth on mine, Bella groaning as I grind my hips into her body, Bella underneath me… fuck, Bella's exquisite taste on my tongue. By now I am hard to the point of actual pain, so I release myself from my jeans, grab the lotion and start to work myself from base to tip and tip to base, twisting my wrist at the top, just like Bella does. I imagine it isn't my hand, but hers stroking me, feeling my arousal for her. I can almost hear her groan as I sink myself into her hot, wet, heat. Fuck. I stroke faster now, almost ready to come already. I see Bella's perfect breasts bouncing as she rides and push myself over the edge when I remember what her face looks like as she comes. I release all over my hand and shirt panting her name quietly.

I use my shirt to clean up and head for the shower… then I remember Bella in the bathtub, which leads me to Bella on all fours begging me to make her come… and I go for round two in the shower.

Once I pull on some sleep pants and an old wife-beater, I settle in for the night, thinking I'll run down and grab a sandwich later. Mom and Dad usually eat out after his shift at the hospital on Thursdays.

My phone beeps alerting me to a text.

**I can't wait for tomorrow night. – M**

**Me either. – E** Fuck me sideways. I am an asshole. I just jacked off – twice- to the girl of my dreams… I mean the girl that broke my heart and I am going out with someone else tomorrow night… someone who apparently is excited about it… someone who thinks I am just as excited. Yep. I. Am. An asshole!

**Alice POV**

My brother is an idiot. He should have gone after Bella years ago. He should have never allowed their relationship- if that is what it was- to progress the way it did. He should be trying to work things out with Bella, not dating someone else. I know him… apparently better than he knows himself, and he belongs with Bella… the real Bella not that fake bitch she has been for way too long. She is finally ready to try, really try. Don't get me wrong, she has a long way to go to redeem herself in my eyes and the eyes of my family, but she has always fit into our family like a missing puzzle piece. My phone beeps.

**So where are we going tomorrow night?**

**I think Sabai Thai would be good. Its open enough to see the whole place, but still has a romantic atmosphere. - A**

**I hate to admit it, but you were right.**

**I always am – remember that. – A**

**I just hope everything goes well. See you tomorrow.**

**It will, trust me. – A**

He is going to kill me, but it will be worth it. I can feel it!

* * *

><p>AN: I hope you liked it! Send me a review and let me know.

8-)


	17. Chapter 17: Blind Date and Other Issues

**A/N: I have had a really, really, **_**really¸**_** bad week on top of a couple of already stressful ones, so please forgive me for the length of time in between posts. This chapter comes with a violence warning. I don't want to give too much away, so I'll leave it at that. If you are particularly sensitive, or want to know more before reading, PM me and I'll be happy to provide more info or a chapter synopsis. Now, on with the show!**

* * *

><p>Self Esteem Ch. 17: Blind Date and other Issues<p>

Bella:

After my talk with Alice, I am exhausted. I'm in bed by 9:30, having interesting dreams filled with Edward only a few minutes later. His mouth taking mine in the way he alone can, both rough and gentle at the same time; his hands exploring my body setting me on fire in the way only he can; his lean body covering mine, that delicious weight, the feel of his hips as he grinds into me hitting me in just the right way. The way he feels when he first fills me completely and then starts to move fast, slow, and oh so deep… mmmmm. Fuck, he feels so good! We move together as we take each other higher and higher. He nips at my lips, his tongue slipping out insisting entrance. He moans and I can tell that he is so close when he snakes his hands in between us to touch me where I need him the most… OOOOHHH, I'm co….

"Bella! Wake up, kid! You're having a nightmare." I hear Charlie's voice ripping me out of my wonderfully erotic dream. I shoot up in bed

"What? What's going on? Why did you wake me?" I ask, my face flaming with embarrassment because my dad caught me in the middle of a sex dream with my body sweating and turned on from said dream… that is just so fucking wrong!

"You were making noise in your sleep and I figured you were having a nightmare. Are you OK? " _Well FUCK ME!_

"Yeah… um, thanks dad. I'll be OK" _now go away so I can finish that fuck-hot dream. Talking to my dad is rapidly killing my mood._

"You're all sweaty, that must have been some dream." He says shaking his head and backing out of the open doorway. I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood to keep the smile from spreading and nod in reply as Charlie shuts the door. _Yep, some dream!_

I flop back onto the bed hoping to fall right back into that dream, but of course, things rarely go as I hope. Instead of sleep, my mind starts to wander, thinking about tomorrow night. I think Alice is out of her mind, but I really don't want Edward to get hurt again. He deserves someone who likes him for who he is, someone who won't try to change him. He is perfect the way he is. I have to question whether I really believe he would allow himself to be manipulated like that. I don't really think that he would, no matter how much he wants to please his family. He loves and respects them, but he respects himself more- the fact that he threw me to the curb is evidence of that. I'm sure that he would figure out Maggie's motive.

So why did I agree to go along with Alice's crazy scheme? That is simple if I am truly honest with myself _(a habit I'm trying to get into)_, as much as I keep telling myself I only want Edward to be happy and that he's too good for me… I would rather bathe in bleach and razor blades than see him with someone else. Every fiber of my being wants him back – even though I know he should find someone better. So, the hope that there may be some chance for us… miniscule as it may be- is what is driving me to Port Angeles tomorrow night to meet some unknown person that will supposedly help Edward "realize that he should give you another chance" as Alice put it. The rational side of me thinks she is delusional, but the part that isn't ready to let Edward go is crossing its fingers and kissing four-leaf-clovers. Eventually I fall back to sleep, but there are no more sexy dreams of Edward, just vague unsettling images of rainy streets and empty buildings.

I wake up feeling – off. I don't know how else to put it. I feel like there is something wrong, but I'm not sure what. As I dress quickly for school, I decide it must be the upcoming blind date or whatever the hell you want to call it, along with the possibility of seeing Edward with another girl. Just thinking about that makes me ache all over.

School sucks, as usual, especially because I find myself really watching Edward even more closely than usual. Alice says his laughter is stilted and his smiles are fake, that he is depressed, so I try to see it, but I don't. I do see what she means about his eyes though. That magic sparkle that I love so much is missing, which is enough to convince me that Alice is probably right and he is just putting on a front… or at least that is what I am going to allow myself to think.

In Biology, I decide to try one last time to tell Edward how sorry I am. He is steadfastly ignoring me though, so I write him a note and slide it across the table.

_Edward,_

_I know I fucked things up between us beyond repair, but I want to say how sorry I am for everything I did. I understand why you can't even look at me, but I want you to know that despite the fact that I am a pariah around here, I feel better about MYSELF now that I am not trying to live up to my reputation. You gave me the courage to do that and I thank you from the bottom of my heart._

_Bella_

He reads the note, takes it and stashes it in his back pocket, then looks at me with the strangest expression on his face, and finally nods in my direction. I guess that is the only acknowledgement I'll be getting. Maybe I shouldn't go tonight, just let him figure things out on his own. Maybe Alice is wrong, maybe he isn't depressed, maybe she misheard Maggie, maybe he really likes her… I'm just not sure of anything right now. By the end of gym, I have gathered enough courage to tell Alice I have to stay out of Edward's business. I don't want to make an already bad situation worse. However, before I have the chance to text her, my phone beeps.

**Left you a present. Wear it tonight. Be at Sabai Thai at 6:45 pm. – A **_What is up with her and picking out my clothes?_

**Don't think it's a very good idea. If she's really trying to manipulate E, I'm sure he'll figure it out. He's the smartest person I know –B**

**We talked about this. He's book smart, not people smart. Besides, you already agreed and we don't want to let your date down, right? - A**

_Fucking interfering little pixie! _**I have my own clothes and I can dress myself you know. Who am I meeting? – B**

**I know you have your own clothes. BTW, wear the outfit with your black high-heel boots ;-) Your date will find you. Stop worrying – A**

**You mean the boots that I wore with my Halloween costume last year? I don't thinks so. It was bad enough then. No. Uh-uh. Especially if I'm meeting some strange guy.– B **_Lauren had this bright idea to go as the girls from Sucker Punch – I went as sweet pea- complete with the blond wig and fuck me boots._

**Haven't you learned not to fight with me yet? You know I always get what I want. Just do as I ask or I'll come over and do your hair and make-up too! He is a little strange, but he isn't a stranger. That's all you're getting. It's a surprise! -A**

_I sigh to myself just not having it in me to fight her anymore. I do want to see Edward – I'll just ignore the bitch he's with. And now I'm curious about who I'm meeting on top of it. I'm sure that was her plan. So I respond: _**Fine. – B**

**8-) - A**

When I walk into my room I see a large box that wasn't there when I left this morning. The message on top reads:

_Bella_

_Be at Sabai Thai tonight at 6:45pm wearing this, you're guy will find you there_

_Alice_

I open the box expecting some kind of funky frock like she would wear but instead I find a beautiful ice-blue, silk, off the shoulder shirt (or mini dress? I'm not sure), a thin silver belt with a black belt-buckle, silver leggings, and a note reminding me to wear my thigh-high, high-heel "fuck-me" boots. I don't know whether to be relieved she kept it relatively simple or disturbed that she knows I have a pair of boots like that, considering I only wore them that one time.

I decide as long as I'm going out I should do it right. So I take a nice, long, hot shower to help relax my nerves and take the time to straighten my hair and do my eyes all smoky. Maybe I'll impress the mystery man – or maybe I'll at least turn Edward's beautiful head. I finish off with light lip-gloss, grab a small black purse and hit the road. I pull up to the restaurant at 6:40, leaving me five minutes to gather my courage, or run away… which is what I really want to do for so, so many reasons. I rest my forehead on the cool steering wheel of my truck, breathing deeply and trying to gather my courage.

I don't know how long I've been sitting like this when a hard knock at my window makes me scream and jump so high I almost hit my head on the roof. I put my hand over my racing heart, getting ready to give whomever just scared the shit out of me a piece of my mind, when I hear one of my favorite sounds- Jacob's loud, booming laughter.

I whip my head to the driver's side window to see my best friend smiling and shaking his head at me. He steps back so I can open the door and I launch myself at him, knowing he would never let me fall. "Jake? It is so good to see you. I have missed you so damn much!"

He lifts me up in one of his patented, crushing bear hugs and says, "Yeah, I've missed you too, Bells." I stumble a little when he places me on my feet, but he catches me by my arms to steady me.

"How are you? I'm, I'm so, sorr…" I start to say quietly but he interrupts.

"Actually, I am pretty OK, so don't apologize. I understand, Bella, I do. I'm sorry it took me so long to talk to you." He mutters.

"You don't have to apologize. I understand. It sucked, but I get it. I have so much to tell you! And I want to hear all about what's going on with you, unfortunately, I have kind of a date." I spit the last word out as if it is poisonous to my body.

Jake chuckles, "I know. That's why I'm here." I look at him, confused.

"What do you mean? I'm waiting for some mystery date that Alice Cullen set up…" I trail off as I notice he is nodding his head enthusiastically and finally I get it, "It's you?" I gasp.

"Yep, it's me. I hope you're not disappointed."

"Not disappointed, just confused." I state.

"Come on, let's talk about it inside." He says with a smile. He puts his large hand on the small of my back to help me safely navigate the steps. As soon as I walk through the door, I feel Edward's presence. That pull toward him that lets me know he is close… I steadfastly ignore it. The hostess eyes Jake like he is a piece of candy and it's only then that I notice what he is wearing. Black jeans and a black, long-sleeve, thermal, both of which hug his body, accentuating his well-defined muscles. I shake my head at the woman now leading us to a table in the center of the dining room as she exaggeratedly swishes her hips. I suppose I should be upset that she is coming on to my "date" - I mean, she doesn't know we're just friends- but I can't be. He really is a fine, fine specimen. Oh, if only I could see him as something other than a friend and brother.

It is only once we are seated that I allow myself to give in to that powerful draw towards Edward. Out of the corner of my eyes, I can see he is seated across from Maggie at a small table by the window. There is one table in between us, but since it is empty, I have an unobstructed view. I can see his face easily from where I'm sitting. He is smiling at something she is saying. My eyes immediately well up with tears. Fuck! I can't do this! I'm just about to flee from the restaurant when I feel Jake put his big, warm, paw over my hand that is clenching the table cloth in my fist, "Bells, look at me." He says calmly. I slowly tear my eyes away from the torturous sight in front of me to look at my Jacob.

"Bella," he says with a soft smile, "don't cry, honey. It will be alright."

I try to leave my aching heart alone long enough to get some sort of explanation from Jake, "What exactly is going on? Why are you here? HOW are you here?"

"I'm here to help you get that boy that you love back." He states simply.

"What? Why? How did Alice set this all up? I didn't even know you talked to her."

"Alice is definitely a force of nature - when she wants something, she makes it fucking happen that's for sure." He chuckles again, "You know we talk every once in a while when I crash the clearing parties, right?" I nod, remembering they had a couple of conversations, but not knowing they actually _talked_. "Well, I was devastated when you turned me down," I wince and he shrugs, "and we ran in to each other at the beach. I was sulking and she was making out with Jasper. She helped me see that it wasn't the end of the world. That there were others out there; I just had to give them a chance. She helped me move on."

"Oh" was all I could say. I'm glad that Jake wasn't just sitting around being miserable the whole time we've been apart, but I am a little surprised – and hurt (there goes that damn internal honesty thing again) that he could move on so quickly. "So you are seeing someone then?"

"Yeah, and I really like her."

"Oh" I mutter again.

"Well, don't fall all over yourself to tell me how happy you are for me now." He says sarcastically.

"Oh, Jake I am happy for you, I'm just… just, shocked?"

"You know I'll always love you… you're my best friend, but over the past few weeks I realized that I wasn't _in love_ with you. Just in love with the idea of you- of having a life-long love. We grew up together, our dads are best friends… did you know my dad met my mom when he was five and she was three? I think I thought it was the natural next step, that that was the way things were supposed to go with us. My parents were really happy and I wanted that too. Besides, I always knew- deep, deep, down - your heart could never belong to me; you gave it away a long time ago." He smiles gently and lifts his chin in Edward's direction.

And the tears threaten to fall again. Luckily, the server chooses this moment to come by and take our order. Once he leaves, we are silent for just a beat too long. I know he's waiting for me to say something, but I'm not ready to deal with the elephant in the middle – or more precisely over by the window- of the room, so I say softly, "I am really happy for you. Tell me all about her. Is she from the Rez? What is she like? Does she appreciate your sarcastic sense of humor?"

"I'll tell you all about her soon, but now we have to get down to business – or Alice will kill us both!" He says as he grabs the hand I have resting on the table and links his fingers with mine. He starts to trace little circles over my knuckles and I feel my face blaze with heat. I would not be uncomfortable with Jake doing that in any setting, but here, out in the open – right in front of Edward, is just that much worse. I try to pull my hand away, but he holds it firmly in his grasp.

"Jake, I don't think that is really a good idea. I think Alice may be wrong about this one. I don't want Edward to date that girl, but I don't think this is the way to do it. I think he's smart enough - and despite what Alice thinks strong enough – to figure her out on his own. She should just tell him what she heard and try to convince him it's true." I can't help but glare as Maggie, feeds Edward a bite of Pad Thai from her fork. Bitch.

"I think it's working just fine." He holds my gaze as he smiles and pulls my hand to his lips for a kiss. I can't help but look uncomfortably over at Edward who now gesturing animatedly with his hands, obviously telling Maggie some exciting story.

"He hasn't even noticed I'm here." I whisper

Jake laughs, "Oh, he's noticed alright. He's been actively trying to ignore you ever since you pulled up out front. And failing. Miserably."

"I think you're seeing things. Every time I look at him he is enthralled with his _date_ or looking out the window." I huff.

"He can see your reflection in the glass. Look, he doesn't look right at you but he is still watching." He then starts running his fingers up and down my arm. I try to snatch it back, but Jake holds me in place, with a slight smirk. "Just go with it, Bells."

I make the mistake of looking furtively over at Edward's table and my heart drops to my feet as I see him bring her hand toward his face as if to kiss it. This is so not working, if anything it's pushing them further together. "Let me go Jacob. I have to go to the bathroom." I say as I yank my arm from his grasp, stand, and walk purposefully toward the ladies room in the back of the restaurant. I make it through the door just before the sobs break free. I hide myself in a stall and curl up on the toilette, resting my forehead on my knees, trying to keep my cries quiet. I thought I had become stronger than this, but apparently, when it comes to Edward, all the strength I have begun to feel goes out the window. After a couple of minutes I begin to feel better… even a little ridiculous for hiding in the bathroom, but just as I'm about to get up, I hear the door open, Edward's name rolling off a female voice. I peek out through the crack in the stall door.

"Edward and I are at Sabai Thai in Port Angeles. Yeah, It took him long enough to come around, but he finally figured out what's good for him. I figure it will take a couple of weeks before he'll be totally on my hook and then, it's make a small change here, make a small change there, before he even realizes, he will be a whole bright-shiny-new boy toy. He really is so easy to manipulate." Maggie says with a smile as she looks in the mirror, fixing her hair. Then she laughs at something said on the other line. "It's all about the challenge my friend. I mean, sure, I could go after one of the ready-made, popular jocks, but where's the fun in that? Anyway, I've gotta get back, so I'll talk to you later." She takes one last look in the mirror before leaving me alone in the deafening silence.

God-fucking-damn-it! I seethe, slamming the stall door open with enough force to make it bounce off the next stall over. Who the hell does she think she is? What right does she have to play with someone else's life? I clench my fists so tight my nails dig into my palms. I won't let her hurt Edward that way. I just don't know how to do it. It's my fault that he is even in this mess, so it's my responsibility to get him out of it. I thrust him into the spotlight after he successfully avoided it for years. If it wasn't for that, he wouldn't even be on Maggie's radar.

I walk slowly back to my table where Jake is eyeing me curiously over our newly delivered meals. I hear a high-pitched, whiney laugh and a deep, low chuckle and look over to see _her_ hand on his shoulder. I take my place across from Jake.

"You alright, Bells?"

"Not really. I just heard that bitch talking about Edward in the bathroom and he needs to get the fuck away from her. I don't think this…" he scowls as I gesture between him and I "is going to do the trick. I'm just not sure what to do about it." I sigh.

"OK, well maybe you should go talk to him? Tell him what you heard?" He suggests with an unreadable expression on his face.

"I don't think he'll believe anything I say to him right now." I whisper.

"Maybe if you and Alice both talk to him…?" He shrugs.

"Maybe, I concede." Jake gives me a tentative smile, but he knows me well enough to know when I need some quiet time to process things. So we spend the next few minutes eating, the clink of silverware on plates the only sound from our table. I try my damndest to ignore the pull toward Edward that has doubled since returning from the washroom. I do a pretty good job of it too until I feel an unfamiliar set of eyes on me. I look up to find Maggie has turned her chair slightly toward my table.

She stares directly at me with a wide smile on her face as she says loud enough for me to clearly hear, "I know people haven't always treated you the way they should, but I won't. I promise."

I stiffen and sit up ramrod straight in my chair with a hiss. AND I'm done. I'm fucking done. I don't care if he doesn't believe me, I am damn well going to at least tell him what Alice and I heard and I don't give a shit if it means humiliating myself in the middle of a restaurant. He may not want me, but he damn well deserves better than that lying, manipulating bitch!

I stand up so fast my chair clatters to the floor behind me causing the whole restaurant – including the two people I am currently moving toward- to look at me. I can feel the heat on my face, neck and chest rise with both anger and embarrassment, but I am determined. I finally reach their table and Edward's amazing green eyes are blazing at me. I flinch and look away only to meet Maggie's self-righteous smirk giving me renewed courage.

"She's lying, Edward. Don't listen to her. Don't trust her. She is just using you." I manage to spit out.

"Hmph" I hear "Well, I guess you'd know, right?" He mutters crossing his hands angrily across his chest.

"Yeah, yes I would. So you should listen to me. I heard her on the phone in the bathroom talking about how easily manipulated you are. How she wants to make you into some boy-toy." I look at him, pleading with my eyes to believe me.

"I have no reason to trust you. Maggie has done nothing but be my friend since we broke it off. She has been honest with me about her feelings, which is more than I can say for you."

"Please, please believe me. She's not right for you…" I start, but he interrupts by snapping:

"Oh, and I suppose you _are_ right for me? I told you. It's not going to happen." The tears that I had successfully held at bay come pouring down my face with that statement.

"No" I whisper, "I'm not good enough for you. I want to be right for you, but I'm just not good enough."

Ignoring the pain now slicing through my veins I push on, "Alice heard her too, she told me. Ask her if you don't believe me."  
>" Why don't we just ask Maggie?" he seethes turning back towards her "What is she talking about? Is what she says true?" he asks<p>

"I… ummmm…" she stutters looking around somewhat desperately, but before she can finish, Jake walks up behind me and puts large hands softly on my shoulders.

"Bells, let's just leave, OK? I left cash on the table, so let's just go."

"That's right, just go. I wouldn't want to ruin your evening. You looked pretty cozy." He says toward me then turns toward Jake "don't let her fool you. She doesn't put out. That's just a rumor. But if you're nice enough to her, she may give you one hell of a hand job."

I feel like I've just been slapped… I actually would have preferred if he had just hit me. "No matter what you think of me, please believe that Maggie is going to screw you over, too. I just had to try to warn you." I choke out, my voice sounding low and rough.

Jake tries pulling me toward the door, "Come on, Bella. You don't have to stand here and listen to this." His eyes are on Maggie's who is now in tears as he tries to pull me away, but Edward says,

"Believe you? I don't think I can ever believe another word you say. You lied to me."

"I never lied, Edward. I told you the truth from the beginning. I told you I would probably never be able to give you more than what we had. I told you that and you said you understood. But eventually I had to admit that you were more to me than just… sex… and that knowledge scared the shit out of me because to have you in my life… really _have_ you, I knew I would have to change, and as scary as that was, I did. I changed everything for you. I'll admit it took me awhile, but I threw away everything comfortable and familiar for just the small chance to keep you in my life. I stood outside your room in the pouring rain and professed my love for you and then repeated it in front of everyone we know – and some we don't. I know I hurt you. I know I wasn't very good to you, but I do love you. I always have. I always will." I am now panting with the effort it takes to hold myself still and not just slap him or shake some fucking sense into him, or kiss him.

"You love me? Well, tell that to your date. You seemed to be having no trouble getting over me during dinner." He sneered.

I sucked in a breath. I knew this would come back to haunt me. Why did I let Alice talk me into this? I'm a fucking idiot, but I know that it is time to give up and let Edward live his life without me. No more hope of being together, no more praying he will forgive me, I give up and let the pain swallow me whole. "OK, Edward. I'll leave you alone." I mumble just as Jake removes his hands from my shoulders

"You need to stop there emo-boy, shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you…" Jake says menacingly… and I just can't take anymore. I need to get out.

As I run for the door, I hear a voice call out, "Bella… Bella wait…" I can't begin to tell you who is calling my name, but it doesn't matter. I just need to go. I am hit with a wave of rain when I exit the building and it is only then I realize I left my purse, along with my car keys and phone, inside the restaurant, but I'll be damned if I'm going back. I start to run, just to put some distance between Edward and me. I concentrate on the sound of the steady rain, my heaving breaths, and the sound of my feet hitting the wet pavement. I don't know how long I run before I cannot take another step, so I find an alcove covered by an awning and sit, not caring that the ground is cold and damp as I'm already soaked to the bone. I'm in the entrance of a closed-down shop. It is set back a little, shielding me from most of the rain.

Only a minute or two passes when I hear a deep voice ground out, "Bella," but I don't even look up, hoping whoever it is will just go away. No such luck because suddenly, I'm pulled against someone warm with strong arms and it is then that it registers. I know that scent. I loathe that scent. I try to pull back, but he pushes my head more firmly against his chest.

"James?" I question, but I already know it's him. The smell of stale beer, tequila, and smoke is all too telling.

"Yep. It's OK. I've got you." He says with a smile in his voice.

I manage to pull away, wipe my tears, and look up at him, "Thanks, but I'm OK. I just had a rough night, but I'm going to head back now. My _date_ will be wondering where I am." I make sure to stress the word date, so he knows there is someone waiting for me, hopefully already looking for me.

"Oh, I don't think he'll be missing you any time soon." He chuckles darkly "I saw that whole scene in the restaurant. I knew you could use some _comfort_ so I followed you." He smiles, all teeth.

Alarm bells are going off inside my head and I know I need to get away from him. "Thanks, James, I appreciate the kind thought, but like I said, I have to get back to my date." I respond as I try to remove myself from his hold, but he just pulls me in tighter.

"He is otherwise occupied right now. It's just you and me for a little while." He pushes me back against the door and holds me there. I shiver, but I don't think it's the cold glass behind me.

"What do you mean? Where is Jacob? Is he OK?" I hope he and Edward aren't fighting. I don't want either of them getting hurt, especially over me.

"He's fine, but let's not talk about him right now. Let's talk about us." He sneers leaning in close to me.

My fear is palpable, but I hope that if I keep him talking, Jake will have enough time to find me… although I have to admit that I'm not really sure where I am. "There is no _us_ to talk about, so let's just walk back. I try to stand, but he grabs my wrists in one vice-like hand and lifts them over my head.  
>"Oh, there is plenty to talk about… let's start with why you rejected me in the woods? What is it that <em>all <em>those other guys did that I didn't… tell me so I know what to do now. It's my turn."

"There were no other boys… I lied… well they lied and I went along with it, so see, I didn't single you out. I'm really just a big, cock-tease." I say grasping at straws.

"I heard freak-boy say something like that, but I wasn't sure it was true. Tsk, tsk, tsk, you've been a naughty, naughty girl Isabella. That's fine, I was curious to find out what everyone saw in you, but instead I get to be the one to _teach_ you… there is no way Eddie knows what the fuck he's doing." He says as he runs his nose along my cheek and neck.

"What about Tori? Where is she tonight? Don't you think she might get pissed off?" I scramble, cringing as he moves his teeth roughly across my collarbone.

"Don't worry about Tori, she doesn't have to know… no one has to know." I look at him disbelievingly and he laughs, "You think I would tell anyone we fucked? Now? You're nothing anymore. Bella the all-ruling, bitch is gone and has been replaced by the social pariah that you have become. This isn't about notoriety. It's about finishing what we started in the woods… getting what should have already been mine!" He dives for my mouth, but I manage to turn my head and he hits my cheek instead. He growls in frustration and moves to straddle my legs for a better grip. I start to twist and turn to get out of his, now painful grip. I try to buck him off, but every move I make just seems to make him that much more determined. I still as he pulls a knife from his pocket and rubs it along my cheek. He moves in close and I can feel his arousal on my stomach. He whispers, "Go ahead and fight, it just makes it hotter and breaking you will be even more satisfying." He growls into my ear. I stop breathing as he runs the shiny, steel blade down my sopping wet shirt, slicing it open like butter.

"Please, James, please don't do this." I say barely audible.

"Begging works for me too." He growls as he roughly pulls my ruined shirt away from my skin. He slides the knife under my belt and slices it off with one flick of his wrist, and just like that, I am fully exposed to him. The only thing between him, that knife, and my skin is a flimsy, strapless bra. I freeze, unsure of my next move. I'm alone in a desolate part of town, no one knows where I am, I don't have my phone, and I'm trapped under a drunk, knife-wielding asshole hell-bent on taking what he wants… things seem pretty hopeless right now. I cringe as he licks me from the top of my bra to my ear and cry out when he bites my earlobe harshly. I feel him shiver at the sound of my pain, the sadistic fuck.

He leans back so he can look me in the eyes. His face seems… excited with his cruel smile and pupils so large they have all but taken over the usual cold, blue. "Oh, this is going to be so much fun, don't you think? Are you ready to feel a real man?" he growls as he moves his mouth closer to mine, his eyes daring me to refuse him. His free hand moves to the seam of my leggings and I feel a sharp poke as he pushes through the fabric with the blade. He pushes his lips roughly, pushing his tongue inside my mouth when I involuntarily gasp at the sharp sting of the blade traveling up my abdomen. He tastes like he smells… of alcohol and cigarettes. I take the opportunity to bite his invading tongue: hard. I briefly taste blood before he pulls away, dropping my hands and the knife in the process.

"Fucking, bitch! You fucking bit me!" I move before he has a chance to recover his composure, managing to push up with my hands and catch him off guard. He falls on the ground beside me and I'm up like a shot running as if my life depends on it… and maybe it does. My open shirt flaps in the wind and I try to hold it closed without losing any speed… or my balance. Luckily, the top of my leggings are still intact so even though the front is open exposing me to the cold wind and rain, they aren't going to fall down. I make it about a block before I feel him grab my hair, which causes me to lose my tentative-at-best balance and fall back. I hit the ground with a splash and a thud. Before I can even catch my breath, James is on top of me again.

"You. Will. Pay. For that." He grits out with an evil sneer. "but I do enjoy hunting my prey." He slaps me hard across the face and then licks the cheek he just hit. I am crying in earnest now; shuttering, heaving sobs wrack my body as James tries to pull me into the alley around the corner. I fight with everything I have. I try to scratch, bite, hit, kick, anything to get him to drop me, but it only causes him to curse and grip me even harder.

I don't hear or see anyone else around and he is too strong to fight off… especially now that his adrenaline has fully kicked in. I don't think I am getting out of it this time. Resigned to my fate, I stop fighting and just go numb and let my body become limp. I will not give him the satisfaction of fighting or begging. However, just as we are almost in the alley, I hear a voice from behind us. "Get your hands off her cock-sucker!"

James just laughs as he turns around holding me with my back to his chest. His hands wound tightly around my neck. "Give me another couple of minutes and I will disprove that statement." My eyes widen as they take in the sight in front of me… I've never been so grateful to see someone in my entire life.

"Motherfucker! I am going to fucking kill you!" He spits out.

"Yeah? Go ahead and try it, asshole." He pushes me out of the way hard enough that I find myself face down on the asphalt. I can feel blood streaming down my chin from where I bit my lip on the way down. I scramble away, hiding behind some garbage cans on the side of the closest building. I pull my knees up to my chin. The unrelenting rain mixes with my tears as I rock back and forth trying to soothe myself as I listen to the scuffle a few feet away.

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><p><strong>AN: Please don't kill me… I know it's a cliffie, but it just had to end there! Also, try not to be too hard on Edward. Sometimes boys are stupid. I could really use some words of love and encouragement right now folks, so please leave me a review! Thanks for reading**!


	18. Chapter 18: I'm Just a Jealous Guy

**A/N: I forgot to say last chapter that I have never been to Sabai Thai. I got the restaurant name from a website… but it does exist. I'm taking liberties with how it looks. I hope you don't mind! Also, you guys rule! I received very little flack for the cliffhanger… as long as I didn't wait too long to post this chapter, and mostly Edward will be forgiven as long as he is the one saving Bella… well let's find out shall we?**

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><p>Self Esteem Ch. 18: I'm Just a Jealous Guy<p>

Edward:

Usually, I look forward to Fridays but today, not so much. The day goes by in a haze. Of course, Maggie meets me at my car and we walk to first together. She sits at my lunch table and talks about nothing in particular. I nod and smile at the right times, hoping she doesn't notice that I have no idea as to what she is saying.

Biology. By now, I'm all too familiar with the love/hate relationship I have for that Goddamn class. I really need to get over myself. As usual, I feel that heady pull toward Bella and the hum of the electricity that always seems to crackle between us, but I still make sure to only look at her from the corner of my eye. She seems to be paying more attention to me today, it makes me nervous. Half-way through class she slides a piece of paper over to my side of the table.

I consider ignoring it or reading later when she can't watch my reaction, but finally I decide I'm too curious. Not to mention, I want to hear her words too badly, even if they are just on paper.

_Edward,_

_I know I fucked things up between us beyond repair, but I want to say how sorry I am for everything I did. I understand why you can't even look at me, but I want you to know that despite the fact that I am a pariah around here, I feel better about MYSELF now that I am not trying to live up to my reputation. You gave me the courage to do that and I thank you from the bottom of my heart._

_Bella_

I put it in my jeans pocket and really take in the way she looks today. Over the past few weeks, she has become thinner and usually has dark circles under her eyes. She usually wears baggie, dark, non-descript clothes- obviously taking a page out of my book. Today, however, she looks better. Her eyes aren't as dark and sunken in as usual, she is wearing a brighter blue, more fitted shirt and tight jeans. I wonder who she is dressing up for, certainly not me, especially after that note.

God, she is beautiful. If only things were different… they should be fucking different. I'm not sure I can keep my composure if I speak, so I just nod at her and try to concentrate on what Banner is saying. Unfortunately, all I can think is that she is finally giving up, letting me go… maybe moving on to someone else. I know I've said all along that is what I want, but, now that she actually seems to be doing it, it cuts like a knife. I run my hands through my hair to keep from shaking the hell out of her or kissing her until she can't speak. Time inches by, painfully slow, for the rest of the class. Each tick of the now unnaturally loud clock on the wall, brings with it a new thought.

Click: Tell her the truth

Click: Fuck her… you'll get over her…

Click: Maybe Maggie and I will hit it off

Click: Who am I kidding, Bella is who I want, flaws and all.

Click: Tell her the truth

And so it goes, on and on until the bell rings. I tear out of class, putting as much distance between Bella and me as possible in the shortest amount of time.

I thank the Gods and Gaia and any other all knowing being, when school is finally over.

I just want to go home and spend a couple of hours taking out my frustration on my piano, but before I escape, Maggie catches up to me in the parking lot.

"Hey, there. You were kind of out of it today. Everything OK?" She asks.

"Yeah, I'm just…" I do some quick thinking and come up with, "looking forward to tonight. And you know how shy I am, I've been coming up with appropriate non-date topics all day."

"You were? Oh, well… um… good? I guess. What did you come up with?" she questions, sounding unsure.

"Oh, you know, the weather, your family, where you want to go to college, the Occult, internet porn… that sort of stuff. You know the normal first date – er- non-date sort of stuff." _Internet porn? WTF, Edward? I admonish myself._

Luckily, she laughs heartily, "Oh, good. I wouldn't want things to be awkward." Over Maggie's shoulder, I see Bella walking to her truck and I scowl forgetting that Maggie is right in front of me. I'm afraid she might look behind her and see Bella, but she just stares at me curiously and says, "Are you sure about tonight, Edward? Are you sure there isn't anything else you need to do?"

"Nope. I'm good. So I'll see you tonight. Dinner is at 6:30pm, so what time should I pick you up?"

"I'm going to drive myself. I have to do some shopping in PA anyway, so I'm just going to head out there before the stores close and I'll meet you at the restaurant… besides it's not a _real_ date, right?" She teases.

"OK, if that's the way you want to do it then I'll see you at the restaurant tonight." I say before escaping to the security of my car.

A couple of hours, some furious Bach and Debussy later, I find myself stuck in my closet with Alice. "You need to wear something nice, but not too nice. Something that will show off your physique, without being obvious." She rambles more to herself than to me, "and it has to be green, she loves you in green." She mutters under her breath. Great, Maggie loves me in green. Terrific. She pulls out a sleek forest green button down shirt and pairs it with some charcoal pants. "Leave the first two buttons undone and tuck it in. You'll be perfect." She smiles and claps her hands.

"Fine." I reply, not really caring what the hell I wear.

"Edward, you don't have to go through with this." She offers.

"Yes, I do. I have to… I mean I want to. It will be good for me… and I like Maggie well enough."

"Oh, you 'like her well enough' huh, sounds like a match made in heaven." She rolls her eyes.

"One date does not need to mean I have to make a life-long commitment… besides this isn't even a real date." I say more to convince myself than her. "Now go away so I can get ready."

"OK, brother mine, you win. Have fun tonight." She laughs evilly as she heads out of my room. Damn, meddling, little pixie! I can do this, I know I can. I psych myself up.

When I show up at Sabai Thai at 6:30pm, showered, shaved, and wearing the previously approved clothing, Maggie is already there, standing in front of the restaurant. She smiles and waves when she sees me.

"Hey, you're here." She says as if she's a little surprised.

"Yep, I told you I would be." I try to smile, "Shall we?" I say as I hold the door open and usher her through. The overly friendly hostess sees us to a table for two by the window. The restaurant is nice, done in rich golds and vivid reds. The waiter takes our drink orders and leaves us to look at the menus as Maggie and I sit in uncomfortable silence.

"So…" we say at the same time causing us to laugh releasing a little of the tension.

"The weather is crappy, I am an only child to overprotective parents, UW, it creeps me out, and I'm a fan." She smirks as I look at her confusion plain on my face. She giggles, "You know, the answers to the non-date topics from earlier?"

"OH!" I chuckle and shake my head, "right. Sorry…. wait… you're a fan of internet porn?" I ask shocked.

"Yeah, who isn't? It's not just for boys you know. Some of it is extremely sexy." She smiles and waggles her eyebrows.

"Yeah, I guess." I reply, not quite sure what to say. I turn my head toward the window to gather my thoughts after that joyous interaction only to see a familiar piece of shit truck parked right outside. Shit! What is she doing here? She can't be coming here for dinner, right? That would just be too coincidental, right? I watch in horror as she jumps out of the truck and flings herself into Jacob Black's waiting arms. I start to breathe heavy as my anger rises to new levels.

No wonder she looked so much better today … she is moving on, to Jacob. He has been after her for as long as I can remember. Maybe Bella finally realized that she has feelings for him too. They look pretty happy with their arms around each other as if they haven't seen each other in weeks. He must sense he is being watched because he looks up at the window and winks… fucker! That's my girl you're holding onto, buddy. Watch yourself.

And then it hits me… she is my girl… at least I want her to be, and in spite of her flaws and her mistakes, in spite of Bella the Bitch, I do love her. Maybe I shouldn't, maybe it makes me a fucking pussy for feeling the way I do after she jerked me around, but I _do_ feel it. At first, I'm elated with this realization, but that feeling crashes to the ground as I watch Jacob escort her gently up the stairs. I'm too late. She looks happier than she has in over a month. I refuse to look at them as they are seated at a small table in the middle of the room, instead, forcing myself to look forward… right into Maggie's knowing eyes. Shit.

"Maggie… I… I… I'm so sorry. It's nothing, let's just enjoy our evening." I sputter.

"Edward, I…" but I cut her off

"I'm sorry, but I was just so shocked to see her here, tonight, with Jacob fucking Black." I grunt out through clenched teeth… I'm sure that was really convincing. I sigh, "I know, I'm an ass. We can go right now if you want to." I whisper looking at my hands.

Then I hear the most unexpected noise… Maggie's laugh. My head snaps up and I catch her rather amused eyes. "You're not an ass, you are just in love." She says with a smile.

Well, fuck. That has to be the absolute last thing I thought she would say. "What? I don't understand." I shake my head.

"Bella, you're in love with her. I can tell. It's OK, Edward I get it."

The words have barely left her mouth before I say, "You're right, I do. I love her, mistakes, sharp-tongue, bad reputation and everything." I sigh out feeling a thousand pounds lighter. I take a second to watch Bella's reflection in the plate glass window. At least I can torture myself without having to actually stare directly at her.

"I know you do. It's pretty obvious you know. You watch her when you think no one is looking, you try too hard when she is around, laughing a little louder, smiling a little brighter. You can't walk through the halls without looking at her locker. You go out of your way to walk by her classes… really Edward, who do you think you were fooling?" She says gently.

"Well, then what is this tonight?" I question, running my hands roughly through my hair.

"I had hoped that by going out with me tonight, you would either decide to _really_ try to get over her instead of just talking about it, or realize that you want her in your life."

"But what about you? I do like you, Maggie, just not in that way. I don't want to hurt you, I'm sorry."

"I care about you too, Edward… as a friend, but to tell the truth, you aren't really my type." She shrugs.

"So all the flirting, all the time we spent together was just… what?" I ask starting to get a little pissed off.

"Friendship, Edward. I don't think you are used to people treating you with kindness and respect. When was the last time you had a friend outside of your family - and the Hales? I was just doing what friends do. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression… I admit I tend to be a little flirty, but I'm like that with everyone."

I give her a wide, relieved, smile in response, "So this really_ isn't_ a date?"

"Nope, not a date, but that doesn't mean we can't have a good time, right?"

"No, no it doesn't." I scowl in Bella's direction who is now having some sort of intense conversation with Jacob.

Maggie's eyes follow my gaze, "Why don't you go talk to her? Tell her how you feel?"

"I can't. Look at her. She is on a date… that she seems to be enjoying." I say as they hold hands across the table.

"We can go if you want. I don't want you to be uncomfortable." She offers, but the thought of leaving now, when _he_ had his hands on _my_ Bella, makes me sick to my stomach.

"No. You're right. We are just two friends hanging out on a Friday night. It'll be fine." I say trying to swallow the bitterness rising in my throat.

"Well, OK then." She nods as the waiter finally comes back for our order. I glare at him. Don't think I didn't see you eyeing Bella, you bastard. Keep your eyes to yourself or you might just lose them. I'm having enough trouble keeping my temper with Jacob over there. I continue to try not to watch Bella and Jacob, but more often than not, I find myself looking at their reflection in the glass even as Maggie and I chat amicably until our food arrives.

"MMMM. Oh, Edward, you have to try this. It's so good!" She leans over with a fork full of Pad Thai so I can have a bite. She's right, it is very good. I hum and nod my approval, then thank her for the taste before shooting another glance at Bella.

Maggie giggles, "Oh, Edward, go talk to her. You're killing yourself pretending she isn't right there, with another guy. Just talk to her." I sneak another look, thinking maybe she's right and I should go talk to her only to find Jacob kissing the back of her hand.

My anger – or jealousy as the case may be- makes my skin prickle at the sight of his lips on her hand. I force my eyes back to my own table, "No, apparently I'm too late. Apparently her declaration of love was only good for a few weeks because she looks pretty cozy with that giant-ass dog!" I don't even realize that my hands are flinging wildly about until Maggie tries to grab them.

"Edward, stop… ouch!" her fingers get in the way of my insistent flailing and I hit her middle finger, bending the fingernail back. I pull her hand over to study the damage I inflicted more closely. There is a little blood pooled beneath the cuticle.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." I sigh.

Her eyes sweep the dining room before pointing back to the restrooms, "It's OK. I'm just going to run some water on this. I'll be right back." She gets up as I nod.

As she walks away from the table, I try to steal another look at Bella in the window, but she isn't there. Damn, I really want to see her. She is wearing the most perfect shade of blue- I love her in blue. It sets off her beautiful, chocolate eyes and amazing chestnut hair. I bury my face in my hands. What the fuck am I doing? I can't sit here and ignore her when she is only a table away… with someone else. Besides I have to get a hold of myself before I talk to or things could become even more fucked up than they already are.

As soon as Maggie gets back, I'm just going to pay the bill and go home… at least she has her own car so we don't have to continue this _lovely evening_ all the way home. I know I won't be much company on the long drive back. I'm sure I'll spend all of it sulking and feeling sorry for myself- because that's what I do. I'm so lost in my thoughts, I jump when I hear Bruno Mars belting out Just the Way You Are. I smirk when I see Jacob pick up his phone. Really? Bruno fucking Mars? Wow. What a douche… I'm starting to feel slightly superior to him based on ring tone choice alone, when I catch the look in his eyes. He really likes whomever he is currently speaking to on the other line. I should know, I've spent most of my life quietly perfecting the art of people-watching, learning to read people's thoughts and emotions by facial features and body language alone. And Jacob looks like a kid on Christmas morning. I lean over, subtly trying to hear what he is saying. He talks too low to make out the actual words, but the tenor and cadence of his voice is soft, kind, and caring and I start to get pissed all over again.

I'm not sure where Bella went, but I'm almost positive he is _not_ talking to her on the phone seeing as how he is on an actual date with her and could just wait two minutes until she is back at the table. He had better not fuck her over or I'll kick his oversized Quileute ass. When he hangs up, I turn my irate face away so the overgrown idiot won't catch me staring. I'm in the middle of debating whether to go over and confront him when Maggie suddenly appears at the table. I smile, trying to hide my ire from her, but she sits down looking puzzled.

"What happened? You were fine when I left?" She raises both brows in question.

I snap my mouth shut with a sharp click of my teeth and grind out, "Nothing. I'm fine." But my strained voice and tense body give me away.

She looks at me with concern. "Edward, you can talk to me, you know. I was only gone a few minutes… I think I can guess _who_ pissed you off." She looks over at Jacob, who is now in a seemingly serious conversation with a newly returned Bella. I exhale all the breath in my lungs in frustration. Maggie leans forward causing her chair to turn slightly toward the interior of the restaurant and looks up to say, "I know people haven't always treated you the way they should, but I won't break your trust. I promise."

I'm about to admit this night is a bust and tell her that we should just leave when I hear a loud clatter ring throughout the dining room. I turn in time to see Bella walking determinedly toward us. She looks back and forth between Maggie and me only to clench her already white-knuckled hands more firmly at her sides. "She's lying, Edward. Don't listen to her. Don't trust her. She is just using you." She spews.

What the fuck! How dare she come over here and insult one of the only people who have really been there for me… someone who was even trying to get me to open up to her tonight. Before I really think, I retort, "Well, I guess you'd know, right?" I cross my arms over my chest hoping it will help calm my frantic breathing.

Bella flinches but says, "Yeah. Yes I would. So you should listen to me. I heard her on the phone in the bathroom talking about how easily manipulated you are. How she wants to make you into some boy-toy." She certainly looks sincere, but how can I trust her after everything, besides don't really think Maggie would do something like that.

Again, my mouth opens before my brain can process what I'm going to say, "I have no reason to trust you. Maggie has done nothing but be my friend since we… broke it off." _If that is what we did, _"She has been honest with me about her feelings, which is more than I can say for you."

"Please, please believe me. She's not right for you…" She begs, but I cut her off before I give in and put my arms around her.

"Oh, and I suppose you _are_ right for me? I told you. It's not going to happen." Shit, she's crying now… why am I being such a fucking asshole!

"No, I'm not good enough for you. I want to be right for you, but I'm just not good enough." She wipes the tears from her face before saying, "Alice heard her too, she told me. Ask her yourself if you don't believe me."  
>" Why don't we just ask Maggie? What is she talking about? Is what she says true?" I snap turning my head towards the person in question. At this point, I'm not sure whether I want Maggie to confirm or deny the accusation.<p>

"I… ummmm…" she sputters and looks over Bella's shoulder with wide, pleading eyes just as Jacob comes up from behind her.

"Bells, let's just leave, OK? I left cash on the table, so let's just go." He puts his hands gently on her shoulders and I see red.

"That's right, just go. I wouldn't want to ruin your evening. You looked pretty cozy." _WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME, STOP TALKING! _"don't let her fool you. She doesn't put out. That's just a rumor. But if you're nice enough to her, she may give you one hell of a hand job." _WHY CAN'T I JUST KEEP MY FUCKING MOUTH SHUT! I cringe._

Bella actually stumbles as if I physically hit her, "No matter what you think of me, please believe that Maggie is going to screw you over. I just had to at least try and warn you." her voice sounds horrible.

"Come on, Bella. You don't have to stand here and listen to this." Jacob says gently trying to pull her toward the front door before I can open my big fucking mouth again.

_But it is all ready too late, _"Believe you? I don't think I can ever believe another word you say. You lied to me." And there it is… the real reason I don't want to trust her, the real reason my mouth took over for my brain tonight. I'm hurt, jealous. She betrayed me. Her hands were on other guys while we were together. She led me to believe she cared about me and then only after she completely crushed me did she declare she loved me… and then she withdrew, from everyone… from me, she didn't even fight. And now she has moved on so quickly to the only person I ever thought was real competition… besides Bella the Bitch herself. She has known him since they were in diapers and he has always made it abundantly clear that he wants more than just friendship from her.

"I never lied, Edward. I told you the truth from the beginning. I told you I most likely would never be able to give you more than what we had. I told you that from the beginning and you said you understood. But eventually I had to admit to myself that you were more to me than just… sex… and that knowledge scared the shit out of me because to have you in my life… really _have_ you, I knew I would have to change, but as scary as it was, I did. I changed everything for you. I'll admit it took me awhile, but I threw away everything comfortable and familiar for just the small chance to keep you in my life. I stood outside your room in the pouring rain and professed my love for you and then repeated it in front of everyone we know – and some we don't. I know I hurt you. I know I wasn't very good to you, but I do love you. I always have. I always will." She says, her whole body shaking with what? Anger? Pain? Fear? I'm not sure.

Actually, the only thing I'm sure about in this moment is that she is right. I did go along with it. I did say I was alright with taking her the only way she could give herself at the time. I know I should tell her this, see if we can go talk like civilized people and try to work it out, but instead, I let my jealousy at seeing her with Jacob- and the anger I have at myself- take over.

"You love me? Well, tell that to your date. You seemed to be having no trouble getting over me during dinner." _OH, fuck me! Shut-up!_ I want to take it back as soon as the words spewed from my mouth, but I know I can't.

She gasps before saying slowly, "OK, Edward. I'll leave you alone." Big, fat, tears fall from her beautiful brown eyes and flow down her now bright red cheeks.

Jake begins flexing his fingers at his sides, obviously trying to remain calm. He just manages to say a little too calmly for my liking, "You need to stop there emo-boy, shut your fucking mouth before I shut it for you…" before Bella takes off for the door.

The sight of her fleeing from the pain I caused her tonight, finally crumbles my walls of anger and pain and suddenly all I want is her… however I can have her, "Bella… Bella wait…"

"Bella wait? Why should she wait? So you can continue to tear down her already fragile self-esteem? So you can cut her a little deeper?" He says as he steps toward, a now crying Maggie. I watch him disbelievingly as he pulls her into his side closely. What the fuck is he doing, first Bella and now Maggie?

"Oh, Jake. This is all fucked up." She cries and buries her head in his chest. What the hell? Now I'm really confused.

"It's OK, babe. Don't worry. We'll fix this." _Babe? _They're together? How? When? Why? But before I can find my voice to ask, Jacob, pulls out his phone and dials, "Alice, you better get over here. Now."

"I want answers, now! What the hell is going on? Maggie? Jacob, why are you calling my sister?" I growl, my voice a little louder than absolutely necessary. I look around the dining room noticing the wait staff and someone, who I assume is the manager, all looking on with interest, damn small towns. I stand there in front of the small table, looking between Maggie and Jacob incredulously and waiting for an answer.

"What happened? Where's Bella?" I hear a familiar high-pitched voice ask from the now doorway.

"Alice, what the fuck?" I spit out. She holds her hand out telling me to hold on before turning to the now entangled people in front of me.

"Alice, things got so out of hand. We tried to make them jealous; we tried to get them to talk to each other… I even baited her with a phone call in the bathroom, but instead of pushing them together, we pushed them further apart." Maggie says from underneath Jacob's arm.

By now, I'm so angry I can't see straight. I'm starting to get the picture. Somehow, my meddling, imp of a sister set this shit up. I'm not sure how, but I know she did it. "ALICE…" her name a curse word ripped from my mouth.

"OK, what happened?" She asks ignoring me completely. I would be more pissed off, but I have to admit I am still not sure what the fuck happened, so I listen closely to Maggie and Jacob as they fill her in. I have to admit, my heart unclenches a little when I realize Bella wasn't on a real date with Jacob, and then it lessens even more as I hear that Bella was just as much a pawn in this as I was- I have to admit, I wasn't sure at first. However, I feel my anger start to rise again when I finally get the whole picture because this set up was too complicated to have been a last minute thing, they must have been planning it for a long time.

"What did you do, Alice?" I say through clenched teeth.

"What did _I_ do? What did_ you_ do? This plan was meticulous, perfect. All you had to do was finally listen to your heart, but no, you are too fucking stubborn. What the hell is wrong with you, Edward? Why would you speak to her that way? I know you love her… hell Maggie just said that you admitted as much to her tonight." I stare at her in disbelief. _She_ is mad at _me_? What the hell!

"Yes, Alice, I do love her… and I don't know how I will atone for saying those horrible things to her tonight- and I will try. I was just so angry, so jealous. I couldn't stop my mouth before the words came flying out. But, what on earth made you think something like this would work? What about Bella? Didn't you think about what could happen if your little plan went wrong?" I raise my arms wide indicating this little disaster… if she wasn't my sister, I swear I'd kick her ass, girl or not.

"Edward… I was trying to help! I thought a little mutual jealousy and some pushing from some outside forces would get you two to see you should be together… I'm sorry!"

I bark out a hateful laugh, "You're sorry? You are sorry? I told you not to get in the middle of this, didn't I? I told you to leave it alone, didn't I? You never listen to me and now look." I pant out through my anger.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. You two are just so damn stubborn! You never would have gotten together on your own and I just wanted to help. We all…" she gestures around at Jacob, Maggie and back to herself, "know you two love each other and we just wanted you to stop being so idiotic and realize it already. Bella is all like: _'he's too good for me… I deserve his hate… I caused him so much pain…' _and you are all like: _'she hurt me… I don't care that I've been in love with her my whole life, I can't go back to her'_ it was utterly ridiculous and something had to be done."

I sigh with frustration, I can't believe she is standing there justifying this shit. I turn my attention toward Maggie unable to deal with Alice at the moment, "So, how long have you been in on this? Has the whole thing been a charade? I thought you were my friend."

"I am your friend, that's why I agreed to this. I just want you to be happy. It's been so nice talking to you… getting to know you all over again… and the thing that came through the clearest is that you won't truly be happy without Bella. So I agreed to help Alice with her crazy scheme." She shrugs and then adds in a small voice, "I'm sorry that it ended up backfiring. I'm sorry that you got hurt… and that Bella got hurt."

I nod at her and turn to the next guilty party "Jacob, what the fuck, man? I thought she was your best friend? How could you do this to her?" I spit out.

"Don't get all high and mighty on me, Cullen. I did this _for _her, not to hurt her. I would never hurt her the way you just did. You seriously need to examine why you were so hateful to her tonight… and then fix it… now." He growls.

I open my mouth to ask him who he thinks he is but as soon as I do, I realize he's right. Yes, I am angry. But at who? At Bella? Yes, for not loving me the way I wanted her to, when I wanted her to, for taking so long to realize how she feels… for letting me go so easily. But I'm mostly angry at myself, furious actually. I _let _her do those things to me… I didn't stand up for myself when I felt used. I didn't demand to be treated with respect. I knew what she was doing the whole time and I accepted it. Then when she was finally ready to allow me in, I pushed her away only to then I change as well. I started allowing others to see the real me. I stopped keeping everyone – but the one person I wanted to hold close more than anyone- at arm's length. I told myself I was just ready. I told myself I did it for myself, but if I'm honest with myself, I also did it to hurt Bella. Fuck. That's why I reacted so viscerally tonight. Jacob is right, I have to fix this… now.

I must have been quiet for too long because I look up to see the three of them staring at me, - as well as everyone else in the restaurant- so I say, "You're right, Jacob. I need to try to fix this." I pinch the bridge of my nose and do some quick calculating, "The way her piece of shit truck runs, she can't be more than half-way home. I could probably catch her… or at least pull into her house right behind her. I've got to go!"

I pull out my wallet and throw some money on the table, checking for my keys in my pocket. My sister is jumping up and down clapping with glee, but I give her a death stare, "Alice, don't be so fucking happy, this conversation isn't over between us. It's just been postponed." But she just smiles.

"Hey, don't dis the truck, man. It's a classic… and I rebuilt that sucker myself." He says gesturing toward the window.

"Wait, if her truck is still here, where is she?" Everyone shrugs, "Call her" Surprisingly, it's Alice who pulls out her phone only to hear a soft ring from the middle of the room. "Fuck!" I rush over where Bella was sitting earlier tonight finding her jacket and purse. "She must be on foot. I have to go find her."

Maggie smiles at me and nods toward the door, "Go get her. We'll be here." I nod back and practically run for the door. I'm still pretty pissed at all three of them, but now is not the time.

It's fucking pouring out here! Shit. Which way did she go? I scan the area looking for any sign of her. She must be freezing out here. I rub my arms and finally decide to go left, into town hoping that she had the forethought of mind to stay amongst other people. I'll circle back around to the other side of town if I don't find her there first. I look in the windows of the few stores that are still open this late, but catch no sight of her, so I head back toward the more industrial part of town, but I don't see her there either. I'm about to give up and see if she made her way back to get her car, when I hear voices from around the corner of an alley. They are faint, due to the rain, but the closer I get the clearer they become… it's Bella… and James? Oh, fuck. I pick up speed and turn the corner just in time to see him pulling her into the alleyway.

Without thinking, bite out, "Get your hands off her cock-sucker!" Trying to take his attention off of Bella.

I hear his deep chuckle as he simultaneously whips around to face me, grabbing Bella by the neck and pulling her back flush against his chest. "Give me another couple of minutes and I will disprove that statement."

The sight of his hands wrapped around Bella's throat is enough to make me see red, but his intimation that he was going to touch Bella in other, more sadistic ways makes me murderous. "Motherfucker! I am going to fucking kill you!" I scream as I slowly walk toward them.

"Yeah? Go ahead and try it, asshole." He screams and pushes Bella to the ground forcefully, causing her to lose her breath when she hits the ground with a hard thud. He stalks forward to meet me half way, daring me to start, but I don't make a move until I see Bella take refuge behind some metal garbage cans. Then I rush the son of a bitch as fast as I can, hitting him full force in the chest and knocking him to the ground with me on top of him.

I'm in a blind rage and not exactly sure what I'm doing, all I know is every time my fist hits his face the sound of flesh hitting flesh makes me feel more satisfied. By the time he manages to buck me off, he is bleeding from his mouth, his nose, and gashes above his eyebrows. His eyes are already starting to swell shut, but he manages to get to his feet and get a few hits in before I use a roundhouse to his ribs to knock him off kilter and put him down on the ground once more. I put every ounce of pain and anger I have been feeling over the past few weeks into pummeling James. I hear several cracks as I strike his ribcage and his face depending on where he holds his hands in protection. I know I've lost it and I should stop, but I can't.

"Edward! Stop! You're gonna kill him! Please, he's not worth it." I hear Bella cry from a few feet away and even the sound of her pleading voice doesn't stop me. I take one more swipe at James's face before I feel myself being pulled off his body.

"What the fuck!" I scream struggling to get out of a vice-like grip.

"You need to stop, man. You really are going to kill him." I hear the unmistakable voice of Jacob Black respond.

"I don't give a shit! He deserves it! Did you see what he did to Bella? Let me the fuck go, asshole!" I struggle a little harder and he lifts me off the ground… damn, he's fucking big… and strong, but I'm too riled up to stop fighting.

"Yeah, I saw. We called the cops. They're on the way. I'll watch him until they have him, but right now she needs you." Those words finally register and I stop struggling.

"Bella? Is she OK?"

"You good?" he asks.

"I'm good. You can let me go now. I'm just gonna go check on her." I say my voice coming out gravely and rough. As soon as my feet hit the asphalt, I run to where Maggie and Alice are trying to calm Bella who is a shaking, sobbing mess curled into a ball on the cold wet ground. She clutches her ruined shirt closed around her chest, but I still see the bite marks on her neck and small cuts on her collarbone that look like they may have been made by a knife. I quickly unbutton my shirt and squat down to wrap it around her shoulders. "Bella, It's OK, baby, I've got you. Sit up a little so we can button this shirt and then we'll go inside and get you warm, OK?" I say gently.

"Edward… I'm sorry…" she pleads as she complies with my request.

"No, no, It's alright. You're safe now." She tries to button the shirt herself, but her hands are shaking too violently, so without thinking I lean in and help her. She grabs my undershirt and pulls me to her as she sobs into my shoulder.

I pick her up tenderly and start walking back toward the restaurant when Alice says, "Edward, I drove your car here. Why don't you put her in the back seat so she can get warm. I'm sure the police will want to talk to her as soon as they get here. I nod and head to my car. I gently place her in the back seat and make to stand up and help Jacob keep an eye on the piece of shit groaning on the ground, but Bella sobs and pulls me closer.

"Please, don't let go. Just hold me even if it is only for right now." I can't stand the pleading and resigned tone in her voice so I get in behind her and let her lay her head on my lap. I find myself gently running my hands through her wet hair and humming a quiet melody. She is so tired, but she fights to keep her eyes open.

"It's OK, you can sleep. I'll still be here when you wake up." I reassure her. When she finally starts to drift off I whisper, "I'm not going anywhere. I won't let you go – ever again."

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><p><strong>OK, folks. I hope you all liked it! We are almost at the end. Only a few chapters left now. I was thinking of making next chapter a kind of outtake, explaining how Alice came up with all her shenanigans and how Maggie and Jacob got together and became a part of it all. What do you guys think? Interested or not? Please leave me a review. You know I love them!<strong>


	19. Chapter 19: Finally!

**A/N: Sorry, I didn't get back to a lot of your comments, but I really appreciate every one of them. They always make my day. Consensus was that you wanted Bella and Edward, so here you go! LEMON warning!**

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><p>Self Esteem Ch 19: Finally!<p>

Bella:

Edward hits James over and over and over, his face, his body, anywhere within reach. James is bleeding from… his face, I think? Maybe elsewhere as well, I'm not sure. I should tell Edward to stop now, but I can't make the words leave my mouth. All I can do is sit here shivering and watching the scene unfold in front of me. In the second James stops fighting back or even trying to protect himself, I'm sure that Edward will stop… but he doesn't. He keeps throwing punches. The knowledge that Edward could _really_ hurt him helps me find my voice. "Edward! Stop! You're gonna kill him! Please, he's not worth it." But that doesn't stop his rampage. Edward pulls his right fist back for another blow to James's head, but he is lifted, forcibly, from his position of power by two strong arms. Jacob… thank, God!

Knowing that Jake will keep Edward from going after James again makes me feel slightly better, but I am still shaking and trying to catch my breath when I feel two sets of warm hands on my arms and soft female voices murmuring words of comfort close to my ears. I don't respond. I just sit there, praying for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

And then I hear the most beautiful sound, "Bella, It's OK, baby, I've got you. Sit up a little so we can button this shirt and then we'll go inside and get you warm, OK?" I automatically respond to Edwards's velvety voice, and sit up as he wraps his shirt around me to cover my exposed skin. He hisses loudly when he sees my chest, confirming that James left some kind of marks on my skin.

"Edward… I'm sorry…" The words bubble out. Sorry for… tonight, for hurting him, for not being stronger, for not valuing him when I had the chance, for… everything.

"No, no, It's alright. You're safe now." He soothes, as he buttons the shirt that my trembling fingers are not able to. I need to be as close to him as I can for as long as I can, so I clutch at his shirt to pull him closer. I find the crook between his neck and broad shoulder and continue to sob. He lifts me bridal style and starts walking… where? I'm not sure and I don't care as long as he doesn't let me go.

I vaguely hear someone. Alice maybe? Say, "Edward, I drove your car here. It should still be warm. Why don't you put her in the back seat so she can rest. I'm sure the police will want to talk to her as soon as they get here." The police? Fuck. Now everyone will know what happened not to mention I'll have to worry about my dad committing murder. I don't want to talk to _anyone,_ especially the police. Edward sets me gently on the soft leather seats in the back of his blissfully warm car and tries to step back through the still open door, but I grab at him frantically.

I can't stand the thought of him leaving. I have no way of knowing how long he will stay with me and I want every minute I can soak up before I'm alone again. "Please, don't let go. Just hold me even if it is only for right now." I manage, my tears that had been starting to dry threatening to fall once again. I try to hold my sleep heavy eyelids open, not wanting to sleep through what very well may be the last time I feel Edward's arms around me, but I know I'm fighting a losing battle.

But it's not until I hear him say, "It's OK, you can sleep. I'll still be here when you wake up." That I finally let go.

I'm startled awake by loud voices outside the car, immediately feeling the loss of Edward's warm arms. I see him talking with my dad- my loud, irate, dad- still in his chief uniform. I pull the door handle and they notice me at the same time both rushing over to help me steady myself as I get out of the car. Thankfully, it's stopped raining, but it has gotten colder and I am soaked to the bone. Dad notices me shiver and quickly wraps his warm coat around me. I manage a small, thank you before he has his arms around me as well.

"God, Bells! All they said was you were attacked and that I should get here as soon as possible. Goddamn fools. Are you OK? What happened? Did he hurt you?" He pushes back and scans me looking for any sign of injury. Thankfully, the marks James left are covered by Edward's shirt.

I move forward, needing the comfort of his big, warm, arms, "I'm sorry you were scared. I'm OK." I say into his chest.

"Are you hurt?" he questions.

"No, I'm f…" I start to say fine, but Edward breaks in.

"Don't say you're fine, Bella. Yes, Chief Swan, she is hurt. I couldn't tell how badly, but there were, um… marks on her neck and um… chest." He sputters avoiding the furious gaze of my father.

"Bella? He hurt you? What happened?"

"Dad, it's nothing. Just some scratches. I'll be fine. Don't worry. I just want to go home."

"You need to give a statement to the police first, tell them what happened, in detail… he didn't, um… didn't um…" dad says obviously trying to keep calm, but the way his hands are curled into fists at his sides give him away.

"No, Dad. Edward got here in time." I whisper.

"OH, thank, Christ! But you still have to give the PA police a statement. They were nice enough to let you sleep until I got here, but now we have to go to the station."

"I really don't want to. Can't we just go home?"

"Bells…" Charlie starts to say using his cop-voice, but Edward breaks in again.

"No, Bella. This time you have to make a report."

"This time? What do you mean this time?" Charlie eyes Edward, but speaks to me. "Has he hurt you before?"

"No." I say at the same time Edward says, "Yes." I want to be mad at him, but I'm just so damn happy that he hasn't left yet, that I really can't be. Charlie gives me his best cop-stare… the one he uses to break the big, bad criminals of Forks – you know shoplifting soccer moms, vandalizing teenagers, jay walkers.

I look at Edward, pleading him with my eyes not to make me do this, but he just crosses his arms over his chest and stands a little straighter letting me know he isn't backing down. "You tell him or I will." He says with an authoritative nod.

I sigh, "Yeah, I had a run-in with James before, but nothing really happened. Edward helped me then too." I say staring at the wet ground.

"What the… when… wait, James, isn't that the kid I saw in the hospital with the broken nose and fishy story a month or so ago? Edward, did you break his nose defending Bella?" he asks in a strained voice. My eyes automatically shoot to Edward, the last thing I want is for him to get in any trouble over me. Charlie looks slowly between Edward and me, finally getting that there is – or at least was- something more than friendship there. He sighs.

Completely ignoring his last revelation, I voice my concern, "Edward won't get in trouble, will he, Dad? I mean he saved me – twice."

"I'm not sure, kid, but he won't if I have anything to say about it." He answers, still looking at me expecting answers.

I'm just so fucking tired. I don't want to rehash the whole incident more than once so I beg, "If I have to tell the other officers, can I just tell you at the same time? I don't really want to have to repeat the story. Please, Daddy?"

Charlie looks at me carefully for a few seconds and then nods, pulling me back into his side "OK, baby-girl." I put my arms around him taking comfort from his familiar dad smell. "Well, let's get going. The _subject_ is being checked out by a doctor and then taken into custody based on the other witness reports, but you need to tell them what happened before they got here."

I nod, but ask, "Can I have a minute, please?" I say nodding my head toward the beautiful creature lurking just a little too close behind us.

"Yeah. Just don't be long. I'll be in the car." He says and walks toward his squad car.

As soon as my dad moves, Edward is standing right beside me, with his arms around me tightly. "It'll be OK, Bella."

"Thank you, Edward. Thank you so much. I don't know how I can ever repay you for what you did." I say shakily.

"Don't worry about it. Just go talk to the cops so that bastard can get what he deserves. Besides, if anything ever happened to you…" he trails off and just hugs me closer. God, I miss him. I don't ever want to let him go. Ever. After what seems like an incredibly short time, he kisses the top of my head and says, "You better go. I have to get home, I'm sure my mom is frantic by now. I called her so she knows I'm safe, but I know she won't relax until she sees me with her own eyes."

I nod, but refuse to break my hold on him. I am afraid it will be the last time he lets me do this and I'm not ready for it to end. I start to cry silent tears as he pushes back and looks at me. His face is soft and kind, but his words are final. "Bella, you have to let go. It's late and you still need to give a statement and you need to sleep." My heart sinks. I guess he is done comforting me now that the danger is over and he can see I'm OK. I'm sure he is more than ready to go back to Maggie. I guess I should be glad he is being nice about it… even if it is only from pity. He gives me one hug before I walk over and get in the car next to my dad.

When we arrive at the station, a female officer takes me into a small, private room so she can take pictures of my injuries. There are a couple of bite marks, some scratches most likely made by his fingernails, small cuts from the knife, and bruises on my neck, collarbone, breasts, and ribs. They also take pictures of my clothes and bag them for evidence. I don't ever want to see that outfit again, but it is a little difficult to let go of Edward's green button down. His scent still lingers even after the rain. They give me pair of old scrubs or something like that and a pair of socks… which will do me no good against the cold tile and rain soaked streets.

I spend the next few hours telling the officers everything that happened tonight as well as the previous incident. I am as vague as possible about my prior altercation with James… I'm already a pariah at Forks high school and I think people might actually stone me to death if I cause their favorite party spot to be shut down. Luckily, they only seem interested in what happened with James not why we were out in the woods in the first place. Charlie raises his eyebrows in question, but he lets it go. He must be worried about pushing me tonight because of everything that happened, and I'm more than grateful.

Apparently, Jake drove my truck home so I can ride home with my dad. We sit in relative silence the whole way home- the only sounds are an occasional sigh or cough and the hum of the motor. We are both too lost in our own thoughts and exhausted to talk. By the time we get home, it is well after 2:00am and I can barely stand I'm so tired, but somehow I manage to shower and try t wash away the night's events, but I barely manage to fall into bed before I'm dead to the world.

I wake up the next morning feeling hung over. I am groggy, sluggish, and have a roaring headache. I just want to roll over and go back to sleep. I want to be blissfully numb and not deal with anything for as long as possible. I'm not ready to face what involving the police means. I'm not ready to deal with statements and court dates and testimony. I don't want to think about James's hands on me. I don't want to think about running in the rain, worrying if I'll ever make it home again – at least in one piece. I don't want to think about Maggie and her backstabbing ways. I don't want to think about Alice and her stupid plot. And for the first time in I don't' know how long, I don't want to think about Edward. Thinking about him only reminds me that he is gone and that brings emptiness, pain, and sorrow. No, I don't want to think about any of these things, so of course it all keeps running on repeat through my head. I feel like I'm going crazy. The more I don't want to think about it, the more it comes to mind.

Finally realizing that neither the protective blanket of sleep nor the heavenly numbness I crave is coming anytime soon, I open my eyes and look at the clock. 11:30am. I sigh, and try to force my body to get up, but it refuses to obey. After a few more minutes of fighting with my body and mind, I hear a small knock on the door.

"Bells? You up?" Charlie says hesitantly, opening the door slowly and poking his head in.

"Sorta." I reply, my voice sounding low and gravely.

"You OK, Kid?"

"I will be." _I lie_

"I made breakfast but I didn't want to wake you. I wasn't sure what you'd be up for anyway. There is extra bacon in the fridge though. I know you love BLTs."

"Thanks." I reply, feeling genuinely touched. I know making me his favorite comfort food is his way of letting me know he cares.

After a few beats of awkward silence he finally asks, "Do you, ah… want to, um… talk? You know, about what happened?" It's nice of him to ask, but he is obviously praying for me to say no. It's not that he doesn't care or that he doesn't want me to talk to him- necessarily, it's just he doesn't know what to do to help and that makes him feel helpless, and the very last thing in the world that Chief Charlie Swan wants to feel is helpless.

"Not really. I just want to space out and relax today." I let him off the hook.

"Oh, OK, well. I was going to stay home from work…" he trails off.

"You don't have to do that, Dad. I'll be OK here. I'm planning to stay in my PJ's all day, have a BLT- thanks for that by the way- maybe pop some popcorn and watch a bad movie. I'll be fine." I know he doesn't like to miss work and really there is nothing he can do right now. Plus I'm sure that James is still either at the hospital or in lock-up in Port Angeles.

"You sure, Kid? I don't want to leave you here alone if you're upset or something."

"Mm-Hmm"

"OK, well I'll get ready and go, but you should call your mom."

"Oh my God, Dad, did you tell her what happened? She is probably just freaking out!"

"No, I didn't tell her. I didn't think to call on my way out and once we got home it was too late and you were safe, so I figured it could wait until today. But, Bells, you need to call and tell her. She should know. Besides, you may want to talk to her about everything. She's your mom. A woman."

I know telling her everything will only freak her out and she'll be on the next plane to Washington and I so do not want to take care of her while I'm struggling to just take care of myself. So I nod noncommittally.

"Bella, if you don't tell her, I will." Charlie catches more than he lets on sometimes.

"OK. I'll tell her." He looks at me with doubt, "No, I will. I promise."

"OK. Good. Now relax and zone out today. Call me if you need anything." He turns to leave, but turns back and says, "I love you."

"Love you, too." I lay there and stare at the closed door after he leaves, waiting for the energy or inclination to get up, but neither happens. I remain still, listening to the silence, interrupted only by the steady plinking of the incessant rain on the roof and the intermittent noises of Charlie getting ready for work. I hear the front door slam shut around 1:00pm and I finally drag myself out of bed.

I shuffle into the kitchen in search of caffeine and food. Finding no coffee made, and being too lazy to make some, I grab a can of Coke and the stuff for my BLT from the fridge. I guzzle one Coke while making the sandwich and grab another when I put everything away. A few bites later, I'm so lost in my sandwich that I jump when I hear someone knocking at the door. Even though I'm pretty sure it's Jake, I don't get up. I don't want to see anyone today… at least not anyone that would want to see me. I sit still, sandwich halfway to my mouth, trying not to breathe hoping that whoever it is will think no one's home and leave. The knocking becomes a little more insistent and then a lot more insistent. Just as I'm about to give in and get the door the knocking ceases and I take a deep breath, thankful to that the door knocker finally went away.

I finish my sandwich, clean up and head to the couch to find a good, bad movie… maybe Bubble Boy? That one always makes me laugh. Just as I'm about to start the video, I hear a quiet squeaking and a loud thud from upstairs. I stiffen, not sure what to do. I am suddenly very aware that I don't have my cell. Without really thinking, I grab a one of Charlie's thicker fishing poles and quietly sneak up the stairs. I hear a low muttering coming from my room, but it's too quiet to identify the voice. I take a deep breath and yell, "Get out of my house motherfucker!" slamming open the door at the same time, hoping to catch the intruder off guard. But as soon as I lay eyes on my would-be assailant, I drop the pole with a loud clang.

"Jesus Christ! Stop! It's me. It's me." Hands up in supplication.

"Edward? What? Why? Um…" I try to form a coherent question, but fail miserably and end up just standing in the middle of my room slack-jawed.

"You weren't answering your phone, so I decided to check on you in person. I saw your dad walking into the station on my way over, so I knew you were alone, and when you didn't answer the door. I got worried that something had happened." He looks truly concerned.

"Um… thanks?" is my intelligent reply to this wonderful – if a bit stalkerish- gesture. I guess I'm still not forming lucid thoughts. He shrugs as if to say 'it was nothing', but it is something. I figured after everything that happened last night, he was done with me for good. He made himself pretty clear how he felt in the restaurant… the rest was just Edward being Edward… too good of a person to let someone he once cared about get hurt- right? I mean, I strung him along, hurt him, put him in a dangerous situation – twice- and he not only shows up to make sure I'm OK, he risks life and limb to climb a tree in the rain and pry open an old window.

We stand there in silence for longer than is entirely comfortable. Finally, Edward sighs and runs his hand through is wet hair, "So are you? OK, I mean. Are you OK?"

"I'm fine." I lie, although somehow lying to Edward feels worse than lying to Charlie. Edward pinches the bridge of his nose which is a sign of pure frustration for him. "What?" I question.

"You're not fine, Bella. I know that tone. Don't lie to me. Tell me how you are – really." He says holding my gaze with his now blazing green eyes.

I return his gaze wanting nothing more to pour my heart out to him. I want to tell him that I'm scared and angry and that my body aches from the cold and from running and from fighting off that asshole. I want to fall into his arms, to have him comfort me and tell me everything will be alright and then I want him to hold me until everything IS alright. But I can't. I can't open myself up to him just to have him leave. I must stand their gawking too long because he continues, "God, Bella when you left that restaurant after what I said to you…I just… I felt…" he trails off shaking his head with a pained look on his face and a hand raking through is wild, bronze hair.

Ah. I get it now. It's guilt. He thinks it's his fault for making me run out of the restaurant and he wants to make more than sure no permanent damage was done before moving on. I feel sick to my stomach, and more than a little hurt, but I let him off the hook anyway "I'm fine. No permanent damage was done. You're free to go with a clear conscience. It wasn't your fault, no need for you to feel guilty." The words come out sounding angry, which I guess is better than sounding like the weak, pathetic girl that I am.

Edward steps forward saying, "Bella, I…"

But I don't want to hear it. I need him to leave before I completely fall apart. The tears are already forming in the corner of my eyes. I turn around and march toward my door, starting to ramble, "You don't have to go out through the window, I'll just walk you down so I can lock the door behind you. Charlie will be home before too long and I was just about to…" I was going to say watch a movie, but I feel his warm hand on my arm. I stop in my tracks and he pulls me around to face him.

His eyes are now burning with some unknown emotion, "Bella, I…" he says trying to pull me closer.

"No, Edward I can't. I can't do this and then watch you walk away. I just can't" I say breathlessly, the tears beginning to fall. He takes hold of my other arm and pulls me against his chest. I try to struggle out of his grasp, but he is too strong. He smells so good. Like home and happiness. Anymore and I'm sure I'll break into a million pieces when he walks out my door. It amazes me that I was assaulted last night. I have the cuts, bite marks, and bruises to prove it, yet the thing that hurts the most- the thing I fear the most- is this the thought of this beautiful boy walking out of my life for good.

"Bella, I…"

I finally give up my struggle and fall limply into his body, "_Please"_ I whisper, knowing that if he doesn't let me go soon, I may never recover.

He pushes me back a little and looks down at me, "Bella I…" he starts

But I don't want to hear an apology and I open my mouth to say so, when suddenly his lips are on mine. I just stand there shocked, unmoving, not really sure what is going on… but then it hits me. He's kissing me. Like really kissing me! And my lips start to move, automatically molding to his. He pulls me closer, and when I gasp at the wonderful feeling of his body against mine, he sucks my tongue into his mouth and I'm lost. I no longer care how long he is here; I'll take what I can get. He starts to slow the kiss and I whimper a little when he pulls away.

He looks at me and smiles, "You are so stubborn. I couldn't think of another way to shut you up. Can I talk now?" No longer able to speak, I nod for him to continue. "Bella I know you are confused. I know that I said some horrible things to you last night, but I want you to know I said them out of jealousy, pain. I'm sorry I hurt you. I don't ever want to hurt you. I…"

I interrupt with, "I hurt you first. I deserved it."

"No you didn't. Yes you hurt me, but you were right about what you said. You didn't lie to me. You always told me the truth. I was the one who couldn't deal with our arrangement. And then finally I couldn't think about you with someone else. I couldn't stand not being able to hold you, touch you, hell, even talk to you in public. It just hurt too damn much. I wanted, no, needed more and then just as I give up you tell me you love me. At the time, I couldn't reconcile what you were doing with love. If you loved me, then how could you be with other guys? How could you treat me the way you did in front of others."

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I really didn't mean to hurt you." I manage while he takes a breath.

"I know you are. Stop apologizing. I get it now. Sometimes, pride, fear, and comfort allow you to do and say things you don't mean." He says quietly.

We stand in the middle of my room, staring at each other, neither one of us talking for an immeasurable amount of time. I finally break, "So where does that leave us? Do you think we can be friends?"I try not to sound too hopeful.

"No, Bella, I don't think I can be just friends with you anymore." He says dashing the little ray of hope I had just a second ago.

"Oh. OK, then." I say making sure my hair covers my face, shielding my tears from his view. I begin to pull away, but Edward stops me.

"No, Bella. You don't get it. I can't _just_ be friends with you. I honestly don't think we've ever been _just _friends. I've had feelings for you since I first laid eyes on you in Kindergarten. Of course I didn't know what it was then, but I knew you were special even back then. As we got older, the feeling just got stronger and when you left, I lost myself. It was like you took the best parts of me with you. Then you came back… different. I tried to forget about how I felt. I tried to ignore the damn pull towards you. The constant want, need to be with you, but it didn't work, and when I finally got my chance over the summer I jumped. Head first, consequences be damned."

"I feel the same way. I think part of the reason I was so mean to you is because I didn't want to feel anything for you. I just wanted to glide through high school as a superficial-uber-bitch, but you made me feel, and I couldn't stand it." I admit starting to feel warm and fuzzy from his little speech, but he hasn't really answered my question, so I ask again, "So, like I said, where does that leave us?" Again, I try not to sound too hopeful.

Instead of answering, he leans down and kisses me hard and desperate. I want an answer, but I'm not willing to interrupt this kiss- this hot, searing, wonderful kiss. When he finally pulls away, he has to steady me. I'm dizzy and a little weak in the knees.

"I love you, Bella." He says, his beautiful green eyes shining down at me.

"I'm sorry, what?" I ask, positive that I misheard him.

He chuckles a little but says, "I love you, Bella. I've loved you my whole life. I can't ever picture loving anyone else. I just want to be with you… if you'll have me." The last four words barely audible. I look up into his gorgeous face. He looks so vulnerable, as if the answer I give him could make him soar like a bird or shatter into a million pieces.

"I love you too. I've always wanted you in my life and I'll want you for the rest of my life… if _you'll_ have me. I've never wanted anything more in my entire life." I smile.

He gives me his best, crooked smile and leans in to kiss me. I meet him half way standing on my toes to get closer to him. This time when our lips touch, I feel it all the way in my toes, and when he pushes his hot tongue into my mouth, I feel it in other, wonderful places. I start to feel a little weak so I break to take a deep breath, hoping to steady myself. Instead, I catch Edwards's delicious scent and stumble even more. Luckily, Edward has his arms around me so I don't fall. He picks me up and lays me on the bed. I shiver when my back hits the sheets, the cold of the sheets in stark contrast to Edward's warm arm wrapped around me. I notice Edward shiver a little as well.

He moves to lie on top of me and settles in between my thighs. God! It's been too damn long since I felt the weight of his body on top of mine, our kisses getting even more heated than before. He feels so good. I can feel the contours of his muscles through our clothes, but I want to explore, so I slide my hands underneath his shirt. He moans when I move my hands over his strong back, and his hips thrust forward when my fingers run lightly over his nipples. I moan in pleasure, he is already hard and feels so, so good.

His hands start up my back to the clasp of my bra. I help him by leaning forward a bit. He undoes the clasp and brings his hands around front, traveling across my stomach. He moves the lace out of his way and then his hands are caressing my bare breasts. My own hips roll forward at the sensation of his callused fingers moving over my hard nipples. "Oh, God, Edward. That feels so fucking good." I moan out. I need to see more of him, feel more of his skin, so I push up on the hem of his shirt. He stops kissing me long enough to remove the offending item and throw it somewhere on the floor. Together we pull my shirt and bra off and Edward growls as he throws them somewhere behind him.

He looks at me, his eyes on fire, and licks his lips. I whimper and he growls again, leaning down to take one hardened nub into his mouth and nipping playfully. His skillful hand moves to my other breast, fondling and teasing until he switches. He always likes to keep things even. When he grinds his prominent erection into my core, I kind of lose it. I need more! I push both hands against his chest, understanding what I want, he rolls over onto his back, allowing me to straddle him in the most delicious way.

I grind down onto him as hard as I dare and I am rewarded by a hiss, "Oh, God, Bella. Fuck!" he manages. I start at his earlobe, lightly biting and kissing my way down to his nipples. I pay attention to them both, licking and sucking the way I know he likes and find my way down to the top of his jeans. He moans when I pull the button on his fly and I'm encouraged, so I go for the zipper, but he stops my hand. "God, Bella. We have to stop."

I quirk my head to the side and lean down to whisper in his ear, "Nope." He suckles my neck and kisses that sweet, sweet spot right behind my ear and I grind my hips into him to punctuate my desire.

"Oh! Oh, Fuck, Bella. Baby we have to stop. Really, we do. We have a lot to talk about." He says his voice low and gravely. I lean back and look at him still straddling his hips. He is saying the right thing, but his body isn't listening. His cock twitches with my movement. I know he wants to make sure we know where we stand before we hop back into bed… he is a good, caring person and I should probably let him get his way, but I. Don't. Wanna!

I pull my bottom lip in between my teeth and look at him with hungry eyes. "Did you or did you not, just tell me you love me?" I ask. He nods yes and puts his hands on my hips. "Did I or did I not just tell you I love you back?" He smiles and nods again. "Well, then I think a little celebration is in order, don't you?" I say as I crash my mouth against his.

He returns my kiss with equal fervor and I start to move my hips again. This time he reciprocates, but when I start for his zipper again, he says, "Bella, we should…" but I don't let him finish. His voice is less certain now and I know he is wavering.

I put my fingers over his lips, "I know. And we will. I promise we will talk, but right now, I want to make love to the man I love… Please." I add for good measure. He seems to consider this for a brief moment, but when he snakes his tongue out and flicks it against my fingers and flips me onto my back, I know I'm getting my way.

"OK, I give. You win." Kiss, "We'll talk," Kiss, "Later." His smile beams down at me as his hands travel down my exposed torso to the top of my pajama pants. His eyes lock on mine as he slowly peals them down my legs along with my panties, leaving me bare for him. "Oh, God, Isabella, you are so beautiful." He mumbles almost to himself.

I look up into his eyes, my only thought, "Please" as I reach his for his zipper once again. This time he doesn't deny me. He helps me pull his boxer briefs and jeans off and kicks them to the floor. He groans when he moves back on top of me.

He slides his glorious cock through my wet folds, causing us both to moan in pleasure. "You are so fucking wet. So wet." He pauses slightly when his tip is at my entrance and looks at me for permission.

"I love you, Edward. Please." Is all I can manage before the pressure of not moving becomes too much and I close my eyes.

"I love you, too… don't close your eyes. Look at me. I want to see you," He growls.

As soon as my eyes lock onto his, he moves, slowly sinking into me. I feel every incredible inch of him. When he is sheathed inside me to the hilt, he leans down to kiss me, soft, warm, wet lips take mine in a gentle caresses, "Oh, God, Bella, so good. It's been too fucking long. My body feels complete for the first time in so long." He says quietly, and then he pulls back and begins to move, setting an unhurried, steady rhythm. The slow burn is delicious and the heat burns a little more with every thrust. He doesn't take his eyes off of me. It is so intense, so intimate: the way he is looking at me combined with our bodies, moving together in perfect rhythm. I never want it to end.

He starts to pant and fight to keep his eyes open and I know he is getting close. "Bella, I'm close, baby. I want you to come with me, please." He practically pleads as his lips make their way down my neck, continuing their hot trail to suckle first one nipple then the other. He twists his hips so he hits my swollen bundle of nerves with every thrust and puts my ankles on his shoulders, causing him to go even deeper.

"Oh, Edward. Oh, yeah. Just like that, please, please don't stop." His thrusts start coming fast and erratic, signaling that he has almost reached his climax. I feel that burn… the tight coil ready to spring at any second.

"OH, yessss, fuck!" he screams and whispers in a deep, husky tone, "I love you. I missed you so damn much. I never want to be apart again- ever. Come for me, Isabella." Then I feel him spilling into me and I'm done for.

"Oh, Fuck me! Yesss, God, yesss. Edward, Edward, Edward." I scream through my orgasm, my body convulsing and shaking in his arms where I belong.

He collapses onto my body, spent, forgetting to worry about his weight being too much. I relish in the warm, heavy feeling of his naked, body on mine. I feel safe, comfortable, home. He puts his forehead to mine and runs his nose along my cheek until he nuzzles my neck. He pulls out and rolls onto his back, pulling me close into his side.

"I love you, too. I missed you more than words can say, and I'm not going anywhere without you- ever." I say as we both drift into a peaceful sleep.

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><p><strong>AN: Alrighty folks, I know you've been waiting a long time for their reunion and I hope it was OK. I do think I'll do an outtake of Alice's POV just so everyone knows what was up with the whole, Jake/Maggie scheme, but probably not until the story is finished. I'm looking at 2-4 chapters, depending on how they break down. Love you all! Leave a review for me, you know how much they mean.**


	20. Chapter 20: Finally! Part 2

**A/N: Happy belated Thanksgiving to those that celebrate! Once again, I am floored by the wonderful reviews you send me. I also received notice of quite a few new readers – I hope you are enjoying the story! I have to say, I love being able to write scenes from both perspectives. It is always one of my biggest complaints when you can only guess what is going on in the other character's head. So, here is Edwards's POV of what happened after Bella fell asleep in his car.**

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><p>Self Esteem Ch 20: Finally, Part 2<p>

"What the hell happened here? Where is my daughter? Someone needs to start giving me some answers or…" I hear Chief Swan growl from outside the car. I carefully lay Bella on the seat and get up to talk to him before he starts shooting random people. I don't want this to be the way that I see him after all this time, especially knowing what I feel for- not to mention what I've been doing with- his only daughter, but I decide to suck it up, because he deserves to hear what I know directly from me not from some PA cop.

"Calm down, Sir and I'll tell you. As professional courtesy, we waited to question your daughter until you got here. Most everyone has gone back to the station." A bored sounding police officer tells the Chief. Uh-Oh.

"Professional courtesy? What the fuck happened! I don't give a good, Goddamn what you have to say. I. Want. To see. My. Daughter! NOW!" he spews automatically resting his hand on his holster.

The now scared looking cop opens his mouth to say something, but I jump in with, "Chief Swan she's asleep in my car. She is OK now. Safe. Just asleep." I try to appease.

"Edward Cullen? What?" he says looking utterly confused.

"Chief Swan I'll tell you everything. At least everything I know." I say and wait a beat before he nods, telling me to go ahead. I explain what I saw as well as what I gathered from the little Bella said and how she looked. I end the story with my sister calling the police.

He looks from me to the cop whose nametag reads Sanders, "Where is the fu… I mean suspect now?"

Sanders replies, "He is being checked out at the hospital. He was unconscious when we arrived, but based on the statements from this young man and the rest of the kids, he will probably be taken into custody once everything checks out OK with him. We will need your daughter's statement in order to hold him and officially charge him with assault though. We can head back to the station where she can get some dry clothes and she can be photographed by a female officer." The Chief winces when he hears the word _assault_

"Assault charges? Does she need to go to the hospital? Does she need a ra…" but the Chief's words are cut short when we hear the car door open. We both rush over to help her out of the car. "God, Bells! All they said was you were attacked and that I should get here as soon as possible. Goddamn fools. Are you OK? What happened? Did he hurt you?" He say as he wraps her in his coat and then puts his arms protectively around her small frame. Bella murmurs something that I don't catch

"Are you hurt?" Chief Swan asks looking her over for visible sign of injury. I notice Bella's face and I know she what she is going to say before it leaves her mouth.

"No, I'm f…" she starts, but I don't let her finish.

"Don't say you're fine, Bella." I sigh, turning to the large angry man standing across from me and say, "Yes, Chief Swan, she is hurt. I couldn't tell how badly, but there were, um… marks on her neck and um… chest."

He looks back at Bella, "Bella? He hurt you? What happened?"

"Dad, it's nothing. Just some scratches. I'll be fine. Don't worry. I just want to go home." Damn it! There she goes down playing what happened.

"You need to give a statement to the police first, tell them what happened, in detail… he didn't, um… didn't um…" he stutters out, his face turning an odd shade of something between red and purple- either from anger or embarrassment I don't know which.

But Bella, knowing what he is asking stops him before he has a stroke trying to ask if she was sexually assaulted, "No, Dad. Edward got here in time."

"OH, thank, Christ! But you still have to give the PA police a statement. They were nice enough to let you sleep until I got here, but now we have to go to the station." His relief is palpable.

"I really don't want to. Can't we just go home?"

"Bells…" he starts but I can't take the chance that he will give in. I'm not letting that bastard get away with this again.

So I grind out, "No, Bella. This time you have to make a report."

"This time? What do you mean this time? Has he hurt you before?"

I speak over Bella's "No." with my "Yes." I don't care how angry she gets at me. This time the fucker is not getting away with it. Bella tries begging me with her eyes, but I don't back down. "You tell him or I will."

She audibly releases a deep breath before admitting it, "Yeah, I had a run-in with James before, but nothing really happened. Edward helped me then too."

Chief Swan's face reverts back to that awful violet color, "What the… when… wait, James, isn't that the kid I saw in the hospital with the broken nose and the fishy story a month or so ago? Edward, did you break his nose defending Bella?" Fuck. I didn't know he knew anything about what happened to that fucker. I'm trying to work up the courage I need to tell him the story as I feel his eyes trained on my face. I'm not sure, but I think he finally suspects there is something between Bella and me. Luckily before I have to speak, Bella lets me off the hook.

"Edward won't get in trouble, will he, Dad? I mean he saved me – twice."

"I'm not sure, kid, but he won't if I have anything to say about it." Oh, Chief Swan, that is so nice of you, but you have no idea what I will be doing to that fucker if he even looks Bella's way again – save the mercy for my murder trial.

"If I have to tell the other officers, can I just tell you at the same time? I don't really want to have to repeat the story. Please, Daddy?" Bella pulls out the big guns, puppy dog eyes, and crocodile tears.

There is no way anyone could say no to that, "OK, baby-girl. Well, let's get going. The _subject_ is being checked out by a doctor and then taken into custody based on the other witness reports, but you need to tell them what happened before they got here."

I don't really want to let her go, but I don't have a choice. I'm getting ready to walk back to my car when I hear a quiet, "Can I have a minute, please?"

"Yeah. Just don't be long. I'll be in the car." He says walking away. Before I even realize I've moved, I find myself wrapping my arms around Bella.

I just want to hold her. Let her know I am not going anywhere. "It'll be OK, Bella." I murmur into her hair.

"Thank you, Edward. Thank you so much. I don't know how I can ever repay you for what you did."

Repay me? I'm the reason she was out in the rain by herself in the first place. "Don't worry about it. Just go talk to the cops so that bastard can get what he deserves. Besides, if anything ever happened to you…" I can't even finish that statement, so I just hold her tighter. The mere thought makes me sick.

I would be happy to hold her all night, but she looks so tired, so I reluctantly let her go with a kiss on the top of her head. "You better go. I have to get home, I'm sure my mom is frantic by now. I called her so she knows I'm safe, but I know she won't relax until she sees me with her own eyes." But instead of releasing me, she pulls me closer. If she doesn't let go soon, I won't be able to let her go at all. "Bella, you have to let go. It's late and you still need to give a statement and you need to sleep." She finally releases me.

I look at her as she walks away and she seems so sad and resigned, like she's heading to the gallows or something. I wish I could make this easier on her somehow. I know talking about everything will be difficult, but it has to be done. I watch the squad car drive away until it turns a corner and I can no longer see it.

I drive home in a daze. One minute I'm in Port Angeles the next I'm pulling into the garage hoping that Alice has already gone to bed. I'm not in the mood to deal with her tonight. I know my sister, her heart was in the right place, but she was so off base. Bella could have been… I am not even going to allow myself to think about what could have happened to Bella. I don't think I've ever been so pissed at my sister before. I slip in the side door that leads directly to the kitchen, knowing that's where I'll find my mom, the kitchen always sparkles when she is worried about one of us. I find her scrubbing the already immaculate countertops, "Mom, I'm home."

"Oh, Edward! I was so worried! I know you called and told me you were OK and Alice said you were fine, but I just needed to see you with my own two eyes before I could really believe it. Are you OK, honey?" She asks, pulling me into a tight, mom hug. "Let me see your hands." She demands, pulling them up for inspection. "Edward. Your hands are all cut and bruised. Let's get you cleaned up and put some ice on those knuckles before they swell up any more than they already are. Sit." Again, not a request.

I sit at the table, watching her gather the first aid supplies. She never wants to see any of her kids hurt, but she is definitely in her element when she gets to take care of someone. She sits next to me and starts cleaning my bloody hands… I wonder when she is going to figure out that the blood isn't mine.

"What happened, tonight?" she asks still concentrating on her task.

"I told you on the phone, I got into a fight." I try to sound nonchalant, but she lifts her eyebrow letting me know I didn't quite pull it off.

"Alice told me what that boy was trying to do to Bella, I understand your reaction, but she said another boy had to pull you off him and you continued to fight. That's not exactly like you. So, _what happened tonight?_" she repeats

I sigh, flinching a little when she puts some hydrogen peroxide on one of my knuckles… I guess it wasn't all of James's blood afterall. "I saw him dragging Bella into an alley. Her clothes were torn and she was begging him not to hurt her and I just snapped. The thought of her being hurt, in any way, but especially what he intended, makes me see red… and I… I just… I don't know…" I trail off not knowing how to finish the statement.

She is quiet while she wraps my hands in gauze and puts an icepack on my knuckles. "You love her, Edward and when we see people we love being hurt, sometimes things just happen." She says kindly.

"I do love her, mom. I tried not to, I tried to stay away, but I can't anymore. I love her even though I shouldn't."

"Why shouldn't you? I know there was something more going on with her than you told me. You were walking around here happier, more alive than I've seen you in years and I suspected, but when you trashed your room? I knew. I've never seen you react that way. I knew you were going through something intense. I thought you would eventually talk to me about it when you were ready, but when you couldn't, I knew it was love and not just infatuation."

Sometimes it bothers me that my mom can see right through me, but right now I am really grateful for her incredible sense of intuition. "I shouldn't love her because she broke my heart, because she treated me like a toy, because she was ashamed of me. She made a fool out of me and then right when I was prepared to walk away, figuring she just didn't feel the way I did, she admitted she had real feelings for me."  
>"What happened then?"<p>

"I got really, really angry and I haven't talked to her since… until tonight. I love her, but I don't want to be played for a fool again." I keep my eyes on the tabletop, so I don't have to look at her in the eye.  
>She pulls my head up gently by my chin and says, "Sometimes, love is worth it. Sometimes, you have to take the risk of your pride being hurt… of your heart being hurt in order to have something spectacular. You know something about you Cullens – by birth, not by marriage-" she chuckles slightly, "you are all programmed to find that one, great, love early in life. Your dad, Alice, even Emmett, all found their other halves young. I thought maybe you would take more after the Platt's in that way… you know how long it took your Aunt Elizabeth to find real love, but maybe I'm wrong."<p>

"What if I let her in and she hurts me again? I don't think I could take that without breaking." I whisper my greatest fear.

"That is always a risk, but from what Alice has been telling me, I don't think that will happen. Besides, she would be a fool herself if she let you go, you are quite the catch." She tries to joke.

"Mom, I'm serious. I'm really scared." I finally admit out loud to the one person I can always talk to.

"I know you are, honey. How do you feel when you think about Bella not being a part of your life? How do you feel when you aren't with her?" I wince, knowing she is right.

"I feel empty, numb, desolate." I say

"Well, then don't let fear – or pride- stop you from trying. And if something does happen, you know we are all here for you, me, your father, Emmet, and especially Alice. She is your biggest supporter you know."

"I don't want to talk about her tonight. Her scheming almost got Bella really hurt." I say a little angrily lifting up my hands to remind her of what happened, "She needs to learn to stay out of my business when I tell her to."

"Try not to be too upset with her, honey. You know she was only trying to help… admittedly, she sometimes goes a little overboard…"

"A little overboard? Mom, she had a girl- a supposed friend- convince me that I should take her out after flirting with me for weeks only to make sure I saw Bella with that big Quileute oaf in order to make me jealous enough to want her back… that is messed up. And when the whole situation came crumbling down, Bella ran out alone in the rain and almost, almost…" I couldn't finish.

"I know she fucked up, Edward" My eyes almost pop out of my head. I can't remember ever hearing Esme Cullen say the f-word before, "and I understand you are angry… you have every right to be. Just try to remember that she is your sister. She loves you very much and only wants you to be happy. Not to mention, if it wasn't for Alice's little _disaster _you would still be ignoring the girl you love, alright?"

"I will. I know she was only trying to help, and no matter what happened at dinner Bella is going to be fine and she is back in my life. I'm just not ready to forgive and forget yet." I say suppressing a yawn.

"You've had a long, trying day. Go get some sleep. I love you. I'll see you in the morning." She says making her way around the kitchen turning off lights.

" g'night, mom. Thanks" I say already walking through the door. I just want a shower and my bed. I want to sleep in and then go see Bella. We have a lot to talk about… plus I really, really want to see her. I trudge up the stairs to my room and throw the door open, only to find my sister sitting on my couch wringing her hands. "Not tonight, Alice. I had a long day. I'm tired. I want a shower and then I'm going to sleep. Please leave."

"Edward, I'm sor…"

"I said, not tonight, Alice! I don't want to hear it right now. I'm too angry." I growl, refusing to look her way before heading for the shower. I shut the bathroom door behind me hoping she will get the point. I let the water heat up before stepping under the hot spray. Stepping in, I take my time letting the hot water relax my muscles. By the time I get out, I feel slightly better. I pull on some pajama pants and a thermal top, already half asleep on my feet, but when I re-enter my room, Alice is still there, now sitting on my bed.

I can tell by her red-rimmed eyes she has been crying, but I can't find it in me to forgive her right now. "Alice, I meant what I said. Not tonight. Give me some time and space." I spit out, pulling back my comforter.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

OK, apparently, my sister is deaf or too stupid to listen, "You didn't mean? You didn't mean what, Alice? You didn't mean to stick your nose in where it doesn't belong – again? You didn't mean to make me question the motives of the only real friend I've made in years? You didn't mean to piss me off? You didn't mean for Bella to get hurt? Or maybe you didn't mean to get caught… for things to backfire. What? What didn't you mean?" I'm louder than I probably should be at 1:30am, but I'm having trouble caring right now.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean for Bella to get hurt. I was only trying to help." She says as fat, tears start coursing down her cheeks.

Damn it! I can't stand to see her cry. I take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself before going to sit next to her at the bottom of my bed. She rests her head against my arm, "I know you didn't." I manage, still not ready to let it go, but also knowing she is my sister and I will get over it.

"I just thought that with a little push you would both see you should be together. I didn't realize that either of you would react so… so… ferociously – you with your jealous anger and her with her self-pitying angst. I figured that one or both of you would give in and talk to the other before the drinks arrived and you'd be making out before dessert. I really am sorry, Edward."

"I know your heart was in the right place, but Alice, you went way too far this time. You lied, you manipulated, and you involved other people. Now I don't know who to trust." _Except Bella… how ironic. _She was the only one who has been nothing but honest with me from the start. I may not have liked what she did or said most of the time, but she was honest. I know she held her feelings back for a long time, but even that isn't exactly lying.

"Please don't blame Maggie. I'm the one who convinced her to do this, she didn't want to. That's why she kept trying to give you outs, you know?"

"You know I won't be mad forever, but just let me have some time to work it through. I just need some space, from everyone."

"Everyone, but Bella, right? I saw you two together tonight. You were obviously just as happy to have your arms around her as she was," she says hopefully.

"Alice… I said time… space… now go!" I say trying to keep my face angry, but failing as she is now bouncing up and down in her signature excited Alice way.

She gets that knowing smile that I hate so much and says, "I know, I'm going, but just remember… it worked!" She says as she runs for the door. I growl and throw the nearest pillow at her, hitting her back before she is able to retreat through the door. I sit there a few minutes making a plan for tomorrow before crawling into bed. Bella and I have a lot to talk about, but I think we can do this. I hope we can do this… I need to do this. I can't take being without her any longer.

I sleep like the dead. I don't remember dreaming and I am still in the same position I was in when I fell asleep last night. I look at the clock. 10:30am. I don't usually sleep this late, but yesterday was pretty stressful. I reach for my phone to call Bella, but it goes right to voicemail. She must still be sleeping. I drag myself down to the kitchen to grab something to eat and find my dad sitting alone at the table, reading some medical article. I poor myself a bowl of cereal and sit across from him enjoying the rare few moments of quiet in the house.

"I heard what happened last night. You OK?" Dad asks without putting his paper down.

"Mhmm" I mutter my mouth filled with Lucky Charms.

"You going to Bella's today?" he tries to hide the smile in his voice, but fails.

"Planning on it." I reply.

He looks at me over is paper. "How are your hands?"

"OK, not too bad." I grunt out.

"Well, make sure you wash any abrasions well and put some Neosporin on them before you go." He says eyeing my knuckles from where he sits.

"I will." I say finishing my breakfast and getting up to put the bowl in the sink."

"Oh, and Edward… make sure you're _safe_, son." He says, his smile finally breaking through. I can't remember the last time I blushed, but I'm sure my face was crimson at that comment. I just nod back at him to let him know I heard and take off for my room.

I try Bella, but get her voicemail again and spend the next hour and half alternating between staring blankly at my homework and calling Bella. Frustrated, I decide to pass the time playing my guitar, but after only a few minutes, I am drawn to my phone, my fingers automatically hitting the speed-dial for Bella, but there is still no answer. I try the piano only to find myself making more mistakes than I have made in years… I slam my hands down on the keys; the dissonant sound reverberates through the room. I try Bella's once again only to be met with her recorded voice asking me to leave a message.

Now I'm starting to worry. I wonder if something happened. I wonder if she was hurt worse than I originally thought and is in the hospital. Or is she ignoring me? Am I too late? Did I say too many hurtful things last night? I decide to just drive to her house and check up on her myself. Even if she slams the door in my face, at least I'll be able to see that she is safe.

I grab my jacket and keys and slip out of the house unnoticed. On my way, I happen to role by the police station and notice Chief Swan in uniform, heading inside. I find it hard to believe that he would leave Bella if she wasn't OK or that he would go into work if she was hospitalized. I relax slightly and decide to call her again, but just like the last 20 times, it goes to voice mail. A few minutes later, I pull into Bella's driveway next to her truck and practically sprint to the front door. I knock and wait, but I hear nothing, so I knock again, but there is still no sound from inside. That uneasy feeling is beginning to twist in my stomach again. I tell myself she is fine… and that she didn't see it was me and decide not to come to the door. Maybe she is just sleeping?

I head to the side of the house and look up at her dark window. I assess the tree I used to climb on a regular basis as a kid and decide to give it a shot. I'm a lot bigger and heavier now, so I have to be careful which branches I use. I smile when I make it high enough to see into Bella's window, without falling, unfortunately, I don't see her. I lean a little closer to the side of the house, the tree bending slightly under my weight and I realize that I can reach the window from this angle. I give it a hard jerk upward allowing it to open just a crack and making the tree bow slightly more from my weight. I know I should probably stop so I don't break the tree, but I try the window again, and it opens a little further. I push one last time and it squeaks as it opens the whole way. I smile triumphant until I realize that the window must not have been locked… that's not good. Her father is the freaking Chief of Police. Didn't he teach her to keep the doors and windows locked?

I use all my upper body strength to pull myself through the window, holding on to the sill for dear life. Unfortunately, I stumble trying to get my damn legs inside. I pick myself up and dust myself off, muttering to myself that this was a stupid move. What was I thinking? If she is here and OK she is going to be scared… and probably really pissed off that I climbed into her bedroom uninvited. If she isn't OK, then what the hell am I going to do? I can see it now, '_I'm sorry for breaking and entering into your house Chief Swan…'_ Suddenly the door opens and slams against the wall with a loud, thwack! Bella rushes in holding a, what? A fishing pole? Jesus!

"Get out of my house motherfucker!" she screams actually managing to sound menacing.

I hold my hands up and say, "Jesus Christ! Stop! It's me. It's me." And she drops her weapon. That's a good sign, right?

"Edward? What? Why? Um…"

I interrupt her before she can kick me out- or realize I just broke into her room, "You weren't answering your phone, so I decided to check on you in person. I saw your dad walking into the station on my way over, so I knew you were alone, and when you didn't answer the door. I got worried that something had happened."

"Um… thanks?" it sounds more like a question than a statement.

After a few moments of awkward silence, I push out, "So are you? OK, I mean. Are you OK?"

"I'm fine." She answers without conviction and I find myself pinching my nose in irritation "What?" she continues.

"You're not fine, Bella. I know that tone. Don't lie to me. Tell me how you are – really." I say making sure to catch and hold those big, beautiful brown eyes.

She just stands there seemingly having some kind of silent debate in her head. I try to help her out by saying, "God, Bella when you left that restaurant after what I said to you…I just… I felt…" _sick to my stomach, terrified that I'd lost you for good_

Her face changes from contemplative to angry in a split second before she growls out, "I'm fine. No permanent damage was done. You're free to go with a clear conscience. It wasn't your fault, no need for you to feel guilty." Shit! She thinks I did this out of guilt. Didn't she hear me last night when I said I didn't ever want to let her go? Or did she just not believe me?

Knowing I have to make this right, I have to tell her how I really feel if I want to fix this I take a small step toward her, "Bella, I…"

But she turns around and head toward the door, "You don't have to go out through the window, I'll just walk you down so I can lock the door behind you. Charlie will be home before too long and I was just about to…" Fuck, she's not even going to listen… I'll make her listen. She needs to at least hear me… then she can do whatever she wants.

I reach out and pull on her arm, hoping she will turn around and I can talk to her face rather than her back, "Bella, I…" but she interrupts me again.

"No, Edward I can't. I can't do this and then watch you walk away. I just can't" She is panting and tears are starting to fall from her eyes.

God, I want to erase all her pain. I start again, "Bella, I…"

Finally, she falls into my arms, whispering, "_Please"_

I move her back just enough to look her in the eyes. I want her to understand that I mean what I say, "Bella I…"

She starts to interrupt me again. She needs to shut up and let me talk, damn it! So I do the only thing I'm sure will keep her quiet. I kiss her. She is stiff at first, but then her whole body relaxes against mine and she returns the kiss with equal measure. Knowing that I have to stop before my hands start to wander, I start to pull away, but she actually whimpers. God, what that does to me. I fucking missed the little noises she makes.

I smile down at her and say, "You are so stubborn. I couldn't think of another way to shut you up. Can I talk now?" she nods yes, so I continue, "Bella I know you are confused. I know that I said some horrible things to you last night, but I want you to know I said them out of jealousy, pain. I'm sorry I hurt you. I don't ever want to hurt you. I…"

"I hurt you first. I deserved it." She interrupts yet again.

I decide to lay it all out for her, "No you didn't. Yes, you hurt me, but you were right about what you said. You didn't lie to me. You always told me the truth. I was the one who couldn't deal with our arrangement. And then finally I couldn't think about you with someone else. I couldn't stand not being able to hold you, touch you, hell, even talk to you in public. It just hurt too damn much. I wanted, no, needed more and then just as I give up you tell me you love me. At the time, I couldn't reconcile what you were doing with love. If you loved me, then how could you be with other guys? How could you treat me the way you did in front of others."

"I'm so sorry, Edward. I really didn't mean to hurt you." She sneaks in when I pause between sentences.

"I know you are. Stop apologizing. I get it now. Sometimes, pride, fear, and comfort allow you to do and say things you don't mean." I understand that because that is exactly what I'd been doing the past couple of weeks, exactly why I reacted the way I did last night at dinner.

She looks up at me and says, "So where does that leave us? Do you think we can be friends?"_ Friends? Is she kidding?_

"No, Bella, I don't think I can be just friends with you anymore." _How can we be just friends, hell, I don't think we've ever been just friends._

"Oh. OK, then." She murmurs trying to pull away and hide a fresh wave of tears. She is so stubborn sometimes!

"No, Bella. You don't get it. I can't _just_ be friends with you. I honestly don't think we've ever been _just _friends. I've had feelings for you since I first laid eyes on you in Kindergarten. Of course, I didn't know what it was then, but I knew you were special even back then. As we got older, the feeling just got stronger and when you left, I lost myself. It was like you took the best parts of me with you. Then you came back… different. I tried to forget about how I felt. I tried to ignore the damn pull towards you. The constant want, need to be with you, but it didn't work, and when I finally got my chance over the summer I jumped. Head first, consequences be damned." I say finally getting it out there.

She surprises me by saying, "I feel the same way. I think part of the reason I was so mean to you is because I didn't want to feel anything for you. I just wanted to glide through high school as a superficial-uber-bitch, but you made me feel, and I couldn't stand it. So, like I said, where does that leave us?" She says biting her bottom lip. How can she not understand what I'm saying? I must not be saying it right, so I decide to answer without words. I lean in and kiss her. I put all of my feelings, all of my need into that kiss. When we have to break to take a breath, Bella stumbles a little, but I catch her by the arms and take the opportunity of her stunned silence.

"I love you, Bella." She can't misinterpret that now can she.

"I'm sorry, what?" She asks

I guess I was wrong so I say it again, "I love you, Bella. I've loved you my whole life. I can't ever picture loving anyone else. I just want to be with you." And then I realize that _she _may not want _me._ I may be too late, so I add, "If you'll have me."

Luckily, she takes mercy on me and responds right away, "I love you too. I've always wanted you in my life and I'll want you for the rest of my life… if _you'll_ have me. I've never wanted anything more in my entire life." She smiles at me then. That beautiful smile that I've been dreaming of as long as I can remember. I smile as I bend down to kiss her. She sighs and I take the opportunity to push my tongue past her lips and twist pleasurably with hers. She feels so fucking good, but she is having trouble staying upright, so I decide to help her. You know to be a gentleman and stuff.

I pick her up and place her on the bed. I vaguely notice that it is bigger than the one that used to occupy this space. She shivers as her body hits the mattress… I can't be sure, but I may shiver a bit as well.

Without really thinking, I move on top of Bella resting my lower half in between her legs, the kisses automatically heat up from the increased bodily contact. I can't help the moan that escapes me when her hot little hands remove my shirt. She scratches her nails down my exposed back, and then makes her way around to my sensitive nipples. My hips move toward her center of their own volition. Her hips thrust up in anticipation and she sighs in pleasure when she feels how hard I am for her. She leans forward to help me undo her bra and I move around to touch her incredible breasts and stroke already hard nipples. The weight feels so good in my hands.

"Oh, God, Edward. That feels so fucking good." She practically moans. I need to see more of her, so much more, so I rip the shirt and bra off throwing it over my shoulder, not caring where it lands. Mmmmmmm, she looks so deliciously good. I can't help but lick my lips in anticipation before tasting her hard nubs one by one and grinding my erection where it wants to be more than anything. I'm lost in the heaven that is Bella's breasts when I feel her hands push back on my chest. Apparently, she wants to be in charge- I'm happy to oblige, so I roll over allowing her to straddle my hips. Damn, it's been way too long. I love the feel – the sight- of her on top of me.

I hiss as she grinds her hips down in just the right way, "Oh, God, Bella. Fuck!" It isn't until she tries to undo my jeans that I come to my senses. I want this – God do I want this- but we need to figure things out first. I don't want her to regret it. I want her to be assured of my feelings before we share that kind of intimacy again. Reluctantly I say, "God, Bella. We have to stop."

But she just smiles and whispers in my ear, "Nope." Momentarily distracted, I take advantage of the close proximity of her neck and she bucks her hips against me again.

"Oh! Oh, Fuck, Bella. Baby we have to stop. Really, we do. We have a lot to talk about." I am trying to be the good guy here! I really, really am… at least my mind is, my body, seems to have other ideas. I hope she relents soon because I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

I look up as she bites on her damn, bottom lip, looking at me like she wants to devour me, and she says in the sexiest voice I've ever heard, "Did you or did you not, just tell me you love me?" She pauses, actually expecting an answer, knowing I am incapable of speech I nod and she continues, "Did I or did I not just tell you I love you back?" I can't help but smile at that statement, and I nod again. "Well, then I think a little celebration is in order, don't you?" She raises her eyebrow as if daring me to challenge her before she kissing me so I can feel in every nerve of my body. She starts moving her hips in earnest now… damn it! Distracted again.

When she reaches for my zipper, I try one more time to do the right thing, "Bella, we should…" but before I can even finish she places her soft fingers over my mouth.

"I know. And we will. I promise we will talk, but right now, I want to make love to the man I love… Please." And I'm lost, completely gone, it takes me a second to think coherently, to be able to form words. There is something about her saying _'make love to the man I love'_ that stomps out any argument I can think of for stopping.

"OK, I give. You win. We'll talk, later." I say punctuating each statement with a kiss and rolling her over so I am back on top of her. I remove her pants and underwear and I'm hit with how beautiful she is, "Oh, God, Isabella, you are so beautiful." I may or may not say aloud.

I look her up and down, admiring her perfect body, when she pulls me out of my reverie with a small, "Please" and a gentle thrust of her hips. We remove my remaining clothing together as quickly as possible, and I lay back on top of her. I remember her saying once that she loves the way my body feels covering hers.

I move my now painful erection through her folds, "You are so fucking wet. So wet." And line myself up with her entrance. I pause slightly and look at her, giving her one last chance to change her mind.

"I love you, Edward. Please." She says and thrusts her hips up as I press into her glorious wet heat.

She closes her eyes in pleasure, but I can't stand not seeing her eyes. This is the first time we are making love since admitting how we feel for one another and I want – no need- to see her look at me while I'm inside of her. "I love you, too… don't close your eyes. Look at me. I want to see you," I say through clenched teeth. Her eyes pop open and I see nothing but love and passion, "Oh, God, Bella, so good. It's been too fucking long. My body feels complete for the first time in so long." I practically yell, never taking my eyes off hers. I've never felt so close to her. We move together seamlessly, our bodies instinctively moving the way the other likes, a perfect rhythm that builds the heat in both of us.

All too soon, I feel that hot coil inside me ready to spring, but I want to come with Bella, "Bella, I'm close, baby. I want you to come with me, please." I move my lips down her body, that tastes slightly of sweat and move her legs over my shoulders so I can penetrate deeper and hit that spot inside that I know makes her crazy.

"Oh, Edward. Oh, yeah. Just like that, please, please don't stop."

"OH, yessss, fuck! I love you. I missed you so damn much. I never want to be apart again- ever. Come for me, Isabella." I say as I let go and come in long, hot spurts inside of her.

"Oh, Fuck me! Yesss, God, yesss. Edward, Edward, Edward." She screams my name as she finds her own release, shaking from the pure rush of pleasure.

Hardly able to hold my body up, I fall gently onto Bella and rest my forehead on hers. I feel incredible, sated and loved. I roll over and pull her as close to me as possible, fighting to keep my eyes open.

The last thing I hear before drifting off is, "I love you, too. I missed you more than words can say, and I'm not going anywhere without you- ever." And it makes me smile ear to ear.

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><p><strong>EN: Next up, the big talk. Dun, dun, dun! I love to hear what you all think, so please review for me! Also, I'm wondering where all the newbies came from? Were you just looking for something to read on a long holiday weekend or was there something else? I'd love to know!**


	21. Chapter 21 After

**A/N: I have not abandoned you all! I hope you haven't given up on me! I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get this chapter out, but as usual, RL has been nuts… 25 page papers, finals, mega math tests, holidays and of course family, but I'm back now and will hopefully have some time to finish the story over the next couple of weeks. It is almost done 1 or 2 chapters, maybe 3. Also, some kind anonymous reviewer let me know I forgot the condom last chapter! That was my bad, not theirs… no, Bella will not be getting pregnant. I will address the issue in the chapter – I think I found a decent way to work in. I hope you like it!**

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><p>Self Esteem Ch. 21: After…<p>

**Edward:**

I wake to feel Bella's body wrapped around mine causing my heart to beat heavily and my body to react to her heat. I want her, but I don't want to wake her up. She looks like an angel lying with her head on my chest, one leg thrown over both of mine, and one arm wrapped tightly around my torso, so soft and beautiful. Her nose wrinkles and she sighs softly, her hot, moist breath flows over my chest making me shiver. Which reminds me of the bliss of slipping inside her - hot, warm, my skin… wait, skin? Fuck, no condom! All of a sudden, I'm really fucking nervous. I mean, I love her, I even want to spend forever with her, but I am not ready to be a father at 17 – shit.

I look at her sleeping form and silently wish will her to wake up… funny just a few seconds ago I was content to just dream of my hands on her body and watch her sleep, but now, I'm feeling a bit panicky and I really, really want her to wake-up. I begin running my hands through her silken hair and clear my throat; she stirs, but settles right back down with a contented sigh. I don't want to be an asshole and wake her up just to tell her I'm freaking out about not using birth control – especially since we just got back together – _at least I think that's what we did_. I don't want her to think that I didn't mean what I said last night about never letting her go. If she gets pregnant, we'll deal with it, together.

I find myself wondering what our children will look like – someday, hopefully in the far off future. Will they have her beautiful hair and those devastatingly serious big, brown eyes? Or maybe they would be stuck with my hair, poor things. I think about teaching our son how to play baseball and helping him learn martial arts. I'll teach him to play guitar and piano – and how to write music. Wait? What if we have a girl? What then? If she looks anything like Bella, she won't be allowed to leave the house until she's 30. We can home school her… wait what the fuck am I doing? When did I become such a fucking girl? I already have us married with kids and we aren't even out of high school yet! Stop you pussy whipped motherfucker! Stop!

"What'cha thinkin about so hard up there?" I feel a soft tap against my forehead and then Bella's sleepy voice pulls me from my schizophrenic reverie.

She's awake; thank God, "Bella. Um… I um… well we… um" I stutter out while she looks at me like I'm crazy and then stiffens in my arms, pulling away so she has a better angle to look at my face.

"Is this the part where you say you didn't mean it? That this was a joke… or revenge? Because if that's the case, then get the fuck out…"

Shit! She thinks I'm backing out. "NO, no, no, not that. I swear!" I rush out before she can say another word, but she looks at me disbelievingly. Just man up and say it already! So I close my eyes and say, "Bellawedidn'tuseacondom." Deep breath "and you know it only takes one time to um, you know be, um… _with child…_ and it's not like I don't want a future with you I do I just want to wait until we're older to have children, actually that is what I was thinking about when you woke up, what our kids will look like, I hope they get your hair and maybe my eyes- people say they're piercing, so um if you do get pregnant now I'm not going anywhere but I'd rather wait." I gasp for air as I said that whole mess in one breath "so what do we do now?" I ask and open my eyes to see her looking at me with a half-amused expression. That's a good sign, right?

She opens her mouth and then closes it again. She repositions herself so more of her body is on the bed and opens her mouth again before a breathtaking smile breaks across her face. I smile back automatically, momentarily forgetting the birth control issue. "Edward that was quite the mouthful; how long have you been laying here freaking out over the possibility of me _being with child_" She snickers, presumably at my terminology… another good sign, right?

"A little while now. I didn't want to wake you up. You looked so beautiful, peaceful." I shrug.

"First, it's OK about the condom. I've been on the pill for years, for cramps and regulation, but it is good to know you would stick around if I did get pregnant. Second, I want nothing more than a future with you, one that includes kids – in the future, a loooong time from now. I want to go to college and establish a career before having kids" She pauses looking thoughtful before continuing, "Except, I want them to have your hair. It's the most gorgeous and unique color I've ever seen, even if it is a little hard to tame." She smiles again.

Relief, elation, and passion all flare once she stops speaking. I kiss her hard on the mouth and pull her body back on top of me before realizing something, "If you've been on the pill, why have we been using condoms all this time?"

"We never discussed it, you always just used them, I figured it made you more comfortable and I thought what could it hurt? Double the protection and all that, plus I didn't think it really made any difference in how it feels." She looks at me disappointed, "Shows you what I know. I vote no more condoms." She says with a growl leaning down to kiss me. I revel in the feel of her body on mine, her lips caressing mine until she shoots up, jolting me out of my wonderful Bella high, "Unless, you know, you slept with Maggie or anyone else while we weren't together. I haven't even looked at another guy, let alone had one touch me, but things were different for you. You got pretty close to Maggie." She says and then lowers her eyes and her voice, "You seemed pretty cozy together last night."

Right, she doesn't know about the whole Alice set-up catastrophe… at least not who all was involved and the length and depth of my dear sister's idiotic plan. I'll make sure to tell her before I leave, but I need to address the Maggie issue first. "Maggie is just a friend. I never slept with her or anyone else. Just you, Bella, only ever you."

She smiles and her eyes brighten as she attacks me. Her lips are everywhere, my mouth, my neck, my chest and it feels so good, but when I role my head to the side, I see the time. Fuck, it's later than I thought. When her father coming home from work? Her heavily armed, highly protective father? "Bella, _oh God_, Bella, baby, _mmm so good,_ Bella, when is your dad going to be home. I want you, but I would prefer this not to be our last time because your father shoots me for corrupting his only daughter in his house." I finally manage.

"He's working 12-hour shifts this week to get all next weekend off to go fishing with Billy. Won't be home until 2am. We have a lot of time… maybe even time for a shower… after." She whispers in my ear before biting down where my jaw meets my neck.

"Really? After? After what?" I say playfully as I suck and nip my way down her neck to her collarbone, gently kissing the scratches and teeth marks from that punk-ass-mother-fucker.

"Hmmmm, let's see: after I make you come so hard you see stars; after you make me scream your name from the ecstasy of feeling you inside of me." And with those words, everything else is forgotten.

"Oh, God, Bella, yes." I growl no longer playful. I want to feel every inch of her. I need to feel her wrapped around me. She throws one leg over my hip and I can feel her hot, wet center right above my aching hard-on, the sensitive head making contact with her swollen clit. Her hips move fluidly gliding up and down my length. Slowly she leans down without breaking eye contact to kiss me slowly, languorously, passionately as she moves her hips and lines her opening up with my cock. With one last slow lick to my bottom lip, she leans back engulfing me slowly into her hot, wet, center.

"Mmmmm…" she moans, closing her eyes and allowing her head to fall back. I can feel the ends of her silky hair brush my thighs as she moves in a slow sensual rhythm above me. She bites her bottom lip and starts to fondle her breasts. She's never been so free with me before. I love it. "Mmmmm, Edward" another moan.

I wrap my hands around her hips to help steady her as she quickens the pace. I thrust upwards to reach as deep inside as possible. Her little mewls and sexy groans make me crazy and I know I won't last too much longer, so I move my thumbs to make circles over her clit, making her body tense and causing us both to moan from pleasure. "Yes, Edward, yes. Oh, so good."

"Bella… so beautiful, so perfect. Mmmmm, Bella, God."

I feel her body clench around me as her legs begin to shake and she screams my name as her orgasm overtakes her. "Edward!" the look of pure ecstasy on her face mixed and the feel of her body coming around mine triggers my own orgasm.

"Bella, Bella, Bella, mmmmm, Bella" I chant as I spill inside her. We lay there for an indeterminable amount of time just basking in the residual waves of passion and heat between us.

Eventually, she carefully moves to free me and lays her body over mine, her head returns to my chest, her fingers play with the hair at the nape of my neck, and she looks up at me through her lashes with a brilliant smile. I can't help but give her, what must be a goofily happy grin back.

"You distracted me again… weren't we supposed to have a serious talk about everything?" I tease.

"I'll take full responsibility for the first time, but this time I believe it was you doing the distracting. She giggles and moves up to plant a soft kiss on my lips. God I missed that sound.

"Oh, I don't think so. I seem to recall someone mention seeing stars and hearing you scream my name." I nip playfully at her earlobe. "I don't think I should be held accountable for anything after a statement like that." I smile at her.

"Well, OK, then, just call me the queen of diversion techniques then." She sighs with a smile and puts her head back down on my chest.

For a few minutes we lay there in comfortable, contented silence, the only sounds our heartbeats and steady breathing. Finally, Bella takes a deep breath and says, barely above a whisper, "I guess we should talk, huh?" I nod, but don't say anything.

"So what are we doing? What is _'this'_?" She asks still quiet.

"_THIS_ is us. The way it should have been all along. _This_ is you and I beginning our lives together. You've had my heart and soul my entire life and _this_ is us finally, finally, recognizing what we mean to each other and accepting that we truly belong together. I'm yours – I've always been yours. I love you." I say, my voice sounding low and gravelly as I try to keep my emotions at bay – apparently, I'm still acting like a fucking girl.

Bella doesn't look at me, but I feel her tears on my chest, so I hold her a little closer to my body. "You are right. I gave you my own heart and soul a very long time ago – maybe that was why I was able to be such a bitch until I finally let you back into my life. I'm yours and always have been. I wish things had been different. I wish I had been different, but we can't change that now, so let's just move forward – I love you too, more than I ever thought possible."

**Bella:**

I am content to lie on Edward's chest with his arms around me until forced to move. Now that things are OK between us, I know we need to talk about last night. He thinks Maggie is satisfied to just be his friend, but that isn't the case. He needs to know that what I said about Maggie last night was true. I maneuver myself so I can see his face, making sure my body is still as close as possible to his. He smiles crookedly at me and his eyes shine with happiness. I sigh, hating to dim that light even a little bit.

"What's with the big sigh?" he questions.

"I want you to know that I was not on a date with Jacob last night. Alice sort of set it up to get you away from Maggie. I meant what I said last night. Maggie has been using you. She just wants to turn you into one of the popular-stepford-teens and use you to boost her own popularity. I'm sorry; I know you think she's your friend." I watch as his beautiful face morphs into a scowl.

"I know you were unknowingly roped into it. Damn, Alice." He mutters scrubbing his hand across his face.

"Alice was just trying to help. She is the one who told me that Maggie was jerking you around… she set up the Jacob thing last night in hopes of pulling you away from her. I went along with it against my better judgment because she convinced me it would help you. That failed miserably, but you shouldn't be too upset with Alice, she was only trying to help."

He snorts wryly and rolls his eyes, "You don't know the half of it. _Alice_ orchestrated the whole damn thing. _Alice s_et me up with Maggie too; _ALICE_ convinced Maggie to flirt with me for weeks and even ask me out. Then _**ALICE**_ persuaded you to _"help"_ and set you up with Jacob in the name of trying to "help." Fucking little pixie! If she wasn't my sister…" he trails off and I have to smile because he can't even pretend to threaten his sister even when he's obviously furious at her "then Maggie and Jacob made a game out of it. Jake kissing your hand, Maggie feeding me bites of her dinner." My smile falters and I scrunch up my face in confusion.

"Wait, what? I didn't even know they knew each other let alone knew one another well enough to make a game out of flirting?"

Edward snorts derisively again. "Yeah, turns out they're dating- _Alice_. They were in on it with my tiny-evil-sister. She went all out on this one."

"Dating? What? When?" I stammer starting to get pissed as I realize the depths of manipulation I suffered at the hands of not only _Alice_ by my supposed best friend as well. Maggie must be the girl he 'really likes' that he didn't want to talk about last night. No wonder, she was sitting 20 feet away from us! "Damn, Jake! Damn, Alice!" I start to get huffy thinking about all the crap that could have been avoided if they had kept themselves out of our business.

Edward smiles and runs his hand down my still naked back, "I know what you're thinking. I thought the same thing last night, but now, after this afternoon, I have to admit I'm a little grateful. If they hadn't stuck their noses in where they didn't belong we most likely wouldn't be here, now." He hugs me tighter and kisses me on the top of my head. I snuggle closer taking in his wonderful Edward smell. "Don't get me wrong. I'm still fucking pissed and I'm not ready to let them off the hook yet. They need to squirm a little don't you think?" He says with a smile "but I know they did it out of love and/or concern." He shrugs.

"I know you're right, but you've had more time to process the information. Let me dream about kicking Jake's ass for awhile."

Edward laughs, "You can do that any time, for as long as you'd like. As a matter of fact, would you like help?" I playfully smack his chest and flip my hair to one side of my neck to get a better look at him.

Edward frowns and reaches out to trace his fingers over the marks James left on me last night. "I'm so sorry." he says sincerely, the air suddenly serious again.

I run my hands over his and give them a squeeze. "It's not your fault. It was all a misunderstanding. I don't blame you for what you said in the heat of the moment… I've done the same thing and I understand. I don't blame you for what happened to me either. Besides, you saved me- again. How did you know where to find me?"

"Honestly? I chose a direction and took off without thinking it through… I just knew I needed to catch up to you- apologize for being such an ass. When I saw him pulling you down into the alley… after seeing James's hands on you, I just lost it. As much as I hate to admit it, it's a good thing Jacob showed up when he did or I don't know if I would have been able to stop myself. I've never been so infuriated in all my life." I shiver at the thought of Edward getting in serious trouble injuring James just to protect me. Edward pulls the blanket tighter around our naked bodies.

"I'm worried you will get in trouble. What happens if he decides to press assault charges? You did put him in the hospital." I admit my concern finally allowing my fear to bubble to the surface.

"I'll face whatever I have to, but I will not regret smashing that fucker's face in – at all." He looks at me then, his eyes intense and burning with ire, but whatever he sees in my face, causes him to soften. "Don't worry about it, Bella. Your dad said he would help if need be and I know my father will do everything possible once he hears the whole story. Who do you think I get my knight in shining armor instincts from?" He smiles.

I can't help but smile back at him. Knight in shining armor is a good description… but then my mind turns reflexively back to the dragon at hand, "I don't want to worry about a court case with James, Edward. I just want to forget he ever existed. Can't we just make it go away? Pretend nothing happened?" I beg.

He re-traces the fine cuts and teeth marks on my neck and collarbone and kisses them reverently before answering, "Not this time. But whatever happens, I'll be right beside you- the whole time. I promise. I'm never letting you go again. Got it?" he kisses my lips gently.

"OK." I return when his lips leave mine. "What are we going to do about school? I've been in exiled by Lauren and the rest of the vultures, no one – except Alice and surprisingly Jessica- has spoken to me in weeks, and you've only just begun to be more comfortable at school. I don't want you to become a target again because you are with me. I would understand if you wanted to keep this to ourselves. I actually think it might be better for you if we don't publicize it at school." I know he hated it when he was the one I was keeping him secret, but I really don't mind. I just want the rest of his high school experience to be positive, even if it means watching him from the shadows. It could be my penance for how I treated everyone.

"Bella, I don't want that. I'm proud to be with you. I don't care what your social status is." He looks at me and sighs before continuing, "You don't need to be punished. You made mistakes. I made mistakes. We all make mistakes. I'm willing to let it go and so should you." I look at him curiously. How did he manage to pluck my thoughts from my head so easily?

"So, how do we handle school, then?" I ask

"I think we should just be ourselves. We don't need to make a big production out of it, but I fully intend to hold your hand, walk you to class, and maybe even steal a kiss or two. I don't care if everyone knows you're mine and I'm yours. Actually, I think I'd prefer it."

"But what will people think? I mean I don't have the best reputation… and this thing with James will probably make it worse. I…"

"I don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks. Only you and me. Got it?" He says rolling me over so his body is on top of mine and punctuating his statements with kisses along my jaw line. "I love you, Bella." He says hoarsely.

I can't help but smile as his hands caress my breasts causing my nipples to harden. "Are you trying to distract me? I thought we needed to talk about everything?" I say biting down on his ear.

"I think we've done enough talking for tonight… look at the time, we only have a few hours left before the Chief comes home and I seem to remember someone promising me a shower… after." He bends down and pulls one of rapidly hardening nipples into his mouth and bites down hard enough to cause a pleasurable pain. My back arches into him reflexively.

"Oh. Right. Shower. Mhm." I nod my head and mumble wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling gently on his hair. He makes a low, sexy growling sound from deep in his chest before standing quickly, pulling me into his arms, and walking pointedly across the hall to the bathroom. "I love you too, Edward."

One hot shower, 2 incredible orgasms and 3 hours later, Edward reluctantly kisses me goodbye saying he will call me in the morning. I walk him to the door and watch as he gets into his car and drives away. Once I can no longer see his car, I shut the door and run upstairs, hoping I'll fall asleep quickly and dream of him until I can talk to him in the morning.

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><p><strong>EN: As always, I love to hear what you think, please review. The next chapter is half written, so hopefully, it won't be too long! Thanks for reading.**


	22. Chapter 22: My Favorite Game

**A/N: I know, I know, it's been for-freakin'-ever… if you guys don't yell, I won't pull out the multitude of excuses I have, but this is a longer chapter than usual and there is some lemony goodness. It is mostly fluff and wrap-up, but I do hope you enjoy!**

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><p>Self Esteem Ch. 22: My Favorite Game<p>

Bella:

The next morning, I wake up around 10:30 and immediately reach for my phone to wait for Edward's call. I look at the screen surprised to have a bunch of missed calls, several unread text messages and two unheard voicemails. I must have left it on silent last night after Edward left.

Message 1, 1:48am: **Just got home. Miss u already. Will dream of u. - E** _I smile brightly, how sweet is that?_

Message 2, 8:24am: **Good morning, baby. Woke up w/ u on my mind. Call me when u r up?** **– E**

Message 3, 9:02am:** I'm sorry! I didn't mean for anything bad to happen - worked though, didn't it? I just care about both of you and want you to be happy. I knew you and Edward had to get your heads out of your asses and make up already. E says to give you space and time, so you come to me when you are ready to talk. 8-) – A** _Damn Alice! She makes it hard to stay mad at her…_

Message 4, 9:29am: **Heard that James was arrested last night for assault and attempted rape! R U OK? Call me asap. – Jessica** Well fuck! That was fast. I had hoped to avoid this for at least a couple of days. At least it's Jess and not anyone else. I;m relieved for about 1.2 seconds until I read the next message.

Message 5, 10:03am: **Fucking bitch! I knew you were nothing but a jealous-lying-cunt. James would never try to force himself on you when he has Tori. You just dug your own grave. C u at school. – Lauren** Shit_! That doesn't sound good. I knew this was going to be bad._

I hit the button for voicemail regretting it immediately when I hear my mother's confused voice on the other end. _**Bella, Charlie called and asked if I spoke to you yesterday. When I told him I hadn't he said you had something important to tell me and you would call me today. So call me.**_ I sigh. She sounds worried. With everything that happened with Edward, I totally forgot I promised to call her.

The second message is Renee again only sounding angrier and more insistent. _**Isabella Marie, you will call me as soon as you hear this message. I'm not kidding! If I don't hear from you soon, I'm going to force Charlie to tell me what is going on or hop on the next plane to Washington.**_ I look at the clock it's almost 11a.m. here meaning it's almost 2pm in Florida. I clear out the voicemails and run across the hall to use the bathroom before calling my mother, buying a little time to figure out how to tell her what happened without her freaking out and flying up here.

"Bella?" She answers after the first ring, now sounding panicked. "What is going on? What happened? Your father said something about a run in with another student, are you OK?" She rushes out.

"I'm fine mom. I have a couple of scratches that's all. Nothing to worry about." I say trying to placate her.

"What happened?"

"I was out in Port Angeles and a boy I knew got a little… _handsy_, but everything is OK." I try hoping she will let it go at that.

"Handsy? Scratches? Bella did he… did he try to…"

"Nothing happened, Mom. I promise."

"Your father had him arrested, right? I mean, he isn't going to get away with trying to hurt you?"

"Yes, he was arrested. I wish I could just forget it and move on, but now I have to deal with all this mess."

"Bella, if he put his hands on you, then he needs to learn that is not OK. If he tried something with you who's to say he won't try with someone else. I wish I had been there, I'd have scratched his eyes out." Oh, the maturity level of my mother.

But I have to smile as I mumble, "Don't worry, Edward took care of that for you."

"Edward? Edward Cullen? That cute redheaded boy you used to play with? He was there, too?"

"Yeah, he was there when I needed him… when I needed help protecting myself." I say allowing my happiness and pride to show through my words.

"You really like that boy, don't you?"

"Yeah, _like_." I reply.

"Well anyone who protects my baby-girl has my approval."

"Good, mom. I'm glad you feel that way because he's important."

"I can hear that in your voice, honey. It's just like when I first met Phil…" and there she goes, off and running. I love my mother, but there are times when her self-absorbency leaves me in awe. Once I am able to finagle my way off the phone with her by stating I am worn out from yesterday, I move on to the next order of business.

**Get your overgrown, scheming ass over here, pronto. – B** I text Jake. He better have a damn good explanation for his part in Friday night's disaster.

**Bells, don't be like that. U know I luv u! – J**

**I do, but you went too far. I'm really fucking pissed – B **

I'm so busy waiting for his reply that I jump when the phone actually rings. I accept the call and hear Jacob's deep, apologetic voice on the other end before I can even say hello.

"I'm sorry. I was honestly trying to help. Alice can be very persuasive when she thinks she's right," I can't argue with him on that point.

"But Jake, you know me better than anyone. How could you think that was a good idea?"

"I didn't, but between Alice and Maggie, I _couldn't_ say no. And I didn't think anything like what happened last night would happen. I really am sorry," he sounds truly remorseful.

"I guess I can forgive you. I got pulled in as well… and I am OK."

"I'm glad to hear nothing, um… serious happened. So what happened with Cullen?"

I smile, "Things are… better."

Jake chuckles, "Better, huh? Well I'm glad to hear that. You deserve to be happy, even if it isn't with me." I cringe reflexively, but relax when I hear the lightheartedness in his voice.

"I am and you deserve happines too. So, Maggie, huh? How did that happen? How did you end up getting pulled into this in the first place?"

"Well, after we had our, _disagreement_," I cringe while he continues "I found myself hanging out with Quill and Embry a lot. Embry met this girl from your school and wanted to see her, so we crashed the homecoming dance. When Embry took off with the girl to who-knows-where and Quil went outside for a smoke leaving me alone, Maggie came up to me and asked me to dance. I turned her down at first, but she convinced me to "have just one dance" and we ended up spending the rest of the night together- dancing, talking. She didn't even mind my two left feet and lack of dance moves. She is pretty, interesting, intelligent, and kind… and I discovered for the first time in my life I felt drawn to someone other than you." He paused letting that statement hang in the air for a moment before continuing, "It was after the dance Alice talked to us about her hair-brained scam to get you and her brother back together. At first, I only agreed so I could spend more time with Maggie thinking I could eventually convince Alice this wasn't the way to go at a later date- I had no idea what the little runt is like when she wants something bad enough. The more time I spent with Maggie, the more I realized how much I liked her. I was so happy to just be happy with someone and I wanted that for you, too. I think I let that cloud my better judgment and gave in. Besides, I know how you feel about Cullen – and I also know how damn stubborn you are and you would need a push."

"I'm glad you are happy, Jake, and I know your heart was in the right place, but please let me deal with my own messes from now on, OK?" I ask

"OK… Oh, hey, Maggie's trying to call me on the other line, are we good?"

I can't help the happy giggle that escapes from hearing my best friend so worked up about a girl that's not me, "Yeah, we're good. Go talk to your girlfriend you big oaf."

"Cool! Bye, Bells." He says as he hangs up quickly.

I quickly text Jess: **I'm OK thanks for asking, but I don't want to talk about it right now. – B**

She replies right away with: **I'm so glad ur OK! U don't have to tell me about it, just know I'm here if u want to talk. – J **and I think about how grateful I am to be able to count her as a friend once again.

Now that everything else is taken care of, I can relax and call Edward. I dial his number from memory and hit send with a huge smile across my face.

After three rings, I hear his velvet voice answer, "Hello. I was wondering how late you'd sleep... it's after noon, I didn't wear you out too much did I?" I can hear his smug smirk from here.

I roll my eyes, "I have actually been up for awhile, but I wanted to get all the unpleasant things done so I can just relax and talk to you."

"Hmmm, well that's slightly disappointing. Maybe I should try again?" he chuckles.

"Any time you want, as often as you want." I say breathlessly

"Belllllaaaaa!" he groans on the other line, "You can't say stuff like that to me. When you are all the way across town."

"Sorry." I giggle, "So what are you up to today?"

"It's family game night… I tried to get out of it, but mom insists that the best way to mend fences with Alice is to spent time playing board games and eating homemade pizza with her."

"Oh, well that sounds nice. Charlie has another 12-hour shift so I don't have to worry about him today, maybe I'll stay in my pajamas and read all day." I try not to sound too disappointed that I won't get to see him until school tomorrow.

"Well if you don't have any plans, would you like to come over for games and pizza? Mom's homemade pizza is amazing… and the games can actually be pretty fun. It's Emmet's turn, so we will probably play Star Wars Monopoly or Harry Potter Trivia."

"Oh, um…" I stammer

"You don't have to" he says trying not to sound dejected

"It's not that I don't want to, it's that I'm worried about how your family will react. I mean, I haven't been very nice to you in the recent past. They can't like me very much right now."

"You already know that isn't true in Alice's case- as evidenced by last night, my mom and dad are the ones who told me to invite you, and Emmett is, well, Emmett. He goes with the flow and if I'm alright with you then he's alright with you. So don't worry about that."

"Will Jasper and Rose be there, too?" croaking a bit when I say Rosalie's name… I have always been intimidated by her, right now even more so.

"Yeah, but I promise they'll be fine. Jasper is really mellow and basically does what Alice wants anyway and Rose? Well I'll talk to Rose. She is really not that bad, just incredibly loyal to the people she loves."

"Are you sure you want me there?" I ask to be certain.

"Yes. Please?" He pleads.

"OK. What time?" I relent, even though I'm worried that it will be a disaster

"We usually start playing around 4:00, but you can come early and I can show you my new room… you know since you haven't seen it and all." He adds most likely as a reminder that I'm not supposed to have been there since the 5th grade.

"That sounds, promising." I say my voice more husky than usual.

"Good. Hurry. I miss you."

"I love you" I mutter before ending the call.

I walk downstairs to find Charlie making himself a sandwich already dressed in his uniform. He nods at me as he takes a big bite.

"Hey. I'm going over to the Cullen's this afternoon, OK?"

He stiffens, "What for? Who all will be there?"

"We are going to play games with his family and have pizza. I won't be late." I squeak out realizing that I've never actually asked him to go out with a boy, let alone over to a boy's house.

"The whole family? Well I guess that's OK then. Be home by 10:30pm though, it's a school night." I nod my acceptance and go about making my own sandwich. After I eat, I take a long, hot, relaxing shower, replaying the events from last night remembering his guitar callused hands touching my body reverently. Just thinking about it causes my body to flush and my center to tingle. This could be a long day.

After my shower, I dress quickly in my best pair of jeans and a cerulean blue scoop neck, long sleeve shirt... and then I wait. I try to read a book, I try to do homework, I try to watch TV, but my thoughts keep turning to Edward and how his family must hate me. I would hate me; I _did_ hate me for what I put Edward through. I look at the clock to find it is only five minutes to two but decide I just can't wait anymore. So I grab my coat and keys and head to the truck. I text Edward as the old beast warms up: **Is it too early for me to come over? – B** I ask, really hoping it isn't seeing as I'm already in the car and all. He answers quickly: **No. Didn't I tell you earlier to hurry? C U in a few – E** I sigh in relief as I pull out of the driveway and speed along the roads as fast as I dare as the Sheriff's daughter.

I find myself unable to stop smiling, even with effort until I turn onto the long private drive when the nerves I was expecting finally hit me. I slow the car down to a crawl, I start to breath in quick, panting breaths and I feel like I might be sick, but I keep going. When the house comes into sight, I see Edward exit the front door wearing a forest green shirt, a pair of dark wash blue jeans, and a brilliant smile. As I get closer, he runs his hands absently through his hair, leaving it in the untamed disarray that I adore, and my nerves subside – a little.

I park off to the side and he runs out to meet me, hopping around a little, which I don't understand until he rips the door open and I see he has no shoes or socks on. "Edward, aren't you cold? Your bare feet must be frozen." I smile.

"A little, but at least now I don't feel the gravel digging into my skin." He replies leaning into the truck and sucking lightly on my neck.

"You should have put shoes on." I admonish.

"I heard your beast of a truck and just went for the door without thinking. Now kiss me so we can go inside before I get frostbite." He breathes only inches away from my mouth.

"Mmmm, we can't have that, now can we." I mutter as I close the distance and lightly press my mouth against his. His lips are warm and soft and he tastes minty, like he just brushed his teeth. We break apart slowly and he helps me out of the truck pulling me to the door.

As we reach the door, I hesitate. "It's OK, Bella. Really." He says and lifts my hand to kiss my knuckles as we walk into the front room. Nothing much has changed in the years I haven't been here, except the walls are now the color of a Starbucks Latte instead of the white they used to be.

"Bella! I'm so glad you could join us tonight." I hear from across the room as Edward's mom walks toward me drying her hands on a black hand-towel. When she reaches me, she pulls me into a tight hug as if it has been days since we've seen each other instead of years. I have to admit, it's pretty nice.

"Hi, Mrs. Cullen, thanks for inviting me." I mumble.

"Oh, Bella, please call me Esme, and it is our pleasure to have you. I'm just making the dough for the pizza while we wait for everyone else to get here. Edward, your brother is in the basement with Rose and Alice is out getting toppings with Jasper. Your father will be home about 3:30 and we will meet in the den at 4ish." She smiles and stands up on her toes to kiss his cheek sweetly before walking back to the kitchen.

I look over in time to see Edward blush and I giggle at his reaction to kiss on the cheek from his mom. He turns to me and shrugs as if to say 'Oh well, that's my mom.' I know they have always been close.

"Come on lets go upstairs." He smiles mischievously, making _me_ blush.

"Edward, do you really think that is a good idea? Your family is home. Shouldn't we stay down here?"

"Nope, we definitely should not stay down here." He says pulling me toward the stairs.

"Edward…" I warn

"Don't you think I can keep my hands to myself around you for a couple of hours?" He says with mock indignation, a quirk of his eyebrow and a snicker.

Two can play that game, "Maybe I'm worried I can't keep my hands to myself." I say and bite my bottom lip when he looks back at me questioningly.

"Belllaaaa! You can't say that shit to me when there are other people here." He whines reaching out to tug my bottom lip from my teeth lovingly. As we ascend the stairs, I notice the family and school pictures allowing my eyes to linger on Edward during the years I was in Phoenix. It makes me smile.

"And this is my room." Edward says a little louder than necessary before pulling me through the door and shutting it behind me with a thud. "We have a little more than an hour to kill before game time, what should we do?" He asks as he sweeps my hair over one shoulder and gently kisses my neck. I shiver.

"Edward, I thought you said you could keep your hands to yourself," I practically whine

"I lied to get you up here." He says unapologetically, while kissing his way gently up my neck and wrapping his arms around my waist from behind.

"Your mother is right downstairs… what if she walks in? I could never look at her in the eyes again if she caught us making out in your room. I don't think this is a good idea." I say suppressing the moan now that he has moved on to suckling my ear and palming my breasts with his big, beautiful hands.

"She won't" he reaches behind him and locks the door with a solid click. I whimper. "Maybe I should turn on some music? Or do you think you can be quiet?"

"I am not having sex with you while your family can just come upstairs at any minute." I try to say convincingly.

"OK, no sex. Got it." He says lifting my shirt and slipping his hands underneath to rub my quickly hardening nipples through my lace bra.

"Edward, we really should…" I say while simultaneously reaching back and pulling lightly on his hair eliciting a moan "um… stop?" It comes out as a question and he bucks his hips against my back. I can feel his obvious arousal and it makes the ache between my legs more intense. His lips stop their assault on my neck to walk us forward toward the bed. "Edward, if we end up on the bed, things will get too heated and I won't be able to resist ripping your clothes off and having my wicked, wicked way with you."

"Mmmmm" he groans into my ear, "OK, no bed. Got it." He grounds out and veers me toward the couch, which admittedly is only slightly less tempting than the bed, but I seem to be OK with it anyway. He somehow works my shirt up and over my head while walking and quickly reaches around to unhook my bra, when the back of my knees hit the soft, leather couch. He lays me gently down on the cushions covering my smaller frame with his allowing his hips to rest in between my denim-clad legs – all without breaking our kiss. Our tongues gliding together like dancers on a stage.

I slowly, pull his shirt from his jeans lightly dragging my short nails along his heated skin as I pull it up and over his head. He groans a little too loudly and we both freeze for a second.

"I guess I need to be a little quieter, huh? I just want you so fucking badly." He says his voice hoarse. Then he reaches over me to the little side table by the couch and uses a remote to flip on his sound system. "Or, we could just do that." He says with a smile and a growl as he drops the remote on the carpet and returns to kissing and licking his way down my neck to my exposed breasts. He takes his time sucking, licking and nipping before returning to my collarbone and fumbling with the button on my jeans.

I can't help but groan, "Edward, I can't have sex with your mom making homemade pizza in the kitchen right downstairs." I try to still his stealthy hands.

"No, sex. Got it." He repeats barely lifting his lips from my skin, but he pops the button anyway and pulls the zipper down, so he can slip his long, glorious fingers into my underwear. My rational mind tells me that we just got back together, that his family is right downstairs, that I'm here because his parents invited me and I don't know how his family – outside of Alice and Esme- will accept me, so we should stop. But the other part – the part that is apparently winning- says what they don't know won't hurt them, the door is locked, music is playing, and you missed his touch, so, so much- just relax and feel.

His hand has made its way to my already hot, wet center and he traces his fingers lightly over the sensitive skin, looking at me for permission, "No, sex?" I ask.

"No sex. I just want to see you… feel you" He confirms. I bite my bottom lip and he smiles taking my gesture as consent, but instead of continuing his blissful assault, he removes his hand causing a whimper to escape. He chuckles and reaches for the top of my pants – _oh_- I lift my hips to help him remove them. He peels both my jeans and underwear down my legs, slowly, seductively and tosses them on the floor next to our discarded shirts.

He makes his way back up my body, pausing to pull gently on my belly ring with his teeth. "God, I missed this little piece of jewelry." He says continuing his way up to my lips.

"Just the jewelry?" I question.

His emerald eyes sparkle with mischief as he looks down at me, "Well, I suppose I missed the body attached to it as well – just a little." He laughs when I growl and try to smack his chest, but he ducks down and runs his hot tongue over my hardened nipple, eliciting another moan of pleasure from both of us.

He kisses his way across my ribcage and my belly, slowly making his way down to the apex of my thighs. I shiver in anticipation, now knowing his plan. I'm too far gone to let him know that _oral_ is indeed _sex_. We will just go with the strict, literal, sense of the word. I moan loudly when he moves my legs further apart and runs his fingers along my slit, grateful for the music playing in the background. We both moan when the tip of his tongue meets my clit; the vibrations causing me to buck my hips further into his face.

"Mmmm, Edward. God, yes!" I say straining to keep my voice low. He keeps changing his technique and rhythm driving me insane. I feel it in every cell of my body- I feel _him_ in every cell of my body. When he adds one of his long fingers, I cry out, desperate to touch him anywhere I can reach. I find purchase on his hair and run my fingers through, tugging gently the way I know he loves. He moans again and adds another finger… and then another. When he curls them deep inside me I feel the fire erupt low in my belly and my muscles begin to clench.

"Oh, Edward! God, mmmm, yes, fuck, Jesus! Edward!" I whisper-yell before I fall over the edge. My legs shake, my vision blurs, and I can't breathe, I come so hard… harder than I ever had, which is really saying something. Edward slows his pace while I come down from the high only stopping completely and removing his fingers when my shaking has stopped – mostly. "That was… that was… wow! Thank you, I love you." I mumble.

He crawls up my body with a wide smile and situates himself next to me in the small space while I catch my breath. I kiss him, the taste of my orgasm still fresh on his lips. He moans and I can feel how hard he still is against my back. "Oh, Bella that is so fucking hot." He says.

"Yeah? Good. My turn." I say moving from my prone position on the couch to my knees on the floor.

**Edward:**

Bella falls to her knees in front of me and pulls me into a sitting position. "Bella" I shake my head no, "You don't have to do that. I didn't go down on you so you would do this." I gesture toward my crotch, where my obvious erection is straining against the zipper of my jeans.

"Thank you for telling me I don't have to, but I want to. I want to make you as feel as good as you made me feel. I love you, Edward."

"Bella…" she cuts me off with a searing kiss, biting my bottom lip just enough to be pleasurably painful. " I love you, too." She must have seen the tone in my voice as acquiescence because she undoes the buttons on my fly quicker than I thought possible. Her soft, warm hands delve into my boxer-briefs to rub my, aching member. I hiss and thrust my hips forward at the sensation. "Bella…" I try again, "I love you, but…" She begins stroking me up and down with the perfect amount of pressure and I forget what I was going to say

"That's right, you love me, so you are going to allow me to do what I want - what will make me happy. Please, baby?" I feel a jolt of electricity hearing my Bella call me baby… I never thought something like that could be so damn sexy, but fuck if I don't want to hear that every day for the rest of eternity.

"Oh, God." I groan and finally sit back. She beams up at me and I lift my hips to help her remove the rest of my clothes. When I look down, I realize she is still naked and I don't want her to hurt her knees. She starts licking my shaft, swirling her tongue over the tip with every stroke, "If, _lick,_ you are going to, _swirl_, do this, _lick,_ please use one of the, _swirl,_ silk pillows to put your knees on, _lick,_ I don't want you to hurt yourself, giving me, _swirl,_ pleasure." I finally manage to finish my sentence and hand her a pillow.

She looks up at me with a wondering expression, but moves her knees to the soft, smooth pillow, "I love you." She says in a voice I don't recognize, but just as I am about to question her, she leans over and sucks me into her mouth- hard- taking in as much as possible.

"ShitFuckGoddamnMotherfuckerB ellayouareamazing" I push out in one breath. She moves her head up and down my cock, stroking the base with one hand. "Oh, fuuuuck!" I moan out when I hit the back of her throat. My hands that have been resting on her head reflexively fist her hair and Bella moans… she moans!

Her free hand starts cupping and fondling my balls as she releases me from her mouth only to swirl her tongue around the sensitive head. My hips buck toward her and she sucks me back into her mouth with another moan. When she looks up at me through her long eyelashes, her gaze full of the love I know we share, I feel the inevitable tightening in my stomach. "Bella, I'm going to come." I say expecting her to release me, but she just sucks a little harder, "Bella, I'm going to… you have to…" I stutter, "Bella, baby, please." I say as loud as I dare, although I'm not sure whether I meant please stop or please keep going. She just looks at me with her giant brown eyes flecked with green and gold and I let go understanding what she wants.

"Jesus, fuck, God, Bella!" I say as I release in long spurts down her throat. She continues to suck while I ride out my orgasm and then she licks her way from the base to the tip, leaving a tender kiss on the tip. "Bella, Bella, Bella," I whisper reverently. It's not the first time she has ever given me a blow job, but it is the most intense AND she has never swallowed before. I didn't know that it actually made such a difference… or maybe it's just that we both know how we really feel about each other. I pull her up and she snuggles into my side. We sit in comfortable, post-coital silence for a few minutes before we hear a loud knock on the door making us jump and scramble for our clothes.

"Yo, Loverboy, 15-minute warning, we are setting up the game and mom is putting the last pizza in the oven. Get dressed and get downstairs so I can whip you and Double B's asses in friendly competition."

I throw a shoe at the door, yelling, "Fuck off, Em." Because Bella is now a shade of reddish-purple that I don't think is supposed to exist in nature. I pull her to me and she buries her face in my chest with an embarrassed groan. "He doesn't know anything; he's just being an ass. That's what he does." I lean down and place a kiss on the top of her head before pulling away to grab some clothes.

She picks up her clothes that were thrown haphazardly on the floor in our haste, "I'm going to, um…," she says with a shy smile nodding toward the bathroom. A few minutes later, we are descending the stairs hand-in-hand, only to be met with a very enthusiastic little pixie.

"Bella! Bella, I'm so happy you came!" she says pulling her into a fierce hug.

Emmett pokes his head around the corner, "Yeah, I'm sure she is too!" he smirks and waggles his eyebrows before walking into the kitchen. Fucker.

Alice ignores Bella's reddened face, saying, "don't listen to him, he's an ass." I snort having just said the same thing a few minutes ago –before remembering I'm angry with her.

I start, "Alice, please don't assume since we are joining you tonight that you are off the hook for what happened Friday night. That was…"

"… really fucked up. I know I get it." She interrupts now staring down at her shuffling her feet.

"I mean you were really…" I try

"out of line? I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Edward. Bella." She looks up at me with her big green eyes that are so much like mine and I open my mouth to remind her that Bella could have been… that she could have been hurt worse than she was, but Bella speaks first.

"Alice, I know you were only trying to help. I get it. I'm upset that you thought you had to manipulate me – us, but I do know why you thought that. I'm not happy how it happened and I really hate what happened with James, but I am grateful that I'm back with Edward…and I am happy that that son of a bitch is behind bars. I'm not really mad at you… it is just going to take me awhile to trust you. OK?" I look at Bella in disbelief. She is so incredible. She was hurt and she will most likely have to go to court and she is ready to forgive – if not forget- two days later.

"Bella you don't have to say that. You're allowed to be a…" I start to say _angry_, but she reaches up with her hand and gently runs her soft fingers over my lips. I quiet immediately.

"I do. She is your sister. She is the reason I'm here with you tonight and not at home, alone with my self-created misery… besides I would really like to start making friends… real friends." She stands on her toes to reach my mouth with hers. God, I love her.

"God, I love you." I say out loud when the chaste kiss is over.

"Dinner's ready and we're ready to play!" mom yells from the dining room.

We move forward, but Alice grabs Bella's arm and whispers, "About James… you should talk to Charlotte Mann." I raise my eyebrows, but Bella nods gravely. Shit. I _should_ have killed that fucker when I had the chance.

We make our way to the dining room table. The pizza looks incredible and smells even better. "We have a veggie, a meat, and one with both… I also made a smaller one with just cheese because I wasn't sure what everyone would be in the mood for.- and we all know it won't go waste with Emmett here." She gestures to the table with one hand, smiling brightly at Bella.

Just then, my brother and Rose walk into the room from the kitchen with armfuls of pop. I watch Rose surreptitiously, silently begging her to be nice to Bella as she places the cans on the tabletop and grabs a diet. I see her eyes narrow at Bella, who is talking quietly with mom. She opens her mouth, but before I have the chance to interrupt her, Em squeezes her arm gently and runs his hand down her cheek, with a soft smile, and she stops whatever she was about to say. When I am able to catch Emmett's eye, I nod at him in thanks, he just gives me a smile.

We all take a couple of slices and sit down. "So, what is it tonight Em, Star Wars Monopoly or Harry Potter Trivia?" Jasper asks with a smirk.

Emmett purses his lips with a slight frown, "Neither. I can't find either of them. I don't know what I did with them the last time we played! Do any of you have any idea?" he practically whines.

"Babe, remember we brought them over to my neighbor's when we babysat a few weeks ago, we must have left them there." Rose says trying to look serious through a smirk of her own. She must have hidden them. I know I saw them in the game closet just last week. Thank you, Rose! "Besides this will be so much fun." She nods at the set up on the table.

"I know, you're right, but you will remember to get the games from them, right? You know they're my favorites." She nods still hiding her smile "OK, we're playing Taboo because we have an even number for once. We just have to decide on teams." He smiles and gives Bella wink.

"Girls against boys!" Alice shouts, squirming in her seat excitedly. Rose's head shoots up and her blue eyes try to pierce Alice's forehead by will alone.

"Alice, maybe we should…" I start

"Good idea, Sis! My night, my decision; girls against boys." Emmett declares, now he is the unlucky recipient of Rose's obvious ire.

"I don't know…" I try again, this time it's Bella that interrupts me

"It's OK, Edward." She says with a shy smile and a gentle squeeze to my hand under the table. Alice claps and moves Bella to the other side of the table sliding in between Esme and Rose.

**Bella:**

I'm starting to regret giving in to boys against girls as Rosalie has gone between giving me the evil eye and completely ignoring my existence. I knew she would be the one. I sigh. I'm nervous enough about having try speak loudly and clearly enough for them to guess a random word.

"I go first!" Emmett announces and I can't help but smile at his enthusiasm. He sets up the cards while Alice holds the buzzer in case he says a word he isn't supposed to. Esme flips the timer and Emmett flips the first card. "Hmmm, this is a big, old, fat..." _buzz _"crap!"

"You said _fat_ and it's on the card – it was Santa Claus." Alice teases as he flips another card.

"OK, this is what you do when you're hu… no, can't say that. Um, this is how you get fo… nope not that either, shi… I mean darn. This is how you make a meal…" _buzz_, joyful clapping.

"Cook! You can't say meal!" Alice declares joyfully. Emmett grumbles and flips the next card.

"Oh, this is…" Buzz "I didn't even say anything, Alice! What the fu… heck!"

"Time's up big brother, but nice try." She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. I can't help but laugh along with everyone else. One by one, we all take our turns after Emmett, Alice next, then Jasper, then Esme, then Edward, I have to admit I'm having a really good time. I'm even starting to relax and joke around a little, and then it's my turn- I gulp. Carlisle is my _buzze_r- they don't trust Edward not to cheat- the score is 8 boys, 7 girls. Alice and Esme clap and cheer me on while Rose looks down stoically.

I flip the first card up when the timer goes, _water_ "cool, beautiful, pools…"

"Water!" Rose shouts and Carlisle nods as I flip the next card.

Hmmm, _chocolate_ "tastey, silk, brown…"

"Chocolate" Rose, who is now smiling at me, shouts out again.

The next 3 cards go the same way. All I have to do is say a few descriptive words and Rose gets it. We are up by four when time is out and Rose gives me a tentative smile as I walk back to my seat. Carlisle takes his turn with Rose on the buzzer. Unfortunately, for us he and Edward have this weird father/son telepathic moment and they get six right before time is called: 14 – 12, but Rose is last, so we still have a chance. Alice starts clapping as if we've already won as Rose takes her seat with Emmett behind her ready to buzz if she even thinks about saying something on the card. They are apparently _not_ worried that Emmett will cheat… I don't think he could ever throw a game on purpose, even for Rose.

"Lagoon" she says

"Blue!" I yell and she nods while Emmett swears under his breath.

"5778 degrees Kelvin" Rose smirks while Emmett laughs haughtily

"The sun?" I ask more than state.

"Yes!" Alice screams, standing up to do a victory dance. We only needed the two, we won.

"Oh, man! No fair! How the hell did she know that! I think they cheated!" Emmett whines, while the rest of us laugh.

Rose flips one last card and laughs so hard tears stream down her face. She looks up from the card directly at me and says "Emmett" through bouts of laughter and I know what she wants me to say, but I don't want to upset Emmett – although I really don't want to upset Rose. Luckily, just as I decide Emmet will be more forgiving than Rosalie, _"BABY"_ rings out clearly from three different directions, Edward, Jasper, and Alice have now joined Rose in her near hysterical laughter. Alice is holding her sides, Edward is doubled over, and Jasper is crying right along with his sister. Even Esme and Carlisle are chuckling. So I finally let go and join in as well.

"Hey!" Emmett sulks as he puts his large hands on his hips and stomps his foot… which just causes another round of hysteria to ensue. He turns to go when I hear Esme,

"Oh, come here, honey. We're sorry, we didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Did we?" She says with a cough and a smile eyeing us expectantly. We try to catch our breath and shake our heads 'no' trying to convey remorse and stifle our laughter at the same time.

Emmett looks around the table with pouty lips when we are finally able to calm ourselves. "Babe, come on it's just a game." Rose says reaching out for his hand. With that, he stomps to her side and throws her over his shoulder in a flash, while she screams. "I know, but now you have to make it up to me, Rosy." He says as he slaps her denim clad ass and heads toward the basement.

My jaw falls open and my eyes bug so far out of my head I'm worried they will literally fall out. Edward has made his way around to stand beside me and I can see him shake his head in awe at his brother's lack of boundaries. He leans over to kiss the top of my head. His warn hand engulfs mine and I unthinkingly bring his fingers to my mouth and kiss his bruised knuckles. I hadn't realized that everyone was looking at us, so when I look up to see everyone's smiling faces, I can feel the heat rise in my cheeks.

"Emmett, your parents are right here!" Rose growls saving me from my embarrassing position as the center of attention. Emmet smiles sheepishly and looks as if he is going to be properly ashamed, before he shrugs and lightly bites her ass.

"I don't know what you mean" He blinks "I'm just going to go kick your ass at Guitar Hero." He smiles, the dimples giving him the illusion of innocence, which sends us all into more peals of laughter. Emmett makes it to the basement door before Rose looks at me from her upside down position and says quietly, "I'm glad you came." With a wink and a smile.

We all help clean up and Edward volunteers to do the dishes, so he rinses and I place them in the stainless steel dishwasher. Esme and Carlisle inform us they are going to relax in the family room, while Alice and Jasper pull out their homework on the dining room table. When we're finished, I look over at Edward to see a nasty scowl on his beautiful face.

"What wrong?" I ask lifting my hands to run my fingers along the creases that sour look put on his forehead. He relaxes slightly with my touch and pulls me into him wrapping me tightly in his arms.

"You were about to tell me you have to go home. It's only 8:30 I don't want you to go home." He whines.

"Yeah, I really should get going. I'm sure my dad will be anxious to hear about my day and I need to call my mom who is a few hours ahead us. I promised her I'd tell her more about this amazing boy I seem to have fallen in love with." I say while my cheeks flush.

"You do, huh?' his voice sounding happy, smug, and resigned all at once. "OK. I'll walk you out to your "vehicle." He says with air quotes. Ass- a sexy, ass, but still an ass.

When we get to the truck, he pins me forcefully to the driver's side door and kisses me – hard. By the time he pulls away and rests his forehead on mine, we are both panting and I'm tingling all over my body. "Good night." I whisper when I catch my breath, "I had a really good timet – I can't remember the last time I had so much fun." I admit – He raises one eye giving me that damned-wonderful crooked smile and I amend with an exaggerated eye-roll, "Well at least not with a whole group of people." I smile back at him as I pull my door open.

"Bella?" His tone is serious now –the playful atmosphere receding quickly, I look at his now worried expression, "We have school tomorrow." He practically whispers.

"I know. How do you want to do this" I gesture between us. I whisper in return, wondering if he's changed his mind about going public.

"Can I pick you up? For school? In the morning, I mean?" he kind of stutters out. "I want to spend as much time as possible with you, being without you tonight will be bad enough, so I want to get to you as early as possible." He says earnestly. He is very cute when he is shy.

"I'd like that."

"Good. I'll text you when I'm on my way." Then he gives me a devastatingly gorgeous smile, "I can't wait to walk into school, holding your hand, knowing you are finally, _finally,_ mine." He practically growls and I shiver.

"I love you." I say matter of factly

"I love you too. Sweet dreams." He pecks my lips one last time before stepping away. He stands on the gravel driveway until I can no longer see him.

"Sweet dreams? I hope so." I sigh as I drive into the darkness

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><p><strong>EN: A little wrap-up with the family before school. I am not sure whether there will be one or two chapters left, it depends on how long they are. Question: would you rather have one longer chapter or two shorter ones? Please review and leave your opinion if you have one! As always, thank you so much for reading!**


	23. Chapter 23: Friends, Foes, and Fellows

**A/N: WARNING! There is a description of sexual assault in this chapter – nothing graphic – I tried to be as gentle as possible with this delicate subject and I also wanted to make sure you all were aware before reading… if this is something that you would prefer not to read, send me a note and I'll send you a summary of the chapter. Here we go…**

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><p>Self Esteem Ch 23: Friends, Foes, and Fellows in Arms<p>

BELLA:

I do NOT have sweet dreams. I barely sleep at all. I toss and turn only to drift in and out of a light sleep. Finally, at 5am, I decide to get up and face the day. After taking a long, hot shower, I stare at myself in the foggy mirror. The bite marks at the base of my neck and the cuts over my collarbone and sternum are still an angry red, and I know I don't have the right make-up or the skill to cover it. Looks like I'll have to wear something to cover them if I don't want people staring all day. I straighten my hair, and actually put on some mascara trying in vain to detract from the dark circles under my eyes. I find a silk scarf my mom got me a couple of years back and pair it with black jeans and an emerald-green sweater the same color of Edward's eyes when he's happy. And still I have plenty of time before said boyfriend's arrival – _boyfriend!-_ so I head downstairs and decide to have a hot breakfast for once. I make myself a big bowl of apple cinnamon oatmeal and dig in.

Edward texts me just as I finish washing the bowl: **On my way. Can't wait to see you. Luv E**. I smile despite the butterflies that have taken up residence in my stomach at the prospect of what may be in store today. I grab my stuff and decide to wait on the porch, hoping the cool air will help the butterflies fly away. After what seems like an eternity of slowly breathing in and out attempting to calm my rising panic, I hear a car pull into the driveway. I look up to see those gorgeous, green eyes looking happily at me through the windshield. He reaches for the door handle as I stand and walk to the passenger side door where he meets me with a beautiful smile.

"Hello." He breathes, lightly kissing my lips.

"Hi." I respond with a smile.

"I dreamt about you, which made your absence from my bed a little better – and a little worse." He drags his index finger up my cheek and hooks a wayward hair behind my ear.

"OH?" is my witty response. He chuckles and comes in closer. I breathe deeply in anticipation, but he just reaches behind me to open the door. Tease. When we're both seated and belted in, he gives me one of his patented dazzling smiles.

"Ready?" he asks.

"Um… maybe?" I squeak out.

"Have you changed your mind about going public?" He says, his face falling and brow furrowing.

"No! I'm just worried about _them_ and what _they'll_ say." I mutter reaching out to take his hand.

"I doubt anyone will even notice. It will be fine. Besides, I won't let anything happen to you." He lifts my hand and kisses my knuckles. But even his lips on my skin doesn't calm me. We sit in anxious silence until he pulls into the school lot.

I sit paralyzed and wide-eyed, until Edward opens my door. "Hey, baby. It'll be OK." He leans in and kisses me gently and slowly, as he helps me out of the car. I look around at our classmates, who are all going about their usual business. No one is paying us attention at all. I sigh a breath of relief. Edward chuckles and kisses my hand again.

"I love you." He says.

"I love you, too." I say feeling slightly better.

We walk hand-in-hand across the lot and through the front doors; so far, so good. I spy Alice and Jasper hanging out by my locker and while she isn't my favorite person right now, I'm grateful that she is there. I nod and smile as we walk to where they stand.

"We thought you could use a little support." Alice says, nodding toward Jasper, who smiles in response.

"Thanks." I offer

"It's the least I can do." She purses her lips and Edward leans down to kiss the top of my head. That's when I feel the eyes. People have noticed and I can feel their curious, prying stares. No one has said anything, at least not yet, but I can hear them murmuring. I stare at the tops of my shoes as if they will run away on their own if I move my eyes a fraction of an inch.

I feel Edward's hand lift my chin, "Hey. It's OK. Ignore them." He smiles and I shake my head. I know he is right. The first bell rings and he holds my hand as he walks me to my first class. He kisses my hand before letting go as I turn and walk into my classroom. Everyone stares, a few whisper, a few giggle. I ignore them all and take my usual seat in the back of the room. When class is over, I wait until everyone else has left and then brace myself for the long, lonely walk through the hallways, but Edward is there waiting for me. He takes the hand not holding my books and squeezes it.

"I told you I would be here with you. I'll meet you after every class. I promise."

"You don't have to do that. I don't want you to be late on my account." I mutter half-heartedly

"I _want_ to do this. I miss you during class. We're at that newly-in-love-don't-want-to-be-apart phase."

"Yeah?" I ask with a shy smile.

"Yeah." He confirms

Edward continues to walk me to classes as promised lifting my spirits momentarily, and then I walk through the doors to the always curious and sometimes indignant eyes of my classmates who are obviously whispering _about_ me but refuse to speak _to_ me.

I have never been so grateful for lunchtime in my life. After game night, I feel much more at ease with his family and I am looking forward to being surrounded by friendly faces for a while. Edward leads me to his usual table where Emmett is already sitting with a tray overflowing with food.

"I'll get your lunch. What would you like?" Edward asks.

"Awwwe, isn't that sweet," Emmett exaggerates so I know he is teasing, "He's buying her lunch." He bats his eyelashes playfully.

"Fuck off, Em." Edward retorts before turning back to me.

"Taco Salad, please. And a Coke." I smile.

"Be right back. Em, be nice, please." He says sternly as he walks away

"I'm always nice, right Double B?" He smiles

"Why do you call me Double B?" I question

"Bella the Bitch... Double B, get it." He grins at his self-reverential cleverness as Rose smacks the back of his head, "Hey, Rosy. What the hell?" He whines rubbing his head

"Emmett, use your brain!" She quips and then looks at me apologetically.

"OH! Sorry, Double… uh, I mean Bella." He now looks truly sorry.

"It's OK, Emmett. I know who I was." I say with a shrug.

"Hey, maybe now it could stand for, Baby Bella, Boney Bella" He says squeezing my protruding elbow for emphasis, "Bright Bella…"

"Beautiful Bella" I hear Edward whisper in my ear behind me. So cheesy, but I can't help but smile. He sits down next to me and slides my salad over. I eat quietly while everyone around me jokes and laughs. Every few minutes Edward squeezes my hand and gives me a smile.

We walk to Biology hand-in-hand and spend the period sneaking glances at each other over our notes while holding hands under the desk.

"One more class and then I have you all to myself again." He says as we approach the girls' locker room.

"Yeah… one more class." I scowl toward the open locker room doors.

"It will be OK." He leans in and kisses the top of my head. I try to smile for his sake, but inside my stomach's in knots. I don't think he realizes that this class is full of _them_ the hags Lauren, Tori, and Bree. "I gotta go or I'm going to be late. I DO NOT want detention this afternoon. I'll see you after class." He squeezes my hand, knowing intuitively that I need the reassurance before quickly walking away.

I stand in the hallway until the last possible minute when the coach comes to close the doors. "Do you need an invitation, Swan? Get in here." She drawls. I grab my stuff from my bag and change quicker than I thought possible, making it out to the bleachers in under 3 minutes. I sit as far away from _them_ as possible, but it doesn't stop me from hearing their laughter and seeing their derisive looks. I peak over at Lauren who is holding court. Bree and Tori are leaning in, nodding with fervor, and laughing when appropriate, while Jess sits on the bleacher below only half listening. I find it interesting that at the beginning of the year, it was Lauren and Jess, hanging on my every word, with Tori and Bree on the bleacher below, trying desperately to fit in. Things have totally changed in the past three months.

"OK, folks, we are running today! So everyone hit the track." Coach commands with a snap of her fingers. At least it isn't a team sport today. I sigh before taking off at a slow pace, making sure to put as many people and as much space in between me and the hags as possible. I half expect them to run around and to trip me or push me down, but they seem to be content with sideways glances and giggling at my expense. Jessica hangs back behind the wicked trio, running with a girl whose name I can't remember. At least she has put some distance between herself and _them_, even if she hasn't actually talked to me. The hour goes by quicker than I thought it would and without incident. Huh, maybe things _will_ be OK after all.

"OK, Ladies, time to hit the locker room. Good job today!" Coach yells over her shoulder as she moves to open the locker room. I want to rush in and change at lightning speed to get out to Edward as fast as possible, but I hang back until the last bell rings, hoping everyone will clear out before I head in. I look around, feeling slightly paranoid, but don't see anyone. Feeling a little more relaxed, I move slowly to sit on the bench in front of my gym locker, but before I am half-way through taking my shoes off, Lauren saunters toward me with an evil smile on her face and her hags close at her heels. I look behind them for the coach or even Jessica, but the four of us seem to be the only ones left. I freeze. Fuck, this could go badly. Why do I always jinx myself by feeling relieved too soon. I mean shouldn't I have learned by now?

**Edward:**

After dropping Bella off at her last class, I have to hurry to make it to mine on time. I wasn't kidding, Mr. Berty really will give me detention if I'm late. He's had it out for me ever since I questioned his interpretation of symbolism in Poe's The Masque of the Red Death in front of the whole class. I am about to make it through the door right before the bell rings, but Riley puts himself between me and the doorway.

"Cullen. You better tell your little slut to back the fuck off of James or she may not like what happens." He says in a low voice.

"Not gonna happen. He's an asshole who thinks he can just take whatever he wants. Well, now he is going to learn what happens when he puts his hands on someone without permission." I growl.

"Permission?" He huffs, "She gives permission just by being Bella the Bitch."

"That's not true and you know it… first _hand_." I stress the last word so he knows I know. He flinches slightly, but recovers quickly

"You should really think about trying to convince her not to pursue this. The entire town is about to know all about her stellar reputation as the town sperm dumpster. I doubt she would want that." He smiles smugly, "Have fun in detention, Berty's on the warpath today." He chuckles as he walks away.

Shit, I forgot all about class. Before walking in, I quickly send a text to Bella so she'll know where I am. **Sorry, babe. Didn't make it to class on time, sure I'll get detention. Wait for me in the library? Luve u. – E**

Mr. Berty has already started class, so when I walk through the door, he turns to look at me with an evil gleam in his eyes. "Mr. Cullen, I'm so glad you could join us. It will be nice to have company while I grade papers this afternoon. The white board and all the desks need to be cleaned." He says with a smug smile.

"Sure, Mr. Berty, sorry I'm late." I mutter and quickly take my seat. I spend the entire class in a thoughtful fog. I know what people think about Bella, and I honestly don't care, but I know she does. I could kill James. Hearing the final bell I check my phone to see if Bella texted back. Nothing. I start to feel uneasy, but convince myself she is probably just changing out of the dreadful school gym uniforms.

Mr. Berty hands me some paper towels and all-purpose cleaner. I work as fast as I can on the 28 desks, while he sits and gloats silently, asshole. Then I move on to the white board… at least it isn't a chalkboard. When I'm finished I return the supplies to Berty's desk, trying in vain to get away without further incident.

"I should make you stay, but I'm feeling charitable today. Don't be late for my class again." He grumps and returns to his stack of papers. I nod afraid of what may come out of my mouth if I answer verbally.

I look at my phone again as I leave, still nothing, but I decide to head toward the library first anyway. She must have gotten my text or she would be calling me wondering where I am right? I look around the library searching for her face, but she is not here, so I text Alice: **Hey, have u seen Bella since school ended? – E**

She answers within seconds, **No, I thought she was with you. Find her, I have a bad feeling. – A**

Shit, not good. I head toward my car, running once I'm through the outside doors, but find nothing, not even a note. I dial Bella's number, but it goes right to voicemail. I start to panic when I see Lauren's Ford Escape still in the lot. I sprint back to the school, down the hall toward the gym, hoping she is in the hall still waiting for me, but she isn't there either. I go to knock on the locker room door, but hear heated voices inside, so I decide to try the door and it opens with a quiet groan.

I stalk quickly through the room following the voices, looking for Bella. Finally, I make my way around the last row of lockers and call out for her.

**Bella:**

"I cannot believe you have the nerve to show up here today, holding that idiot-freak's hand like you didn't try to ruin someone's life this weekend." She crosses her arms and glares at me.

Tori starts in, looking more upset than angry, "Yeah, Bella, what the fuck? You know James would never do anything like that! He is a little rough sometimes, but he would never try to force himself on anyone-

"Especially you!" Lauren interrupts, "We all know he just has to pour a few drinks down your throat and get you semi-alone and you'd open your legs right up for him, willingly, enthusiastically even." Lauren sneers.

"I… I'm… not…" I stutter still looking at my socks, trying to gather the courage to finally tell them I'm not really like that, not that they'll believe me, but it is about time I start telling the truth.

Lauren interrupts. "Don't lie. We know you pressed those bogus charges against James for some sort of vendetta. What did he turn you down? Did he tell you he wouldn't touch you if you paid him? It must be nice to have daddy in charge of this backwoods police force."

"It was in Port Angeles, not here." I manage "My dad had nothing to do with it. I didn't even want to call the police. I didn't want to press charges; I just wanted him to leave me alone." I say, feeling a little stronger.

"Sure, you didn't" she scoffs "like you didn't know they'd believe you over him because of who your father is. Well that won't last very long. We are all going to PA today to tell them what a whore you really are." I flinch at the venom in her voice. "You use people, _Bella the Bitch_ and then spit them out. You have always taken what you need and then thrown the rest away." Lauren seethes only inches from my face.

The mention of Edward, gives me a little strength, "You keep Edward out of this. It has nothing to do with him. I'm not like that. It was lies, all lies. I just let those boys say they did those things to me because I wanted to be popular. For once, I wanted to be on top, and for some, strange, fucked-up reason, that's what it took."

"Right, Bella. Don't you remember you slept with Riley while we were on short break? About 15 minutes after it happened?" It's Bree this time.

"Bree, I didn't sleep with Riley. I don't know what he told you, but I didn't." I plead trying to get her to believe me, knowing all the while that I made my own bed of lies.

"You don't care who you fuck and you certainly don't care who you fuck over." She snarls anyway, taking a step closer. They're closing in on me. Soon I'll have nowhere to go. I look around for someone to help me, anyone, but there is no one there.

"Lying about James is just another way to fuck with us, but this time, you could ruin someone's life. I'm not going to let you." Lauren adds.

Finally, I stand up meeting her cruel, dark eyes and pull the neck of my t-shirt down so they can see the marks James left. "Here, see what he did to me. Look at the bite marks, look at the thin scratches he made with his pocketknife. If Edward hadn't shown up when he did, he _would_ have raped me." I say, then turn toward Tori's wide, angry eyes. "I'm sorry, Tori, but he did. He did this to me."

"Bullshit! Tori yells, her unsteady voice reverberating off the metal lockers, "He would never do that!"

"Tori, he has done it before. Remember that night in the woods when he left and went to the hospital? Remember how he told you he tripped and broke his nose? You couldn't have really believed him, could you?" I question

"Well, I wasn't going to, but you convinced me that it was true." she huffs crossing her arms over her chest protectively. I can see a sliver of doubt creeping into her eyes though.

"He tried to… tried to… well he tried to do the same thing then that he tried last night."

"How did his nose get broken then? You couldn't have done that to him." Tori asks, doubt starting to take root.

"Edward was there then, too." I mutter.

"Don't let this little cunt fool you. She is a whore and she will pay for lying about James. You know how she is. You know James told you she came on to him. You know how he really is, he would never do this." Lauren declares. Tori and Bree turn back to me with new conviction. They each grab one of my arms before I have the chance to do anything to defend myself. I prepare for the pain as Lauren pulls back her arm with a sneer, but I hear a small voice behind her instead.

"He did it."

Lauren whips around and the hags drop my arms in surprise. I look over to see Jessica standing with her arm on the shoulder of the girl she was running with during class. "What did you say?" she takes a step closer to the pretty, brunette with grey-blue eyes. Jessica gives her shoulder a small squeeze of encouragement.

"He did it, James. He did it." She says a little louder.

"Were you there? How the fuck would you know? Who the fuck are you anyway?" Lauren growls, but I notice both Tori and Bree looking curious.

"This is Charlotte." Jessica finally speaks. "I forgot my History book, when I came back to get it, I found her crying in the corner. You may have heard, but apparently you were otherwise focused." she eyes the three of them. "We were able to have a whole conversation before you even knew we were here. You really are not that observant."

"What the fuck, Jessica. You should be here with us." Lauren gestures behind her to the others, "You should kiss the ground I walk on because I didn't decide to ruin you after you took Bella's side last night on the phone."

Ignoring Lauren's words, Jess turns to Tori, "I'm sorry, Tor, but listen to what she has to say." She says motioning for Charlotte to begin.

"I met James this past summer at the end of the year beach party. He was nice, and cute. We danced and drank and laughed. My beer cup was never empty. After awhile, I was feeling a little woozy, and wanted to sit down." She winces and starts playing with her hands before continuing. "James said he knew a quiet area that had a couple of driftwood pieces that made good benches and he took my hand pulling me down the beach."

Tori put her hands up to stop her, "Stop. I was at that party. I was with James. That couldn't be true." She says stiffly.

"Remember how drunk I got that night?" Jess stated and Tori nodded, "You were DD and I had to get home before my mom caught me coming in wasted. You took me home and before you went back, you helped me in the shower and put me to bed. You were probably gone about an hour or so, right?" Tori nods again "And even before that," Jess continues, "we walked down the beach looking for jellyfish." Tori's eyes look the size of small saucers now as she looks back to Charlotte.

"So, we walk down the beach a ways and head up behind those big rocks where the forest starts, but there was no driftwood. He said he must have gotten the direction wrong." She stops and swallows loudly. "I was so dizzy that all I wanted was to sit I didn't really care where, so I just plopped down on the sand using the largest rock as a backrest." She looks at Jessica, fear now obvious on her face.

"It's OK. Go ahead." Jess encourages.

Charlotte takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly and closes her teary eyes before continuing, "He sat down next to me and started playing with my hair. It felt nice. Then he leaned over and kissed my neck and nibbled on my earlobe before moving to my mouth. He kissed me slowly at first, but soon he became rougher, more insistent. I pushed him back and told him I wanted to get back to the party, but when I tried to stand up, he pulled me down. I landed on my back and he moved his body on top me. He told me not to worry, that he would take care of me and that no one would know."

Tears were streaming down her face now and as I walked over to take her hand as a show of support, I found my cheeks wet as well. The hags just stood there, silent and frozen. "I told him no and pushed him away, but he was too strong. The harder I fought the harder he pushed. He bit me, scratched me and bruised me… when he was finished; he stood and took my hand to help me up. He said, 'I love it when girls like it rough. Maybe we will do it again sometime,' and walked me back, leaving me to sit alone by the bonfire. I went home and didn't tell anyone."

The room becomes completely silent. I'm sure we could have heard the mice in the walls if they had been moving. Finally, Lauren laughs. "What a liar." She says as she looks at me. "What did you pay her or something? We are not going to believe some sniveling, little brat just because she cries and tells a good story. I mean, come on, there's no proof!"

"I have a scar." Charlotte whispers and moves to pull the collar of her shirt aside.

I squeeze her hand, "You don't have to do that. You told your story, thank you for that. I don't care if they don't believe it. I do. I can only hope that by talking about it, it helps." She nods and squeezes back.

"He does like it rough…" Tori murmurs, barely above a whisper "He loves it when I pretend to fight him."

"Let's…" I start, but I'm distracted by a beautiful, but frantic voice from the doorway.

"Bella? Are you in here?" Edward says as he walks around the corner, his face scrunched up with worry. "Are you alright?" he asks, as he looks around at all the faces, scowling at the hags, before turning back to me. He looks me over for visible signs of injury. Finding none, he crushes me to him, relief obvious on his face.

"I'm fine." I say into his chest. He pushes me back slightly, to look at my face, doubt wrinkling his forehead. I reach my hand up to touch his cheek. He immediately leans further into my hand and covers it with his own. "Really, I'm OK." I manage a small smile.

"Thank, God. I was so worried!"

"Well, isn't this special. The freak is concerned about the whore's feelings." Lauren drawls before letting out an evil laugh. Edward wheels around to face her, but before he can say anything Jessica speaks beside us.

"She. Is. Not a whore! I am so tired of your bullshit! She made mistakes – yes, but she never slept with anyone's boyfriend." Lauren scoffs, "believe what you want, but don't be a hypocrite. Why don't you tell your new best friends, all about your side activities?" she says with a sneer and turns to Tori, "Why don't you ask yourself why she is so invested in setting James free?"

"Shut the fuck up, Jessica!" Lauren roars and starts for the door, "We're done here, let's go." She says expecting her entourage to follow. Bree falls into step, but Tori doesn't move.

"I'm staying here." Tori mutters, barely above a whisper. I look up to see moisture pooling in the corner of her eyes.

"What? You don't actually believe them do you?" Lauren asks incredulously.

Tori shrugs and looks down at her hands that are playing with the bottom of her sweater, "If he did this, then he deserves whatever he gets." She says quietly.

Lauren rolls her eyes, "What-the-fuck-ever, come on Bree let's go." She says and walks out the door with her lap dog right on her heels.

We all stand there not saying anything- not really knowing what to say is more like it. Finally, it's Edward who speaks. "What happened in here?" He asks eyeing my tear streaked face.

"Lauren is not happy that James is in jail." I state simply and turn toward Charlotte. "What would you like to do now? I won't push you to do anything you're uncomfortable with. It really is enough just to have heard your story." I say, grateful for the corroboration. I realize until Charlotte spoke, I was not 100% sure he would have gone through with it.

"I think, I'd like to talk to the police." She stutters, "I think I am ready to face it. At first, I thought no one would believe me, and then I fooled myself into believing he was just really drunk and wouldn't do something like this to me or anyone else if he had been sober. But now that I'm not alone, I think I can do this." She smiles weakly in my direction. My returning smile is just as weak.

"Do you want me to come with you? Do you want me to call my dad? How can I help?" I say.

"Yeah, I would like you to come with. Jessica, will you come too?" she asks. Jess nods.

"Do you think it would help if I made a statement too? I mean, he never forced me, but I can talk about how he, um… was when we were _together._" Tori asks shyly. I look at her through new eyes, feeling grateful for what she just offered. I know it must be hard for her. Despite the fact that she can be a mega-bitch, she seems genuinely upset.

"It couldn't hurt." I shrug before returning my attention to Edward. His eyes are sad and angry, understanding what must have happened to Charlotte "I need to go with them to the station. Can I call or stop by later?"

"Of course. Do whatever you need to. I'll be here whenever you want, for whatever you need." He leans down and places a soft kiss on the top of my head. "I love you."

"I love you." I answer.

I ride to the station with Charlotte in Jessica's car. True to her word, Tori follows. When we walk in together, my father strides right over to me, "Bella are you alright? What's going on?" he rushes out.

"I'm OK, Dad. We just have something we need to report_._" I squeeze Charlotte's hand gently.

"OK, Bells, let's go sit at my desk. I'll take the report." He gestures toward his desk in the far corner of the large, open space full of people, the only thing identifying it as the chief's is the name plate.

"Um, Dad, maybe we could do this in the interview room? And maybe Officer Clearwater could take the report?" I ask hoping he'll get it when I ask for the only female officer on the force.

His eyes widen and goes cold as understanding leaks in. "You four head on in and I'll send Sue in there in a minute." He says, his voice hard as steel. I nod and show the others to the only room with a door that doesn't have bars.

"Chief Swan?" Charlotte looks up at him, the tears starting again. "Can you please call my mom?" She asks and I put my arm around her shoulders that are beginning to shake with the force of her crying.

"Of course, honey." He says, stepping closer, but being careful not to touch her.

Just as Tori finishes describing what James is like when everything is consensual, Charlotte's mom rushes in and hugs her daughter as if she thought she'd never see her again. We leave quietly as Sue turns on the tape recorder to get Charlotte's official statement.

The three of us sit on the bench in the lobby, not talking, not moving, just waiting. It takes a couple of hours for Charlotte to give her statement and Sue to take pictures of the scar in the form of a bite mark just above her collarbone, so similar to mine. Eventually, Tori and Jessica leave, the latter promising to speak to me at school in the morning and Charlie leaves his shift a little early to drive me home. The short ride is silent, but he holds my hand, squeezing my fingers in a fatherly gesture.

"Good night, Dad." I say as I trudge up the stairs, exhausted. All I want to do is take a hot shower, call Edward and go to bed.

"Night', kid. I love you." He says. Wow, he must really be worried about me. I return the sentiment before heading directly to the bathroom. I take a very long, very hot- as hot as I can stand it- shower and put on my warm, comfy purple robe. I pick up the clothes that I was wearing earlier and take my phone out of the back jeans pocket, only now realizing I forgot to turn it back on. I dial Edward, as I walk across to my room wanting to hear his voice before I crash, but before I hit the last number, my door opens of its own volition. I almost scream until I see the worried face and wrecked bronze hair. Edward pulls me through the door and into his arms, crushing my body to his.

He breaths in deeply, "I was worried when you didn't answer my calls or texts. I couldn't wait until you got home, so I snuck in the window." He murmurs into my hair.

"I'm glad you're here. I was just going to call you. I needed to hear your voice, but I'm too tired to go out." I return.

"Well, I'm here now, so you don't have to worry about that. Can I stay?" he asks

"Sure, what time do you need to be home?" I ask and then remember there was no sign of his car in the driveway. "Hey, where's your car?"

"Emmett dropped me off. I don't have to be home, he is covering for me. I thought you may need me. So, can I stay? I just want to hold you… please?" he says in a worried voice, as if I'd ever tell him no.

"Of course you can." I say and stand on my tiptoes to reach his mouth for a chaste kiss. I take his hands and pull him back to my bed. We settle in, our bodies molding to each other perfectly.

"Good night, Bella." Edward whispers after a minute or two.

"Night, Edward. I love you." I whisper back already half asleep.

"I love you too. Don't worry, tomorrow will be better. I promise." He says with conviction. I want to ask him what the tone meant, but I'm already too far gone to form words. I just hope he's right, that tomorrow will be better.

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><p><strong>EN: OK folks, one more chapter to go! Maybe an epilogue? I'm not sure it depends on how everything fits into the chapter. I thank each and every one of my readers for taking the time to check out my words. I LOVE the reviews – I don't usually have time to respond, but I read and cherish each one I receive. As always, thanks for reading and take care!**


	24. Chapter 24: Waiting for a Girl Like You

**A/N: I know it's been forever, but between RL crap and serious writers block (prompted no doubt by the fact that this is the end) The chapter just wasn't ready to post. I wanted to make sure you guys got a decent ending! I hope you like! PLEASE READ THE NOTE AT THE BOTTOM.**

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><p>Self Esteem Ch. 24: Waiting for A Girl Like You<p>

**Edward:**

As I stand next to Bella in the school parking lot trying to calm myself, Bella looks at me apprehensively, "I need to go with them to the station. Can I call or stop by later?"

I really don't want her to go – at least not without me, but I know the girls need to do this on their own, so I lean down to kiss the top of her head and say "Of course. Do whatever you need to. I'll be here whenever you want, for whatever you need. I love you."

"I love you too." She answers and disappears into Jessica's car with Charlotte. Tori follows them closely in her beat up little Honda. I don't know how long I stand there staring at the tail lights as they head toward the police station before I snap out of it and head toward my own car. I just want to get home, take a nap and wait for Bella's call, but before I make it to the Volvo, I hear an annoying, nasally voice call my name from behind me. I try to ignore her hoping she'll just go away, but she steps a little closer.

"Edward, I know you can hear me." _Shit!_

I spin around quickly, making my face a violent mask and injecting as much venom into my voice as possible, "What do you want, Lauren?"

"Edward, what are you doing with that skanky, little, slut? I thought you were better than that." She says with an evil gleam in her eyes.

"First, don't call her a slut, she's not. Second, I'm with her because I'm in love with her. I always have been… but you knew that already, right?" I retort.

She laughs sardonically, "I guess I figured you'd be over her by now. I mean she was such a bitch to you for so many years. I didn't think you'd still be waiting for _your Bella _to return." She says in reference of a similar conversation we had long ago. "I mean, when she came back and became such a high and mighty bitch, I thought you'd move on, I didn't think you'd be so damn pathetic."

I stand up straighter making sure I'm at my full height and take a step closer, gritting my teeth, "What I do or don't do is none of your Goddamn business. It never was. It never will be."

She rolls her eyes and moves even closer, now looking at me as if I'm something to eat. "Oh, Eddie, the fun we could have. You are so damn, sexy when you're angry, even if you are standing up for that ridiculous little whore…" She sighs dramatically and reaches out to run her hands up my chest. "It's really too bad you spent most of your life swooning over a piece of trash. You are such a gorgeous hunk of meat. We could rule the school. We could have so much fun! But no, it's always _my Bella_… Bella, Bella, Bella" She now rests her hands on the top of my shoulders and her voice is low and breathy. Our bodies are almost touching and I want to push her away, but I'm afraid if I unclench my hands from their place at my sides, I would forget to be gentle.

"Back. The fuck. Away, Lauren." I growl through my teeth punctuating each word for emphasis. She laughs and tries to undo the top button of my shirt, prompting me to remove her hands from me forcefully. "Don't touch me."

"Mmmmm, but I can make you feel so good if I touch you." She purrs.

I have to laugh at that sentiment. "What makes you think I would change my mind after all these years? I told you the beginning of 8th grade what I thought about you and how I felt about Bella. Why the hell do you think I would change my mind now that I actually have the girl of my dreams? _My _Bella." I say smugly.

"Because I'm so much better than her! I'm so much better _for you_ than her! She spent the last four years putting down the people she supposedly cared about, fucking everyone who said her name nicely, ignoring you, humiliating you, just to be popular. I told you that your precious Bella was no different from any other girl, that given the chance to be the Queen she would take it no matter what she had to do, and she did. She took to it like a fish to water too. I didn't even prompt her to fuck all those guys, although I did help spread it around school." She smirked.

"You could never be better than her. I know she hasn't always made the best choices, I know she made mistakes, but she is_ truly_ sorry for them. She feels horrible and ashamed about what she did. She is changing… she's changed, and she is now a better person for it. Besides, you don't know who she really is. You were never a true friend to her. You built her up, used her and then spit her out at the first sign of weakness."

"You're right about that. I was never a friend of hers. I hate her. I have always hated her. Her with her ability to wrap you around her little finger… even as kids, she never let anyone else have a chance with you, even when she was hundreds of miles away. She turned you against me, and I didn't like it, no one gets in the way of what I want, and I want you. I always have. I love you Edward and she took you away from me." She bites out now panting with anger.

"You are really something else" I shake my head at her in disbelief. "You just want me because you can't have me. You hate Bella because you think she is in the way of you getting what you want. That's not love… you can't understand what love is because you're too wrapped up in yourself and what YOU want and how YOU feel and what YOU think. You are used to getting what you want and on the rare occasions you don't you scheme and throw temper tantrums until you do… but that never worked with me."

"Because of Bella! If she had never come b…" She starts, but I interrupt.

"Are you delusional? Even if Bella never came back… hell, even if Bella never existed, there is no plane of reality that would see us together. You are self-centered, uncaring, and cruel. That is not who I want…"

She interrupts me with a sneer, "Bella has been that way for years, you fucking hypocrite! What, she says '_boo hoo I'm sorry, please love me'_ and you go running to her side? Really, Edward, she is just like me, only now she has no one left and nothing to lose, so she went running to you. She doesn't love you. She's using you… the way she uses everyone else."

"I know that is how you see it… probably how everyone on the outside sees it. But they don't know what she's really like. The whole time she was acting like a bitch, she hated herself. I could see it in her eyes. When no one else was paying attention, she was the same Bella from before. She never really lost herself; she just … misplaced herself for awhile."

"Really, Edward I think _looove_ has made you blind. She is the worst… even worse than me."

We both gasp and turn toward the new voice, "I don't think so. You are rotten from the inside out… to your core." _Alice! I rejoice._

"Really, you little…" Lauren starts

"Watch it…" I warn

"I know things… about her, about you…" Alice states cryptically. Lauren snorts. "Did you know that Bella is the reason Ben Chaney didn't have to move away? I know you know that his father left his mother with no word and no money – you made sure it was spread all over school and written all over Facebook. It was Bella that got Lee to hire a single mother with no experience over other more qualified candidates. She even got her dad to put in a good word. When that wasn't enough, she got her dad to use his police contacts to track down Ben's dead-beat dad and push the paperwork through for child support. She also helped clear up the _'misunderstanding'_ when Angela's father was in the hospital with pneumonia last spring. I believe it was you that told everyone Reverend Webber was shacked-up with some drug whore somewhere in Seattle and it was Bella that leaked the real story and helped set up the benefit to help the Webber family pay the hospital bills. You somehow managed to twist people's personal tragedies into a gossip worthy stories and Bella managed to help clean it up, without anyone even knowing. Without expecting anything in return, not even a thank-you."

"So-the-fuck-what! So she had an attack of the conscience a couple of times." Lauren spits.

"She helped Angela and Ben get together. She helped Jessica and Mike get together too…" Alice begins

"Yeah, by fucking him and then rejecting him." Lauren laughs.

I hold my hands up, palms out, fingers up, done with this entire conversation. "Stop! I don't care what you think of me… of Bella… it has never mattered to me before, that is not about to change now." I turn to Alice, "Let's just go."

"Wait, a second, Edward." Alice stops me still staring daggers at Lauren. "Here is something else to ponder. I wonder if you realize just how much high school boys talk when they are extremely drunk. I mean they talk about everything… so if you're in the right place at the right time, you may hear things like who they are fucking behind their girlfriends' backs… or who likes to… oh, let's call it _role play shall we… _complete with collar, leash, treats, belly rubs… so what do say Fido? Are you going to back off Bella? Or do I have to share…" While Alice is talking, I watch as Lauren's face morphs from smug, uppity, bitch to horrified, scared, little girl and snap back, just as quickly. She remains a little pale though.

"She's not even worth the effort… and if you don't see how she truly is, then neither are you." She says haughtily, but her eyes show fear as she darts them between Alice and I. She turns around and marches back toward the school.

I look down, a little awed by my tiny sister, "How the hell did you… wait do I even want to know?" I question

"Well the story involves the latest occupant of Port Angeles' jail, a bottle of cheap whiskey, a bathroom floor and…" Alice smiles

"Enough… that's all I need to hear" I stop her before giving any more details.

"Give me a ride home, brother dear? Jazz took my car home so I could back you up." As I climb into the driver's side of my car, she dances over to the passenger side, winking conspiratorially as she sits.

Suddenly I feel like forgiving her for everything… I mean she didn't mean anything bad, Bella isn't hurt and she is back in my life, James is in jail – and will likely be there for awhile- and it looks like she just got Lauren to back off as well. "Thanks." I say resolutely. She just smiles brighter and nods her head. I shoot a quick text to Bella before pulling away: **How's it going? -E**

We don't talk on the way home, but it is far from quiet. Alice plays random love songs from her iPod the whole way, singing along with the words she knows, glancing out of the corner of her eye at me with a smirk. I roll my eyes, but smile back. The love fest continues until we pull into the driveway when she blasts "Who let the Dogs Out" and we both burst out laughing. We are still laughing when we walk into the house.

"See I told you game night cures everything. I knew you two couldn't stay mad at each other long." Mom smiles and kisses us both on the cheek. "Jasper's here. He's in the basement with your brother and Rose." She tells Alice, who then dances her way to the basement door, her hips moving slightly to the obvious beat of "Who Let the Dogs Out." I shake my head with small laugh.

I walk to the fridge, grab the orange juice and drink right from the bottle. "Where's Bella, honey?" Mom asks, reaching over and handing me a granola bar.

I look down and sigh, "She's at the station with Jessica and Charlotte. They're giving statements about James and Bella went with them." Mom's lips tighten into a thin line and she nods her head in understanding.

"I'm gonna head down with everyone else." I say checking my cell phone. Seeing nothing I send her another text: **Let me know when you're done. I really want to see you. - E**

"Sure, Hon. I'll call everyone up when dinner's ready. Are you staying?"

"I don't know. It depends on what happens with Bella. She may need me."

"OK, let me know, but don't stay out too late."

"I won't, mom." I say taking my granola bar down towards the sounds of machine gun fire from the flat screen.

"Suck it, shorty!" I hear Emmett boom as I reach the bottom of the stairs, then laughter.

"I don't think I'd piss her off right now, Em. She may gouge your eyes out. Look at her face." I can't help but smile and shake my head.

Emmett leans over and pats her head, "Oh, don't take it too hard. It's not your fault that you can't overcome my mad skills. But since I'm such a nice guy, I'll let you try again." They start again. I try calling Bella but it goes right to voicemail. Shit!

I look up just in time to see Emmett's character sneak up behind Alice's with a loaded crossbow, but she sees him on the split screen and turns just in time to rush him, and they both die a horrible death on screen.

"What the Hell?" Emmett whines

"Never go down alone when you can take everyone with you." Alice smiles and throws her controller at his head.

"Hey, watch the face!" he shouts. Alice sticks her tongue out at him, takes Jasper by the hand, and pulls him up the stairs. "Rosie, did you see what she did to me? I think I need you to kiss it better." He wiggles his eyebrows at her suggestively.

"Ask your brother. I have homework to do." She gets up, blows him a kiss, and winks at me as she disappears through the doorway.

"You really know how to clear a room, Bro. What's up? Where's Bella?" As he asks I look at my phone again, still nothing.

"She is at the station talking to her dad…  
>"Did that asshat start bothering her?"<p>

I tense at the mention of said asshat. "No, Tori and that girl, Charlotte are giving their own statements about him."

"What? Why?" I look at Emmett pointedly. "Oh. OH, FUCK! What a sick-ass fucker. I hope he gets a dose of his own medicine in prison."

"Yeah, hopefully that is where he will be going for awhile." I look at my phone again.

"You OK, you keep looking at your phone?"

"Yeah, I'm waiting to hear from Bella. She hasn't answered my texts and her number goes right to voicemail. I'm worried about her. I just want to make sure she's alright."

Emmett looks at me seriously now, "She'll be fine. Bella always pulls it out." I nod.

"I'm going to go take a shower and maybe a nap while I wait." I say.

"Cool, man I'm gonna go kick some ass on Xbox Live." He picks up the controller and starts another game.

I call Bella one more time, but it goes to voicemail again, so I leave her another text: **Taking a shower. Will call you when I get out, love – E** The shower feels good after the stress of the day, but I won't be able to completely shake it until I hear Bella's voice. I check my phone. Still nothing. I lay down, trying to relax enough for a nap, but I'm just too wired. I try her phone again, just as my door opens to a booming voice of my brother. "Mom says dinners ready in 20."

Voicemail again. I sigh and throw the phone on the bed with a little too much force. "OK. Tell her I'll be right down." I sigh glaring at the silent piece of machinery.

Emmett chuckles "She'll be fine, bro. She's probably just hanging with her dad."

"I know I'm pathetic. Don't judge me."

"Not judging. I like seeing you frustrated over her rather than angry or depressed."

"Thanks?" I question

"Come on, you love-sick fool, let's go eat. Food always makes you feel better." I follow without mentioning that food always makes _him_ feel better, not me.

I assume dinner is good, considering I eat two helpings and Emmett eats three, but I couldn't tell you exactly what it was, something with noodles and shrimp, maybe? My mind is definitely elsewhere. When I check my phone for the tenth time, Emmett slaps it out of my hand and it lands with a dull thud on the thick carpet. "What the Fu…" I catch myself "What the heck, Emmett?" I glower and pick up my electronic connection to Bella.

"Enough, bro. You're too wound up." He laughs.

"I know." I sigh, "I just need to hear that she is OK. I need to hear how everything went. I'm afraid that she will need me and I won't be there."

"I'll drive you over there after dinner if she still hasn't called, but you really need to chill. You're making me jumpy."

"OK." I say pocketing my phone for the first time since leaving school today. We finish eating and help mom clean up. I check my phone, still nothing and now it's almost 8:00. I shoot Emmett a look and he rolls his eyes but nods his head and grabs his keys heading toward the door.

"You know she's OK, right?" He asks in a serious tone.

"Yeah… I know." I shrug

"OK, let's roll by the station first." He says letting my overprotective worrying slide. He turns on something by Nicki Minaj and cranks up the volume.

As we drive by the police station, I see Jessica's white Focus and Tori's Honda are still in the lot along with the Chief's cruiser. I feel minutely better knowing that she hasn't answered me because she is still there, not because she is wallowing alone in her room.

"See, she's probably still there. Can't get much safer for her than at the police station with her dad. Nothing to worry about." He smiles I nod but I still don't want to be away from her. Emmett must pick up on my mood because he says. "Wanna go wait for her at her house?"

"I don't want to make you sit in the driveway with me." I say obviously unconvincingly because he rolls his eyes and heads toward town instead of home. We don't talk until we pull into her empty driveway. "Thanks" I mutter.

"No prob." He smiles and cranks up the radio. After about five minutes of staring longingly and no doubt pathetically, at my phone while Emmett tries to sing along with Nick the car goes silent and before I even have a chance to look up Emmett is pushing toward the door. "Get out." He says with a smile in his voice. I just stare at him confused. What the fuck does he mean get out? "I can't stand watching you, you pathetic love-sick jackass, so get out." I open my mouth to protest, but he holds a finger up to stop me. "Go wait for her on the porch or something. It's obvious you aren't going to rest without seeing her tonight. Just go."

"I don't think the chief of police would appreciate me lying in wait for his only daughter who has just been through a huge ordeal to come home. It's already 9:00. It's not like he'll let me in or anything." I sigh, ready to tell him to take me home and I'll just see her tomorrow, but he unbuckles my seat belt.

"Don't care. Even if you just catch a glimpse and see she is OK you'll feel better. It's too bad you don't have a key… hey do you know where she keeps her spare?"

"No, but I reiterate the statement that the CHIEF OF POLICE would probably not like me waiting for Bella this late on a school night and he might just shoot me if he finds me inside his house."

"You've snuck in before, right? Just do that again. I'll cover for you with mom and dad. I owe you for covering for me and Rose all those times. Just go. Wait for her in her room and text me when you want me to come get you. I'll have to borrow your car so mom doesn't hear me start mine."

"Really?" I ask knowing I don't really want an answer as I'm already pulling the door handle. "Thanks, man. I appreciate it."

"No problem, bro. Oh, and Edward? Hopefully seeing your girlfriend will help reverse the bad case of _vaginitis_ you caught. It would really suck if your girl wanted to sex you up and you had to tell her you lost your twig and berries somewhere between school and home." He leans across the seat with a devilish smile and slams the door in my face.

"Asshole" I yell as he peals out of the driveway, but I know he's right. I'm acting like a 10-year-old girl with her first crush. I think about how I need to man up as I climb the tree to her bedroom window that, thankfully, is unlocked. I hit the floor with a hard thud, but relax for the first time since leaving school as I breathe in her scent. Em's right. I am fucking pathetic.

I'm not sure how long I sit there, when I hear a car pull up to the house. Two car doors slam and a few seconds later, I hear the front door open and shut. "Good night, Dad." I think Bella says, her voice muted through the doors.

"Night', kid. I love you." Charlie replies and I hear footfalls on the steps. I start toward the door when I hear the bathroom door open and shut, then the water turn on. Fuck. She's showering. She's naked. And wet. And just across the hall. My body automatically gravitates toward her. Luckily, the television turns on and snaps me out of my slight haze. Right. The Chief. Right. I just stand there to afraid to move, worried he'll hear something. I'm starting to regret this decision when I hear Bella outside the door messing with something. I'm across the rest of the room, opening the door, and pulling her to me before she even turns the knob.

She relaxes into my touch as I murmur, "I was worried when you didn't answer my calls or texts. I couldn't wait until you got home, so I snuck in the window."

"I'm glad you're here. I was just going to call you. I needed to hear your voice, but I'm too tired to go out."

"Well, I'm here now, so you don't have to worry about that. Can I stay?" I ask without really thinking about it. I just want to lay and hold her for a while. I'll call Emmett for a ride in a couple of hours.

"Sure, what time do you need to be home? Hey, where's your car?" She says in one breath, and my heart stutters. She wants me here too. She really is in this as much as me.

"Emmett dropped me off. I don't have to be home, he is covering for me. I thought you may need me. So, can I stay? I just want to hold you… please?" I try to say in a manly voice, but I'm sure it probably comes out like a begging five-year-old

"Of course you can." She says as she stands on her toes to try to kiss me. I bend down to make it easier and her lips touch mine gently. She pulls me to her bed and I crawl in after her, fully clothed… I don't even take off my shoes. I surround her body with mine and hold her as close as possible.

"Good night, Bella." I whisper into her ear.

"Night, Edward. I love you." She returns, her words slightly slurred from exhaustion.

"I love you too. I always have, I always will. Tomorrow will be better. I promise." I say, but I'm not sure she hears me as she is already breathing deeply and rhythmically.

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><p><strong>EN: I know I said this was the last chapter, but it just didn't work out that way. There are a few things I need to wrap up and I thought I would get this chapter out sooner. Thank you so much for being patient. Next chapter really is the last chapter. As always, thank you so much for reading, it makes me so happy… rivaled only by receiving reviews!**


	25. Chapter 25: Better Days

**A/N: This truly is the last chapter, and it makes me very, very sad for it to be over, so sad that it took me awhile to write it! I hope you like it.**

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><p>Self Esteem Ch 25: Better Days<p>

Edward:

"Edward! Edward wake-up." I hear Bella whisper-yell and I wonder why she sounds so insistent. In my dreams, she is usually naked, writhing underneath me and calling my name out, loud and clear. "Edward, please, _please_ wake-up!" She pleads again and my mind starts to register this is not, in fact, a dream.

"No, don't want to wake up, just lay here, hold you." I manage to grumble sleepily as I pull her warm body closer against mine.

"Edward," she giggles quietly a little, but says, "It's almost 5am. My dad gets up at 5:30am for work and you cannot be laying in my bed if he decides to check on me." then I remember. I fell asleep in her room last night. I have a momentary flash of panic, but it doesn't last with her in my arms, wearing only a very open, purple robe.

"Does he usually check on you in the morning?" I ask just to be sure.

"No, not usually, but…" she starts as my lips find the junction where her shoulder meets her neck to kiss it softly.

"Did you lock the door last night?" I ask again allowing my hand to roam over her flat stomach.

"Yes, but…"

"Then, let's not worry about it." I say planting another kiss higher up on her neck and continuing in a line toward her ear. I bite gently on her lobe and I'm rewarded with a shiver.

"Edward, he has guns… guns, Edward." She says as she moves her jaw closer to give me better access. "This is so not a good idea" she says unconvincingly and twists the front of her body to meet mine, claiming my mouth greedily.

Just as she opens he mouth so I can deepen the kiss, we hear _thud_ and freeze. We pull back and look at each other in terror. All of a sudden, those guns she mentioned are in the forefront of my mind. We lay frozen for what seems like eternity before hearing the cruiser start up and we both let out a sigh of relief as the gravel crunches under the tires. "I thought he doesn't get up until 5:30? It's not even 5." I say, my heart still beating overly fast.

"He must have gotten called in early." She says and rests her forehead on my chest. We lay there like that for a few moments and then she looks up at me, her eyes hungry. "Good morning." She wiggles her hips a little obviously feeling my arousal. I groan and lean in to kiss her again.

"Good morning," I say rolling her onto her back. Her robe opens further and conveniently exposes her perfect breasts. Her nipples are already hard enough to cut glass as I lean down to take one in my mouth.

"Edward, you are a little over dressed aren't you? Did you even take off your shoes?" She giggles, but I ignore her teasing and try to continue my ministrations as I use my toes to take my shoes off. They land with a thump on the floor. She moves her hands to pull my shirt up my torso. I stop what I'm doing just long enough to help her take it off. Her hands move to undo the fly of my jeans and it is open before the shirt is even over my head. Damn. "Off, Edward," she sort of grunts pulling my pants down as far as she can reach.

I have to smile. She is really horny in the mornings. I'll have to find a way to be here when she wakes up more often. I sit back on my knees, enjoying the way she looks at me as I pull my jeans and boxer briefs off in one move. Her eyes never leave mine as she removes the remainder of her robe. No panties, nice. She sits up, throws the robe on the floor next to my clothes, and scrambles up my lap. She grabs my neck and pulls me to her forcefully. Her tongue immediately claims my mouth – and claim is the right word. She is dominating me in every way… and I love it. We fall backwards and she moves her legs to either side of my hips. Her hot, wet center is rubbing up and down my shaft as she moves her hips. I want her… badly.

"Bella, God, I want you. I want you, please. I want you." Is all I manage. She smiles and bites my bottom lip gently while continuing to move her hips. I can feel her in every nerve ending. "Please, baby." I beg.

"How do you want me? I'm yours." She smiles.

Oh, the possibilities! But what I really want is to make her feel good – better than good. So I gently push on her shoulders to move her backwards as I whisper in her ear, "First, I want to taste you and make you come with my tongue, then I want to make love to you."

"Mmmm, Edward, yessss." She says laying back. I kiss my way down her body, taking extra time to nuzzle her nipples and flick them with my tongue and pull gently on her belly ring. From the noises she makes I realize I could probably make her come just like this, perhaps another time. Right now, I'm on a mission. I pause one more time to kiss each hipbone before going lower and sinking my tongue into her wetness. I lick her clit with the flat of my tongue a few times and then flick it with the tip. She grabs my hair and pulls hard enough to cause just the right amount of pain as I push a finger inside her. Jesus, she is so wet!

"Oh, God, Edward, yesss. Fuck, Edward." She mumbles almost incoherently, her hips rolling into my face. I add another finger and swipe my pinky along her back entrance. She bucks her hips up in pleasure. "Oh, yes, please. Yes. I want to feel you everywhere. Everywhere, please." She moans. I know she is getting close when her body starts to shake, so I add a third finger and push my pinky into her back entrance using her juices as lubrication. With just a few more licks, her whole body freezes and then shakes with the force of her orgasm. I don't stop moving my fingers and licking her clit until she starts to come down. I remove my hand and kiss my way back up to meet her waiting mouth. It is so fucking hot when she kisses me like that while her exquisite taste is still on my tongue.

"More, Edward, more. I need to feel you inside of me. Please." She whimpers.

"You don't want to take a min…"

"No, now. I want you just like this. I want to feel your weight on my body as you take me. Please, make love to me, baby."

She doesn't have to ask again. I line myself up with her opening and slowly push in. I love the feel of her as I sink into her hot, wet flesh. It feels like silk against my sensitive skin. When I'm all the way in she puts her head on my shoulder "I love you" she says.

"I love you, too. More than you could ever know." I pull out and push back in slowly a few times before her hips start to come up to meet mine, letting me know she wants it faster. I comply. I make sure my pubic bone hits her clit with every stroke. We grunt and gasp and pant together as or bodies move in a steady rhythm.

"Oh, God, Bella, you feel so fucking good. So good." I ground out when I feel the tell-tale tightening in my stomach. "I'm gonna come, baby. Are you almost there?" I ask

"Mhm." She mutters with her bottom lip between her teeth. I shift backward onto my haunches taking her with me. The new angle feels incredible. She kisses me desperately as I thrust my hips and help her lift up and down on me simultaneously. "Soooo, deep. Sooo good." She moans. It doesn't take long to feel her tighten around me and I finally allow myself to let go, spilling inside her. Her whole body shakes and she screams my name. We collapse on the bed side-by-side and I pull her to my chest. I am laying there all blessed out when I feel her tears running down my chest. I maneuver her so I can look directly into her eyes and start to panic at the tears I see streaming down her cheeks.

"Bella, what's wrong? Did I hurt you? Why are you crying?" I rush out.

"I'm good. I'm more than good, I'm amazing, incredible even." She says laughing through the tears.

"Then why are you crying?" I am really confused.

"Because I love you and I'm just so grateful that I didn't push you away and lose you forever. I'm just so happy that we are here, together. Finally in a good place." She sniffles.

I can't help the smile that breaks across my face. "I love you too, Bella. I don't ever want to be apart from you again. Ever." I say and kiss her hard enough to leave her lips bruised I'm sure. We lay together, silently holding each other for who knows how long. The sun is up now and I know I should call Emmett for a ride home to get ready for school, but I just don't want to let her go. Finally, my phone beeps and I sigh as I reach for my jeans to get my phone from the front pocket. **Dude, its after 6. Hope the Chief didn't kill U. I CYA. Told mom u had a bio project & went in early with A. I'll bring you a clean shirt. Ur awesome bro.**

I have to smile at my brother. He really is pretty awesome. **Still alive. Thnx 4 the save & the shirt. Why'd Alice go in early? – Ed ** _I get a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. That little pixie had better not be up to anything._

**Not sure. Said something bout puttin the dog on a leash? Who the fuck knows. C U b4 1****st****. –Em** Fuck, I knew it. Well, whatever she's up to better not touch Bella.

"Who was that? Your face is all sour now." She says trying to smooth the crease between my eyes with her index finger.

"Em covered for me, but Alice is up to something. She went to school super early." I scowl again at the thought of what she could be doing.

"I don't care, Edward. I don't care about anything or anyone else. I just want to be with you, try to make amends with Angela and Ben and forget Bella the Bitch. So stop worrying, ok?"

"I'll try." I sigh "Can I take a shower and borrow your toothbrush? I love the smell and taste of you, but I don't want to walk around school smelling like sex." I lean over and nuzzle my nose into her neck.

"Yes, take a shower, you can use Charlie's stuff, but you cannot us my toothbrush- ew! I have an extra under the sink." She snuggles back into bed as I stand, but I have no intention of taking a shower alone. I lean over and pick her up bridal style. She laughs and flails her arms and legs. "Edward, what are you doing? Let me go. We don't have time for this!" She says trying to sound disapproving.

"I don't want you to be lonely in this bed all by yourself. And what happens if I slip in the shower and hit my head? I could get hurt and you wouldn't be there to save me." I say entering the small bathroom and setting her down on the mat. "Really, its self preservation." I kiss her neck.

"Self-preservation? Really, Edward?" She crosses her arms across her chest, but has a wide smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye. "I think I'm the one who is more likely to slip and hit my head don't you?"

"Well, I'll be here to catch _you_ then, won't I?" I reach over and turn on the water.

"Oh, well in that case." She says as she steps over the tub into the water. I follow, moving her hair over one shoulder so I can kiss down the back of her neck and across her shoulder. She reaches back and grasps my cock that is already hard for her again.

"Oh, Fuck, Bella." I moan resting my head on her shoulder as she works me up and down. "You are amazing."

"Just making sure you are good and ready." She replies

I move my hands around her front and easily find her already swollen clit. "Ready for what?" I try to sound innocent, but I probably don't succeed.

She looks back at me over one shoulder and says matter-of-factly, "Ready to fuck me. Hard." Have I mentioned how much I love her? God she is just so fucking perfect for me.

"Oh, I'm ready are you?" I move my fingers down to her opening and plunge my fingers in a few times to make sure. She stops pumping me to revel in the feeling of my fingers inside of her "You are so ready." I smile.

As she turns around, she jumps up to straddle my waist and I use the wall to help support her back. I'm sheathed inside of her and pumping in and out within seconds. "You want me to fuck you hard, baby?" I growl.

"Yes, fuck me. Fuck me so hard. I need to feel you." With that confirmation, I move her up and down my length while pumping my hips as fast as I dare on the wet surface. I don't think I've ever been so happy for those rubber daisy-looking things that keep you from slipping. Bella is clutching my back so hard, I know I'll have marks, but I don't care as long as she keeps moaning and panting with every thrust.

"Mmmmm, Bella. God you feel so fucking amazing. I can't get enough. I don't want this to end."

"Edward, I'm coming. I'm coming. Ffffuck! I'm… Oh, Edward." I feel her walls clamp down, triggering my own orgasm. I hold her close as we both come down and we continue to kiss, now softly, tenderly. I can feel the love poured into every touch of her lips.

"I love you." I murmur as she puts her feet back on the tub floor.

"Mmmmm, I love you, too." She says back. The rest of the shower is uneventful. I wash her with her puff-thingy and she does the same for me with a clean washcloth. I take my time washing and conditioning her hair. We don't say much, but it is so intimate. I feel closer to her right now than I ever have before.

We dress quickly and grab a granola bar on the way out to Bella's beast of a truck. We chat amicably during the five-minute drive to school and Bella pulls in right next to Emmett's Jeep.

"Dude, you're late." Emmett says throwing a clean t-shirt and flannel at my head. "I wonder what took so long?" He sneers and waggles his eyebrows causing Bella to turn beet-red.

"You're an asshole, Em." I punch him in the arm, "but thanks for covering my ass at home and bringing the clean stuff anyway." I quickly change shirts and throw the dirty one in Bella's truck.

"I can't pass up any opportunity to make double B blush. I have years of catching up to do." He laughs and I put my arm tight around Bella's waist with a gentle squeeze in apology for my stupid-ass brother.

I can feel Bella hesitate as we reach the doors to the school, so I lean down to kiss the top of her head. "It'll be OK. I've got you." I whisper. She doesn't respond but lifts her head, squares her shoulders, and walks forward. That's my girl.

If I'm being completely truthful, I am a little nervous as well. Who knows what Alice has done or what Lauren has planned for today. But when we walk in, no one pays us any attention. Finally, as it should be. People are excessively interested in our private lives if you ask me. As we walk to Bella's locker, Maggie catches my eye and gives me a small wave. I smile back at her. I'm not going to hold a grudge. All is right in my world right now. When she is done, we head toward my locker and meet my family who are, as usual, standing around waiting for the bell to ring. Emmett is trying to feel Rose up without her noticing- idiot. Alice and Jasper are staring longingly into each other's eyes and talking in code about sex- gross. We say hi and I grab my stuff before I walk her to her first class. Just as it looks like we will make it without incident, someone rushes up to Bella.

**BELLA:**

I start to let my guard down as we reach the door of my first class - I am all warm and gooey inside thinking about my incredible morning with Edward- when someone rushes up and throws her arms around me.

"Thank you, Bella. I knew you weren't totally lost. I thought I saw a glimpse of the old you from time-to-time. I am so glad you two finally found each other." Angela Weber says before letting go and taking a step back.

I'm shocked and not sure what she is talking about. "Angela, I didn't…I don't…" I start to question what she is thanking me for, but she interrupts me- I don't remember her being so talkative.

"No. I know what you did for my family, for Ben's. I wish you had told me. I hate that we've lost so many years to stupid decisions and petty bullshit!" I bow my head as the embarrassment and guilt flood my face, "but that's all done and over with, let's just move on. I would like the opportunity to get to know you again. We should all hang out! Double maybe. I'll get your number from Edward. Bye." She rushes out in one breath, before running down the hall to meet up with Ben. Ben smiles and waves too. I'm not quite sure what is going on, so I look at Edward, who shrugs.

"My guess would be Alice. She somehow knows a whole bunch of stuff you've done over the past few years, you know for Angela and Ben. She thinks it was your way of trying to redeem yourself." He smiles. I didn't know anyone knew about any of that.

"I didn't do it to make amends; I did it because it was right. Their families did not deserve to suffer and I was in a position to help. I didn't really think about it. I just did it." I mutter looking at my shoes, knowing it is way too little too late to make up for the awful things I've done.

Edward pulls my chin up so I am looking into his sparkling green eyes. "Hey, don't disregard it. It shows that even when you were at your worst, your heart was still in there. It was still in the right place. You didn't want your friends to suffer needlessly." He kisses me and I lose my breath. I'm not sure how he keeps doing that to me, but I hope he never stops. When he pulls away and makes to leave, I stand on my toes to kiss him one more time before he takes off running toward his classroom.

The morning is… well it's kind of weird to be honest. Some things are the same. Lauren still acts like a bitch and Bree still follows her around like her faithful lapdog, but they do it from afar shooting me nasty looks and looking at me and laughing, rather than talking to me directly. Others go out of their way to say hi with a smile and a wave. Maggie- OK, I get Maggie- you know, get in good with the best friend of your boyfriend and all that; she is definitely not an idiot; but people I haven't spoken a kind word to in years make a point to be nice to me. When lunch comes, Edward escorts me to his table where we are surrounded by his friends and family- people I hope to call friends of my own someday. While we eat, Angela and Ben include me in their conversation about Christmas plans as if the past four years never happened and Jessica and Mike pull up a couple of extra chairs and join us as well. I try to relax and enjoy it, like Edward keeps telling me to, but I know the other shoe is going to drop, so the butterflies in my stomach continue to flutter. Then it happens.

Halfway through lunch, Lauren looks up from her phone, screeches something at Bree, gets up and moves in the direction of our table with Bree scrambling after her. I brace myself trying to think of what I could have possibly done to offend her now. When she is a few feet away, her eyes flicker away from me then stops dead in her tracks, causing Bree to smash into her from behind. When her eyes return to me, she gives me a death-stare… if looks could kill, I'd be six-feet-under for sure. I square my shoulders and take three calming breaths waiting for Lauren to say whatever-the-hell she has to say, but to my surprise, she turns and yells at Bree: "Don't be so fucking clumsy, asshole!" then stomps out of the cafeteria followed by a haggard looking Bree.

I stare after her in disbelief. I don't understand what happened. I know she was on her way over here to rip me a new one for some unfathomable wrong, but she stopped. I sit in stunned silence as everyone else returns to their lunch conversations and Edward wraps his arm around my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "Bella, I said today was going to be different. Stop worrying, baby, everything is going to be alright."

"I know, but…"

"Stop. It's OK." He says again

"I would rather just get it over with. She has to be planning some big blowout or something- some nasty form of revenge that will make everyone turn away from me. I know it." I say, a little whiney.  
>"I took care of it." I look up at the sound of the high-pitched voice to my left. "Don't worry, Bella. She will behave from now on."<p>

"But why? How?" I fumble

"Let's just say Alice's obedience school is in session and she will learn to sit, heel, and stay if she knows what's good for her. And we both know that Lauren is all about looking after number one." She says as a little evil smile breaks across her face. I look over to see Edward tying to stifle his laughter. Now I'm really confused.

"Alice, you didn't _do_ anything, did you?" Suddenly needing answers from her. I know how these things backfire. Didn't she learn from this past weekend's whole date debacle?

But it's Edward who answers, "She didn't do anything. She just used the one thing that Lauren values – herself- against her. It's actually, quite funny. I'll tell you about it, but not here." He says placing a kiss on my temple. I relax slightly. If Edward is OK with whatever it is, it couldn't be too bad, right? So I let it drop. I can't totally let it go, because I'm sure Lauren will find a way, but for now, I just want to spend time with the people who I care about. The people, who have chosen to accept and forgive me for the shit that I pulled and welcome me back into their lives.

I can't help but smile as I lean into Edward's warm chest with his arm tightly around me and listen to Emmett tell some football story, for the first time in a very long time, I feel content.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**June: Night of the Annual End of School Year Bash**

"Baby, I'm getting another drink. Want one?" Edward asks and I nod, knowing I do not have to drive home tonight. Dad is on a date- yes a DATE! And he is letting me spend the night at Alice's. At this point, I know he is just playing dumb- and I do not want to think about why that may be- eww. Edward and I have been together since December and we spend all our time together, but I'll take it. Edward's parents are at the Seattle Medical Conference, just like every year, so we have the house to ourselves. Jasper drew the short straw and got stuck as DD. He doesn't seem to mind though- actually, nothing seems to get to him- ever, which is why he's so perfect for our little spit-fire. Alice is currently trying to convince Emmett to let her decorate his dorm room at UCLA by telling him Rose already relented. I'm sure it's just a matter of time- no one resists Alice.

Mike and Jess are in that, just-reunited-after-breaking-up stage, so they run off after only one beer to go, um, reunite. They broke up after spring break when Mike admitted to kissing another girl in Panama City. It wasn't pretty. He said that one kiss helped him realize how much he loved her. He spent six weeks groveling at her feet begging for forgiveness and a second chance. She finally gave in mid-may, but not before she dated someone else and realized that she wasn't ready to move on from Mike. Angela and Ben are snuggled together close to the fire, just watching the waves through the flames. I lay back on the beach-blanket and look at the stars, thankful that we decided to skip the big party this year and do something smaller. I can hear the booming base of the music and the occasional yelp or laugh from the other party down the beach aways, which only makes our little celebration more appealing.

"Hey, whatcha thinking so hard about down there?" Edward questions handing me a Mike's Lemonade. I notice, with a smile that he drinking pop. I think he is almost ready to go.

"Just thinking about this year, everything we've been through. You know the usual." I smile and take the drink so he can lie down beside me.

"Hmmm, I thought maybe you'd be thinking about me, or rather what I'm going to do to you when we get home." He rolls over and starts kissing my neck. He just turned 18 and all he wants for his birthday is to act out one of his fantasies. How could I say no to him when he looks so cute begging like a puppy. Finally, I told him I'd let him tie me up and blindfold me tonight, and he's been acting like a kid in a candy store ever since. He kisses his way down my neck to my collarbone, where he stops and moves his fingers lightly over the one scar I have from James. I sigh, knowing he still beats himself up about not being there sooner.

"Bella, are you really OK with how all that turned out?" He asks with concern. James was charged with battery and attempted sexual assault for what he did to me and with sexual assault for what he did to Charlotte. He did get out on bail, but he was ordered to stay away from both of us. With all of the evidence and testimony against him, we were assured he would go to jail for a long time, but Charlotte was hesitant to testify in open court, afraid of what people would say. Then, about six weeks before the trial, he was caught trying to assault another girl behind the bleachers at Port Angeles High. When those charges were added to the others, even his lawyer knew he was screwed, so James opted to take a plea bargain. He is only going away for 3-5 years, but he has to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

"Yeah, I really am OK with it." I smile and take his hand. "I love you and even though what happened with James was bad, it could have been so much worse" I blanch thinking of Charlotte, "but that night brought us together. So in some weird way…"

He cuts me off with a hard kiss. "Don't finish that statement. It was not "good" or even "OK." We are meant to be together, it would have happened anyway; you didn't need to go through that to have me… you've always had me." He says resting his forehead on mine.

"You've always had me. I've been yours since the first time I laid eyes on you." I tell him, but I decide to let the other conversation drop. I just want him. I really want him. I sigh, knowing we have to wait for everyone else before leaving.

"Hey, why the big sigh?" he asks

"I'm ready to go home. I want to give you're your birthday present." I say trying to make my voice low and sexy.

"Me too." He says crashing his lips against mine and then standing up, pulling me with him. "Let's go" He pulls me toward the parking lot. I can't help but laugh at his enthusiasm.

"Edward, we have to wait for everyone else." He starts trying to nibble on my ear as he walks me backwards still heading for the lot. _Oh God! He is so good at that_ "One car, remember." _Damn it!_ He doesn't stop, he just picks me up and my legs go automatically around his waist. "You've been drinking." I laugh as we reach his car.

"No, I've been drinking regular lemonade and pop tonight and Jasper is going to call his cousin to come pick them up. It's already arranged." He opens the passenger seat and puts me inside, using the excuse of buckling me in to move his hands across my body.

"Were you planning this?" I smile

"Yep." He smiles, slams the door, and is in his seat revving the engine faster than any human should be. I giggle.

"Ok, bring on the shackles, I'm all yours." I smile as he speeds down the dark road at 90mph.

When we pull up outside of his house, he turns and says, "I love you. Every part of you, even Bella the Bitch." He takes my hand and kisses the palm of my hand.

"Even Bella the Bitch, huh?" I return, my left eyebrow arched in question.

"She can be very sexy you know- when she comes out at the right time." He kisses his way up my arm.

"I'll have to remember that, but for now, I think she has been put to rest."

"Mmmm, too bad, I was thinking she may need to be punished." He unbuckles me with a wicked grin.

"Oh, is that so?" I ask. He nods "Well, maybe she can come out to play. She was a bad, bad, girl." I nip at his ear.

"That's what I'm talking about!" He says and is out and around to my door in seconds. He leans in, throws me over his shoulder and runs us through the door and up into his room. He throws me onto his bed and I laugh, but suddenly he turns serious.

"I love you. Forever. You are never getting rid of me. Bella the Bitch or not."

"I love you too and I never want to get rid of you. Ever. Even Bella the Bitch loves you."

He nods and covers my body with his.

* * *

><p><strong>EN: Nothing long, just a huge, sincere THANK YOU to those who read my first story. I know it isn't perfect, but the fact that all of you cared enough to read it through the end makes me so happy! **


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